Thursday, August 9, 2012

Mercies in disguise

I am feeling very full today. Like how could God possibly grant me any further blessings than He already has? It may seem loco for me to say, but this disease is a blessing.

As much as it can be stressful and more than a lifetime's share worth of hardship, I am so blessed to have to go through this experience.

It's in the little things. In the past few weeks, I've gotten a lot of little presents and cheer up things in the mail from loved ones. A mystery gift giver who sent me a new phone case and some awesome necklaces. The pink collectable breast cancer awareness Darth Vader helmet I sorely wanted from our dear friends TJ and Dana. A book, buttons of my personal pwn cancer logos, bookmark and letters from my long-time close friend Kylie. Dinner when we had colds, a card and a Catholic holy scapular from our good friend Samara. A Star Wars postcard and flowers from our cousin Becca. A box full of pretty new headscarves from my Mom and Dad. A box of Rocky Mountain Chocolate candies from our cousins Jeff and Jennifer. The breast cancer site box of goodies our wonderful SIL Lindsay sent.

Then there's my other SIL Marylou who is still going to do the Susan G. Komen 3-day for the Cure in my honor. Both of my brothers sporting pink watches to support me. There's also the purple flowers Jason brought me the other day, just because he loves me (and because purple is my favorite color). Not to mention the continual help from my parents and Jason's dad and stepmom. Or the times my mommy-in-law Violet devotes to take me to treatment to keep me company and treat me to lunch, and now my sis-in-law Briana did so today. :) Etc. etc. etc.

Just a few of the ones I have mentioned.
The list goes on and on since way back in March. There has been so many other gifts and warm wishes I've received along the way so far. And truthfully, I can't tell you how much all these thoughtful acts have warmed my heart. They usually arrive on days when I'm in need of a smile and an extra push to keep going.

From all those acts of kindness, I see all my blessings. I see blessings in others. I see Christ's light through their generosity and love... and it makes me feel whole. I'm again saying in spite of how I feel sometimes, "THIS!! THIS is why I am going through this". Yes, it can bring out the ugly in some people, but it mostly brings out the good. To be honest, I think that's the answer to the ever burning question on many believers and nonbelievers minds: why does God allow bad things to happen to good people? It's because of all this. It helps uncover who a person really is inside. It is in times of suffering that we show our true colors. Whether it be our own, or a loved one's or HECK! Even a stranger's.

I know that I alone have benefited from my bout with the C in exponentially boundless ways. I have never strayed far with my faith and spirituality, but I am immeasurably closer to the Lord due to all I have gone through. I am continually striving to better my spirit now. I'll allow myself to give in to those negative thoughts once in a fortnight or two, but then it's right back on the unicorn! Haha, I'm such a nerd to use the word fortnight! :B

Oh, and yeah. Right back on the unicorn. Because a sparkly magical horned ponybeast is so much more fiercely formidable and better sorted to be my mount than a plain ol' horse!

Anyway, last week I noticed I had devrloped this weird blister type thing on my port-a-cath incision scar. Not sure when it really popped up, but I kept an eye on it after I initially noticed it. I asked my nurse Michelle what she made of it when I had my treatment last Thursday. She didn't seem concerned. She thought it was some dried blood after my port was accessed once that got trapped between my skin and the port itself. I felt reassured. All was good.

All this week, I kept checking on it. It looked a little bigger and had gotten red around it. I was scared that whatever it was, was becoming infected. I visited the urgent care across the street yesterday to find out what was going on. There are two doctors who help out at that urgent care, and one happened to be my primary care physician, of whom I had never actually met before! When we first moved out here, I picked her because she was female and local and that was that. Never had a need to see her. Thankfully, she squeezed me in (instead of having to see one of the back-up docs). She took a needle and took a small amount of liquid from the blister-whatever-it-is-thingy. She didn't think it was infected, but sent it away for testing to be precautious. I was nervous about that because if it turns out to be an infection, that would mean having to go get my port removed ASAP. Delays with chemo. Etc.

