tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12246908293321591202024-03-13T16:13:45.921-07:00Anj's Adventures in Pwning Breast CancerAnjhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10026705329912035151noreply@blogger.comBlogger58125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1224690829332159120.post-1149586836905955282015-07-25T20:41:00.001-07:002015-07-25T20:59:01.200-07:00What's happened and what's going on<br />
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Oh boy, well, it seems I will be making posts (as long as all is going well) in 7 month increments any more? Haha, sorry about that to any of you actually continuing to follow along! Please understand how deeply thankful I am for your concern for this little ol' Anj. It really does mean the world to me. <3</div>
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So, as I alluded to above, things seem to be going fine. Normal even. Well, as normal as normal can be after you have survived cancer.</div>
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My recent blood work has all been dandy. No abnormally elevated tumor markers or anything nasty like that, praise the Lord!</div>
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However, I can't shake the feeling that something isn't right. I am like, 90% sure it's all in my head, if I assess it from a logical standpoint. But in the times I have too much time on my hands to think, which gratefully are further and fewer apart now, I worry. Endlessly and possibly needlessly, but all the same, the fear is there.</div>
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I rarely sleep through the night anymore. Naturally, it would likely be easier to if I didn't have a rambunctious teenager-aged furbaby randomly yelling at me to play with her in the middle of the night... thanks for that, Michonne-kitty! ;)</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-IKieSzlxRis/VbRIMqWSR3I/AAAAAAAAIEQ/RgDAGcGeqtw/s1600/kittyface.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-IKieSzlxRis/VbRIMqWSR3I/AAAAAAAAIEQ/RgDAGcGeqtw/s400/kittyface.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"...who, me?!"</td></tr>
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Yet, even when there is no good reason for me to wake up frequently, I still do. A good night's sleep for me these days is if I only happen to wake up between 1-3 times throughout the night. I suspect this change is thanks to Tamoxifen screwing with my hormones. Again though, that's only a suspicion. It's frustrating but not life destroying.</div>
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The constant fatigue though? I was reassured by several of my docs that this would disappear post-chemo a year or two. We're catching up on 2 years since I finished my chemo regimen, so we shall see how true that is.</div>
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From other articles and studies I have read, it can more often than not be a lifelong side effect. I have accepted this to be true at this point. This way, if this fatigue magically disappears within the near future, I will be quite pleasantly surprised won't I?<br />
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If this fatigue could be rectified with a simple nap, or going to bed earlier, then I would have no means for complaining whatsoever. On the contrary, I would be thrilled! Unfortunately, it's far too easy for me to reach the point of exhaustion that instantly puts you into tears and only slightly improves with an over abundance of rest. Let's put it this way, I can/could sleep solidly for 10+ hours and will have no trouble getting in an hour long nap later the same day.</div>
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This one affects me more directly. Often times I don't know how I will muster the energy to get through the work week. And booking two outings in one weekend? That's usually not a great idea for me. I simply don't have the energy. I feel at least twice my age on bad days.</div>
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Now, my heart feels guilty any time I gripe about the side effects of what helped to keep me alive. I pray God will have patience with me, and that you all will not think less of me. I only feel the need to explain specifically, so that those I love might better understand if I seem less involved at gatherings, etc. etc.</div>
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And once more I must remind myself to circle back to my appreciation for still being alive. Had things gone differently, I might not be. I would not have made it to see 30 if I hadn't found that lump in time. So, fatigued Anj can and will shut up and deal. Haha</div>
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Speaking of turning 30? I reached that back in May! Flippin' crazy. Jason took me to Napa Rose to celebrate the occasion, and we had the best meal and experience yet that we've had there! I ate some rare, like, limited edition salmon from the North West somewhere and Jason ate shrimp sausage, lol... among other yummy seafoods. Also tried a port wine for the first time! I have decided that I enjoy wine, but I reeeeaaally enjoy GOOD wine. As in the straight-from-Italy or France kinds!</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Our desserts from Napa Rose. <3</td></tr>
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Oh, and I know I brought up my intention to cosplay Carol Peletier from the Walking Dead in my last post! I have done it twice now! First time was sort of a bust, but it was more successful my second time around. First time was WonderCon back in April. Second was a few weeks ago at Walker Stalker Fan Fest San Diego. Heck, <a href="http://www.ocregister.com/articles/fans-671196-dead-fan.html" target="_blank">I even got interviewed by the OC Register because of my costume!</a> Proud nerdgirl moment.</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qC5xrF7L__k/VbRKiI7brQI/AAAAAAAAIFA/o3uOpJY_FmE/s1600/carolanj.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qC5xrF7L__k/VbRKiI7brQI/AAAAAAAAIFA/o3uOpJY_FmE/s320/carolanj.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">WonderCon 2015 Carol selfie.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And serious business season 5b Carol at WSFF San Diego 2015</td></tr>
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Also, because of my adoration for the Walking Dead and specific desire to dress as Carol, I have met a group of awesome new friends! We all cosplay as Carol, and although it is private and by invite only, we have a little "secret" group called Carols United. <3</div>
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In fact, my dear pal Connor from our group came up with this fabulous idea for us to all have a shirt! He came up with the original design, and with his blessing, I created some new artwork and recreated his original design, just replacing the stock artwork with my own. I'm pretty proud of the outcome, and the back of our shirts all bare our individual hashtag Carol related nicknames. I'm #SurvivorCarol. :D<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-nA9UU3dULbo/VbRJQ3q8ZxI/AAAAAAAAIEg/92iGwAdZ678/s1600/carolsunitedshirt.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-nA9UU3dULbo/VbRJQ3q8ZxI/AAAAAAAAIEg/92iGwAdZ678/s400/carolsunitedshirt.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">an Anj modelling said shirt.</td></tr>
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So I have met and hung out a couple of times with Connor, Micha and Amelia (whom I all adore and appreciate greatly!) but everyone in our group is extremely friendly and supportive of one another. Geeks helping geeks. It's a beautiful thing! I hope to meet all of my Carols United friends in person eventually. <3</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Gnvk8p3Zl4w/VbRJxZ6ZlyI/AAAAAAAAIE4/Qy7ZP57646E/s1600/carolanjwithcarolon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Gnvk8p3Zl4w/VbRJxZ6ZlyI/AAAAAAAAIE4/Qy7ZP57646E/s320/carolanjwithcarolon.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Me looking silly with the fabulous Amelia (carol-on.tumblr.com) at WonderCon 2015.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Ni4mx04-IzE/VbRJt3TJdII/AAAAAAAAIE0/IzOTH2RYZCk/s1600/3ofcarolsunited.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Ni4mx04-IzE/VbRJt3TJdII/AAAAAAAAIE0/IzOTH2RYZCk/s400/3ofcarolsunited.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">#FatCarol #ManCarol #SurvivorCarol <3 at WSFF San Diego 2015.</td></tr>
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Moral of that story? You never know who or what or where life can take you! Haha. That super dorky interest of yours may lead you to meeting some potential lifelong friends!</div>
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Getting into Walker Stalker Fan Fest a bit more... now, we had held out hope that the event would lure some of the current Walking Dead cast over to Petco Park for the event. Likely due to contract restrictions, none did. Buuut, we did meet everyone we wanted to! We have a framed map of "Terminus" that lives in our living room that we brought with us and had our favorite former cast members sign. It's seriously bad ass.</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-FwHID0TRVKo/VbRLtpE-prI/AAAAAAAAIFI/cyU5zPr7rgo/s1600/terminusmap.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-FwHID0TRVKo/VbRLtpE-prI/AAAAAAAAIFI/cyU5zPr7rgo/s1600/terminusmap.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Best thing on here? The "Welcome to" above Terminus that Andrew J. West (Gareth) wrote on there. </td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-P37AJCFkN4Q/VbRMFhedxNI/AAAAAAAAIFQ/YmiMKX3vntw/s1600/anjablesscottwilson.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="322" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-P37AJCFkN4Q/VbRMFhedxNI/AAAAAAAAIFQ/YmiMKX3vntw/s400/anjablesscottwilson.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I tried to change out of costume before our photo op, so it's not the best picture of me, but ZOMG HERSHEL!!<br />
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Sooo, I'm looking forward to dressing as this amazing character again soon! Don't know when just yet, but I'll be ready! But seriously, Carol's angelic hair is impossible to recreate!! That's the one thing I wish I could get down! Haha</div>
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Next fangirl goal? Meet the queen herself, Melissa McBride (the actress who plays Carol). I just want to hug her and thank her for putting her soul into such an inspirational and strong female character. I truly do identify with her. While I may not have had the same trials as her character, I have had to make tough choices just so I could keep on surviving.</div>
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You know something blog? I actually have an interesting story for you all in regards to my Walking Dead fandom. For those of you who are disinterested or unfamiliar with the show, it's totally cool if you skip past all this! It won't hurt my feelings. Haha</div>
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THUS, NOW IS STORY TIME!!!</div>
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Sorry Carol, I'm "these people" then. lol! Anyhow, season 1 of the Walking Dead premiered on Halloween 2010. Jason watched it live from day one. He followed along faithfully for the entire 6 episode first season run. I, on the other hand, have never before been a fan of gore in television or movies, and I have certainly never been a fan of the horror genre. However, my husband is. He loves horror stuff and especially zombie related stuff. So, while he had no familiarity with the Walking Dead comic prior to the tv show's debut, he was initially interested because of the whole zombie apocalypse aspect.</div>
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While he watched the show, I would often hear dialogue in the background. A few times it would catch my attention. One unusually touching moment for entertainment considered "horror" that convinced me it was more than just some zombie show, was from the pilot itself. The lead character Rick Grimes sees a woman who is now a sad shell of her former self and has turned long ago crawling towards him. He meets her eyes and says, "I'm sorry this happened to you", before he puts her down. I knew right there that it was a much different animal than I thought it was. </div>
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Slowly as Jason rewatched the first season, I'd watch more here and there. When season 2 debuted, I was hooked and have been ever since. Now, my reason behind bringing this all up, is that it aligns with my cancer diagnosis and journey in some odd ways. </div>
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I was recollecting with Jason recently about a particular moment that happened in the show, and how I realized we were in the apartment we're living in when it happened. I recalled my reaction in that moment, etc. Then it occurred to me. The season ended earlier than it normally would that year (in 2012) as it had several episodes fewer than it does anymore. The season finale for season 2 aired just two days before I received my diagnosis. Season 3 began just 4 days after my bilateral mastectomy and just 1 day after I was released from the hospital for it. </div>
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Okay, I know... I'm being a dork seeing all these things aligning. And I totally am, but I think something about it ties it into my journey a little more personally. These characters are all doing their best to survive the most awful circumstances. They have everything and anything thrown at them. So you see them through all of their ups and downs. I think in some weird way, it has helped empower me and distract me from my own trials and issues. </div>
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So I am indeed an uber fan... but I like to think there's some good reasoning behind it! <br />
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One final thing related to my fandom, yet unrelated - I'm still hoping to get my first tattoo this year. Maybe even two? My first will be my pink ribbon I've been wanting for the past 2 years, and now as a separate tattoo, I want to get my favorite quote of Carol's from the show along with a flower that represents her character. When though? Hmmm, sooner than later I hope! </div>
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Other than all my fangirl business, I've just been trying to get through the work week like everyone else. I was doing really well with going to the gym with Jason for quite a few months there. Now it's more inconsistent on my part, as Jason was asked to change to an earlier work shift which makes for us needing to get to the gym even earlier.<br />
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I just have such a hard time getting up to get to the gym at 3:30am versus the 4am we were doing. I don't have to be to work until 8am (and I'm off at 5pm), so I'll try to rest for a bit before getting ready and out the door to work, but with my chronic fatigue, it just makes for an extremely long day for me. I'm trying though, and I shall continue to. That's better than nothing after all!</div>
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My next oncology appointment is in September, so we'll see if he decides to order my next scan or decides to wait longer. I always get antsy as my time for a scan approaches. I'll be sure to post an update either way after I see him. </div>
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Weeell, and that's all I got for now folks! Thanks as always for taking the time to read my ramblings. God bless you all with a wonderful rest of your weekend. </div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i style="color: #741b47;">"</i><span style="background-color: white; color: #741b47; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; line-height: 21px;">But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger,</span><span style="background-color: white;"> </span></span><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: inherit;"><i><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">abounding in love and faithfulness.</span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;"> " </span></i></span><strong style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: inherit;">Psalm 86:15</span></strong></blockquote>
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<br />Anjhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10026705329912035151noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1224690829332159120.post-12284683087498013022015-01-13T16:12:00.001-08:002015-01-13T16:18:21.161-08:00I have a will for survival<div style="text-align: justify;">
Happy 2015 blog! Has it really been 7 months since I last updated?! Oh how time flies!</div>
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Let's see... there hasn't especially been a whole lot to fill everyone in on up until much more recently. That's probably why I've been so quiet leading up to this point. My biggest news concerning my health is that I had my most recent check up with my oncologist back in November, and he then had me go for my yearly PET/CT scan.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Major bruising from vein infiltration from the IV... ahh, fun times!</td></tr>
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I went for my scan, and well, good news first -- there was no sign of metastatic disease!</div>
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The less good news -- they found an ovarian cyst about 3.4cm on my left side.</div>
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He put in an authorization for me to have an ultrasound done to rule out it being cancerous. I went and had that exam in December. When I heard back from my doctor, I didn't really get a solid answer one way or another. I didn't get an "oh, it's a typical, benign looking cyst" or "it's suspicious, we need to check it out immediately".<br />
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The radiologist who read my images just thought I should have the exam repeated in 4-6 weeks to see what's going on. One thing positive is that on the PET it showed as being 3.4cm, and my ultrasound showed it being 2.9cm. It had shrunk a bit.<br />
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However, it was not a simple cyst. Instead, the docs were thinking more likely a complex hemorrhagic cyst. Fancy-talk for a blood filled cyst. Gross, I know.</div>
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So upon their recommendation for me to have the repeat done in 4-6 weeks, which I did the first week of January. The results from that were that the cyst on my left ovary had resolved! Woohoo! BUT, I now have a small cyst on my right ovary. Argh.</div>
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With the left ovarian cyst, I had been quietly having pain on the left side of my pelvis for a few months, actually. I didn't even think much about it. Figured it was weird period-related junk. I mean, women are freaking complicated, what with all our crazy reproductive organs and what not! lol</div>
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And as a matter of fact, I think the way that cyst "resolved" was by rupturing. Several weekends ago, I had some intense pain and breakthough bleeding. Ended in a couple days, but I was nervous about it. </div>
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So now, I'll hope and pray this new cyst is no big deal and resolves on its own as well. Just have to wait and trust our Lord once again. :3</div>
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So in non-health related Anj-news, since I have settled nicely into my lovely little office job, I made the plunge into being an owner of vivid, colorful hair. I had been wanting to do dye it violet/purple for years and there's nothing like facing your mortality to make you realize, "why the heck not??".<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-OqpplKqlOmk/VIUGVodRN7I/AAAAAAAAH-Y/Tx_3KOZldoo/s1600/IMG_20141122_132644.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-OqpplKqlOmk/VIUGVodRN7I/AAAAAAAAH-Y/Tx_3KOZldoo/s1600/IMG_20141122_132644.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yours truly during the nearly 6 month duration of my violet-hair.</td></tr>
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Of course, it may seem silly for a lady in her late twenties to do such a thing, but you know something? I don't care! I've always wanted crazy hair and most recently I had wanted beautiful purple hair, so why not? I totally know I have a problem with repeating myself, but cancer changes your world. It changed mine for the better in most ways. Things I would be too timid or frightened to do before, I say to hell with it and do it anyway! </div>
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I mean, God's got this anyway. My life was never fully in MY control to begin with, so why not live as happily as I can while I have life left to live? You learn so many things along the way when you have this outlook. </div>
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Now, does this mean I would be willing to duck into a just any back alley, weirdo ethnic restaurant and eat the strangest item on the menu? Pfft, noway, I'm not THAT adventurous. However, I would be willing to do it if I thought it might make me happy. :) </div>
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One of the other lessons I have learned is that the more I don't give an eff what random other people think of me (and focus only on my happiness and my love ones' opinions are) the sweeter life is.<br />
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So as 2015 came up to greet us, I decided to change my hair again for this brand new year. I now have a two-tone kinda thing going on. I was going for white in my bangs, black the rest... it didn't quite turn out as anticipated because my hair is a stubborn jerk. But, it still turned out pretty awesome if I do say so.<br />
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So, it is an ongoing battle to make myself feel beautiful after losing what is considered such a vital component of a woman's beauty, so I'll do what I can to convince myself of my beauty. I will say though, that my chest is looking the best it has since it has post mastectomy. If and when I am ever able to scrounge up the funds to get a tattoo either covering my scars or at least near it, then I think I can be pretty content with it all.</div>
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I had been saving a Victoria's Secret gift card that was a gift from my parents for my birthday in 2012. They got it for me with the intention that I could purchase some brand new brassieres once I got my new foobies. A marvelous idea, really!</div>
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The problem is, I can't wear normal bras any more. I tried a few times... and they ride up or don't fit right in the front. My right side (which is my Barbie boob side), does not properly fill out a cup the way a normal breast does. That extra bit of skin makes all the difference, apparently.</div>
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So I have yet to go to a Nordstrom and get fitted by a specialist. I hear tell they even sell mastectomy bras! I do need to get my paws on some of those as I'm awfully tired of wearing my pseudo sports bras. Yeah they're comfy and stuff, but I want to feel like regular a lady, dang it!</div>
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As far as getting back in shape, Jason's new job has a fabulous discount on gym memberships so we went last Friday to get signed up. We were going to begin working out this past Monday, but I woke up with a pretty severe sinus infection. -_- If it's not one thing, it's another sometimes!</div>
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Ahhh well. I actually have a complementary personal trainer session that I've got scheduled for this Sunday morning. It was recommended to me so as to start out on the right path to recovering and improving my upper body strength, etc. So we'll see what she says, but I'm looking forward to it. </div>
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I needs to get in shape because I am 100% going to be cosplaying as one of my favorite Walking Dead characters, Carol Peletier, to one or two conventions this year. ;) Yep, I'm that geeky that that's what motivates me. Haha! Hey, whatever works!</div>
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Besides, for anyone who may not watch TWD, she is a freaking amazing character. She has transformed the most over the seasons. She's a kick ass survivor, which I like to think is somewhat fitting. </div>
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Oh! Another thing I don't want to forget mentioning before I wrap this post up; we made it to our Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure San Diego for the third year in a row. ^_^ Quite happy to have been able to be there! It's always such a fun and uplifting experience. I know I look forward to it each year. It's turned into such a fun annual family tradition.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption">Team Pwn Cancer 2014! My parents also came by to cheer us on and enjoy lunch altogether afterwards. <3 I already can't wait for the 2015 race!<br />
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<span style="font-size: small; text-align: justify;">That's all for now, m'blog! But, here's to a wonderful and blessed year ahead for us all! :)</span><br />
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<span style="color: #4c1130; font-size: small;"><i>"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid of terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave nor forsake you."</i> <b>Deuteronomy 31:6</b></span></blockquote>
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Anjhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10026705329912035151noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1224690829332159120.post-54365270269476592752014-06-22T20:28:00.000-07:002015-01-13T16:22:12.282-08:00Leave a light on<div style="text-align: justify;">
It's been a wee bit over a week since I had my second breast reconstruction surgery. Sort of really hoping and praying it's my last too. Time will tell, but at this point, the results are night and day from what I was rockin' on my right side prior. </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pre-surgery: IV in, thumbs up.</td></tr>
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Surgery was relatively easy. When I came to after, I had pain and was given a Vicodin. I was able to stuff some crackers in my face immediately. The pain didn't come on until the following day and day after though. Overall, I would say the pain after was more punishing than my first breast reconstruction surgery.</div>
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As it turned out, I didn't require a drain after! Lots of surprises for Dr. Doezie when he got in there to do my capsulectomy, in truth. My implant had a 3/4 inch tear in it. Thank God it was cohesive gel! It was also twisted. Partially beneath the muscle, and the rest on top of the muscle. O_O How the even? haha So bizarre.</div>
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So he swapped out the implant with a fresh one, and instead of removing all the scar tissue completely, he removed some and created some scoring throughout it so it'd have room to expand for the implant. All this took an extra hour than planned too.</div>
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It <i>looks</i> awesome so far. I finally have some breast softness on that side, and the slope matches well with my left side. I'm super pleased with the results, aesthetically speaking. The down side? Tricky to know if I'm doomed to feel tightness on that side of my chest for eternity or not. I know my body is still healing, but just... guh. >:( </div>
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At what point do you just sort of wish you could not need to worry about this hot mess? </div>
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We all take for granted what we have until we don't have it any longer. Or if we're even blessed enough to have it in the first place. </div>
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Like it would be a tremendous loss for anybody who has had eyesight all their life to suddenly become blind. Point being, I miss having my normal, flawed chest in tact. It tried to murder me and all, but it was comfortable and natural and mine. </div>
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Most days my decision and what I've been through don't weigh on me. Nobody would even know what I've experienced if I wasn't such an open book. Perhaps I even hang onto it too much at times. But you don't go through this shit and not allow it to mold you on some level.</div>
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I
do my best not to bring up all the negative thoughts I have near daily.
