Leave a light on

It's been a wee bit over a week since I had my second breast reconstruction surgery. Sort of really hoping and praying it's my last too. Time will tell, but at this point, the results are night and day from what I was rockin' on my right side prior. 

Pre-surgery: IV in, thumbs up.

 

Surgery was relatively easy. When I came to after,  I had pain and was given a Vicodin. I was able to stuff some crackers in my face immediately. The pain didn't come on until the following day and day after though. Overall, I would say the pain after was more punishing than my first breast reconstruction surgery.

As it turned out, I didn't require a drain after! Lots of surprises for Dr. Doezie when he got in there to do my capsulectomy, in truth. My implant had a 3/4 inch tear in it. Thank God it was cohesive gel! It was also twisted. Partially beneath the muscle, and the rest on top of the muscle. O_O How the even? haha So bizarre.

So he swapped out the implant with a fresh one, and instead of removing all the scar tissue completely, he removed some and created some scoring throughout it so it'd have room to expand for the implant. All this took an extra hour than planned too.

It looks awesome so far. I finally have some breast softness on that side, and the slope matches well with my left side. I'm super pleased with the results, aesthetically speaking. The down side? Tricky to know if I'm doomed to feel tightness on that side of my chest for eternity or not. I know my body is still healing, but just... guh. >:( 

 

At what point do you just sort of wish you could not need to worry about this hot mess? 

We all take for granted what we have until we don't have it any longer. Or if we're even blessed enough to have it in the first place. 

Like it would be a tremendous loss for anybody who has had eyesight all their life to suddenly become blind. Point being, I miss having my normal, flawed chest in tact. It tried to murder me and all, but it was comfortable and natural and mine. 

Most days my decision and what I've been through don't weigh on me. Nobody would even know  what I've experienced if I wasn't such an open book. Perhaps I even hang onto it too much at times. But you don't go through this shit and not allow it to mold you on some level.

I do my best not to bring up all the negative thoughts I have near daily. I shove it deep down and smile when that's the last thing I'd like to do. It's the fear of the disease returning. It's the pain I feel when I hear of any person going through it. The way your altered view of life makes you look at others and their priorities differently.

I'll see some cancer survivors talk about moving on with their lives. Trying to forget it ever happened. I deeply admire and respect them if they're able to accomplish that. I can and have moved on for the most part, but so much is still so different. 

The days I do forget, those are my better ones without a doubt. 

But... I'm alive. I'm all scarred and stitched up and broken; however, I'm still here. That's something I must perpetually tell myself.

So please Lord, forgive me once again. I stumble and some times it takes me longer to get back up and regain my stride. I will regain it though, specifically with and by your loving aide.

And lest we not forget, everything happens for a reason. Everything. As much as I despise that fact at times, it is the truth. :)

For all I know, maybe this will all heal perfectly and be fantastic. All I know now is that I'm still uncomfortable and in pain. Better option any day than not being here to complain about it though. 

God sees it fit for me to exist here still, so I shall exist and try to exist the best I know how. Showing kindness to others above all else. The world can never have too much kindness. And while being positive isn't always my strongest suit, I try to bring that to those around me as well as often as possible. It's the best I can do. 

No reason for me to be harsh on myself for any feeling I feel.

That said, I want to acknowledge my wonderful husband and parents. Mom and Dad were there again for this surgery. My Mom had even made me some healthy and fibrous soupy type stuff to eat post surgery. :) So so sweet. 

Jason took this one of my adorable parents as they all waited for me.

And Jason patiently, sweetly took great care of me afterwards. I love that fella kind of a lot. The evening after surgery, he had to literally feed me because I couldn't raise my right arm without extreme pain. He helped bathe me and cooked and cleaned and bathed me. Demeaning as it feels to require dependency on another person, I'm grateful to God that my husband is and has been amazing and willing enough to help me. 

Oh, he was my chauffeur too! Surgery was on Friday, June 13th, and I returned to work the following Wednesday. I wasn't allowed to drive, so he would drive and drop me off before going to work, etc. etc. It was pretty fun to carpool, admittedly. :) 

Anyway, thank you Beeyah for blowing my mind with your love and care. I am blessed to call you mine. <3 And Mom and Dad, thank you for everything as always! God is good to me by surrounding me with people who love me, and I love, so very much.

Lastly, our precious kitty Michonne, was also in on assisting me in my healing. The morning after, she crawled up on my lap and didn't move. She cuddled with me nonstop for those days I was hurting the most. Sweet girl.

My cuddlebutt kitty passed out on me as I recover. <3

That does it for now, everyone! Wishing you all a most grand week! Go appreciate and spend some time with the beings you love.