Today before my infusion, I asked both Julie and Michelle to take a look at it. Again, Michelle looked at it. She told me instantly that it wasn't an infection. She said she's almost certain that it's one of my sutures trying to come out. Apparently it will either work itself out somehow, or I can go have my surgeon pluck it out if it becomes more of a pain. PHEW. Now, that's not 100% absolute, but I do trust her knowledge. She's been an oncologist nurse for 28 years. Either way we'll find out for sure if it's infected between next Monday and Wednesday some time.

Now how does this all relate to what I've been saying you ask? Well, it was another test for me to trust. To trust God that He's in control and He knows what is in my best interest. Whether it's the way I'd like it to be or not is not up to me. I prayed last night specifically letting Him know that he had my trust, fully.

I don't think I have been able to do that with utter sincerity more than you can count on one hand. When you give in to Him, He gives back to you.

Chemo treatment #14, ladies and gents! 10/12 of Taxol! My sis-in-law Bre's fingers are featured in this one!

Treatment today was nice and easy. I had pleasant company, as mentioned earlier, my SIL Bre took me today. ^_^ And to make it even better, after today --

I have only 2  left to go!!!

Why I do believe that's nearly almost doable you know. ;)

Sorry all, just a couple more things to add before I hit publish. Haha.

Chatting with my other SIL Heather the other day, she recommended I send my story in to the Ellen DeGeneres Show for a chance at a relaxing couples get away sort of dealy. Well, I realized I had no photo of the hubby and I taken since my Birthday. We took one today, and I then sent in my story. I have no idea if it will do any good or get any notice, but I'm excited at the thought. Jason and I love Ellen anyway. :) She's easily one of the funniest women comediennes there are, and she seems so kindhearted and genuine. A rarity in the realm of celebrities.

Lastly, I have a gorgeous song to share that sums up everything I've talked about earlier in this post. So, even if you normally skip out on listening to the songs I post, I implore you to give this one a listen. It's very powerful and delivers a very similar message:

God bless you and thank you for following along, or for reading for the first time. As always, your interest and/or support is greatly appreciated. :)

"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock"  Matthew 7:24-25


  1. Wow! Reading this really reminds me how incredibly hectic these past couple of weeks have been! It seems like you and I have lived through months and months of ups and downs, when it was only about two weeks.

    While still not 100% certain, I was happy to hear that the bump on your port scar might not be an infection.

    You know me better than anyone, so you know how I get when good things are on the horizon. With only two more treatments to go, you know I'm probably going to have my moments where I'm expecting the worst. Life has been heaping mounds of hell at times since March, and I just continue to pray that we truly only have two more treatments to look forward to.

    I love you and continue to be amazed by your strength. I know we both have our moments where we have no choice but to give in and let things out, but we've always gotten through them!

    Love you sweetie! I pray to God we're almost there!

    1. I love you too honey! And you know something? Even if we're not almost there, God will see us through. He's done a pretty damn good job of that so far. :) Thanks for continuing to stand by me!

  2. Anj- you have always been a bright shining light long before the REAL C word came into your life. It is inspirational to read how you are able to see all the good coming out of this and the beauty that people omit during times like this. But then again, you kinda have that affect on people ;)Love you ever so dearly and I am proud to raise money for SGK and cannot wait to walk 60 miles in honor of you!

    1. Well thank you my sweet, loving sissy! I'm the proud one! I'm proud and blessed to be able to call you that. :) I really appreciate what you're doing. Not just for MY sake, but for all the awareness you're creating by doing it and the money that will be used to help with it. I love you very much too! xoxo

  3. Never have we been more proud of you. Even with this horrible "C" you have turned a negative into a unifying force of love between all your family members and friends.
    Love you not this much...not this much...not this much...
    BUT>>>>MORE>>>MORE>>>>MORE and MORE>>>> always!

    Mom & Dad

  4. Hey there! You're almost there my friend! There is light at the end of the tunnel. You're a rockstar who has a solid group of supporters. Here is a BIG VIRTUAL HUG to you!