I shove it deep down and smile when that's the last thing I'd like to
do. It's the fear of the disease returning. It's the pain I feel when I hear of
any person going through it. The way your altered view of life makes you look at others and their priorities differently. <br />
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I'll see some cancer survivors talk about moving on with their lives. Trying to forget it ever happened. I deeply admire and respect them if they're able to accomplish that. I can and have moved on for the most part, but so much is still so different. </div>
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The days I do forget, those are my better ones without a doubt. </div>
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But... I'm alive. I'm all scarred and stitched up and broken; however, I'm still here. That's something I must perpetually tell myself.</div>
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So please Lord, forgive me once again. I stumble and some times it takes me longer to get back up and regain my stride. I will regain it though, specifically with and by your loving aide.</div>
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And lest we not forget, everything happens for a reason. Everything. As much as I despise that fact at times, it is the truth. :)</div>
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For all I know, maybe this will all heal perfectly and be fantastic. All I know now is that I'm still uncomfortable and in pain. Better option any day than not being here to complain about it though. </div>
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God sees it fit for me to exist here still, so I shall exist and try to exist the best I know how. Showing kindness to others above all else. The world can never have too much kindness. And while being positive isn't always my strongest suit, I try to bring that to those around me as well as often as possible. It's the best I can do. </div>
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No reason for me to be harsh on myself for any feeling I feel. </div>
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That said, I want to acknowledge my wonderful husband and parents. Mom and Dad were there again for this surgery. My Mom had even made me some healthy and fibrous soupy type stuff to eat post surgery. :) So so sweet. </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-_N2SosTICkQ/U6eeBDCZ_YI/AAAAAAAAH68/8nmo4Y3tD_I/s1600/20140613_150110_Richtone(HDR).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-_N2SosTICkQ/U6eeBDCZ_YI/AAAAAAAAH68/8nmo4Y3tD_I/s1600/20140613_150110_Richtone(HDR).jpg" height="640" width="360" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Jason took this one of my adorable parents as they all waited for me.</td></tr>
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And Jason patiently, sweetly took great care of me afterwards. I love that fella kind of a lot. The evening after surgery, he had to literally feed me because I couldn't raise my right arm without extreme pain. He helped bathe me and cooked and cleaned and bathed me. Demeaning as it feels to require dependency on another person, I'm grateful to God that my husband is and has been amazing and willing enough to help me. </div>
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Oh, he was my chauffeur too! Surgery was on Friday, June 13th, and I returned to work the following Wednesday. I wasn't allowed to drive, so he would drive and drop me off before going to work, etc. etc. It was pretty fun to carpool, admittedly. :) </div>
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Anyway, thank you Beeyah for blowing my mind with your love and care. I am blessed to call you mine. <3 And Mom and Dad, thank you for everything as always! God is good to me by surrounding me with people who love me, and I love, so very much.</div>
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Lastly, our precious kitty Michonne, was also in on assisting me in my healing. The morning after, she crawled up on my lap and didn't move. She cuddled with me nonstop for those days I was hurting the most. Sweet girl.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My cuddlebutt kitty passed out on me as I recover. <3</td></tr>
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That does it for now, everyone! Wishing you all a most grand week! Go appreciate and spend some time with the beings you love.</div>
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Until next time, God bless you all and take care. </div>
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<i><span style="color: #4c1130;">"The light shines in the darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not." </span></i><span style="color: #4c1130;"><b>John 1:5</b></span></blockquote>
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Anjhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10026705329912035151noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1224690829332159120.post-6362775300644644582014-06-07T22:04:00.000-07:002014-06-08T15:58:37.606-07:00I believe in hope; I believe if I let go, I'll float<div style="text-align: justify;">
Soooo, kind of a lot has occurred since my last post! And I am most pleased and blessed to report that nearly all of the happenings are good ones! </div>
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First things first, I saw my new PCP and she was fantastic. She put in the referral for me to see Dr. Doezie, the plastic surgeon I had been desperately trying to find a way to see. Well, the referral was approved!! I had no idea if it would go through or not as he's covered by our insurance, but just outside of our HMO group's coverage. So having that first major hurdle accomplished, I was able to schedule my consultation. </div>
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My appointment with him was the day before my 29th (ugh) birthday, and what an unbelievable bday present I got! He told me that he believes he can fix my right breast without needing to do any flap surgery. Praise the Lord, like, for serious!</div>
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He's planning to do a capsulectomy, which is fancy-talk for cutting the scar tissue away that has encapsulated my right breast implant. Then he will likely swap it with a new implant. This time I will have a single drain. Bummed about the drain, but one sure sounds a lot better than the <b><u>five</u></b> I had to drag around after my mastectomy... ;)</div>
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In case it seems as though I'm talking about this as if it's coming up soon, that's because it is! My surgery is this next Friday!! I can dig it. Little to no time for me to dwell on it. The longer a surgery date floats around, the more you have time to think and worry. Which is no bueno says this Anj!</div>
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Instead, I shall get it done with and pray it is smooth and successful. </div>
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Okay, so that's the big, most relevant news! Some other big stuff for me has gone down since April as well though.</div>
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I am no longer working for Starbucks. It took some huge changes to finally give me the push I needed to leave that job behind. It wasn't really the job itself that kept me at it. It was the regular customers I connected with, and of course the friendships I had formed with co-workers. I am extremely loyal and I felt it wrong to abandon these people.</div>
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However, it was ever so slowly poisoning my life. I was exhausted, bitter, and most of all, unhappy. I started applying for jobs where I wouldn't be expected to be on my feet my entire shift. I was also looking for a decent company to join that I could grow with. Maybe settle into a career at, etc.</div>
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Before I put in my resignation at Sbux, I had interviewed and been hired by a company in Irvine. It was described to me that my duty would be calling and setting up appointments for salespeople with businesses who were interested in the services the company sold. </div>
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Sounded easy enough! Plus the sweet promise of full time hours, Monday through Friday work schedule, and bonus opportunities? That was all more than I needed to hear to lure me away. I was asked to start immediately. </div>
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First week was all training. We weren't even on the phones until midday Thursday of that first week. The longer I was there in training, the more I realized I had been suckered into being hired for a telemarketing job. :( </div>
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I survived that Thursday on the phones, and made it to lunch on that Friday before realizing I would be even more unhappy than I had been working at Sbux recently. So I politely waited until the lunch hour was over... packed up my things, thanked the trainers for the opportunity but apologized telling them the job was not a good fit. Like, really. Worst. Fit. Ever. </div>
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I felt reckless. I left the job I knew for this "promising" new one, and it was all a mirage. I had even unintentionally burnt some bridges with my resignation from Starbucks because I wasn't able to put in my two weeks. All again, for this other job. And now I had left that job. </div>
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I was unemployed and if I didn't get something, and get something relatively fast, I didn't know what Jason and I would do. We wouldn't be able to afford rent or our bills. All this running around my head, and I felt an eerie calm. Peaceful and relieved by it all.</div>
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As it turned out, God had it all under control. I trusted Him that I was doing the right thing. I trusted Him that He would lead me to what I was meant to be doing. </div>
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I was unemployed for maybe a grand total of 5 days? A dear mutual friend of Jason and mine named Lindsay has a caring mother named Jayne, of whom I have only had the pleasure of meeting once before in person. She had read our pleas for anybody with any jobs leads in our area and had supplied me with a great lead!</div>
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We knew it could be a long shot because a lot of people were applying for it, and my interview was sort of last minute. But I figured I'd go in there and just be my Anj-ish self. And it went well, but I again never expected anything. </div>
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Well, the day after my interview, I went about my business. I made it to church and was lazing about at home afterwards, but I felt really positive about everything. I felt that I needn't worry. I could put forth effort and see what would happen, but it was vital for me to simply trust. </div>
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I texted Jason telling him just that. He mentioned feeling the same. So I decided I would get on my computer to check for new job listings. About 5 minutes after that, I got a call being offered the job I interviewed for! Nearly cried. I was overwhelmed with gratitude. </div>
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And I started the following day. :) I'm working as a receptionist/administrative assistant for a wonderful little company called <a href="http://absolutehealthcare.net/" target="_blank">Absolute Health Care</a>. The owners, Vicki and Ron, are amazingly kind and generous people... and the other girl in the office, Katherine, is super cool and fun to talk to. She's the one who shared the lead on Facebook that Jayne honed in on for me, by the way! </div>
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Needless to say, I adore my new job. ^_^ AND if you or anyone else reading this knows of anybody needing caregiver services provided by a compassionate company in the Orange County area of California, look us up! </div>
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Oh, and I know I mentioned it briefly, but I also lived to celebrate another birthday! While I could whine about how turning 29 sucks lemons, I shan't. You know why? I'm alive! And I'm dang proud to be alive three years after receiving a cancer diagnosis. </div>
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In summary, life is good and I am blessed beyond words.</div>
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I pray that all of you share in feeling the same. :) Hopefully, be typing to you all again real soon with a more normal/improved right booby! Haha! </div>
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Until then, God bless you all!</div>
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<i><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="background-color: white;">"But I trusted in you, O LORD: I said, You are my God." </span></span></i><b><span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="background-color: white;">Pslam 31:14</span></span></b></div>
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<br />Anjhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10026705329912035151noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1224690829332159120.post-27579985951150026052014-04-12T21:19:00.000-07:002014-04-12T21:27:27.451-07:00We only get one shot at this<div style="text-align: justify;">
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Hoohoo blog!</div>
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Much has gone on and much has changed since last I wrote... yet so much is still the same as well! </div>
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My 2 year cancerversary came and went without much notice. Truthfully, I think I went to work as it were any other day. I didn't even realize it had been two years since my diagnosis until a few days later. Haha! I would like to think that's better than obsessing on it, but I should like to mark it a bit better from here out. I want to always appreciate each year -- each month -- each week -- each day -- each hour -- each minute -- each moment, that passes... </div>
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I know I'm something of a broken record on specific subjects, but they are SO precious. Not everyone is guaranteed tomorrow. A bit over two years ago, that fact became abundantly clear to me. Thus, I will be a better survivor (should I be blessed enough to celebrate my third cancerversary) and make a celebration out of it again next year. :)</div>
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Soooo, besides having an obliviously peaceful cancerversary, I did get through all my tests performed by my cardiologist. And you know what we discovered? Not a lot. We determined I'm extremely physically deconditioned. Say what?? I'm crazy out of shape. Go figure. </div>
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Happy to find out my ol' ticker isn't damaged from the cancer treatment, but really? All that to be told I'm out of shape? Lol! I could have saved us a lot of time and money!! Ah well. It stinks because I was in pretty decent shape before the shit hit the fan. ;) My cardiologist was at least nice about not making me feel guilty about it though. He explained that I have good reason for it happening since I had no choice but to take it easy and rest for the better part of the past year plus.</div>
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There is an unlikely chance that I might have developed late symptoms of radiation damage to my heart, as it can't always be detected on echocardiograms, but he says I have no other symptoms besides the rapid heart rate. Phew!</div>
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Personally, I'd rather not have trouble with my heart. I sort of need it, like, for living and stuff! ^_^</div>
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And guess who happens to be portacath-less now?!</div>
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Yep, it is no more! I'm <b>still</b> trying to get used to being without it. You don't appreciate normal until normal isn't an option anymore. Having that odd little plastic device living under my skin just beneath my collarbone was normal for a good long while.</div>
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So I was given the choice to have it done in the surgery center and be put under for it, or my surgeon could give me local anesthetic and remove it in the back room. I chose the latter of course, you know, because I'm <strike>Batman</strike> a bad ass. </div>
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I learned that anesthetic really burns once it is injected. I also learned that there is absolutely nothing natural about hearing tearing and slicing sounds that <i>you know</i> are coming from your own body. Only a little unsettling... hahaha! My entire body was so tense I was shaking, sooo I was pretty excited when it was all done. Still took about 45 minutes, but at least Jason could be in the room with me. <3</div>
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And he got a picture of my port being held up like a trophy-fish after it had vacated my body!</div>
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I recall being so against having the port put in originally. I didn't want another scar if I could help it. Strange as it sounds, it's one of my favorite ones. Jason informed me it's one of his faves too. There's something about it. I think it's because it's so recognizable. You see someone with that clean scar and you can probably safely assume that it was used for administering chemo. Something like a badge of courage.</div>
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If I was bolder, perhaps I'd share my other scars, but I don't know about all that. Although I respect and admire the survivors willing to bare theirs completely. With that, I can perfectly segue into this photo I found of a stunning mastectomy scar cover up tattoo. The size and placement is fairly close to what I dream of having. Assuming that skin can be tattooed.</div>
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I have yet to see my gynecologist again. I was so tied up with appointments last month that I spaced on the time of the appointment and missed it. I really need to reschedule... as I have some irregularities and concerns. And I still want to get the IUD.</div>
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The fuuuun never ceases! Lol, and I do now have a brand new PCP, so I need to get in to see her. I have a million things I want to bring up with her but I also want to push for a referral for the cosmetic surgeon I want. Praying that will all work out.</div>
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Christ has gotten me this far. I trust He will continue to see me through. No matter the stress or pain or fear I must face, He is there. There is always comfort in that, and I need to focus on that when things get hard.</div>
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And well, that's about all I have for now everybody! Thanks for taking the time to read! May the Lord bless you and I wish you all a beautiful weekend! Make sure to go love who you love, be happy and make some lovely memories. :)<br />
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<span style="color: #4c1130;"><i>"Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny
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Anjhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10026705329912035151noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1224690829332159120.post-72454958685061818132014-03-01T18:51:00.000-08:002014-03-01T18:58:38.388-08:00Might not be a lot but I'm making the most<br />
Well blog, seeing as I'm updating you less than a month since my last post, then you must know I come bearing news. <br />
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So I met with that plastic surgeon that my nurse navigator had heard of. That was one of the hardest days I had had in a long while on this journey. He took one brief glance at my chest and told me -- </div>
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1.) I wouldn't be able to get tattooed there because the skin was far too thin.<br />
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and 2.) Simply having a smaller implant put in to replace my current one on the right side, was not going to be successful; therefore, it was not an option for me.</div>
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He went on to further deflate me by explaining my only option available would be either <a href="http://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/breast-reconstruction/multimedia/free-tram-flap/img-20005835" target="_blank">TRAM</a> or <a href="http://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/breast-reconstruction/multimedia/latissimus-dorsi-flap/img-20005836" target="_blank">latissimus dorsi</a> <a href="http://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/breast-reconstruction/basics/what-you-can-expect/prc-20020499" target="_blank">flap surgery</a>. Then, he explained that generally only plastic surgeons who do TRAM/lat flap surgeries on a regular basis are comfortable doing them. </div>
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In other words, he was done dealing with me. I was too much of a hassle. If not, that's definitely the vibe I got off the experience. It was a $40 co-pay to be dismissed immediately. Frustrating as it was, it was eye opening. </div>
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I need a cosmetic surgeon who is going to be patient, kind and willing to help "fix" me. </div>
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So begins another challenge. We are quite limited on the number of plastic surgeons covered by our insurance. There is one in particular, I have had recommended to me by multiple reliable sources that I'd really like to be able to see. So now Jason and I are working towards anything we can to try and make that happen. </div>
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This doc I want, specializes in breast reconstruction. He's done a lot of the surgeries for women in the breast cancer support group I had been to before. I just feel God is pointing me towards seeing him. If that's true, I think this will all pan out the way we're hoping. Time shall tell. </div>
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Even my general surgeon, Dr. Kushner, recommended this cosmetic surgeon to me. Speaking of Dr. Kushner! I saw him earlier this week about having my port removed FINALLY. He was concerned about the issue with my heart racing which I'll get back to, but I was able to schedule an appointment to have my port yanked.</div>
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I was given the choice to have it scheduled and done at the surgical center, or just done in the back room where his office is. Only difference is twilight sleep. I decided I'm okay not being put under for this. I still get local anesthetic, so it's not like I'll feel anything. I'll just look away when he's slicing and stuff. ;) </div>
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As for my heart, well, I did eventually get a phone call from my cardiologist's office. They said my blood work looked fine. No hyperthyroidism then or anemia. After being prompted by Dr. Kushner, I called and scheduled to get my echocardiogram. My cardiologist had another test he wanted me to get, so I scheduled that and a follow up as well. </div>
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The other one is to monitor my natural heart rate for 3 days. So I have to wear a monitor and check in each day for that I guess? The fun never ends, you guys! Haha</div>
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Ah, I also finally made it in to see my gynecologist. I literally hadn't seen him since maybe a couple months after my original diagnosis. He was very relieved to see me alive and doing fine. I thanked him up and down for helping me move things along so quickly, since he was the one who confirmed further testing about the breast lump I had.</div>
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I should have seen him more recently, seeing as I'm more at risk for cervical/ovarian cancer as someone who has breast cancer. So I'm nervous about getting my pap results. Hopefully all is normal and well. I'm going back next week, to have a hormone-free IUD placed and he's going to do an ultrasound on my pelvic area. </div>
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As I said, the fun never ends! I still have more docs to visit after these ones too, but I don't want to think about that right now. Lol! But you know, I would take preventative maintenance appointments any day over a lot of other things. </div>
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Other than filling my weeks with as many doctor visits as I can manage, I've been working and napping and squeezing fun in here and there. </div>
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Disneyland has been my life long happy-place/refuge, plus the hubby and I have a ton of sentimental history as a couple attached to it as well. So we've had a chance to get back there a bit more recently. Not much more in life makes me happier than being there, nonetheless being there with him. :)</div>
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We can't afford to take a <i>real </i>vacation, so it's our next best thing. And I am blessed and grateful for it. <3</div>
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With the mention of expenses, I must bring up something I debated with myself whether or not to post about here.</div>
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Now, I try not to speak of our financial issues. Not for pride's sake, but because I never wanted to worry anyone. </div>
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Before I go on, it should be said that we have received generosity and kindness from family, more than I ever feel we ever could have deserved, earlier on during this ordeal. That help was what kept us afloat. </div>
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We are just about 2 years out since my DX. Treatment didn't end for me until May 2013, and my last surgery was in August 2013. We are still trying to pay off my radiation therapy. On top of that, my so-called routine testing, has a much heftier co-pay. Our specialists co-pay went up last year as well. </div>
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You think if you're blessed enough to beat cancer, it's all sunshine and cupcakes afterwards. And in many ways, it is! But the upkeep to make sure you remain cancer free... the lasting side effects... the medical bills that never cease... </div>
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It takes its toll. At the suggestion of one my dear friends, Stacey (she was a fellow Disney bride too!), Jason made an account for us on a medical fundraising website called Give Forward. The money donated, which I am shocked and humbled we've received as much as we have so far, is going to help us pay off our medical bills. </div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-OdjbInBaO8w/UxKAIbxulEI/AAAAAAAAHpg/QGaE96elr2Y/s1600/giveforwardlink.jpg" height="298" width="400" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.giveforward.com/fundraiser/6q24/anj-s-breast-cancer-treatment" target="_blank">https://www.giveforward.com/fundraiser/6q24/anj-s-breast-cancer-treatment</a></td></tr>
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Please, by no means feel obligated... prayers are deeply appreciated,