Until next time, God bless you all and take care. 

"The light shines in the darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not." John 1:5

I believe in hope; I believe if I let go, I'll float

Soooo, kind of a lot has occurred since my last post! And I am most pleased and blessed to report that nearly all of the happenings are good ones! 

First things first, I saw my new PCP and she was fantastic. She put in the referral for me to see Dr. Doezie, the plastic surgeon I had been desperately trying to find a way to see. Well, the referral was approved!! I had no idea if it would go through or not as he's covered by our insurance, but just outside of our HMO group's coverage. So having that first major hurdle accomplished, I was able to schedule my consultation. 

My appointment with him was the day before my 29th (ugh) birthday, and what an unbelievable bday present I got! He told me that he believes he can fix my right breast without needing to do any flap surgery. Praise the Lord, like, for serious!

He's planning to do a capsulectomy, which is fancy-talk for cutting the scar tissue away that has encapsulated my right breast implant. Then he will likely swap it with a new implant. This time I will have a single drain. Bummed about the drain, but one sure sounds a lot better than the five I had to drag around after my mastectomy... ;)

In case it seems as though I'm talking about this as if it's coming up soon, that's because it is! My surgery is this next Friday!! I can dig it. Little to no time for me to dwell on it. The longer a surgery date floats around, the more you have time to think and worry. Which is no bueno says this Anj!

Instead, I shall get it done with and pray it is smooth and successful. 

Okay, so that's the big, most relevant news! Some other big stuff for me has gone down since April as well though.

I am no longer working for Starbucks. It took some huge changes to finally give me the push I needed to leave that job behind. It wasn't really the job itself that kept me at it. It was the regular customers I connected with, and of course the friendships I had formed with co-workers. I am extremely loyal and I felt it wrong to abandon these people.

However, it was ever so slowly poisoning my life. I was exhausted, bitter, and most of all, unhappy. I started applying for jobs where I wouldn't be expected to be on my feet my entire shift. I was also looking for a decent company to join that I could grow with. Maybe settle into a career at, etc.

Before I put in my resignation at Sbux, I had interviewed and been hired by a company in Irvine. It was described to me that my duty would be calling and setting up appointments for salespeople with businesses who were interested in the services the company sold. 

Sounded easy enough! Plus the sweet promise of full time hours, Monday through Friday work schedule, and bonus opportunities? That was all more than I needed to hear to lure me away. I was asked to start immediately. 

First week was all training. We weren't even on the phones until midday Thursday of that first week. The longer I was there in training, the more I realized I had been suckered into being hired for a telemarketing job. :( 

I survived that Thursday on the phones, and made it to lunch on that Friday before realizing I would be even more unhappy than I had been working at Sbux recently. So I politely waited until the lunch hour was over... packed up my things, thanked the trainers for the opportunity but apologized telling them the job was not a good fit. Like, really. Worst. Fit. Ever. 

I felt reckless. I left the job I knew for this "promising" new one, and it was all a mirage. I had even unintentionally burnt some bridges with my resignation from Starbucks because I wasn't able to put in my two weeks. All again, for this other job. And now I had left that job. 

I was unemployed and if I didn't get something, and get something relatively fast, I didn't know what Jason and I would do. We wouldn't be able to afford rent or our bills. All this running around my head, and I felt an eerie calm. Peaceful and relieved by it all.

As it turned out, God had it all under control. I trusted Him that I was doing the right thing. I trusted Him that He would lead me to what I was meant to be doing. 

I was unemployed for maybe a grand total of 5 days? A dear mutual friend of Jason and mine named Lindsay has a caring mother named Jayne, of whom I have only had the pleasure of meeting once before in person. She had read our pleas for anybody with any jobs leads in our area and had supplied me with a great lead!

We knew it could be a long shot because a lot of people were applying for it, and my interview was sort of last minute. But I figured I'd go in there and just be my Anj-ish self. And it went well, but I again never expected anything. 

Well, the day after my interview, I went about my business. I made it to church and was lazing about at home afterwards, but I felt really positive about everything. I felt that I needn't worry. I could put forth effort and see what would happen, but it was vital for me to simply trust. 

I texted Jason telling him just that. He mentioned feeling the same. So I decided I would get on my computer to check for new job listings. About 5 minutes after that, I got a call being offered the job I interviewed for! Nearly cried. I was overwhelmed with gratitude. 

And I started the following day. :) I'm working as a receptionist/administrative assistant for a wonderful little company called Absolute Health Care. The owners, Vicki and Ron, are amazingly kind and generous people... and the other girl in the office, Katherine, is super cool and fun to talk to. She's the one who shared the lead on Facebook that Jayne honed in on for me, by the way! 

Needless to say, I adore my new job. ^_^ AND if you or anyone else reading this knows of anybody needing caregiver services provided by a compassionate company in the Orange County area of California, look us up! 

Oh, and I know I mentioned it briefly, but I also lived to celebrate another birthday! While I could whine about how turning 29 sucks lemons, I shan't. You know why? I'm alive! And I'm dang proud to be alive three years after receiving a cancer diagnosis. 

In summary, life is good and I am blessed beyond words.

I pray that all of you share in feeling the same. :) Hopefully, be typing to you all again real soon with a more normal/improved right booby! Haha! 

Until then, God bless you all!

"But I trusted in you, O LORD: I said, You are my God." Pslam 31:14

If you want to survive

Guess which breast cancer survivor happens to be upon her 1 year cancerfreeaversary today?!

Yep, that's right... this Anj!!

In my head, that's when I started to consider myself a survivor. Odd truly, but my logic is that I had now survived cancer, as in, it is no longer living inside me. Therefore, I became a survivor. I think if I'm honest though, a cancer survivor is born the moment they decide to fight their disease.

So I was looking at today and thinking, "Woo! I'm a 1 year cancer survivor!". And it hit me. I'm more of a 1 and 1/2+ year survivor. But enough of that! I'm rambling and splitting hairs. Haha

In the moments before my bilateral mastectomy (I was petrified).

What I do know is I am over the moon to be where I am today versus a year ago. I was probably just waking up at this time from my delayed, lengthy surgery. That anesthesia was not kind to me. My recollection of that evening is hazy but I do recall it being one of the worst of my life.

Everything gets better with time, so although I remember that much, I remind myself that it was a small price to pay. My heart will forever be overflowing with gratitude to all the medical staff who made my surgery successful, along with the nurses who took care of me post surgery and everyone who was there to show their support for me that day.

Especially Jason. He was nothing but the epitome of what a loving, gentle, caring husband should and could be at that time. He made sure I had everything and then some the entire time I was recovering. He would timely fetch my meds for me, bathed me, cooked, did all the housework, did everything I couldn't do aside from that (which was a lot), made sure I was as comfortable as could be 24/7, chauffeured me, soothed me, etc. etc. etc...

But my most favorite exemplary moment of his patient/loving caretaking, silly as it may seem, occurred when I was sick to death of wearing the deep vein thrombosis prevention stockings for days on end after my surgery. He was given the okay to take them off for me. My legs were really itchy, so he scratched them for me and then tenderly massaged baby powder on them for me. You gotta reeeeaaally love someone to rub their sweaty, prickly, unwashed-in-a-hospital-bed-for-days' leggies without hesitation. And my fella did! ^_~ haha

In seriousness, he's wonderful and it's frequently overlooked how much the caretaker is effected by the disease. It may not be that they are going through it, but in reality, they are. It's just not physically happening to them. In some ways I feel that may even be harder. For me, I would be excellent at taking care of my hubby if the situation were reversed, but it would be terrible for ME. I would very likely collapse in on myself due to worry over him. 

I'm much braver handling stuff that happens to me because, y'know... it's just me. So whatever. No big deal. Lol! It's like that thing where people say you can hurt them, but don't hurt blankety-blank. I'm totally like that. You can insult me, but if you hurt anyone I love then it's so much worse than it could ever be happening directly to me.

Getting back on track, my husband is a huge blessing in my life. It hasn't been easy, this brush with the terrible C, but God has seen us through everything and shall continue to. And if we can conquer and come out on the other side of this together, we can do just about damn near anything. I lurve you, Beeyah!

Anywaaay, I say it before and I say it again: God is good. A year later and I'm still here. A small yet steep challenge that any cancer patient can appreciate. I take no credit though. It was all by my Lord's mercy that I'm still around to tell my tale. ;)

October 10th also happens to be my Mom's birthday! And she selflessly spent the day in the hospital waiting room last year, so I was happy to be able to celebrate both meanings for this day to be celebrated with her and my Dad!

We dorkily went to a crappy pumpkin patch today and then some "old world" village place in Huntington Beach. Had some amazing German food and beer there to celebrate. It was fun and I always enjoy the weird little adventures my parents and I have. I kind of love them both. A LOT. :)

As for new news, my foobies are continuing to heal nicely. As they settle, I am seeing some rippling in my skin around the implants though. Must be why I'll need that bit of "sculpting" my doc had mentioned before. Of course I have to be patient as that won't happen 'til my next appointment later this month.