but if you're interested in donating to help us out, click <a href="https://www.giveforward.com/fundraiser/6q24/anj-s-breast-cancer-treatment" target="_blank">HERE</a>. </div>
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I feel so strange asking for donations. I don't see how or why little ol' me would be any worthier than anyone else out there, but I do feel so immensely touched by the outpouring of loved ones sharing and donating. Not to forget those beautiful strangers who have as well! <3 I see Christ is alive and well in each of these kind souls. </div>
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I hope we'll be able to return the favor one day. By our Lord's grace and mercy, I know we will. </div>
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Even with all our stressful money dealings, I can't complain. It could be so much worse. I am ever grateful for each day. I, very heartbreakingly, was slapped with this reminder when my friend and personal cancer-warrior-hero, Stan, lost his battle a few weeks ago. </div>
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His optimism and love is resounding. He was and shall ever be an inspiration to myself and many others. I never saw him whining about anything, ever. The guy had plenty cause, out of nearly everyone I've known, to complain too. He never did. He fought nearly without end for 3 years. </div>
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I aspire to be that way... although I'm sorry, Stan. I don't think I'm as saintly as you were. :) </div>
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Rest peacefully Stan. May God bless you, my friend, and may He bless your courageous wife, my friend Fatima as well. Let us all be appreciative for our blessings, great and small.<br />
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That covers everything new in my little world. I hope to have more to share, and hopefully all positive news at that, in the coming weeks. </div>
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Wishing you all a marvelous March! God bless!</div>
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<span style="color: #4c1130;"><i>"Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful."</i> <b>Colossians 3:15</b></span></div>
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<br />Anjhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10026705329912035151noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1224690829332159120.post-55896393061932247352014-02-04T18:42:00.000-08:002014-02-04T18:42:14.326-08:00Trying to hear above the noise<div style="text-align: justify;">
Happy (belated) 2014 to you blog-readers of mine! Hoping your new year has been filled with nothing but beautiful moments thus far!</div>
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I felt compelled to finally quit procrastinating and update this little ol' blog as today happens to be <a href="http://worldcancerday.org/" target="_blank">World Cancer Day</a>. A day dedicated to debunking myths regarding cancer, as well as raising awareness. </div>
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Since last I posted... I went ahead and got my hair cut. I now have a fashionable pixie style that appears MOSTLY straight. Chemo curls were pretty well eradicated when I lost the extra hair length.</div>
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I went and saw the cardiologist. Apparently some wires got crossed and I didn't receive an echocardio that day, but I did have an EKG done. Looked fine. My heart rate is still crazy high, around 115bpm, and the cardiologist suspected I might have hyperthyroidism. I got blood work done for it, and never heard back. So that's still a mystery that requires further investigation.</div>
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It restricts my lifestyle though. I get winded super easily since my heart is already beating so quickly, when it elevates due to exertion, I feel like I might pass out. :( So, I definitely need to find out what that's all about. </div>
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I finally made my appointment to see about having my port removed! Unfortunately it will be on Valentines Day. lol But ah well! I'm all about getting that sucker removed sooner than later. One less time I might have to get a needle shoved in there for my every-three-months port flush would be fabulous. It gets more painful each time, so no thank you.</div>
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And most importantly, I made the decision to give up on fighting my health insurance/HMO group regarding my cosmetic surgeon. It's an uphill battle that I would not be able to win easily. Aside from that, it must be happening this way for a reason. Again I've put my faith in the Lord, and spoke to my nurse navigator again, and she recommended a plastic surgeon that's been used by several ladies in the support group she runs.</div>
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My appointment with the new cosmetic surgeon is this Thursday afternoon. AH! Which reminds me! I had to pull some strings when I wanted to make that appointment too! Apparently my HMO needed me to get a recommendation from one of my doctors to see this surgeon. So I call my primary care, and guess what? Yeah, she's no longer at that office anymore. Never heard a word about it.</div>
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It wasn't even like she moved to another local office. She moved her practice to like, many cities away from here. Thankfully they got another doctor at that office to approve my referral. Phew. So, I still need to see about getting a new PCP now as well. If it's not one thing, it's another. Lol :)</div>
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Anyhow, I meet my new surgeon on Thursday. Lord willing, he'll be kind and confident he can fix my chestual region. :P</div>
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Unrelated to cancer prevention upkeep and post cancer maintenance, I found out from my dentist that I have a pretty severe cross bite and I will likely be getting braces in the near future.</div>
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Thanks to technological advances in dentistry, there are much more discrete options for adults. So I won't necessarily look like Darla from Finding Nemo. Hopefully. I may still think I'm a piranha though. No promises. ;3</div>
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Other than what I've been blabbing about, I'm just trying to continue to cherish each day. Some days are much trickier than cherish than others, I'll have you know. But Jason and Michonne-kitty make it worthwhile for me always. Even if everything else sucks, I have them to come home to, to love me and spend time with.</div>
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And that's that for now! Wishing you all the grandest of weeks! </div>
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<i><span style="color: #4c1130;">"I love you, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my
deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield
and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold." </span></i><span style="color: #4c1130;"><b>Psalm </b></span><span style="color: #4c1130;"><b>18:1-2</b></span></blockquote>
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<br />Anjhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10026705329912035151noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1224690829332159120.post-16692370865679594862013-12-19T13:50:00.003-08:002013-12-19T13:51:57.538-08:00I'll shut up and carry on<div style="text-align: justify;">
Holy geez! How are we almost to Christmas already?! I seriously blinked and this year was pretty much gone. Believe me, I am NOT complaining. Happy to have another year here that I can blink through. Haha :)</div>
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As with my last post, I come bearing both pleasant and unpleasant news. Let's get the icky news out of the way first, shall we?</div>
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This past Saturday I received a written response to my grievance I had filed with my insurance company. They supported my HMO group's decision not to cover my surgery. So, my grievance was denied. Same reasoning was given, only slightly different phrasing: "it is not medically necessary for you to go outside of your medical group's network". Gee, it isn't? And that's all it comes down to right?</div>
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It has nothing to do with the fact that I feel comfortable with this surgeon handling my case because he has been on it since the very beginning. He knows how my body heals and what my breasts looked like prior to all this crap. I was so livid over the decision that I sobbed while reading that letter. </div>
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I'm not looking for a fight. I'm not looking for a surgery to correct my breast reconstruction for something minor either. Frankly, I've been experiencing a gradual increase in pain and tightness on that right side. But I suppose that it <i>isn't</i> medically necessary that Dr. Mowlavi do my second breast reconstruction. However, that's the only way I will feel comfortable with it.</div>
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I have no clue what action to take next, but I'm going to call and talk to his patient coordinator. Give her the news and ask what step I should take. If I'm not already out of options as it is.</div>
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The whole thing makes me feel sick. I can't imagine someone being so coldhearted that they could dismiss anyone who has been disfigured due to lifesaving surgery, the chance to feel whole again. Just brutal.</div>
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So here I am again. I trust you Lord. Not sure why this is going the way it is, but I am sure that it's in your plan and there is good reasoning for it.</div>
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Onto the good stuff!</div>
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My CT/PET results came back... and there was no sign of metastatic disease!!!! <span style="font-size: xx-small;">P.S. that means no cancer! </span></div>
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YEEEEAAAH!</div>
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That's the best I could possibly hope for. Of course this means I've been dragging my heels on any other doctor visits I should be making. Such as scheduling to finally have my port-a-cath removed, or getting my echocardiogram done, visiting my gynecologist and opthamologist, etc. etc. </div>
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Gotta get through the holiday season, then I'll try to tackle all those things me thinks. I'd like to say that my business is pertaining to Christmas preparations but it's more due to work. It's stressful and tiring for this Anj normally, but this time of year there wears me out even more.</div>
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Speaking of when the season is over, I'm tempted to get a hair makeover once we reach the new year. But WHY?! many of you may ask. Well, my chemo curls seem to be reaching an end. My hair at the roots, and probably an inch or two of length from there is curl-less. Soooo, my hair is becoming increasingly obnoxious to try and fix.</div>
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It will make my mama cringe (sorry Mom, I love you!), but I might need to chop it shorter. I also have a million split ends. The curls I have at the ends of my hair are very dry, despite what moisturizing EVERYTHING I may use on it. So anybody got any recommendations for me?</div>
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Not sure about the color either. I love the red, as does everyone, but I'm not sure if I enjoy the upkeep. I would love to do something fun if the Bux allowed it. Alas, that is not the case.</div>
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Or, I may end up chickening out on a hair makeover yet entirely because I'm still just so happy to have hair at all. Hahaha!</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Click <a href="http://pwningcancer.blogspot.com/2012/12/life-is-way-too-short-to-take-it-slow.html" target="_blank">here</a> to see the post and photo from last year!</td></tr>
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A couple weeks ago, Jason and I went to his work's holiday party. Comparing a photo of me at last year's party opposed to this year, you might see why I'm a bit reluctant to cut my locks off too horribly much. It took a while to grow that dang hair out! I've only gotten trims once every 3 months I think? </div>
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Grumble grumble. Good to know I can concern myself with petty things again such as what my hair should look like. Lol! I know that sounds sarcastic, but I mean it!</div>
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Life continues to feel more and more normal. I pray it continues on that way for us.</div>
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Other than all that, our kitten Michonne is awesomesauce. She cuddles me almost nightly at bedtime and gives kitty kisses for days. She's definitely made us feel like we have our own little family. ^_^ So, have a photo of her adorableness for good measure!</div>
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That's all folks! In case I don't post again before the end of the year, I want to wish you all a most blessed and beautiful holiday season with your loved ones! At this time of giving and receiving, remember the love you share with one another is the most important gift of all. <3</div>
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...well, you know, besides the gift of Jesus being born unto the world that is! ;) Haha. Merry Christmas all and see you in 2014! God bless!</div>
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<span style="color: #4c1130;"><i>"Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed" </i><b>Proverbs 16:3</b></span></blockquote>
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<br />Anjhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10026705329912035151noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1224690829332159120.post-77632935905124185852013-11-14T12:07:00.000-08:002013-11-14T12:08:10.909-08:00I've got thick skin and an elastic heart<div style="text-align: justify;">
Oh blog... I had been meaning to update you a while ago, but now I have had too much going on that I feel it is necessary at this point.</div>
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As you may or may not recall, I spoke of my breast implants, their healing and some rippling in my last post. The creasing and rippling is much worse now. My right breast looks fantastic, while my left (the side which received the most intense radiation therapy) has not settled well.</div>
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I saw Dr. Mowlavi at the end of October and it was decided I would need to have another surgery to replace that implant with a slightly smaller one, and open up the pocket around the implant, plus that fat grafting. Not that I'm thrilled to require another surgery, but I felt some relief at the hope to fix this.</div>
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However, getting my surgery approved has been something of a nightmare. You see, my cosmetic surgeon's contract with our HMO group ended at the end of August. I guess a doctor though, in California, may request to continue care for a patient for up to a year following such a scenario. So my doc faxed and mailed a letter requesting simply that and giving particulars on what surgery he'd like to perform on me.</div>
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The doc's office told me to give them a few days and call to check up on the status of their decision. I called that Friday and it was still up in the air. The fellow I spoke with told me to try again on Monday or Tuesday. I did, and the decision was a resounding no. The reason? That my surgery was "not medically necessary".</div>
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I was in shock. I told the HMO representative that they had to be joking. I had received nothing short of stellar care during all my treatment under that HMO.</div>
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Their suggestion was that I could get the phone number of the new cosmetic surgeon I could use, or to file a grievance with our insurance company. I chose the latter.</div>
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I have had 2 successful and safe surgeries under my current doctor. Why on earth would I want some new doctor to come in at the end, who may have completely different methods, to finish up? That sounds like a bad idea to me. Besides, Dr. Mowlavi has worked on me enough to know what works and what doesn't for me. He also has experience seeing how I heal up.</div>
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It's just maddening.</div>
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I have done what I can do at this point though. I filed my grievance and now I sit around and wait to hear news. The HMO group has 30 days to reply.</div>
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My next surgery was put in the books for Novemeber 26th, but the likelihood of that being the actual date are slim. </div>
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Besides that, I had my follow up with Dr. Wagner, my chemo oncologist. I had my port flushed and blood drawn and he ordered an echo cardiogram and FINALLY, a PET/CT scan. I had to stick up for myself and let him know that I was quite eager to have it done though. Haha :)</div>
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Got a call yesterday that my blood work was normal with the exception of one of the tumor markers? I'm still not entirely sure what that means. I do know that the nurse told me a lot of doctors don't like to use them as they fluctuate too frequently, but that Dr. Wagner is extraordinarily cautious. So I was urged to get my scan done quickly and will likely be getting an ultrasound done on my ovaries next.</div>
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Once cancer has been introduced to your life, it sure keeps things annoyingly interesting! lol...</div>
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And I return full circle as always because all I can do is have faith and pray. Guess what Anj? It's still in God's hands! Nobody is given a guarantee on the length of their lives anyway. Each day is a fight to keep on surviving in one way or another. Some just have to fight a bit harder for it than others.</div>
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I'm blessed to be here at all so that I might continue to fight for daily survival.</div>
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But anyway... I forgot how very restricted your diet must be leading up to a PET/CT. No carbs, caffeine, sugar, milk, juice, fruit, etc. for 24 hours prior. Nothing but water and meat mostly. Some veggies are acceptable. I ate a couple of eggs for breakfast, but as lunch time approaches I'm at a loss. Lol! At least we have dinner figured out.</div>
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No eating for 6 hours prior to the scan as well. So, if it's anything like last time, my stomach will begin to eat itself by the time we leave the hospital! Haha.</div>
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You know, I found out whilst scheduling my scan that I haven't had a PET/CT since the March 2012 when I was diagnosed. That seems crazy to me. And a little scary.</div>
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Obviously I'm nervous. I want and pray and hope for nothing but good news.</div>
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Aaaaand I'm awful at segues, sooo in other news --</div>
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A couple weekends ago my hubby Jason, my best friend Shalya, my mommy-in-law Violet, (might as well be) pops-in-law Andrew, my sissy-in-law Briana, my bro-in-law Adam and their son, our nephew, Gavin and I all went down to San Diego for the annual Race for the Cure. We stayed the Saturday before the race at this gorgeous hotel originally built in 1926. Its location could not have been more perfect either. It was literally right across the street from Balboa Park where the race begins. </div>
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That Saturday night we all just hung out and drank some adult beverages. Hehe. At one point a group went down to pick up some tasty Mexican food from a restaurant that was close by. It was just really pleasant and relaxing.</div>
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The race itself was over in a blink. I got to walk in the survivor parade in the 0-1 year group - YAY! And the weather was just phenomenal. In the high 60s and cloudy. The best part? This year I was able the walk the entire thing!! Hey, it doesn't sound cool unless you picture yourself being unable to walk it a year ago because you were in a wheelchair. :P Haha</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-L7g-mJu5vXI/UoUoov40T4I/AAAAAAAAAuE/k4f72XAmuno/s1600/sdrace13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-L7g-mJu5vXI/UoUoov40T4I/AAAAAAAAAuE/k4f72XAmuno/s400/sdrace13.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The whole Pwn Cancer team! :D</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-LPak1I4B-dY/UoUoy4KqwEI/AAAAAAAAAuM/QJ4Oh1ihdDI/s1600/lookitthemmelons.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-LPak1I4B-dY/UoUoy4KqwEI/AAAAAAAAAuM/QJ4Oh1ihdDI/s400/lookitthemmelons.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">We just thought these guys were awesome!</td></tr>
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It was another beautifully heartwarming and humbling experience for me. I look forward to this being an annual tradition, so long as I've got willing company to go with me! ;)</div>
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Sadly that was Shalysa's last weekend locally too, so I was deeply appreciative she wanted to be there and share her last couple days with us! Hoping she had as much fun as I did!</div>
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I also have some more bad news, but it IS followed with good news!</div>
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After a lot of discussion and soulsearching, Jason and I decided our sweet little chinchilla needed to be rehomed. She had been getting a declining amount of attention and she deserved much more. She was adorable and precious, so wanted her to go to a good home. At first we considered selling her on Craigslist. But I was skeptical on the sort of people we would get interested in her from there.</div>
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So we did some research and found a lady who has a chinchilla rescue in the area. Nice lady who has been a vet for years. Through her, she connected us with a very kind young lady who had filled out an adoption form and was interested in adopting our chin.</div>
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As it turned out, she came to visit and meet her, and it seemed like a destined match. I was much happier letting her go knowing she'd go to a home who really wants her and will take good care of her. ^_^</div>
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Now for the good news! We knew we wanted a pet that we wouldn't have to keep cooped up in a cage. One that could be with us, living besides us. So we decided to get a kitten! Anyone who knows me will know that that's a no-brainer as I love kitties with a passion.</div>
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We did some searching at a few different adoption events last weekend, and fell in love with a lovely little black and white maine coon mix. She's 19 weeks now and was actually an orphan when she was rescued. :( Poor baby! But she'll have a great life with us and plenty of love now. She is such a cuddlebug and I love it.</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ng28e_k-ZHY/UoUgaP91w2I/AAAAAAAAAtU/UC-4k1o4_aE/s1600/meowchonne.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ng28e_k-ZHY/UoUgaP91w2I/AAAAAAAAAtU/UC-4k1o4_aE/s400/meowchonne.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Oh yeah, her name is Michonne! (Any Walking Dead fan will approve)</td></tr>
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That's all the latest I have to share for now! Thanks for reading, God bless you all! May you have a wonderful rest of your week. :3</div>
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<span style="color: #4c1130;"><i><sup class="versenum"> </sup>"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.</i><b><i>"</i> Romans 15:13</b></span></blockquote>
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Anjhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10026705329912035151noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1224690829332159120.post-56246541866395719682013-10-10T21:15:00.000-07:002013-10-10T21:18:47.863-07:00If you want to survive<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Guess which breast cancer survivor happens to be upon her <a href="http://pwningcancer.blogspot.com/2012/10/bai-bai-bewbiez-act-i.html" target="_blank">1 year</a> cancerfreeaversary today?!</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Yep, that's right... this Anj!!</span></div>
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In my head, that's when <i>I</i> started to consider myself a survivor. Odd truly, but my logic is that I had now survived cancer, as in, it is no longer living inside me. Therefore, I became a survivor. I think if I'm honest though, a cancer survivor is born the moment they decide to fight their disease.</div>
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So I was looking at today and thinking, "Woo! I'm a 1 year cancer survivor!". And it hit me. I'm more of a 1 and 1/2+ year survivor. But enough of that! I'm rambling and splitting hairs. Haha</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">In the moments before my bilateral mastectomy (I was petrified).</td></tr>
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What I do know is I am over the moon to be where I am today versus a year ago. I was probably just waking up at this time from my delayed, lengthy surgery. That anesthesia was not kind to me. My recollection of that evening is hazy but I do recall it being one of the worst of my life.</div>
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Everything gets better with time, so although I remember that much, I remind myself that it was a small price to pay. My heart will forever be overflowing with gratitude to all the medical staff who made my surgery successful, along with the nurses who took care of me post surgery and everyone who was there to show their support for me that day.</div>
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Especially Jason. He was nothing but the epitome of what a loving, gentle, caring husband should and could be at that time. He made sure I had everything and then some the entire time I was recovering. He would timely fetch my meds for me, bathed me, cooked, did all the housework, did everything I couldn't do aside from that (which was a lot), made sure I was as comfortable as could be 24/7, chauffeured me, soothed me, etc. etc. etc... </div>
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But my most favorite exemplary moment of his patient/loving caretaking, silly as it may seem, occurred when I was sick to death of wearing the deep vein thrombosis prevention stockings for days on end after my surgery. He was given the okay to take them off for me. My legs were really itchy, so he scratched them for me and then tenderly massaged baby powder on them for me. You gotta reeeeaaally love someone to rub their sweaty, prickly, unwashed-in-a-hospital-bed-for-days' leggies without hesitation. And my fella did! ^_~ haha</div>