I have officially thrown in the towel on being able to participate in the Komen 3-Day. :(  I'm terribly disappointed in myself, but I didn't put enough effort into raising the funds I needed to. Logically, I don't think I'd be physically prepared for it anyway. We'll try another year, I'm sure.

We are, however, doing the Race for the Cure in San Diego again this year! It was a most grand experience last year and I'm thrilled to be doing it once again. I don't expect any of you reading this to donate since I've already hit you up for our 3-day stuff, but if any of you are feeling generous for a good cause: click me for our team page!

I try my best to remain positive. Like. ALWAYS.

Some days I find I have less energy for maintaining the positivity needed to keep me upbeat. Self image, naturally, is on my list of things that I beat myself up over. Ironically, it does come after the annoyance I have with my post-cancer-treatment body; the easy onset fatigue, my inability to sleep through to night, random mini hot flashes, etc. etc.

Oh guys, I know they're really nothing since these little vexations are in trade for being given back my life. I do know this. It's never far from my mind. I know each breath is borrowed... but I do feel it's important that I address the realness of my survival. All aspects of it. That would include the dark moments as well. So please bear with me when I do.

There's a sadness that comes over me if I spend too much time in front of the mirror. My breasts, while they are a vast improvement over the expanders, do not look the way I envisioned. I don't know what miracle I was expecting. They're not real breasts. They're not MY breasts. So that can't look or feel the way they did.

The missing nipple on my right is probably the toughest for me, odd as that may seem. It's not like I need it. Even if Jason and I decide to have a baby down the road, the breastfeeding card is off the table completely, so it's not necessary. I guess it's just further demonstration that I am missing part of what makes me a woman on the outside. Sort of a slap to the ego.

I never thought these would be issues I would have ever needed to worry myself with. Especially not this early in my life, if ever. My self-image issues run deep. They always have. I have never considered myself a pretty girl. Even when I was in shape, it wasn't enough. This is only an extension.

At least I'm plenty confident in the kind of person I am. I know who I am and I'm proud to be who I am. That's my one redeemer when I'm down on how I look.  And I suppose it's a decent redeemer because I am awesome and stuff. Or so I tells myself! 

And that'll do me for now, guys! Thank you for reading to those of you doing so! :) 

May you all have a most blessed and super fantastic weekend.

"So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness" Colossians 2:6-7

Whatever you're facing

Time you fill you in again my dear blog! ...literally! :3

As you may have guessed, my exchange surgery went excellently. It was a total piece of surgical-cake! Yum? Haha Well, I won't say I didn't have any nerves. I had some, but I knew I was in good hands.

All set and ready for my (hopefully) last surgery!

I woke up a couple hours after being put under. I was trembling and unable to control it, so my nice surgery recovery nurse gave me some medication that stopped that. I'll be frank, I don't recall a lot else after waking up from this surgery. I know I was wheeled out in a wheelchair to our car. I also believe I crashed when I got home. Anesthesia is freaky like that. Forget-me-now juice!

The pain wasn't very intense when I was first released from the surgical center, however it started to kick in real good as I was settling in at home.

Thus I thought:

Haha! Due to the aforementioned pain, the routine of 2 Percocet every 4-6 hours for several days began. Oh joy. I shan't sugarcoat this for you all. Painkillers taken that regularly + not eating or moving very much = extremely uncomfortable digestive issues. Gross and not fun.

Weaned myself off the Percocet as soon as the pain was somewhat tolerable because of that fact.

Thanks to my amazing parents, we got hooked up with lots and lots of healthy yummy foods in the house since we were to be stuck at home for a while. Then that Saturday after my surgery, Jason's wonderful sister (Bre) and wonderful mom (Violet) came to visit us and cook food for us.

Had my first post surgery 1-week check up this last Thursday. Since I'm unable to drive for now yet, Violet took me. It was the first time I got to be out for an extended amount of time after surgery. Appointment went well. Everything was healing the right way, with the exception of some redness at the top of my right breast. Looked sort of like a bruise? But that also happens to be my breast that received the most radiation treatment. 

Something else I learned that day...

When I woke up in recovery, I noticed I had some weird pink belt thing at the top of the new girls and above my regular bandages. I knew I was meant to keep all that on, or at least I assumed I was. However, nobody told me what it was for or how to keep it on there.

I walked into my check up wearing it down lower and backwards. Lol! My doc asked where my "breast band" was, and I go, "the pink thingy? I have it on!". Yeah sure I was wearing it. Incorrectly. Oopsie!

So for any of you other women out there who might face breast reconstruction with implants, or even a typical breast augmentation apparently... if you wake up with a velcroed soft belt thingamajig above your boobies, that's called a BREAST BAND. Leave it be! Hahaha

Its function? Ah, kind of an important one at that! It keeps your new foobies from migrating to places you don't want them.