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In seriousness, he's wonderful and it's frequently overlooked how much the caretaker is effected by the disease. It may not be that they are going through it, but in reality, they are. It's just not physically happening to them. In some ways I feel that may even be harder. For me, I would be excellent at taking care of my hubby if the situation were reversed, but it would be terrible for ME. I would very likely collapse in on myself due to worry over him. </div>
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I'm much braver handling stuff that happens to me because, y'know... it's just me. So whatever. No big deal. Lol! It's like that thing where people say you can hurt them, but don't hurt blankety-blank. I'm totally like that. You can insult me, but if you hurt anyone I love then it's so much worse than it could ever be happening directly to me. </div>
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Getting back on track, my husband is a huge blessing in my life. It hasn't been easy, this brush with the terrible C, but God has seen us through everything and shall continue to. And if we can conquer and come out on the other side of this together, we can do just about damn near anything. I lurve you, Beeyah!</div>
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Anywaaay, I say it before and I say it again: God is good. A year later and I'm still here. A small yet steep challenge that any cancer patient can appreciate. I take no credit though. It was all by my Lord's mercy that I'm still around to tell my tale. ;)</div>
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October 10th also happens to be my Mom's birthday! And she selflessly spent the day in the hospital waiting room last year, so I was happy to be able to celebrate both meanings for this day to be celebrated with her and my Dad!</div>
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We dorkily went to a crappy pumpkin patch today and then some "old world" village place in Huntington Beach. Had some amazing German food and beer there to celebrate. It was fun and I always enjoy the weird little adventures my parents and I have. I kind of love them both. A LOT. :)</div>
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As for new news, my foobies are continuing to heal nicely. As they settle, I am seeing some rippling in my skin around the implants though. Must be why I'll need that bit of "sculpting" my doc had mentioned before. Of course I have to be patient as that won't happen 'til my next appointment later this month.</div>
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I have officially thrown in the towel on being able to participate in the Komen 3-Day. :( I'm terribly disappointed in myself, but I didn't put enough effort into raising the funds I needed to. Logically, I don't think I'd be physically prepared for it anyway. We'll try another year, I'm sure.</div>
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We are, however, doing the Race for the Cure in San Diego again this year! It was a most grand experience last year and I'm thrilled to be doing it once again. I don't expect any of you reading this to donate since I've already hit you up for our 3-day stuff, but if any of you are feeling generous for a good cause: <a href="http://sandiego.info-komen.org/site/TR/RacefortheCure/SAN_SanDiegoAffiliate/133642784?pg=team&fr_id=3297&team_id=275900" target="_blank">click me for our team page!</a> </div>
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I try my best to remain positive. Like. ALWAYS.</div>
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Some days I find I have less energy for maintaining the positivity needed to keep me upbeat. Self image, naturally, is on my list of things that I beat myself up over. Ironically, it does come after the annoyance I have with my post-cancer-treatment body; the easy onset fatigue, my inability to sleep through to night, random mini hot flashes, etc. etc.</div>
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Oh guys, I know they're really nothing since these little vexations are in trade for being given back my life. I do know this. It's never far from my mind. I know each breath is borrowed... but I do feel it's important that I address the realness of my survival. All aspects of it. That would include the dark moments as well. So please bear with me when I do.</div>
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There's a sadness that comes over me if I spend too much time in front of the mirror. My breasts, while they are a vast improvement over the expanders, do not look the way I envisioned. I don't know what miracle I was expecting. They're not real breasts. They're not MY breasts. So that can't look or feel the way they did.</div>
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The missing nipple on my right is probably the toughest for me, odd as that may seem. It's not like I need it. Even if Jason and I decide to have a baby down the road, the breastfeeding card is off the table completely, so it's not necessary. I guess it's just further demonstration that I am missing part of what makes me a woman on the outside. Sort of a slap to the ego. </div>
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I never thought these would be issues I would have ever needed to worry myself with. Especially not this early in my life, if ever. My self-image issues run deep. They always have. I have never considered myself a pretty girl. Even when I was in shape, it wasn't enough. This is only an extension.</div>
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At least I'm plenty confident in the kind of person I am. I know who I am and I'm proud to be who I am. That's my one redeemer when I'm down on how I look. And I suppose it's a decent redeemer because I am awesome and stuff. Or so I tells myself! </div>
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And that'll do me for now, guys! Thank you for reading to those of you doing so! :) </div>
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May you all have a most blessed and super fantastic weekend. </div>
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #4c1130;"><i>"So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness" </i><b>Colossians 2:6-7</b></span></blockquote>
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<br />Anjhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10026705329912035151noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1224690829332159120.post-36320034878258202002013-09-10T15:36:00.000-07:002013-09-10T19:52:39.279-07:00Whatever you're facing<div style="text-align: justify;">
Time you fill you in again my dear blog! ...literally! :3</div>
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As you may have guessed, my exchange surgery went excellently. It was a total piece of surgical-cake! Yum? Haha Well, I won't say I didn't have any nerves. I had some, but I knew I was in good hands.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">All set and ready for my (hopefully) last surgery!</td></tr>
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I woke up a couple hours after being put under. I was trembling and unable to control it, so my nice surgery recovery nurse gave me some medication that stopped that. I'll be frank, I don't recall a lot else after waking up from this surgery. I know I was wheeled out in a wheelchair to our car. I also believe I crashed when I got home. Anesthesia is freaky like that. Forget-me-now juice!</div>
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The pain wasn't very intense when I was first released from the surgical center, however it started to kick in real good as I was settling in at home. </div>
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Thus I thought:</div>
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Haha! Due to the aforementioned pain, the routine of 2 Percocet every 4-6 hours for several days began. Oh joy. I shan't sugarcoat this for you all. Painkillers taken that regularly + not eating or moving very much = extremely uncomfortable digestive issues. Gross and not fun.</div>
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Weaned myself off the Percocet as soon as the pain was somewhat tolerable because of that fact.</div>
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Thanks to my amazing parents, we got hooked up with lots and lots of healthy yummy foods in the house since we were to be stuck at home for a while. Then that Saturday after my surgery, Jason's wonderful sister (Bre) and wonderful mom (Violet) came to visit us and cook food for us. </div>
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Had my first post surgery 1-week check up this last Thursday. Since I'm unable to drive for now yet, Violet took me. It was the first time I got to be out for an extended amount of time after surgery. Appointment went well. Everything was healing the right way, with the exception of some redness at the top of my right breast. Looked sort of like a bruise? But that also happens to be my breast that received the most radiation treatment. </div>
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Something else I learned that day...</div>
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When I woke up in recovery, I noticed I had some weird pink belt thing at the top of the new girls and above my regular bandages. I knew I was meant to keep all that on, or at least I assumed I was. However, nobody told me what it was for or how to keep it on there.</div>
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I walked into my check up wearing it down lower and backwards. Lol! My doc asked where my "breast band" was, and I go, "the pink thingy? I have it on!". Yeah sure I was wearing it. Incorrectly. Oopsie! </div>
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So for any of you other women out there who might face breast reconstruction with implants, or even a typical breast augmentation apparently... if you wake up with a velcroed soft belt thingamajig above your boobies, that's called a BREAST BAND. Leave it be! Hahaha </div>
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Its function? Ah, kind of an important one at that! It keeps your new foobies from migrating to places you don't want them.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Exhibit A: pink thing A.K.A breast band. Must be kept in place 24 hours a day.</td></tr>
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I would love to wash that thing at this point, but I don't even know if I'm allowed to! I guess that's a question for Thursday when I go to my post-op 2 week check up? ;) Why do I get the feeling I gotta keep this thing on for at least the full 4 weeks? Still beats the crap out of having drains in!</div>
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So I'm kind of almost feeling like a normal human woman again. Almost. My new foobs are fantastic and fabulous. I'm quite happy with them so far. I hear it takes time for them to "drop and fluff" into place. Whatever that means. In my mind, it means settling into the pocket that's made for them. </div>
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Not a lot of pain at this point. Sometimes I have some at the end of the day, but primarily I'm just becoming increasingly itchy as I heal where the incisions were made. Can't complain about being a little scratchy.</div>
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Gotta regain my stamina and strength again as well. I get tired and winded more easily. Dumb surgery recovery. :P GEEZ BODY! It's not like you've been under any turmoil recently and trying to reknit my cells and junk!! Get it together already! >:D</div>
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I'm planning to return to work next Monday actually. Starting out with princess shifts (4 hours-ish) so I can reacclimate. You always think time from work will be a whole lot of stuff it doesn't turn out to be. I was so tired most of last week that I didn't do much of anything other than sit on my butt catching up on tv shows and resting.</div>
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As hot as it's been here in southern California for the past couple of weeks, I'm okay with having to be stuck inside.</div>
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Anyway, I'll be happy and feel quite blessed to be able to return to work so soon. Honestly, we really need the money I make. My parents are so kindly and generously helping us once again so we could get by without my income for these couple of weeks. </div>
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Lord willing, this will be the last time for all of this. Last surgery. Last needing time off without pay. Last cancer-related chapter in my saga.</div>
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As bizarre as it is, the thought that this might all be behind me makes me feel empty. It's been my life. OUR life, for close to two full years. It's almost like another job in a sense. I think I just need to be adamant about filling the void.</div>
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My life, as I've said many times before, will never be the same. If I was considered to have an 'old soul' before, then now my soul must be fricken ancient! The worries many of my peers speak of are so troublesome for me to even attempt to relate to. I don't mean to sound as though I'm minimizing anyones' feelings or fears, but you go through something like this and you see that things could be a whole lot worse. For ANYBODY.</div>
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Myself included! Aggressive stage 2-3 breast cancer? Say my chemo had failed to work properly. Or my lymph nodes had been cancerous? And there's people who have much much worse they face with far more grace than I could ever muster.</div>
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So for the rest of my life here on this earth, I shall try to remain humble, grateful and full of kindness. You never know what other people are going through. One smile could give another person the will carry on for that day. Etc.</div>
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And I do believe that's where I will leave you all for now! May you all have a most lovely week and weekend ahead. I look forward to filling you in with more boob related information again real soon.</div>
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God bless you all!</div>
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<i><span style="color: #4c1130;">"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ... I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." </span></i><b><span style="color: #4c1130;">Philippians 4:4, 12</span></b><i><span style="color: #4c1130;"><br /></span></i></blockquote>
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<br />Anjhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10026705329912035151noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1224690829332159120.post-43410405210092160142013-08-28T19:03:00.000-07:002014-04-12T21:41:35.029-07:00Held me down but I got up<div style="text-align: justify;">
Hi again dear blog!</div>
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Sooo, my surgery is TOMORROW! Haha, Obviously, I have had my date for a while, but procrastination, yada yada, etc. ;)</div>
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On August 29th, I will get getting my brand new shiny set of foobies! No more mean ol' expanders. Which, I'd like to apologize to <i>everyone </i>who has hugged me in the past 10+ months. Particularly the more recent hugs. It's gotta be painful to hug a person with softballs implanted in their chest.</div>
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Soon enough they will be a thing of the past. Graduating to something closer to actual breasts will bring about better closure to this saga. I don't doubt I will never feel the same about my body, it can't be the same... because it's not. But, just as going to radiation treatment daily was a constant reminder of the cancer, so are these tissue expanders.</div>
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So they will receive a big, fat GOOD effing RIDDANCE from me upon their leave.</div>
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They have been a nuisance the entire time they've been living in my body. I'm not even sure if I have explained how very deeply I despise them. They press heavily on my chest and make me feel very short of breath at times. Although it sounds like some lofty excuse, I accredit my lack of routine exercise this year largely in part to this chest tightness/shortbreathed-ness. It bums me out.</div>
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Aside from that, I'm a side sleeper. For the past 10 months I have had to be a forced back sleeper. It's terrible. I keep two pillows on either side of me under my arms so I don't roll over. It still happens from time to time. I'll wake up crazy sore because I accidentally slept on my side or stomach a bit.</div>
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Come tomorrow morn, it will soon be a thing of the past. Granted I have to wait until I'm all healed up before I can probably sleep on my side again... but hoping and praying that chest tightness will be long gone.</div>
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Yesterday was my last day working for the next 2-3 weeks. While I know I'll miss all my work buddies, I think this forced staycation is sorely needed. I do everything possible to remind myself not to feel frustrated with my lack of energy, but it's tough. I know before all this cancer treatment I would not tire so easily. I do wonder how long the fatigue will stick around. Ah well, now is not the time to be hard on myself! I gots relaxing and trying to keep my mind busy today so I don't succumb to my pre-surgery nerves.</div>
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Subconsciously I've been way ahead of myself. I've had issues staying asleep for the past several days. Even when I've been exhausted. </div>
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Thankfully I was prescribed Valium to take for surgery related anxiety. So here's to hoping I'll be well rested come the morning.</div>
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You'd think I wouldn't be afraid since this will be my third surgery, but I guess being nervous just comes with the territory. I keep on reminding myself over and over that it's in God's hands. And it is. So why bother worrying? There's nothing I can do about it anyway. :P</div>
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So today I'm not allowed to have alcohol or caffeine. The big one for me is the caffeine. Working at Starbucks, you kind of wind up dependent on the stuff. I feel all groggy and sluggish without it.</div>
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Harder yet will be abstaining from drinking any water after midnight. That's the worst. The no eating part? I'm not especially hungry prior to going under the knife anyway, but I do get crazy thirsty. That's one thing that can't really be fully described unless you've gone through it. Once they get those IV fluids pumping in ya, it's so sweet. Suddenly you don't feel thirsty. So strange.</div>
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Now that I'm thinking of it, they must think I'm a pro by now at this whole business. I got so little verbal instruction aside from a handout that was given to me when I signed necessary paperwork to undergo the procedure. I suppose it is a good thing I know the drill then!</div>
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For curious readers, YES I am going bigger than what God had given me naturally. This is the only situation I would have ever personally condoned implants for myself... so why not at least get something I want out of it? I had to go through a crap ton to get my booby upgrade! Haha</div>
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The deets are my surgeon is going to be using a "gummy bear" implant. It's made of a cohesive silicone filling and is teardrop shaped. Should look more like real breasts and shall be much less likely to cause rippling to occur. </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">These are the delicious, REAL inner contents of gummy bear implants... ;) (j/k!)</td></tr>
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He also told me the size will be 550cc-700cc. I know that's a big gap but it has a lot to do with what he thinks will work. I'm filled at 500cc in my expanders and they don't seem all that big. We shall see!</div>
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After I'm all healed, I'll have some fat grafting around the implants so it'll look more natural. I can't wait! I shy away from low cut stuff these days. It's not very pretty for any of us to have to see, but I'm hoping that will be an option again sooner than later.</div>
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This morning I got up early and went to church. I wanted to go mostly so I could say thank you. I do it everyday, but when it's in His house, it feels different. So I did just that. Spent most of my time praising Him for giving me strength to fight. For allowing me to be at this point. I never thought I would have had the mental fortitude alone.</div>
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I am so very, very blessed. I pray that His love may shine through me and I can help others so they might see themselves as being blessed as well. No matter how much or how little you have, what you have is a blessing. What you don't have doesn't matter as much.</div>
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Speaking of blessings... I had some really amazing times over the past few days. Jason and I got to spend time with my parents on Saturday. Had some lunch and enjoyed one anothers' company. :) Then Sunday we got to see Violet (Jason's Mom), both his sisters and their families! We all had a nice linner together. Loved sharing time with family all weekend. It's such a gift!!</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My Dad took this pic of us while we were out at lunch.</td></tr>
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One of Jason's co-worker buddies, Jack, had been inviting us to come out for a cruise on his sailboat some time. We took him up on it on Monday! Had wonderful company and got to meet the amazing people he's currently working with. It was exceptionally peaceful and relaxing.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Our beautiful view from the sailboat.</td></tr>
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And I think that's about all I've got for now everybody! Blessings and happiness and love to you all as always. Now go out and be the best you. Never less. ^_^ </div>
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<span style="color: #4c1130;"><i>"Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation" </i><b>Isaiah 12:2</b></span></div>
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Anjhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10026705329912035151noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1224690829332159120.post-88818727504017342112013-08-04T13:10:00.001-07:002013-08-14T16:15:56.509-07:00And she walks<div style="text-align: justify;">
Dear blog,</div>
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I am feeling deeply contrite for neglecting you. As is sadly common, in living normal life you take for granted the things which are normal. What I mean is that I've not posted because things have been going well! </div>
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Not the worst of all excuses for my lack of posts, but still an excuse all the same. </div>
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So with my apologies out of the way, I'd now like to update you on the newest! </div>
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Last I left you all, I was preparing to finish my radiation therapy. I did very happily complete it all back in May with no further hiccups. To cross that final treatment finish line was beyond sweet. The commitment to go Monday through Friday was so mentally taxing. I almost didn't know how to react when I no longer had that obligation each day! </div>
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I still tire very easily in comparison to my pre-diagnosis/treatment days. However, it's a vast improvement where I am energy wise versus my stamina level during radiation. </div>
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Could I tell you that I'm running marathons and able to work 12-hour days and still go out afterwards? Oh hell naw! Haha. But I do feel a gradual return of energy. VERY gradual. Like, snail paced actually... but an improvement is still an improvement, right?!</div>
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After closing the radiotherapy chapter of my cancer saga, I had to wait for a couple of places on my right breast to fully heal up before seeing my cosmetic surgeon. One spot was particularly stubborn as it would JUST. NOT. HEAL. </div>
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It was teeny-tiny too. One day there was a small thing poking from it that turned out to be another stitch my body decided it wasn't going to absorb. Once that sucker came out, it healed up in no time. I called and scheduled my first post rads saline expansion. </div>
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Doc decided to fill only my left side as it was in need of it because it was deflated so much for better access during radiation. This last Thursday was to be my next fill. Went in with only the intention of getting closer to the size I want to be at. </div>
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We went in not expecting much because at my last appointment, Dr. Mowlavi told me he'd like for me to wait 3 months more until we did my exchange swap surgery. </div>
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Boy were WE surprised!</div>
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I did get a fill on my right finally, and quite well more to the size I will be, but it seems there may be a <i>very</i> slow leak in my left expander. I guess normally if there happens to be a leak, there would be a surgery to swap out that tissue expander. Seeing as I'm so close to being done, he favored moving up my swap surgery instead. </div>
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I bet you can guess who's going under the knife again in the next few weeks?! This Anj! </div>
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Exceedingly unexpected but it is what it is and I trust God. I trust His goodness, His timing and His will. This is when it's supposed to occur, so it will. ^_^</div>
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I don't have my official date, but I will after tomorrow. I've had a follow up appointment scheduled to see Dr. Wagner for months so I'm seeing him after I get off work. Then I'm shooting straight over to pick up and sign papers for my forthcoming surgery from Dr. Mowlavi's office.</div>
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Haha, oh! And I'm seeing Dr. Wagner to report on how I'm doing being on Tamoxifen and finally the order for my CT scan. I'd been anxiously awaiting that. No matter how official papers are claiming there is no more cancer in you, my mind tells me I've been done with treatment for 3 months now. I finished chemotherapy nearly a year ago! In the back of each survivor's mind is that darkest of fears, "what if it came back?". </div>