Exhibit A: pink thing A.K.A breast band. Must be kept in place 24 hours a day.

I would love to wash that thing at this point, but I don't even know if I'm allowed to! I guess that's a question for Thursday when I go to my post-op 2 week check up? ;) Why do I get the feeling I gotta keep this thing on for at least the full 4 weeks? Still beats the crap out of having drains in!

So I'm kind of almost feeling like a normal human woman again. Almost. My new foobs are fantastic and fabulous. I'm quite happy with them so far. I hear it takes time for them to "drop and fluff" into place. Whatever that means. In my mind, it means settling into the pocket that's made for them.

Not a lot of pain at this point. Sometimes I have some at the end of the day, but primarily I'm just becoming increasingly itchy as I heal where the incisions were made. Can't complain about being a little scratchy.

Gotta regain my stamina and strength again as well. I get tired and winded more easily. Dumb surgery recovery. :P GEEZ BODY! It's not like you've been under any turmoil recently and trying to reknit my cells and junk!! Get it together already! >:D

I'm planning to return to work next Monday actually. Starting out with princess shifts (4 hours-ish) so I can reacclimate. You always think time from work will be a whole lot of stuff it doesn't turn out to be. I was so tired most of last week that I didn't do much of anything other than sit on my butt catching up on tv shows and resting.

As hot as it's been here in southern California for the past couple of weeks, I'm okay with having to be stuck inside.

Anyway, I'll be happy and feel quite blessed to be able to return to work so soon. Honestly, we really need the money I make. My parents are so kindly and generously helping us once again so we could get by without my income for these couple of weeks.

Lord willing, this will be the last time for all of this. Last surgery. Last needing time off without pay. Last cancer-related chapter in my saga.

As bizarre as it is, the thought that this might all be behind me makes me feel empty. It's been my life. OUR life, for close to two full years. It's almost like another job in a sense. I think I just need to be adamant about filling the void.

My life, as I've said many times before, will never be the same. If I was considered to have an 'old soul' before, then now my soul must be fricken ancient! The worries many of my peers speak of are so troublesome for me to even attempt to relate to. I don't mean to sound as though I'm minimizing anyones' feelings or fears, but you go through something like this and you see that things could be a whole lot worse. For ANYBODY.

Myself included! Aggressive stage 2-3 breast cancer? Say my chemo had failed to work properly. Or my lymph nodes had been cancerous? And there's people who have much much worse they face with far more grace than I could ever muster.

So for the rest of my life here on this earth, I shall try to remain humble, grateful and full of kindness. You never know what other people are going through. One smile could give another person the will carry on for that day. Etc.

And I do believe that's where I will leave you all for now! May you all have a most lovely week and weekend ahead. I look forward to filling you in with more boob related information again real soon.

God bless you all!

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ... I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."  Philippians 4:4, 12

Held me down but I got up

Hi again dear blog!

Sooo, my surgery is TOMORROW! Haha, Obviously, I have had my date for a while, but procrastination, yada yada, etc. ;)

On August 29th, I will get getting my brand new shiny set of foobies! No more mean ol' expanders. Which, I'd like to apologize to everyone who has hugged me in the past 10+ months. Particularly the more recent hugs. It's gotta be painful to hug a person with softballs implanted in their chest.

Soon enough they will be a thing of the past. Graduating to something closer to actual breasts will bring about better closure to this saga. I don't doubt I will never feel the same about my body, it can't be the same... because it's not. But, just as going to radiation treatment daily was a constant reminder of the cancer, so are these tissue expanders.

So they will receive a big, fat GOOD effing RIDDANCE from me upon their leave.

They have been a nuisance the entire time they've been living in my body. I'm not even sure if I have explained how very deeply I despise them. They press heavily on my chest and make me feel very short of breath at times. Although it sounds like some lofty excuse, I accredit my lack of routine exercise this year largely in part to this chest tightness/shortbreathed-ness. It bums me out.

Aside from that, I'm a side sleeper. For the past 10 months I have had to be a forced back sleeper. It's terrible. I keep two pillows on either side of me under my arms so I don't roll over. It still happens from time to time. I'll wake up crazy sore because I accidentally slept on my side or stomach a bit.

Come tomorrow morn, it will soon be a thing of the past. Granted I have to wait until I'm all healed up before I can probably sleep on my side again... but hoping and praying that chest tightness will be long gone.

 Yesterday was my last day working for the next 2-3 weeks. While I know I'll miss all my work buddies, I think this forced staycation is sorely needed. I do everything possible to remind myself not to feel frustrated with my lack of energy, but it's tough. I know before all this cancer treatment I would not tire so easily. I do wonder how long the fatigue will stick around. Ah well, now is not the time to be hard on myself! I gots relaxing and trying to keep my mind busy today so I don't succumb to my pre-surgery nerves.