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Until I have more finalization that those terrible self sabotaging cells of mine are still 100% bye bye, I won't have complete peace of mind. The trouble is, I don't know if I'll be able to swing all these doctor appointments between everything depending on how quickly my surgery date shall arrive. </div>
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Gotta jump through those hoops again. Clearance from the primary care physician who then asks you to have x, y and z exams done elsewhere. If I throw in a scan, finishing up possible dental work I've been procrastinating about, and fitting that all in between my work schedule... you might say I'm a little frazzled inside.</div>
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Here we go again, Lord! ;) </div>
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So what, pray tell, have I been doing in my blogging absence you ask? Well, working. And then working. And then recovering and napping and gaming and reading. And then working some more. :) Pretty standard, normal life living type of stuffs. Soaking up the pleasant little things and griping over insignificant ones like some sort of average joe. Essentially, relishing the normalcy I was robbed of by cancer for 15+ months. :P</div>
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My hair has grown. I had to get a trim a couple weeks ago. I don't know why hair inherently becomes a mullet as it grows out from nothingness, but it does. I had the hair stylist trim that party in the back to match the business in the front STAT. I hated my curls with a fearsome loathing at first, but I've grown fond of them with time. It makes me feel a little old timey. Like some sort of dame with lazy finger waves!</div>
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I have never received so many compliments on my hair as I have in the past 6 months or so. It might be slightly atrocious of me but I take great delight in people's responses when I explain why curls have not been the primary texture of my hair all my life. Some people handle it very gracefully. Others are speechless. Some are apathetic. It's intriguing to see which I get. </div>
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Could I hold the truth from a stranger? Easily, but I feel like more people should be exposed to the reality of how commonplace cancer is. Almost everyone you know has had someone close to them touched by the disease in one way or another. Yet we still shy away from it as though it's something contagious. Like you could will it upon yourself or your loved one by saying its name three times simultaneously. Lol </div>
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I was guilty of this thinking at one point too. I thought of the C as a disease that ends only in death. It could happen to the "other guy" and maybe even his family or friends, but it couldn't happen to MY family. Nope. Or MY friends. And least of all, to ME.</div>
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You would think that as a society, we would have grown to see that isn't true in the slightest. If this disease can happen to sweet babies and children, it can happen to anybody at any time for no tangible reason. Allow me to emphasize <b>tangible</b>. Surely there is plenty of reason for it, yet we may find none for it here. </div>
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Anyhow, my Susan G. Komen 3 Day fundraising is not going all that well. I suppose that I've not put enough into it either. I'm still going to give it my best to reach my minimum, but if either Jason or I can't reach that $2300, we can't walk. :( Simple as that. I'm so grateful to the few who have donated in our names. So to the few of you who have, your kindness and help is a blessing! Thank you!<br />
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And if any of you kind souls do happen to be interested in donating: <a href="http://www.the3day.org/site/TR/2013/SanDiegoEvent2013?pg=team&fr_id=1818&team_id=225805" target="_blank">CLICK MEEEEE! :D</a> </div>
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With that, I think I've reached that point of I've said all I'd like to say for now! Thanks for reading and following along. I will do a smallish update once I have my implant surgery date in sight.<br />
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Until then, I'm wishing you all the very best always. Lots of love and happiness and good things! God bless and take care.<br />
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<i><span style="color: #4c1130;">"Now may the Lord of peace Himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you." </span></i><b><span style="color: #4c1130;">2 Thessalonians 3:16</span></b></div>
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<br />Anjhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10026705329912035151noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1224690829332159120.post-80579968436277390142013-05-01T19:17:00.001-07:002013-05-01T19:17:48.869-07:00Catching my breath<div style="text-align: justify;">
Between work, my daily radiation treatment, therapy appointments and my overall fatigue... I find it hard to squeeze time to write a blog post! So I do apologize once again for my recent silence, but I assure you that as a general rule of thumb, no news is (mostly) good news!</div>
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This time that good news happens to be that I have not had any hiccups with my treatment this go 'round! Sounds like a small victory, which it is, but I'm totally psyched to not run into any further trouble so far.</div>
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And better news yet than that? This is my LAST week of radiation treatment! Yeeeaaah! </div>
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Since I'm wrapping up with this whole chapter of my cancer journey, I figured some of you might be interested to see where and what gives me my treatment!</div>
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<br />First up is the machine that administered my first 31 doses of radiation. I'd lie down on the table, put my right arm up in that cup-looking-thingy and the machine would spin around me. It was a bit on the older side and rather clunky, so with the approval of my radiation tech, I named it Bessie. </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-vGrqwz3uJos/UYG8VbHHSfI/AAAAAAAAAjE/STsj12Z9Ogo/s1600/bessie.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-vGrqwz3uJos/UYG8VbHHSfI/AAAAAAAAAjE/STsj12Z9Ogo/s400/bessie.jpeg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My rads tech Brian photobombed this pic of Bessie for me.</td></tr>
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Now that I'm receiving the "boost" portion of my treatment, I've graduated to a different room and machine! It's really more of the same with the exception of that cube extension. See the cut out on it? That's my tailor made cookie cut out to seclude the radiation to the scar on my right breast. </div>
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Kinda nifty right? Since this machine is newer, quieter and slightly sleeker while still being on the large side... I decided to name her Dolores. <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wiHUFTEH7Eg" target="_blank">I have my reasons. :D</a></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-sYHztIz-hYA/UYG877gbu-I/AAAAAAAAAjM/95zxWef-oow/s1600/dolores.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-sYHztIz-hYA/UYG877gbu-I/AAAAAAAAAjM/95zxWef-oow/s400/dolores.png" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I didn't ask Brian to photobomb this time. :P</td></tr>
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So I'll finally be able to sort of feel like less of a cancer patient when I'm done with this treatment.</div>
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I know I'll still have medical obligations to maintain, but it will be far less demanding. I will no longer have a DAILY reminder of everything. That by itself exhausts me. It's not like I'm going to <i>forget</i> I had cancer. So having to go to the parking lot of the hospital where I had my breasts removed and then receive my radiation at a place where I am once again the youngest person being treated Monday through Friday? Yeah, not so bueno! A little tough to swallow some days.</div>
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And I get so upset with myself over my fatigue. Thankfully, one of my therapists (I'll get back to that!) used an analogy to help me understand and cope with it better though.</div>
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She said I need to think of an infant. Babies sleep and they sleep A LOT. Why? Because they're growing right? This means they have a bazillion cells dividing and multiplying. Cancer patients who have had the typical combo of chemo and radiation have had many cells, both good and hopefully mostly bad, destroyed. So know what happens next? We gotta regrow those suckers! Makes sense, but I never thought of it that way.</div>
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I try to have more patience with my poor tired body as a result now. :)</div>
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Back to the talk of therapy! Haha. Well, I've been seeing my counselor individually for about a couple months now. It's beneficial, but I'm hoping to get even more out of it with time. Now, Jason and I started marriage counseling a few weeks ago. My therapist recommended the person we're seeing and she's fabulous. Looking forward to all the positivity that will come from the help we're/I am getting. </div>
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Speaking of Jason and I as a couple! Today marks the day we started dating, which was six years ago. We've been together ever since! Pretty unbelievable. Seems like so much shorter and so much longer all at the same time. I don't mention often enough how blessed and grateful I am for him. It's been a really trying year + for us both individually and together. But you know what? We've weathered the storm and we're still very much in love. I feel like we can only grow in our marriage even more from here on out. </div>
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God saw us through some very heavy stuff. Now we need to realize that the worst is behind us. Time to get back to enjoying our life together. And time, especially, to celebrate! </div>
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On top of being together for 6 years, our <a href="http://www.placidpictures.com/video_wedding_disneyland_hotel_anaheim.html" target="_blank">3rd wedding anniversary</a> is a week from today! That plus my final radiation treatment? I think that calls for some celebration! <3 </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">May 8, 2010 - right after we got hitched! <3</td></tr>
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Anyway, I just want to thank my sweet sweet husband for standing beside me. For continuing to love me and continuing to find me beautiful, despite what I think of myself. For caring for me when I couldn't care for myself. For taking on the burden of this journey and not running away. For supporting me in so many ways even when it was hard for him to support himself.</div>
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I love you Jason. I thank the Lord for you every day and I will for the rest of my days.</div>
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Let's see... other than lots of lurve and work and an end to treatment being within sight? Planning and trying to train a bit for the Susan G. Komen 3 Day! Got my shoes for the walk! Pricey, but well worth it if it saves me from injury. They are insanely comfy. </div>
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I went to this walking/running specialty store called Roadrunner Sports to get them. They're a partner with Susan G. Komen for the events so I thought it'd be a good place to start. They did this whole crazy assessment process where they recorded my feet as I walked on a treadmill, measured my feet, etc. etc.</div>
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Apparently I have very high arches and over pronate on my right foot. Who knew? I sure as hell didn't. Lol! However, I'm glad to know before I walk 60 miles over the course of three </div>
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days! </div>
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My hair is growing in nicely. It is NOT nice to tame though. These curls are seriously cray-cray. I can't decide if I want to bear with it and allow it to grow or whether to cut it into some amazeballs, kick ass short style. </div>
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All I will say is thank God for thick stretchy cloth headbands and hair products to soothe my twisty locks of pure insanity. Regardless, here is my current hair progression:</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yNcNOD7cgUE/UYHAMkuIjyI/AAAAAAAAAjc/FWMzHHuJM0U/s1600/baristaanj.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yNcNOD7cgUE/UYHAMkuIjyI/AAAAAAAAAjc/FWMzHHuJM0U/s320/baristaanj.jpeg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is what a barista-mode-Anj looks like.</td></tr>
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Aaaand that does it for now folks! I shall leave you all with my song of the moment. </div>
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God bless you all. I hope you have a wonderful day/week/month ahead of you. Always always remember to enjoy every minute of it. Yes, even weekdays and chores and other obligations. ;) They're all blessings you know, even if not in the most obvious of ways.</div>
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<span style="color: #4c1130;"><i>"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails" </i><b>Proverbs 19:21</b></span></div>
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Anjhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10026705329912035151noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1224690829332159120.post-59349748772749741872013-03-30T21:28:00.000-07:002013-04-21T19:04:18.456-07:00Here in the power of Christ I'll stand<div style="text-align: justify;">
This post is a week and some change late as I had intended to post on my genuine cancerversary (March 20th). However, life and my unrelenting will to procrastinate interfered with that happening. Haha </div>
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A fair amount has occurred since my last post! I've had a couple more breast revisions; one not so successful and the other one quite successful. THANK YOU GOD! </div>
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It'd been a nightmare how the revise would look great until after my sutures were removed. Then after showering, I'd spring a leak. So the last time it was done, we thought a new direction would be best. So he removed some saline from my expander and then patched me back up with only internal sutures that would dissolve. </div>
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I got the final okay after another long 11 days, and then I was able to go back to see my radiation oncologist and got the okay to continue treatment finally after my 2+ month hiatus. Got rescanned and all that good stuff. Then I had to wait to get the phone call for my dry run to finalize my reformed treatment plan. Got that call yesterday afternoon. Looks like Monday I'll be doing that. Hopefully that means I'll be back to a regular treatment plan starting Tuesday!</div>
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In other new news is that Jason got a job promotion, which is fantastic and with such perfect timing! We can really seriously use the extra income what with all the medical bills we still need to pay. I'm so ridiculously proud of him!! :D Way to go, beeyah!</div>
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Jason and I also made the commitment recently to sign up for the Susan G. Komen 3-Day in San Diego! I cannot wait. It'll be a great experience and a fabulous reason to need to get in good shape. I mean seriously, walking 20 miles each day for 3 days in a row? That's pretty brutal! I'm pumped about it. Truthfully, I'm more concerned about the fundraising aspect of this commitment. </div>
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If any of you reading this are able to donate even just $1, I'd be extremely grateful. It might not seem like much but it all adds up. And the donations received will go towards further research in finding a cure and helping women/men with getting proper testing and treatment.</div>
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If you'd like to donate to our team, <a href="http://www.the3day.org/site/TR/2013/SanDiegoEvent2013?team_id=225805&pg=team&fr_id=1818" target="_blank">CLICK HERE</a>. ;)</div>
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So beyond the good cause and all that, this is a challenge I feel I want... no, I NEED to conquer. Nothing to me says "eff you" to cancer more than walking in support of a cause to end it as a survivor. It's like, HEY CANCER! I pwned you and now I fully intend on pwning yo mama too. Haha.</div>
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Our team, by the way, earned its namesake by way of honoring my lonely scarred Barbie-boob. We are... </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Please please pleeeease consider <a href="http://www.the3day.org/site/TR/2013/SanDiegoEvent2013?team_id=225805&pg=team&fr_id=1818" target="_blank">donating to our team</a>.</td></tr>
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Yep! Originally we were going to be Team Frankenbooby, but I found that to be way too typical. We had to geek it up. Since it's sort of a quest and all, and happily not to a mountain of doom (although we are trying to save people fighting for their lives against their own mountains of doom!). lol</div>
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Back to the hot topic, my cancerversary! </div>
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It's hard to swallow that it's already been <a href="http://pwningcancer.blogspot.com/2012/03/life-is-slightly-different-shade-since.html" target="_blank">a year since I was given that dreadful, life changing news</a>. Even though you're reassured you'll make it through and that it's not a death sentence, I find it miraculous to be here a year later. And I didn't expect to be blessed enough to say I was cancer-free by this point yet either. In fact, I've technically <i>been</i> cancer-free for 6 months. </div>
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Now that's just madness! My gratitude never diminishes. Some days I feel it more intensely than others, but it's always there. This is the Lord's work. It was through His love and healing that I am here. I will never forget or take that for granted. If anything, I'm still troubled by what I'm meant to do with this extension on living I was given. For now, I'll keep on praying until I am enlightened on how I can better serve Him in this world. If I'm meant to be here, I want to make the most of it after all. ^_^</div>
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Which is another thing often on my mind. I want to experience like. ALL THE THINGS. Hahaha! No, I mean, I want to live life to the fullest and then have enough left over for a whole other cup full of living. Don't worry dear readers. Nothing too cray cray. I just want to have many lovely times ahead of me. When I have gone and left this earth, I want everyone who loved me to have lots of memories of me to think of and smile about. </div>
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That said, I already have several tattoos I know I'll be getting as soon as I'm able. One will be a cross and/or some scripture. Another will be a pink ribbon. Lastly, I finally have it in my head what I'd like to have tattooed over my right breast once I'm all done with radiation.</div>
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Everybody who knows me is well aware of how much I adore Disney stuffs. I'm also a big big fan of Alice in Wonderland in pretty much any form. I love the book, the Disney movie, video games based on it, etc. So I had the idea that I wanted some floral design covering part of that breast and have it extend down my right side a bit. Weeell, that is what I want, but it's going to be the flowers comprising the Disney's "<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NyvMbXdxmSg" target="_blank">Golden Afternoon</a>" scene from the film. </div>
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It's geeky, I know. But I think it's perfect for me. Besides, I totally want a bread and butterfly to accompany said flowers!</div>
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That does it for now, e'rybody! May you all have a beautiful and blessed Easter. The Father gave His only son so we could live in His love and be free of sin. So enjoy the gift of life and create many reasons to smile this weekend. :)</div>
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Anjhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10026705329912035151noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1224690829332159120.post-38900587814512505872013-02-28T20:09:00.000-08:002013-02-28T20:09:37.216-08:00But that doesn't mean that I wasn't brave<div style="text-align: justify;">
Ah, hello again dear blog! Is it really time for our monthly rendezvous already? ;)</div>
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Since our last meeting, I have had a root canal, two more breast revisions and all four of my wisdom teeth removed (which I got dry socket from a traumatic extraction on my bottom left). So my oh my oh my. As you can tell, the <i>fun</i> never ends in the land of Anj! Haha.</div>
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In the midst of all this back and forth with my cosmetic surgeon and dentist, I also saw my oncologist. He had pegged me to be finished with radiation by the time my appointment had rolled around. He was a bit surprised.</div>
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Thankfully my visit with him had more to do with discussing my eventual start on hormone therapy (Tamoxifen) for the next 5 years. I can't say I'm thrilled about the prospect. To be frank, I'm pretty freaking terrified of it. My body has been through SO much and I've willingly done every treatment possible to prevent the C from returning... I have no plans to have a baby anytime soon either. I just don't get it. </div>
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Oh gosh, I realize it's all for the purpose of being preventative about prevention for preventing this from making a come back. I do, but it's got some wickedly scary side effects. Increased risks of endometrial cancer and thromboembolism are enough on their own to spook me. PLUS, the SSRI I've been taking to control my panic disorder for the past half a decade, is incompatible with it.</div>
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You reach the point where you look at the risks and simply say, "eff it". My body has already seen most of the worst it can have thrown at it to take care of this. Might as well finish out my outlined treatment plan. I gotta remember to trust God. It's all been in His hands anyway.</div>
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And speaking of, I suppose I should explain why I needed two more revisions to my breast since I last updated. Same damn issue each time. That weird random leaking occurred. So my radiation has been on hold ALL this time. I don't even get my stitches out again until next Monday. Praying so hard this will be the last revision that will be have been needed. I want to get this show back on the road!</div>
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So I've talked about my suffering body self image since my surgery, and I think it's finally time I found a therapist so I can discuss it along with everything else I've been through. You comprehend how heavy it all is as you're going through it, but you don't prepare yourself for the aftermath. I don't really see how one could either. </div>
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I simply keep on trying to do the best I can with all the heaviness I have weighing on my heart. </div>
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Oh, and bringing up the subject of doing the best I can... argh, this mop of curly hair I've got! Haha. Not everyone has their hair regrow as curly after chemo, so WHY me?! It frustrates me so! >_<</div>
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And all I hear is that I'm stuck with this new texture for at least 2 years. Maybe forever. Ah well, I shouldn't whine too horribly much. It is a vast improvement over no hair at all. Lol, it is tough though as I have no clue how to manage it. If you Google anything about "chemo curls", there's so little information too. I thought surely some other woman has put some tutorial or recommendation up on how to cope with it. No such luck!</div>
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I'll have to share my knowledge as I deal with it I suppose, so there can be something for some other poor unfortunate soul who will walk down this path and search for the same thing. </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Note the headband to hold back the chemo-fro with an attempt to make it look girly/fashionable.</td></tr>
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I haven't decided whether to let it grow from here on out or if I want to let it grow a bit more and then get a neato haircut. Probably the latter. I'm not yet ready to grow my hair out and face the dreadful mullet that comes with growing out short short hair. Been there. Done that. Not looking forward to going there again. :P </div>
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I was going to share a few photos to prove it, but after looking through them? Uhh, yeah, I'd really rather not. Haha</div>
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Other than visiting a doctor of some kind or another, just been busy with work and running other errands as needed for Jason and I. The fatigue persists, but I didn't expect that to disappear any time soon.</div>
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As cruddy as things look to me at times as I delve a little further into my survivorship, I remind myself that I am damn blessed to be here. My 1 year diagnosis anniversary is coming up this next month. Hard to believe that so much has happened in only a year. Frightening to think of where I'd be by this point if I hadn't caught it. Would I even be around?</div>
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So, I say it yet again, THANK YOU GOD! For better or worse, I'm happy to be alive. Life is not the same since. It won't and it can't be, but I'm glad to accept it with an open mind and heart. This is my path and I will tread on to wherever it may take me. </div>
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Appreciate you all reading. God bless and I hope you have a wonderful month of March ahead of you!</div>
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<span style="color: #4c1130;"><i>"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" </i><b>2 Corinthians 5:17</b><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<br />Anjhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10026705329912035151noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1224690829332159120.post-11290613507950818062013-01-22T17:34:00.000-08:002013-01-22T17:37:52.144-08:00Never ask why<div style="text-align: justify;">
Hey all! So I'm a little late, but Happy 2013!! Let's all make it a good one. Mine surely has to be an improvement over 2012. ;)<br />