Subconsciously I've been way ahead of myself. I've had issues staying asleep for the past several days. Even when I've been exhausted.

Thankfully I was prescribed Valium to take for surgery related anxiety. So here's to hoping I'll be well rested come the morning.

You'd think I wouldn't be afraid since this will be my third surgery, but I guess being nervous just comes with the territory. I keep on reminding myself over and over that it's in God's hands. And it is. So why bother worrying? There's nothing I can do about it anyway. :P

So today I'm not allowed to have alcohol or caffeine. The big one for me is the caffeine. Working at Starbucks, you kind of wind up dependent on the stuff. I feel all groggy and sluggish without it.

Harder yet will be abstaining from drinking any water after midnight. That's the worst. The no eating part? I'm not especially hungry prior to going under the knife anyway, but I do get crazy thirsty. That's one thing that can't really be fully described unless you've gone through it. Once they get those IV fluids pumping in ya, it's so sweet. Suddenly you don't feel thirsty. So strange.

Now that I'm thinking of it, they must think I'm a pro by now at this whole business. I got so little verbal instruction aside from a handout that was given to me when I signed necessary paperwork to undergo the procedure. I suppose it is a good thing I know the drill then!

For curious readers, YES I am going bigger than what God had given me naturally. This is the only situation I would have ever personally condoned implants for myself... so why not at least get something I want out of it? I had to go through a crap ton to get my booby upgrade! Haha

The deets are my surgeon is going to be using a "gummy bear" implant. It's made of a cohesive silicone filling and is teardrop shaped. Should look more like real breasts and shall be much less likely to cause rippling to occur.

These are the delicious, REAL inner contents of gummy bear implants... ;) (j/k!)

He also told me the size will be 550cc-700cc. I know that's a big gap but it has a lot to do with what he thinks will work. I'm filled at 500cc in my expanders and they don't seem all that big. We shall see!

After I'm all healed, I'll have some fat grafting around the implants so it'll look more natural. I can't wait! I shy away from low cut stuff these days. It's not very pretty for any of us to have to see, but I'm hoping that will be an option again sooner than later.

This morning I got up early and went to church. I wanted to go mostly so I could say thank you. I do it everyday, but when it's in His house, it feels different. So I did just that. Spent most of my time praising Him for giving me strength to fight. For allowing me to be at this point. I never thought I would have had the mental fortitude alone.

I am so very, very blessed. I pray that His love may shine through me and I can help others so they might see themselves as being blessed as well. No matter how much or how little you have, what you have is a blessing. What you don't have doesn't matter as much.

Speaking of blessings... I had some really amazing times over the past few days. Jason and I got to spend time with my parents on Saturday. Had some lunch and enjoyed one anothers' company. :) Then Sunday we got to see Violet (Jason's Mom), both his sisters and their families! We all had a nice linner together. Loved sharing time with family all weekend. It's such a gift!!

My Dad took this pic of us while we were out at lunch.

One of Jason's co-worker buddies, Jack, had been inviting us to come out for a cruise on his sailboat some time. We took him up on it on Monday! Had wonderful company and got to meet the amazing people he's currently working with. It was exceptionally peaceful and relaxing.

Our beautiful view from the sailboat.

And I think that's about all I've got for now everybody! Blessings and happiness and love to you all as always. Now go out and be the best you. Never less. ^_^ 

"Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation"  Isaiah 12:2

And she walks

Dear blog,

I am feeling deeply contrite for neglecting you. As is sadly common, in living normal life you take for granted the things which are normal. What I mean is that I've not posted because things have been going well! 

Not the worst of all excuses for my lack of posts, but still an excuse all the same. 

So with my apologies out of the way, I'd now like to update you on the newest!

Last I left you all, I was preparing to finish my radiation therapy. I did very happily complete it all back in May with no further hiccups.  To cross that final treatment finish line was beyond sweet. The commitment to go Monday through Friday was so mentally taxing. I almost didn't know how to react when I no longer had that obligation each day! 

I still tire very easily in comparison to my pre-diagnosis/treatment days. However, it's a vast improvement where I am energy wise versus my stamina level during radiation. 

Could I tell you that I'm running marathons and able to work 12-hour days and still go out afterwards? Oh hell naw! Haha. But I do feel a gradual return of energy. VERY gradual. Like, snail paced actually... but an improvement is still an improvement, right?!