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It's been a bit over a month since my last post and I figured it was time I give an update. Lord knows I'd been meaning to, but time has a way of getting away from me.</div>
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I began radiation on December 27th. All went well for the first week or two. Granted there happened to be technical difficulties on the radiation machines' behalf that meant I was unable to be treated a couple of days. On the 8th treatment is when I began having some issues. </div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">DISCLAIMER: This is pretty disgusting so please <b>do not</b> read the next 3-ish paragraphs if you get squeamish!</span></div>
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Ahem, that being said... </div>
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Radiotherapy is relatively painless. It has a list of side effects that may happen to your skin and I have been lucky to miss out on most of them so far. What it did cause me was some intense skin dryness on the treated area (my right breast specifically). Now, seeing as I am without a nipple on that side, and in its stead have a Sally-like scar where they had dispatched the dead skin where the nipple once lived, the skin became very taut along there. </div>
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As I have learned over the past year, my body has this weird way of spitting out "dissolvable" stitches. Particularly little knots. Nasty, I know. I found this out from my port-a-cath placement procedure. Then it happened with the spots where I had been stitched up after my drains leftover from my bilateral mastectomy were removed. Lastly, it happened with my freshest stitch-up. After starting rads, my skin shrinkage came on quickly. This allowed for the leftover stitches to poke their way through my skin easier.</div>
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When they came out, I was left with small openings where they had been. I just figured time would heal it over and continued my treatment. Then one day after getting out of the shower, one of these openings began leaking fluid. -_- BLEH, right? So so so gross. I told my doc about it asap, she wanted to keep watch of it but didn't think it too serious. </div>
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It stopped after a day. I was good for a week, and then it started up again. This time it wasn't stopping. So this meant an immediate halt to my rads. Had to set up to see my plastic surgeon to have him look it over. He then thought to remove some more saline from my right expander. He suspected it was sera serum coming from inflammation to the breast tissue from radiation. They took a culture and sent it to be checked just in case however. </div>
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Not long after the saline was taken out, the leaking quit again. Saw Dr. Young again, had her give the okay for me to resume treatment. Then I had to get the CT done again as guess what? The saline removal from my expander meant I'd had change in my breast. Yeah, so I had to have my treatment plan revamped. </div>
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Arghhh! </div>
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Haha, well I'm sure there was a good reason for this all to have happened the way it did. Good news is I'm back on track. Yesterday and today I got to go get treated as normal. </div>
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I thought I was tired after settling back into working, and it's nothing compared to how I feel now. I almost cannot function in the early evening unless I take an hour nap at some point during the day. I guess my routine is reason enough to feel tired. Monday through Friday, I usually open at work. I get up at 3AM and start work at 4AM. Work between 4-6 hours, and then either go home and hang for a bit before going to radiation or go straight to it from work. </div>
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So I spend probably something like an hour and a half to two hours just on driving to and from the places I need to be. That may not seem a lot, especially to those of you who commute daily, but for someone 3 months out from intense surgery, chemotherapy and currently undergoing radiotherapy, it's exhausting. Lol! As I spoke of before, my body still doesn't behave the way it did prior to all this. </div>
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Small price to pay for an extension on my lifetime. :)</div>
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I've been trying to research ways to conquer the fatigue. Regular exercise is a common solution. So Jason and I are beginning kickboxing lessons together starting, hopefully, next week! I'm really excited about it. I'm praying it will help. </div>
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That's all my cancer related news for now! Other than going to appointments and treatment I've just been working. I can't tell you how pleasant it is to return to living world. I enjoy having minor dramas and concerns to deal with again. Haha. </div>
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And speaking of work, tomorrow will make it a year that I started at Starbucks. So crazy. </div>
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All I will say is that God works in mysterious ways. </div>
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Next Monday is the hubby's birthday, and this weekend we're going to celebrate. Going to see Ben Folds Five play in Los Angeles, spend the night out there and then hopefully do something neato in the area before we head home. I'm definitely looking forward to it! Birthdays are so special and I think I might even value them of the ones I love more than they do at this point. Lol, I'm grateful to be here to celebrate it with him is all. </div>
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Ahh, and of course our adorably precious Princess Chinsuela keeps me entertained with her antics too. That sweet little creature. I love her to pieces. I've taught her to highfive. Mhm, you heard me! </div>
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Proof: </div>
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My sincerest thanks again to all who have asked about/prayed for/thought of me lately. I know I did a bit of a disappearing act. Normal-ish life does that to a person! And man oh man am I ever happy that's the reason why I haven't posted as of late!<br />
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Anyway, I hope you all have a lovely week and weekend to follow. I also hope you can spend it enjoying time with people (and critters) you love. ^_^<br />
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God bless. <br />
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<i><span style="color: #4c1130;"> "For we walk by faith, not by sight" </span></i><b><span style="color: #4c1130;">2 Corinthians 5:7</span></b></div>
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<br />Anjhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10026705329912035151noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1224690829332159120.post-60881229624007898022012-12-17T15:56:00.000-08:002012-12-17T17:15:39.213-08:00Will you love me, even with my dark side?<div style="text-align: justify;">
Struggling. That word alone sums up just about everything I'm feeling right now. </div>
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I have been really sick with a wicked sinus infection since last Thursday. I've been on antibiotics since Friday afternoon (I went to urgent care immediately after work). I feel slightly better, but if my body was behaving "normally", I'd already have bounced back. </div>
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I guess my immune system still isn't what it used to be. I called in sick today hoping this extra day would help me heal up so I can get back to work tomorrow. I'm really frustrated because I <i>need</i> to be working. I can't afford to miss work. Literally. </div>
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Financially for us, it's been a trying month. So much so, I don't think we'll be able to do Christmas gifts for anyone. Not for each other, and not even for our sweet nieces and nephews. Breaks my heart that we can't. :(</div>
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My body, even while I'm not fighting a sinus infection, is not the same. I become so exhausted by work. I thought it was an initial sort of thing and once I got back in the swing it would disappear. Not so. I'm so drained by the end of my day. As you can all imagine, that's an annoyance as well. </div>
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I have also been having a lot of self image issues lately. Nobody would know it because I hate to admit weakness about what I feel should be a superfluous topic. But I am, and I have been. I try to make the best of what I have, but when I strip down and change, I see how mangled my body has become in less than a year. And I know It won't ever be the same. </div>
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Now I realize that I would not even be here had it not been for the trauma my body has been through. I'm not completely foolish. I just have my moments where I need to mourn the loss of how I was physically. I am a 27 year old woman after all. What woman in her 20s expects to lose both her breasts, a nipple and then be marred with scars? </div>
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I most certainly didn't. And I feel about as far from attractive or pretty as possible largely in thanks due to it. </div>
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In the wake of the tragedy that happened at Sandy Hook Elementary on December 14th, another thought has been swimming in my head; that of survivor guilt. As ridiculous and insane and unrelated as that sounds, it's true. I have overwhelming guilt that I, someone who would not be alive at this moment without medical treatment, am alive and these sweet innocent children were taken. What makes me so special that I am permitted more time on Earth while these babies were not?</div>
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It's not secluded to that incident. It's a common feeling since officially obtaining survivor status. Such a maddening thing really. If I could do something to give back and truly make a difference with my existence then maybe I wouldn't feel this way so strongly. </div>
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Until then, I'm sure I will continue to. I trust that God has a plan, it's just tricky to be patient in order for it to be revealed.</div>
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I'm hoping and praying with all my heart that 2013 will bring a much happier year. That I will be able to resolve some of these issues I've been silently internalizing. I want change. It is often seen as a frightening thing, but I need some change. So I hope that it will also bring us change, and we will be better for it. </div>
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Radiation will be starting very soon. I still believe it won't begin until after the holidays. But I went for my second prep appointment last week. I now have about 5 or 6 of those little pin dot tattoos. I need to get blood work done for them too, but that's really the only news I have regarding my treatment currently. </div>
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My thanks to any and every one who actually reads through this post. It seems silly for me to complain when I have been given so much, however, we all need to vent sometimes. </div>
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God bless you all.</div>
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<span style="color: #4c1130;"><i>"In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight" </i><b>Proverbs 3:6 </b></span></div>
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<br />Anjhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10026705329912035151noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1224690829332159120.post-43826148539328709512012-12-10T15:14:00.000-08:002012-12-10T15:14:28.471-08:00Life is way too short to take it slow<div style="text-align: justify;">
Has it really been nearly a month since my last post? Incredible how quickly time flies when you're on the go (and not sitting on your butt at home while recovering from surgery!). </div>
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Before I get into everything else, I absolutely have to mention my SIL Marylou and friend Denise doing the Susan G. Komen 3-Day for the Cure. They were Team Anj, and raised their minimum and then some! For those unaware, the 3-Day is a commitment to raise at least $2300 prior to walking, and then when the time comes, walking 60 miles. It's a beautiful thing. Such great passion and love goes into simply making the commitment to do all that. </div>
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I had the pleasure of being there for the closing ceremonies to cheer on all these wonderful men and women on, but specifically to cheer on and show my appreciation to Marylou and Denise. I was in tears during the closing ceremony. It was truly beautiful. I felt honored to be there and have walkers that were walking because of me. </div>
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Jason and I were beyond inspired by the event, and Lord willing, intend to do the San Diego 3-Day together in 2013. Since it's not until November, I think I have a pretty damn good chance to be 100% done with everything by then.</div>
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More on that as it develops, folks! </div>
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And now on with the rest! </div>
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I have been back to work since November 19th. It's been ridiculously nice to have some normalcy returned to me. While my perspective will never be the same on life, it feels amazing to return to work. It keeps my mind busy so I don't feel stuck dwelling on my survivorship, worries, etc. etc. </div>
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Plus, my co-workers are such wonderful people! I missed them tons! Upon my first day back, I was greeted excitedly and with these -- </div>
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And here I was worried that I would be thought of as a burden. Instead, my return was very warmly received. So thank you my Sbux peoples! You have no idea how much I needed that welcome, and how much it meant to receive it. </div>
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I have been to several more doctor appointments. Surprise surpise! Haha. Most of them were with Dr. Mowlavi. Saw him to get my stitches from my right side removed. Returned again to get my right side filled up again. I got to be even chested for a while! Hooray! But then I went to see Dr. Young, my radiation oncologist, thinking I was getting my simulation scan done. She determined my left side was too full and needed some saline removed before I could get it done. Sigh! </div>
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So back to Mowlavi I went. Got some saline taken out, and now I am back to my lopsidedness. Ho hum. I will just say this... not exactly a self esteem booster to have expanders in your chest anyway, but stretch out that skin and then remove some of the stuffing? Yeah. It looks way worse. Ah well though, I know it's necessary to get the best radiation treatment I can. </div>
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Last Thursday I finally had my CT simulation in prep for my radiation. I got my first 2 tattoos now too! Haha. It looks exactly like someone took a pen and dotted me with it. Although my rads tech asked me, before tattooing me, whether I'd prefer a butterfly or a star. I told him I'd like a Mickey Mouse head if I got to choose. Lol ;3</div>
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And now? Oh now I wait. They say they'll call me to set up my next one. I'd be surprised if I end up starting radiation treatment before the holidays honestly. Which is fine. Of course I'm always eager to get the ball rolling, but you're hostage to doctors' schedules. And now I have my own schedule I must take into consideration with appointments too. </div>
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Before my return to work, I had to figure out what to do with my hair. The pink had mostly melted away and I was left with a pink hued yellow blonde. It needed covering. So I thought what better time to try a different color! I took the opportunity to go with a red. :D I wasn't sure how I felt about it, but with all the compliments I've received... I may have to stick with it for a while! </div>
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But to be an Anj is to never stay the same for too horribly long. I'm sort of a hair-chameleon in that way!</div>
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The hubby and I got to go out last Friday night for the first time in quite some time. It was for his work's Christmas party, and formal attire was required. Anyone who knows me knows I love a good reason to dress up. I even love a less-than-good reason to dress up! ;) <br /><br />
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It was a lot of fun, and I had the opportunity to meet a lot of great people I had been hearing of for a year plus and never met. Jason and I are blessed. We both work with some seriously lovely human beings. </div>
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I wasn't scheduled to work the next day, but my buddy Carly lost her dad last week and they needed someone to help cover for her. I did the second half of her shift Saturday. That morning as I got ready, I put my cell phone in my back pocket as the pockets are too small to fit my phone in the front ones. I had to piddle before leaving, and as I was about to sit down, my iPhone slipped out and fell into the toilet. </div>
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Mortified, I immediately stuck my hand in the potty water to retrieve it. Swearing like a sailor, I knew it was royally effed. I woke up Jason and told him what had happened. He assured me we'd get it fixed or replaced and told me to worry about getting to work. I went back to finish getting ready. </div>
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I said a simple prayer asking to be able to relax and not allow it to ruin my day. Guess what? After that, I felt better and was able to get through my shift. When I got back, Jason had already gone to the Apple store and managed to get me a new phone to replace my old one at NO cost to us. Praise God. I was biting my nails thinking of how much they'd charge us to replace it. </div>
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Another mini miracle. :) I'm grateful for it too! We have been struggling with the financial side of things since we're trying to get back on our feet with working regularly. Doesn't help when the hospital bills are unending.</div>
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In case I don't get a chance to post again until after the holidays, then I want to wish you all a blessed and joyous Christmas! </div>
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And if I do write again before then... well, disregard that until I say it again! Lol. </div>
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God bless you all! </div>
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<span style="color: #4c1130;"><i>"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds"</i> <b>James 1:2</b></span></blockquote>
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Anjhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10026705329912035151noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1224690829332159120.post-9865207774866302392012-11-13T20:23:00.003-08:002012-11-13T20:25:11.659-08:00Bubblegum bitch<div style="text-align: justify;">
We have been kept busy over the past week-ish or so!</div>
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I met with a radiation oncologist, got my hair dyed pink, attended the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure in San Diego for the first time and had 2 check up appointments. Oh, and the hubby and I got a pet chinchilla last Thursday! ;)</div>
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Radiation oncologist filled me in on what treatment will be like. I will start after Thanksgiving, and will be going for treatment Monday through Friday for 7 weeks. Before I'm set up to begin that, I will go in for a couple of pre-treatment appointments. They'll do a CT scan on me in house to "map out" where they'll be treating me precisely. Then I'll receive markings where they'll focus the radiation. It will be a couple of permanent pin dot sized tattoos, so they'll always know where I received radiation treatment. </div>
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I have been told by everyone I've spoken to that in comparison to the other treatment and recovery I've had, this should be cake. So I've spoken with my boss, and am returning to work next Monday. ^_^ I may have some restrictions on what I'll be able to lift and do physically, but I know I could certainly do most of my regular tasks without an issue.</div>
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But I won't know until I try. :)</div>
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And I am looking forward to seeing my Sbux family. It's been way too long!</div>
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Dangerous thing regarding my return? Those damn seasonal drinks, specifically the caramel brulee latte. Yum. Thing I keep forgetting? When you have regular access to said beverages, you tend to over indulge and get tired of it quickly. So hopefully that will happen, and happen fast! Last thing I need is to gain more poundage, hahaha. I already need to lose a few!</div>
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Back on the topic of rads... the wait is due to needing me fully healed from my surgery, and now my fresher procedure on my right.</div>
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I'm happy to report that it is all healing nicely. The swelling finally dissipated. I have been able to lay off the medication to help lessen my muscle spasms. My chest is still uncomfortable and tight at times, but I'm coping much better.</div>
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On November 2nd, Violet (my wonderful mommy-in-law) took me out and treated me to getting my hair dyed pink for our then fast approaching walk! My hair was just dark enough to require bleaching. The bleach worked perfectly, but the pink dye? I had been hoping for a bubblegum pink versus a hot pink. So the lovely hairstylist Kelly mixed up the absolute perfect color. Let me sit with it. </div>
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The verdict? Well, my tips took it nicely... my roots? Yeah, not so much. Chemo regrowth can be super stubborn apparently. She had to put a darker pink on just hoping it would take. It did take, but it was sort of orangey still. Ah well! Still looked plenty pink to me! It actually looked perfect with some product in it. </div>
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Violet even got me some hair styling products while we were there so I could better maintain my freaky chemo fro. Hahaha. It helps in taming it so that it looks cuter. </div>
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So, we had planned way back in April of this year that we'd be doing the San Diego Race for the Cure on November 4th. To say I was determined to attend would be a huge understatement. I feel guilty to have had to do it, but I was seated in a wheelchair for most of the walk. I had to swallow my pride, because I was still really swollen and uncomfortable. Bummed I had to do it that way, but it allowed me to be there. And for that, I am so grateful. </div>
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It was such a beautifully touching and heartwarming experience to attend. To attend as a survivor, and be able to participate in the survivor celebration ceremony? I don't know if I have ever felt such a mix of pride and modesty all rolled in to one.</div>
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Not only by the ceremony, but to be surrounded by so many people I love so deeply. To know that they care and were willing to walk alongside me. God bless each and every one of you who walked with me that day, and made up Team Pwn Cancer! I love you guys. It was easily one of the best days of my life (right after my wedding day). </div>
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Jason, bless his heart, pushed me in that wheelchair for at least 3ish miles that day. We took a cab from the hotel we stayed at to where we thought was close to the starting line. Yeah, it wasn't all that close. So he pushed me starting from there. Poor hubby! lol.</div>
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The walk was 3.1 miles on its own. My dear dear friend Shalysa took over once Jason was exhausted. I should mention that it just <i>had</i> to be at least 85 degrees that day. She pushed me until we reached this crazy gnarly hill. Then I refused to let anyone try and push my butt up that thing. I got out of my chair, and slowly trudged up that beast until we reached the finish line. </div>
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I'm one stubborn bitch. I was later scolded at my follow up appointment with Dr. Mowlavi about having walked any of that race. I wasn't supposed to do much physical activity for 3 weeks. Oopsie! I had committed to being at that walk, and especially to finishing it as a survivor. I'm proud to have accomplished both. </div>
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None of it would have been possible without all the love I am and have been surrounded with. The Lord, Jason, my family, my friends, my doctors/nurses, and even that of many kind strangers. It's appalling how many people have heard my story and been touched by it in one way or another. And even enough so as to even say a single prayer for me. It's no wonder to me that I am where I am now. </div>
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The power of prayer and love are unstoppable. <3</div>
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Ah yes, and next year when we will inevitably walk again - we already have a name picked out! Team Frankenbooby 2013, for the win!!! </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Team Pwn Cancer (minus my brother Sean, SIL Lindsay, niece Sydney & neph Austin) after the race!</td></tr>
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So, lastly, the husband and I now have our own little furbaby! Prior to my surgery, Jason and I would regularly visit our local PetSmart to get filters for our little 5 gallon aquarium. We have a single golden dojo loach in it. When we'd go, we'd always look at the other animals. Specifically the kitties because well, I adore kitties with every fiber of my being! And I also sorely miss my cat Johnny; when we moved, we had to leave him with my parents because we simply had no room for his litter box anywhere in our tiny apartment. </div>
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Anyway... a week or so before s-day, we went to the PetSmart a little further from our place. They had a couple of chinchillas available. I LOVE chinchillas. I've wanted one for well over a decade. Jason teased me when I'd talk about it, until he saw how adorable these critters are. He fell in love! </div>
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We decided it would not be a good time to get one until after we were back home, etc. Well, the time wound up being right last Thursday! We got our chinchilla. She's a female and fairly young. Total sweetheart. I think it will be a very therapeutic thing for us to have another little creature to care for. </div>
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More love in your life is never a bad thing is it? :D Even if it is for a small rodent!</div>
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P.S. If you don't get our chin's name... then check this out -- </div>
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Have a grand week all! God bless. </div>
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<span style="color: #4c1130;"><i>“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your
God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my
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<br />Anjhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10026705329912035151noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1224690829332159120.post-75519284182681888052012-10-31T00:07:00.001-07:002012-10-31T00:09:12.858-07:00The complicated reality<div style="text-align: justify;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-2dRORjWiWuI/UJDL_DvcuAI/AAAAAAAAAbA/o6TfM43qreY/s1600/barbieboobs.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-2dRORjWiWuI/UJDL_DvcuAI/AAAAAAAAAbA/o6TfM43qreY/s1600/barbieboobs.jpg" /></a>Yesterday was the day to see if my right nipple had made it or not. It is with a tinge of sadness that I say it didn't. Deep down I knew. It almost makes me angry with myself for not just telling them to spare only my left one during my mastectomy. But they thought they'd be able to save it...</div>
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God said no is all. And that's just fine. Seeing as I wouldn't be able to breast feed should we have kids down the line anyway, it was purely for aesthetics. Plus I have plenty of options. The first thing they tell me to try and cheer me up is that they can make me one with skin grafting taken from my thigh.</div>
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Maybe I'm weird, but I prefer to leave my Barbie-style franken as is. </div>
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It's a reminder of everything I have been through. I have heard and read other women speaking about how much breast cancer is glossed over with pink ribbons and all the stories of survivorship. Which is all wonderful and I embrace it wholeheartedly, but to me, the scars and my nipple-less breast? <a href="http://www.thescarproject.org/" target="_blank">This is reality. This is what it's REALLY like.</a></div>
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It's not an incident that I can play pretend at as though it never occurred. I don't want them to fix me up like I'm some broken doll. I'm not broken. I'm simply different now and I'm stronger for it. </div>
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Getting back to what all went down on Monday... </div>
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I was taken back to the room where they'd do my revision before Mowlavi even looked at me. The solution helped out very well on my left side. Looks almost as it did pre-surgery. The right? I apologize to anybody with a weak constitution, but it had turned black, flat and dried out. Almost like the thickest scab you can imagine. Not just the nipple, but the areola below it and a lot of surrounding area. At least a couple inches of the skin on my breast had flat out died. Sorry sorry... it was really disgusting. :\</div>
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They warn you of complications prior to surgery of course, but just like thinking you're impervious to getting a disease like cancer in the first place, you don't think it will happen to you. </div>
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I'm here to say it did, and there isn't a whole lot of information to find about it online either. Breast or nipple necrosis after surgery for breast cancer are not exactly a hot subject. Can't imagine why not. ;) Hahaha.</div>
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My revision was to remove 200cc of my saline from my right expander, and to have the dead skin cut out. Jason sat in the room as they did it and I'm so grateful he did, but I wish he hadn't watched it. I never once took my gaze off the ceiling or light above me. </div>
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They numb you up really well before doing this, but you still feel the tugging and everything. Oh, and nothing like being aware as you smell your own skin a sizzlin' from cauterization. Lol! This post is full of appetite prevention. </div>
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Magically, and by God's grace, he removed all the yucky skin and sewed me back up. Says I'll be able to shower regularly by Thursday, and that he can refill it in 2 weeks. </div>
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My new scar will be more like the traditional straight line across the middle of my breast. And besides my little in office procedure, I had my drains removed! YAY! Unpleasant bit to that? My left side was not nearly as numb so when he took out the drains on that side, it hurt. Oh. And then I could feel him stitching me. </div>
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But seriously, compared to other things I've endured, that was pretty mild. I napped for a couple hours once we got back home that day. I didn't feel much pain yet.</div>
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Today I was exhausted and have a fair amount of pain again. Such a bummer considering I had been doing really well and was about back to normal before this incident. Oddly enough, the pain is not so much on my chest as it is down my right arm. My dutifully awesome hubby called to make sure this was normal. They said it was, and that it was like deferred pain. </div>
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Whatever it is, it sucks! I pray it goes away sooner rather than later.</div>
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Well, that's all my excitement for now. I accept the Lord's will with all this and I shall continue to trust him. He has a reason for everything. :)</div>
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God bless you all and have a great week!</div>
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<span style="color: #4c1130;"><i>"And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."</i> <b>Romans 5:5</b></span><br />
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<br />Anjhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10026705329912035151noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1224690829332159120.post-91397291048336746312012-10-26T00:55:00.001-07:002012-10-30T22:26:43.859-07:00Bai Bai Bewbiez!: ACT II<div style="text-align: center;">
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And now, I present the second act of Bai Bai Bewbiez!</div>
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<span style="color: #666666;"><b><span style="background-color: #ead1dc;">[[ HOSPITAL STAY DAY 1 | 10.11.2012 ]] -- </span></b></span></div>
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The greater part of this day was spent sleeping off and on. They brought me food for breakfast, but it was still the liquid diet. That suited me just fine as pumping my body with the pain meds (PCA-style) every 20 minutes had made my head very cloudy. I had also been dealing with bad indigestion and some nausea. Good times! </div>
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As my parents visited early, my mom helped try to feed me some jello. Lots of ice chips were also fed to me by way of alternating between hubby and my mom at my request. Simple water didn't sound so glamorous, nor did it sound like the best idea yet.</div>
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Besides my parents visiting, my brother Sean stopped by. It meant to a lot to me that he took the time out just to see me. :) I was still very groggy, but I knew I was happy to see them all!</div>
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Dr. Mowlavi popped in to check on me. Took off my bandages and put some sticky yellow gauze junk on them and wrapped me back up. He was trying to encourage me to be released that day... hah! I wasn't even close to ready. </div>
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I won't get into it, but it was the first time I realized what I assumed was some oddly hard, cast-like bandage the night before happened to be my new foobs.</div>
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I realize some of you may be unfamiliar with tissue expanders used in
breast reconstruction. Well, it's essentially a temporary implant. They
insert it under your pec muscles as I mentioned. It has a limit on how
much it may be filled, but is usually filled over time with saline. It
has a port, I assume is much like port-a-cath, in which they inject the
saline to fill them. </div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3yi9NswBSf0/UIo7S5QD-pI/AAAAAAAAAZU/KUd18RKg31M/s1600/tissue-expander-illustration.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="277" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3yi9NswBSf0/UIo7S5QD-pI/AAAAAAAAAZU/KUd18RKg31M/s320/tissue-expander-illustration.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Once
I have completed my radiation therapy and I have had enough fills to
reach my desired size, I will have another procedure to replace my
expanders with my permanent implants.</div>
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Another thing that came as a shock to me is that the expanders are HARD. Like, imagine slightly more pliable softballs shoved underneath your pectorals. I was not expecting to be filled when I awoke. And I definitely wasn't expecting to be filled so very much if I was going to be.</div>
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More on that later though... >_<;</div>
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I also found out I had 5 drains total. Two on the left and three on my right. I loathe them. That's all I will say. Ghastly pests they are. </div>
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On a happier note, although it was Dr. Kushner's day off, he also came in and checked on me. Again, PTL for this man. He ordered for my nurses to replace whatever pain medication was being dripped to morphine. I felt MUCH better and way less nauseous once that happened. </div>
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I still played it safe and stuck with liquid diet. I think I remember eating grape flavored popsicle? Haha... Still really out of it that day so my memory is a bit fuzzy on the details.</div>
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I was able to sleep better that night, which in turn meant better sleep for Jason too.</div>
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<span style="color: #666666;"><span style="background-color: #ead1dc;"><b>[[ HOSPITAL STAY DAY 2 | 10.12.2012 ]] -- </b></span></span></div>
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Woke up well rested. Yeah, the nurses still milled in every 4 hours or so to check on me, empty my drains and scan my wristband to give me any meds I needed... but it was a nice, boopless night of sleep. </div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-I3Uli6ERewE/UIo9hj2tu-I/AAAAAAAAAZs/viSAqzB9hMM/s1600/IMG_1226.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-I3Uli6ERewE/UIo9hj2tu-I/AAAAAAAAAZs/viSAqzB9hMM/s320/IMG_1226.JPG" width="240" /></a><br />
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I started to grow weary of being bedridden right about this time. I knew I was weak, but had no clue until I was encouraged to get up and sit in a chair while I ate my first solid breakfast. Seeing as I have never before stayed in a hospital, it wasn't until this moment that I understood how gross hospital food really is. Lol. I did put away some oatmeal though. :D</div>
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My parents once again paid us a visit in the morning. One nurse lady that visited me and gave me a handbook on healing from a mastectomy suggested some things that would be useful to have at home - a wedge pillow and toilet seat riser. The thoughtful and sweet parents they are, took flight in quest to get these items for me so I'd have them once I was discharged. My mom and dad are so amazing. :)</div>
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I rested for a while before we later had a warmly welcomed fresh batch of visitors. Violet and Andrew (mommy-in-law and pops-in-law) were first. Also such amazing people. I am ridiculously blessed in so many ways, and one of them is the sheer amount of people who love my geeky butt! </div>
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My bestie Shalysa made the trip out to visit me that day too. So sweet! I know she's busy and it meant very much to have her make the drive up just to check on me and say hi!</div>
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After they all took their leave, my nurse was encouraging me to get up and try
walking a bit. So on wobbly legs like a clumsy newborn calf, I got up
with great effort with assistance from Jason and my nurse. They each had one of my arms and helped wheel my IV pole as we slowly trudged along. I am proud to say that I made it all around the
nurses station on my first go!</div>
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Of course I was pooped after that. Lol, but I did it! </div>
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Now, those leg squeezy things that prevent blood clots from forming while you're stuck in bed, they are uncomfortable. After you've been wearing them for well over 24 hours, they chaff. I was insanely itchy. I had to keep them on while I wasn't walking, so they brought some baby powder.</div>
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This is another moment where my hubby left me feeling as though I was in the best care possible. He'd gently take off those cuffs and apply the powder. The way he'd do it were as if I were delicate and might have broken if he applied too much pressure. Love love love that man of mine. </div>
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Had more visitors in the evening. My parents returned and then we got the most beautiful news imaginable for any cancer patient; my surgeon received the results of my pathology report, which read there were no signs of malignancy. Meaning? SUCK IT CANCER! I PWNED YOU!!!</div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-AuLj-0gJOBI/UIo7JwQcZJI/AAAAAAAAAZM/NDCLwdnFDaA/s1600/heyc.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="195" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-AuLj-0gJOBI/UIo7JwQcZJI/AAAAAAAAAZM/NDCLwdnFDaA/s400/heyc.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Hahaha... okay, so more like, I pwned it along with an army of others' assistance! But you know what I mean! Without all the prayers, doctors, nurses, medication, family, friends, etc. it wouldn't have been possible. Here I am though, and I didn't think I would be saying I am cancer free this shortly after my surgery.</div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-tNpdV0qL3kA/UIpBMq1-0hI/AAAAAAAAAag/QUXAyR6zbPM/s1600/pathreport.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-tNpdV0qL3kA/UIpBMq1-0hI/AAAAAAAAAag/QUXAyR6zbPM/s320/pathreport.JPG" width="213" /></a></div>
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Nothing short of a miracle, honestly. And what a glorious testimony to the power of prayer. I'm well aware I have had hundreds of people, many of whom I've never even met, praying for my healing. It's all in the Lord's hand, but he has mercifully answered those prayers. I will never take a single day of my existence for granted.</div>
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God wants me here longer for some reason. I look forward to discovering what that reason is. ^_^</div>
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A little after we got the grand news, our friend Samara visited. Also so sweet of her! I was much much more coherent that day, but still worry I was perhaps not bouncing on all just yet. Some of my timing may be a bit jumbled. Sad to say. Haha. However, I remember feeling overjoyed and loved from the news and throughout all my visits!</div>
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<b><span style="color: #666666;"><span style="background-color: #ead1dc;">[[ HOSPITAL LEAVE | 10.13.2012 ]</span></span><span style="color: #666666;"><span style="background-color: #ead1dc;">]<span style="color: #444444;"> --</span></span></span></b><br />
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Woke up determined to leave this day... I did everything I could to get out of there. Got up and walked around as much as possible. Switched from using the PCA pain meds to strictly Percocet to control the pain.</div>
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My wish was granted, and in a short time, we were discharged. I had my IV removed and was able to get dressed. To say I remember much else that day after being put in a wheelchair and taken to the car would be a lie. My head was still plenty foggy. All I recall doing is crashing once home.</div>
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I do know that my parents were there and had bought me all the aforementioned goodies from the day before and a couple others, including a nice chair and a tray so I could eat in bed. </div>
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Jason lovingly made sure I was comfortable and settled in. Woke me up every time I was meant to take my pain medication to prevent me from waking up hurting.</div>
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So, I slept and then slept some more. :)</div>
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<span style="color: #666666;"><b><span style="background-color: #ead1dc;">[[ FIRST DAY HOME | 10.14.2012 ]] --</span></b></span></div>
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That morning my wonderful husband helped me get cleaned up for the first time since the surgery. Can't tell you how splendid even a sponge bath feels after being unable to be cleansed for days.</div>
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Violet, Andrew, Bre and our nephew Gavin came to visit us. It was uplifting to see them all, and I gave it my best to stay awake during their stay. I eventually had to give in and go take a rest. Earlier Jason and Bre went out shopping for a while. Did some grocery shopping and also got a small dining table for us.</div>
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Jason and I didn't own one before this because we normally sit on the floor in front of our coffee table and eat. Ghetto, I know, but it worked. Not really an option for me while I had trouble getting up and down. So all of them put the table together for us while I napped, and that allowed time for Jason to take it easy too.</div>
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Later they picked us up some yummy dinner from Wood Ranch BBQ. Of course I couldn't eat nearly as much as I would have had my appetite been back to normal, but it was awfully kind all the same!</div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-7OLWpFCNFvo/UIo-fodJcKI/AAAAAAAAAZ0/XS7E2nUTXvc/s1600/IMG_1246.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-7OLWpFCNFvo/UIo-fodJcKI/AAAAAAAAAZ0/XS7E2nUTXvc/s320/IMG_1246.JPG" width="240" /></a>Then my MIL and SIL washed my hair in the sink. It was the first time that had happened since s-day as well. That. Felt. Fantastic. Haha! You instantly feel more clean when your hair is, I swear.</div>
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<span style="color: #666666;"><span style="background-color: #ead1dc;"><b>[[ FROM THEN | 10.15.2012-TO NOW ]] --</b></span></span></div>
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That Monday the hubby and I spent time unwinding and adjusting to me being so debilitated. I rested and relaxed the day away. He babied me. :) </div>
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My brother Michael came by and visited us that Tuesday<b>. </b>I really enjoyed that he stopped by. I know how busy everybody gets, and his family just got home from a week long vacation, so I was grateful that he took the time to check on me. </div>
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Then at the 1 week marker from my surgery, we met up with Dr. Mowlavi to check on things. Again, just for a refresher, the exact procedure I had done was a bilateral nipple sparing mastectomy with right axillary node biopsy.</div>
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So, the question in matter had mostly to do with how my nipples would survive. Particularly my right nipple. Seeing as I had ductal carcinoma, where the tumor is inside and in my case had grown outside of the milk duct, they had to remove as much of that tissue as possible. This makes for much thinner skin left.</div>
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The day at the hospital when Mowlavi checked on me, my right side already looked a little worse for wear than my left. He put the magical medicated yellow gauze stuff though and let it be.</div>
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Anyway, we had a brief appointment. He looked me over and thought the left was in good shape. The right side was still an issue. He wanted to wait another week and then planned for a 'revision' in office if it didn't improve by the following appointment. We sent us with the yellow gauze stuff and directed us to swap it every day.</div>
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As that first week wore on, I slowly felt like I was regaining my strength but also found myself in more and more pain. Um, to the point of tears kind of discomfort. My chest was so tight it made my breathing feel restricted and it just plain hurt. Throbbing type of hurt. I wasn't able to get the rest I required to recuperate because I couldn't sleep through the night thanks to it.</div>
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I had been taking my pain meds on time and still didn't find relief. I thought maybe it had moved on to being caused by inflammation. So, we stopped the Percocet and started Ibuprofen. Yeah. Not so helpful either.</div>
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So God bless my babeh; he stepped up and did everything he could to expedite me to finding some relief. He called Kushner and talked with him. He recommended getting back on the Percocet for the time being and made time for me to see him the following morning.</div>
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At that appointment he checked me over. He was suspicious my expanders were over filled. I had been too. He called Mowlavi to plead with him to remove some of the saline, and he said he would but was reluctant to do so. Instead, he suggested prescribing some Valium for me. I always thought this was a drug used for anxiety, but apparently it's helpful with muscle spasms too!</div>
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To rule out anything else, such as pulmonary embolism, they sent me to the hospital to get a CT done on my chest. Christ had it all under control as usual and I had no signs of a blood clot formed or forming inside my lungs.</div>
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The culprit for my agony? Muscle spasms.</div>
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All that for such a simple answer!</div>
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Happy part is the Valium has helped alleviate much of my discomfort. My chest still feels tight, and at the end of the night, my ribs feel a bit sore beneath my "breasts". Overall I'm a lot better.</div>
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Now, yesterday we went to see Mowlavi again. I was awful nervous when he had us sent back to a room I'd never seen. It wasn't an exam room. It had a weird chair, and then I was put in a room and asked to lie down. He hadn't even seen my poor right nip and was getting ready to do a revision.</div>
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He decided to let it go another week, but I was given a prescription and homework. We've got this new solution we have to put on each nipple daily. Its job? To remove the excess icky skin. Yuck. And I can't sugar coat it. My right nipple looks gnarly. Real gnarly. Like, I'm concerned it may not be able to be saved type of gnarly.</div>
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I'm of course preparing myself for the worse, but as always, hoping for the best.</div>
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Today was the first day we applied this stuff, so we'll see how this goes.</div>
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Ah, I should also mention that I still have all 5 of my udders in place! Haha. Those drains are pesky indeed. There's no possible way you can stroll in a public place and not have people either thinking you're pregnant with some weird creature or have an odd way of storing belly fat.</div>
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I try to hide behind sweatshirts, but it has trouble hiding FIVE of these suckers.</div>
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This coming Monday they say I'll be able to get them removed. HUZZAH I SAY! So silly, but I know I'll feel much better once I don't have to lug these things around. Makes you feel like a gigantic octopus monster.</div>
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The other thing we'll find out is whether my nipple revision(s) will be simple or not. Praying they will be and this medicated solution helps.</div>
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I am getting stronger everyday. We went to see my oncologist for follow up on everything. He was thrilled with my pathology reports. He told us what we basically already knew. The plan is to put me on Tamoxifen after rads are finished. Ho hum.</div>
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I made sure to thank Dr. Wagner more than a couple times. I even hugged him, which I think may have caught him off guard. He helped save my life. It's because of his chemo regimen he had outlined for me that there was no trace of that cancer to be found after all!</div>
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Aaaaand...</div>
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That's where we're at!</div>
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Right now I'm looking forward to finally doing the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure in San Diego. Not this Sunday, but next. In fact... I was originally going to wear a pink wig, but instead have opted to sport my short chemo regrowth. However, I'm going to get it dyed pink. :)</div>
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Excited about that... and frankly, am excited about life!</div>
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And the heavenly Father deserves all the praise for healing me so that I might be around still to enjoy it.</div>
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Thus concludes the story of Bai Bai Bewbiez! There will be more to come, but it shall be a new chapter in the same novel.</div>
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Until then, God bless you all and as always, thank you for your love and prayers!!!</div>
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<i><span style="color: #4c1130;">"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves received from God." </span></i><span style="color: #4c1130;"><b>2 Corinthians 1:3-4</b></span><br />