After closing the radiotherapy chapter of my cancer saga, I had to wait for a couple of places on my right breast to fully heal up before seeing my cosmetic surgeon. One spot was particularly stubborn as it would JUST. NOT. HEAL. 

It was teeny-tiny too. One day there was a small thing poking from it that turned out to be another stitch my body decided it wasn't going to absorb. Once that sucker came out, it healed up in no time. I called and scheduled my first post rads saline expansion. 

Doc decided to fill only my left side as it was in need of it because it was deflated so much for better access during radiation. This last Thursday was to be my next fill. Went in with only the intention of getting closer to the size I want to be at. 

We went in not expecting much because at my last appointment, Dr. Mowlavi told me he'd like for me to wait 3 months more until we did my exchange swap surgery. 

Boy were WE surprised!

I did get a fill on my right finally, and quite well more to the size I will be, but it seems there may be a very slow leak in my left expander. I guess normally if there happens to be a leak, there would be a surgery to swap out that tissue expander. Seeing as I'm so close to being done, he favored moving up my swap surgery instead.

I bet you can guess who's going under the knife again in the next few weeks?! This Anj! 

Exceedingly unexpected but it is what it is and I trust God. I trust His goodness, His timing and His will. This is when it's supposed to occur, so it will. ^_^

I don't have my official date, but I will after tomorrow. I've had a follow up appointment scheduled to see Dr. Wagner for months so I'm seeing him after I get off work. Then I'm shooting straight over to pick up and sign papers for my forthcoming surgery from Dr. Mowlavi's office.

Haha, oh! And I'm seeing Dr. Wagner to report on how I'm doing being on Tamoxifen and finally the order for my CT scan. I'd been anxiously awaiting that. No matter how official papers are claiming there is no more cancer in you, my mind tells me I've been done with treatment for 3 months now. I finished chemotherapy nearly a year ago! In the back of each survivor's mind is that darkest of fears, "what if it came back?". 

Until I have more finalization that those terrible self sabotaging cells of mine are still 100% bye bye, I won't have complete peace of mind. The trouble is, I don't know if I'll be able to swing all these doctor appointments between everything depending on how quickly my surgery date shall arrive. 

Gotta jump through those hoops again. Clearance from the primary care physician who then asks you to have x, y and z exams done elsewhere. If I throw in a scan, finishing up possible dental work I've been procrastinating about, and fitting that all in between my work schedule... you might say I'm a little frazzled inside.

Here we go again, Lord! ;)

So what, pray tell, have I been doing in my blogging absence you ask? Well, working. And then working. And then recovering and napping and gaming and reading. And then working some more. :) Pretty standard, normal life living type of stuffs. Soaking up the pleasant little things and griping over insignificant ones like some sort of average joe. Essentially, relishing the normalcy I was robbed of by cancer for 15+ months. :P

My hair has grown. I had to get a trim a couple weeks ago. I don't know why hair inherently becomes a mullet as it grows out from nothingness, but it does. I had the hair stylist trim that party in the back to match the business in the front STAT. I hated my curls with a fearsome loathing at first, but I've grown fond of them with time. It makes me feel a little old timey. Like some sort of dame with lazy finger waves!

I have never received so many compliments on my hair as I have in the past 6 months or so. It might be slightly atrocious of me but I take great delight in people's responses when I explain why curls have not been the primary texture of my hair all my life. Some people handle it very gracefully. Others are speechless. Some are apathetic. It's intriguing to see which I get. 

Could I hold the truth from a stranger? Easily, but I feel like more people should be exposed to the reality of how commonplace cancer is. Almost everyone you know has had someone close to them touched by the disease in one way or another. Yet we still shy away from it as though it's something contagious. Like you could will it upon yourself or your loved one by saying its name three times simultaneously. Lol 

I was guilty of this thinking at one point too. I thought of the C as a disease that ends only in death. It could happen to the "other guy" and maybe even his family or friends, but it couldn't happen to MY family. Nope. Or MY friends. And least of all, to ME.

You would think that as a society, we would have grown to see that isn't true in the slightest. If this disease can happen to sweet babies and children, it can happen to anybody at any time for no tangible reason. Allow me to emphasize tangible. Surely there is plenty of reason for it, yet we may find none for it here.

Anyhow, my Susan G. Komen 3 Day fundraising is not going all that well. I suppose that I've not put enough into it either. I'm still going to give it my best to reach my minimum, but if either Jason or I can't reach that $2300, we can't walk. :( Simple as that. I'm so grateful to the few who have donated in our names. So to the few of you who have, your kindness and help is a blessing! Thank you!

And if any of you kind souls do happen to be interested in donating: CLICK MEEEEE! :D 

With that, I think I've reached that point of I've said all I'd like to say for now! Thanks for reading and following along. I will do a smallish update once I have my implant surgery date in sight.