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<br />Anjhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10026705329912035151noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1224690829332159120.post-45906873364434747732012-10-18T23:18:00.001-07:002013-10-10T18:51:59.573-07:00Bai bai bewbiez!: ACT I<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b><span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Soooo<b>... </b> </span></b></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1D1cap6yETA" target="_blank">Good news, everyone!</a></span></b> <span style="font-weight: normal;"> </span></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">As I'm sure you have gathered... I'm still alive!!</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">...and better yet you ask?</span> </span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79;"><i><span style="font-size: large;"><b>THIS BISH DONE SLAYED THE CANCER BEAST.</b></span></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b><span style="color: #c27ba0;"> </span></b></span><span style="font-weight: normal;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Say what?! </span></span>I know, I know... but stay with me readers! I have a lot of backstory to get through before we arrive to that. I just had to get you all hooked first! </div>
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Like a time machine, let's travel backwards a week-ish ago...</div>
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<b><span style="color: #666666;"><span style="background-color: #ead1dc;">[[ NIGHT BEFORE SURGERY ]] -- </span></span></b></div>
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Feeling petrified but ready, we left to go see my Dr. Mowlavi to get my official incision markings. Maybe 2 or 3 miles from home and I received a call from his office explaining he needed to do an emergency procedure and asked if we could come at 6am in the morning instead. </div>
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Even if I were self-absorbed, I don't think I could deny someone requiring the need for emergency plastic surgery. Poor soul. </div>
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So we returned home. Packed. My parents visited us. Took me out to dinner, which for me consisted of a cup of french onion soup, some french fries and a tiny dessert. It was pleasant and as relaxing as it could have been.</div>
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I didn't sleep well that night.</div>
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<span style="background-color: #ead1dc;"><span style="color: #666666;"><b>[[ S-DAY || 10.10.2012 ]] --</b></span></span></div>
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My alarm was set up for 4:15AM. I woke up at 3:45 wide awake, and after rolling over a few times, gave in and got up. I took my FINAL head-to-toe shower (for who knows how long).</div>
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I was in the zone by the time we left. We arrived early. Before 6, and my doctor's car was the only one in the parking lot. We could see him pouring over his computer and cranking reggae music from his office as we parked.</div>
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Once we were inside, he was all business. Started in on getting my marks on straight away. Drawing it on with a plain ol' Sharpie marker, he'd silently take a step back to look over his markings and then use a tape measure to finalize symmetry. And if anything looked erroneous? Use an alcohol pad to erase it! Very fancy medical science at work there! Haha.</div>
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We were finished a tiny bit after 6AM there, and seeing as we were both a bundle of nerves, we went back home. I actually crashed for an hour or so before we <i>really</i> had to leave for the hospital. </div>
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Amazing how little time it takes for me to get myself in order when there's nothing (makeup to apply, hair to fix, pretty smellies like lotion or perfume or deodorant to put on, etc.) to get in order, might I add! Lol.</div>
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First thing on the agenda for my pre-op duties was to check in. It's staggering to me to think there are enough surgeries every single day at this hospital alone, that you have to check yourself in. I thought I would show up, tell them my name, and they magically say - "OHH, right this WAY Mrs. Donahue! Poor thing! You must be so frightened!". </div>
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Yeah, it wasn't really like that. At. All. Hahaha. I don't blame them for that though, that's just my weirdo imagination at play. </div>
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Reality was feeling lost as we entered the lobby. Asking info where we'd go to check me in, and then having a lady at admin for surgery check ins lead us to a touchscreen where I check myself in. Cool. Handy and all, but kind of lacking the touchy feely warmth of a compassionate human being I was so hoping for in that moment.</div>
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Surely they will take my co-pay and then escort us up to where I will be admitted afterwards though, I thought. More disillusion as I handed over the payment and the woman stuck a gray wristband on me. I can only assume that wristband meant I had checked in and paid for my "services". </div>
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We then walked ourselves up to where we needed to be after consulting the lobby info people whereabouts again. A small window with an elderly women who was working there as a volunteer was trying to help a woman find her father who had been operated on a few hours prior. </div>
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I'm a pretty accommodating and understanding individual. I know ALL about how shit happens in life. I was annoyed. I didn't want this put off any longer. She finally found the info she needed and began signing me in. </div>
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No gurney beds were available for me, so hubby and I were ushered into the pre-op waiting room. Thankfully I didn't wait there long until she took me back. However, this meant parting from Jason until they would allow him to see me again after I was prepped.</div>
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I never would have been aware lest I'd just done it myself, but you're disallowed from eating/drinking anything at least 12 hours before your surgery. First thing I'm asked to do? Pee in a cup. My response to my nurse fellow at this request, "Whoa. All I can do is try". </div>
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They gave me ultra sexy antimicrobial socks to put on with my stylin' hospital gown. Commando they requested! I suppose I knew this somewhere in my bank of useless-until-needed knowledge which I likely learned from television or movies.</div>
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There were SO many patients who needed tending to before me, so I observed everything there was to look at inside my curtained-off room as I waited. Prayed silently the whole while. Tried to keep my breathing in check so I wouldn't have a panic attack. </div>
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Before my pre-op nurse could even get to me, I was met with the radiologist who gave me my radioactive injection for my sentinel node biopsy. Wanna know a secret that absolutely NO other survivor/patient/doctor/nurse warned me of? </div>
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That injection for that greatly improved method of determining whether your axillary sentinel lymph nodes nearest your cancerous breast has any cancer in it? Really, really impressive and impressive feat of improvements in medicine. Seriously. I do mean that. Used to be much more brutal. </div>
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However, that is not the secret bit... Oh no.</div>
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The secret is, they must inject this fluid into the breast nearest the armpit they're going to be checking the nodes in. Not so bad. I'm a pro, I can handle injections in my chest like nobody's business!</div>
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Yeah, yeah but they are not simple injections. No. They create 4 small, individual blisters to do so. IN YOUR AREOLA! </div>
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Oh yeah, and guess what ladies? They don't numb that shit. Lol! It might interfere with the fluid so the best they can offer is that areosol freeze spray stuff you use to get warts off. </div>
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It did nothing to help. ;) Plus, the radiologist gives me a heads up AS he's doing the first one that it should sting. A lot. Rofl!</div>
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Ahh well though! It did give me renewed courage that if I could handle that while fully awake and awaiting having my breast tissue scooped out, I was pretty certain I could do the rest of that day while knocked out! Haha. </div>
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Still waiting for more check in and prepping (with my nipple area-age still a burnin'), they did allow Jason to come keep me company. Waiting in a hospital or any medical setting has become increasingly tricky for me to figure out exactly how much time I spent waiting. It seemed like an excrutiatingly long time though before he was sent back to be with me.</div>
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When I finally had the nurse who was to get me prepped reach me, I was holding my breath hoping she'd get that IV in me on the first attempt. PTL, she did. She also turned out to be a very nice lady named Jeanette. Had that saline and antibiotics coursing through my veins lickety split too. She ran off to ready more patients. </div>
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My cheering section was arriving about then and were all hoping to catch a glimpse of me before I was put under. The volunteer lady brought them back one at a time. All my loving family who was able and willing to wait it out was there. My mom and dad. Mom-in-law and sis-in-laws Bre and Erin. Our dear friend Samara. Our nieces Britney and Carly even wanted to see me beforehand. </div>
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Although he was having a hard enough time simply being present in a hospital setting, my pops-in-law Andrew was there in the waiting room the entire time. A couple other friends, Billy and Andrew, stopped by that waiting room later to support Jason/us too. </div>
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I saw all who were there and wanted to see me. I'm happy they were too.
While I trusted Jesus, there are no guarantees. I wanted to tell
everyone I loved, who could be there, that I loved them... just in case. </div>
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One thing that didn't help that? Each time the volunteer woman led someone in/out to see me, she'd ask if there was anyone else I wanted to say GOODBYE to. Thanks lady! I don't care that you're not paid to be doing what you're doing, it doesn't take much sense to understand that that might be a weeee bit insensitive! Sheesh.</div>
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Truthfully, I toyed with the idea of sharing my fear at the possibility of dying in my pre-surgery post. I was optimistic because I didn't want the fear to get a hold of me. Truly it didn't fully materialize. Any prayers that were said for me to give me peace certainly worked. </div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ZRJXcLGEWMI/UIDuphNOqHI/AAAAAAAAAYc/ZpMEyUqdt7U/s1600/IMG_1210.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ZRJXcLGEWMI/UIDuphNOqHI/AAAAAAAAAYc/ZpMEyUqdt7U/s320/IMG_1210.JPG" width="240" /></a>Naturally, I became increasingly nervous as time marched on and the big moment was nearing, but Jason sat there very sweetly holding my clammy hand the entire time. He talked me down and kept me from tears more than a few times. Love that fella of mine more than ever, but I will save that for the continuation of this saga!</div>
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During the time my visitors were brought in and out to, ahem, WISH ME LUCK... I have no inkling how much time passed. I also don't know how long the hubby and I were alone for. All I know is we waited. And waited. And waited. And when we thought we were done waiting? Oh, we waited some more. </div>
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At one point, Jeanette wandered in to put those uncomfortable legwarmer things that squeeze your legs so as to prevent blood clots. I thought this to be a good sign that it was nearly go-time. I asked if it was. Dr. Kushner was still in his procedure before me. Sigh! Nothing can be done about that. You kind of need your surgeon before you can have your surgery afterall. </div>
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We didn't wait much longer after though, and once she was aware I was meant to be in surgery an hour ago, she gave us updates.</div>
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I met my official nurse who would be there in the operating room. She told me many times they'd take good care of me. Met the anethesiologist who also happened to be a really nice guy who told me the exact same thing. Lastly, saw Dr. Kushner, and he was sweet and wonderful as usual. Told me they were setting up the room for me and as soon as they were ready, it was time.</div>
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Ironically I remember the anticipating and anxious waiting more than the last few minutes before my surgery. Once they all came back to gather me and I said my temporary farewell to Jason, they gave me some sedative stuff and wheeled me off. </div>
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I don't remember the room or if I was asked to move or anything. I only remember that mask going over my mouth and nose, and being told to breathe deeply. </div>
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And, approximately 6 1/2 hours later (as far as I could tell, it was a few seconds later) I woke up in recovery! ^_^</div>
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I was the only one in there when I came to. A nurse were taking vitals and all kinds of stuff around me. I was impressed that I didn't feel much. I felt pretty good! My biggest gripe, as with my port-a-cath placement procedure was waking up with the sorest, driest throat imaginable.</div>
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I nodded in and out of consciousness and after having some ice chips, Jason was allowed in. I was SO relieved to see my babeh! Barely aware of my surroundings, but I knew I was safe then! They took me up to my hospital room not long after. Or um, maybe it was? Haha. </div>
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It was a huge private room. There was a nice little daybed/couch thing for Jason to set up camp on. Unbeknownst to me at the time, I had a gorgeous view. Once we were set up in my room, they let all the other wonderful people waiting for me in to see me. </div>
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I gave every effort I had to try to stay awake and once again let them know I appreciated and loved them. I still feel guilty if that didn't translate correctly in my groggy stupor. They each gave me kisses and said they'd see me soon.</div>
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More in and out of awakeness. The PCA system was explained to me, and we were on that button before I felt a whole lot of pain usually. Of course my heart raced almost ALL night, so as soon as my pulse picked up to 130, the monitor would boop and frighten me. I'd panic, which would cause my heart to race more, etc. etc. Unending cycle. </div>
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My nurses that night were fabulous. They stood by me for much of the time and tried to do everything to could to get me to relax. I think I had 2 EKGs and my other vitals checked dozens of times. At one point, I remember admitting to them that I suffer from panic disorder.</div>
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They got the doctor on the floor to come by and give his 2 cents. He ordered them to double my fluid intake and give me an Ambien. God bless that man for that. </div>
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It took time for my heartbeat to calm down... but it did return to a more normal range eventually. Until my body did give in, 4aAs soon as I'd begin to doze, my pulse would start up again. Poor hubby would get up, press the button off and lie back down. Literally every 5 minutes or so. </div>
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That wonderful Ambien did calm me and I did get some rest. We both did. Although not as much as we would have liked. It was much, much needed. Another thing I was happy to have? A catheter. Lol. So gross and yet, so so true.</div>
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I had no worry as to what my chest situation was. All that mattered was sleep. </div>
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Thus concludes our opening act of Bai bai bewbiez! Please return after a short intermission for the continuation within the next few days! ;)</div>
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For now, God bless you all and thank you for following!</div>
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Anjhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10026705329912035151noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1224690829332159120.post-61784116563723006322012-10-09T12:53:00.000-07:002012-10-09T12:54:03.034-07:00Keep calm and carry on<div style="text-align: justify;">
Tomorrow is the day, finally; finally... so why am I so nervous? I have been waiting for my surgery day to arrive since my diagnosis back in March. Rather impatiently I might add. Leave it to me to procrastinate my anxiety regarding it until nearly the last possible moment. Haha!</div>
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But once again, I remind myself that I must trust the Lord. So after a night of unrestful sleep, I got up this morning to go to church one late time before my procedure. I didn't pray that it would go well. I prayed for His peace in the time leading up to it. I prayed for my husband, my family and friends as I usually do. I thanked Him for all His blessings he's bestowed me with. </div>
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I know it's all in God's hands. So regardless of how I pray for things to go smoothly, it's up to Him. </div>
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And I trust Him. </div>
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That doesn't mean I am without fear. I have never had major surgery. I don't think I truly felt any sort of nerves about this until I realized how much check up was needed just to be given clearance. </div>
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We also had a scare during all that. I had my EKG done, and it came back abnormal. I have never had heart issues. However, since I have been given so much chemotherapy, I was worried it might have been effected. Same day we went to a cardiologist. Got the same reading. I'm still terrified about that if I'm honest with myself. </div>
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The cardiologist reassured me that since I don't have any symptoms that would imply I actually have a heart condition, that all should be fine. I have had a couple of echocardiograms done this year. One before chemo, and then at the midway point of my last regimen. All looked fine through those. So the doctor suggested my heart might be positioned a bit differently, since EKGs have standard positioning. This would explain an abnormal reading. </div>
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I think that no matter how you slice it, when they're talking about YOUR heart, it's freaky. </div>
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Had my chest x-ray, and then some more blood work and pee test. I never heard anything until yesterday when the nurse called me to ask me some pre-op questions. To me, that says I'm clear for surgery. ;) </div>
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In a few hours, the hubby and I are going to see my cosmetic surgery one last time. He's going to mark me up for tomorrow, think "cut here" style haha. I think I may finally pick my future breast size (yay!). </div>
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I somehow neglected to mention it before, but tomorrow happens to be my Mommy's birthday. Kind of crummy that she has to spend it in a waiting room... but I feel blessed that she will be there. I love her more than I could even begin to describe. So, Happy Birthday Mama, and THANK YOU!! For always being there and everything else you do and continue to do for me/us. I couldn't ask for a better mother. </div>
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Alrighty, here's my song choice for the masses: </div>
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And one for Jason. Because I love him a lot, and it's been a long long road for us. I want him to know how much it means that he's still here by me through this fight: </div>
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Well, that should about do it. My nerves are frayed and I think I'd
actually like to get my mind off of what's ahead of me before
distracting myself isn't an option. :P </div>
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From the bottom
of my heart, I want thank you all who have been praying for me and
supporting me. It means the world to me, and I am forever grateful. </div>
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Praying and wishing you all only the grandest of weeks. </div>
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God bless. :)</div>
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i><span style="color: #4c1130;"> "</span></i><span class="text John-14-27" id="en-NIV-26696"><span class="woj"><i><span style="color: #4c1130;">Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." </span></i><b><span style="color: #4c1130;">John 14:27</span></b></span></span></blockquote>
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<br />Anjhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10026705329912035151noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1224690829332159120.post-76375321602145622872012-09-26T17:29:00.005-07:002012-09-26T17:38:07.205-07:00Fun funny feelings<div style="text-align: justify;">
As I last posted, I am now in the queue for surgery. FINALLYYYY! :)</div>
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This waiting business keeps me on pins and needles. My nerves have been a jumbled mess! Seems it's emotionally trying to do what you would otherwise think would be easy in comparison to other stuff I have encountered this year.</div>
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Normally I'm at home during the week, and if I were sitting around expecting a phone call, it would never come. Well, I hadn't mentioned it earlier because I wasn't 100% sure I would be able to attend (if my surgery had been this week afterall) but yesterday I got to go to a recording of the Ellen DeGeneres Show!!! :D My mommy-in-law, Violet, scored tickets for us earlier this month! </div>
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Through my chemo especially, I found myself making it a point to watch Ellen everyday. I noticed how positive she is, her show is, and how watching brought a little more sunshine into my days. There's so much dreadful gloomy junk on TV and I already had enough heaviness going on in my life. And let's face it, who needs more of that? So her show has especially become my little dose of funny throughout this. </div>
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Back to us having tickets! Yay! Haha, so Violet and Bre (my lovely sis-in-law) came by yesterday morning and we trekked up to Burbank to see us some Ellen! We got there by 11ish, so we were a wee bit early! Lol. Unable to check-in until 2pm. Ahh well! We went on foot to grab some lunch at a nearby eatery called The Smoke House Restaurant. It was an old place with actually, pretty tasty foodstuffs! We shared a piece of Boston cream pie for dessert and it was beyond amazing!</div>
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Once we got back to wait to be checked in we were each given a survey to fill out. One of the questions asked whether you were or knew a breast cancer survivor. Talk about irony! :) And something truly touching happened while I was filling out mine...</div>
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Another woman waiting to be in the audience came up to me and introduced herself. She wanted to wish me well and said, "I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. That you will get through this. Someday you'll be able to give someone else going through it encouragement too and continue the sisterhood". To which I said, "I plan on it!", and her reply was, "you will". </div>
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That woman was a survivor herself. She beat cancer in 2009. Love that!! I do intend to do all I can to help breast cancer patients (and cancer patients in general) once I have beat it. Not sure how yet, but I'll figure it out! The Lord will clear the details up for me in time. </div>
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So, after waiting and some more waiting, we were seated in the studio. But then we were encouraged to dance, dance and dance some more! Lol! It was so much fun! We were also encouraged to take photos of ourselves being there before turning off our phones.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Woohoo!!! Ellen time!</td></tr>
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Before even going, I promised Jason I would do the charleston. Bre and I made a pact to dance like total goober white girls on national television. And we totally did. I have it DVR'd and need to see if any of our awesome moves wound up on screen. It was another really fun and enjoyable outing for me. Those are all the more treasured by me these days!</div>
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After seeing Ellen in person, I respect and admire her even more than I did. Such a genuine and caring person. Hope to go back and see her show live again some time in the future. :) </div>
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Sooo, today I am grateful for funny people! Because laughter is a powerful tool to help others too.</div>
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Now we'll get back to my millions of phone calls while I was out. Haha, okay, a million might be <i>slightly </i>exaggerated. But just slightly. ;)</div>
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The blood work I had done was checked by my primary care physician. She found my WBC to be a little high, so she wanted me to be retested. Spooky, because that could mean my immune system is fighting something. Alternative reasoning could be that I was really stressed. I'm praying/hoping it's the second option. I had my redraw today so we should find out in a few days.</div>
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That's all I got for now folks, enjoy the rest of your week! I hope it's a pleasant one for you!</div>
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God bless and just keep swimming!</div>
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<i><span style="color: #4c1130;">"I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken."</span></i> <b><span style="color: #4c1130;">Psalm 16:8</span></b></div>
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<br />Anjhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10026705329912035151noreply@blogger.com1