Until then, I'm wishing you all the very best always. Lots of love and happiness and good things! God bless and take care.

"Now may the Lord of peace Himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you."  2 Thessalonians 3:16

Bai Bai Bewbiez!: ACT II

And now, I present the second act of Bai Bai Bewbiez!

--------------------------------------------------

[[ HOSPITAL STAY DAY 1 | 10.11.2012 ]] --

The greater part of this day was spent sleeping off and on. They brought me food for breakfast, but it was still the liquid diet. That suited me just fine as pumping my body with the pain meds (PCA-style) every 20 minutes had made my head very cloudy. I had also been dealing with bad indigestion and some nausea. Good times!

As my parents visited early, my mom helped try to feed me some jello. Lots of ice chips were also fed to me by way of alternating between hubby and my mom at my request. Simple water didn't sound so glamorous, nor did it sound like the best idea yet.

Besides my parents visiting, my brother Sean stopped by. It meant to a lot to me that he took the time out just to see me. :) I was still very groggy, but I knew I was happy to see them all!

Dr. Mowlavi popped in to check on me. Took off my bandages and put some sticky yellow gauze junk on them and wrapped me back up. He was trying to encourage me to be released that day... hah!  I wasn't even close to ready.

I won't get into it, but it was the first time I realized what I assumed was some oddly hard, cast-like bandage the night before happened to be my new foobs.

I realize some of you may be unfamiliar with tissue expanders used in breast reconstruction. Well, it's essentially a temporary implant. They insert it under your pec muscles as I mentioned. It has a limit on how much it may be filled, but is usually filled over time with saline. It has a port, I assume is much like port-a-cath, in which they inject the saline to fill them. 

Once I have completed my radiation therapy and I have had enough fills to reach my desired size, I will have another procedure to replace my expanders with my permanent implants.

Another thing that came as a shock to me is that the expanders are HARD. Like, imagine slightly more pliable softballs shoved underneath your pectorals. I was not expecting to be filled when I awoke. And I definitely wasn't expecting to be filled so very much if I was going to be.

More on that later though... >_<;

I also found out I had 5 drains total. Two on the left and three on my right. I loathe them. That's all I will say. Ghastly pests they are.

On a happier note, although it was Dr. Kushner's day off, he also came in and checked on me. Again, PTL for this man. He ordered for my nurses to replace whatever pain medication was being dripped to morphine. I felt MUCH better and way less nauseous once that happened.

I still played it safe and stuck with liquid diet. I think I remember eating grape flavored popsicle? Haha... Still really out of it that day so my memory is a bit fuzzy on the details.

I was able to sleep better that night, which in turn meant better sleep for Jason too.

[[ HOSPITAL STAY DAY 2 | 10.12.2012 ]] --

Woke up well rested. Yeah, the nurses still milled in every 4 hours or so to check on me, empty my drains and scan my wristband to give me any meds I needed... but it was a nice, boopless night of sleep.

I started to grow weary of being bedridden right about this time. I knew I was weak, but had no clue until I was encouraged to get up and sit in a chair while I ate my first solid breakfast. Seeing as I have never before stayed in a hospital, it wasn't until this moment that I understood how gross hospital food really is. Lol. I did put away some oatmeal though. :D

My parents once again paid us a visit in the morning. One nurse lady that visited me and gave me a handbook on healing from a mastectomy suggested some things that would be useful to have at home - a wedge pillow and toilet seat riser. The thoughtful and sweet parents they are, took flight in quest to get these items for me so I'd have them once I was discharged. My mom and dad are so amazing. :)

I rested for a while before we later had a warmly welcomed fresh batch of visitors. Violet and Andrew (mommy-in-law and pops-in-law) were first. Also such amazing people. I am ridiculously blessed in so many ways, and one of them is the sheer amount of people who love my geeky butt!

My bestie Shalysa made the trip out to visit me that day too. So sweet! I know she's busy and it meant very much to have her make the drive up just to check on me and say hi!

After they all took their leave, my nurse was encouraging me to get up and try walking a bit. So on wobbly legs like a clumsy newborn calf, I got up with great effort with assistance from Jason and my nurse. They each had one of my arms and helped wheel my IV pole as we slowly trudged along. I am proud to say that I made it all around the nurses station on my first go!

Of course I was pooped after that. Lol, but I did it! 

Now, those leg squeezy things that prevent blood clots from forming while you're stuck in bed, they are uncomfortable. After you've been wearing them for well over 24 hours, they chaff. I was insanely itchy. I had to keep them on while I wasn't walking, so they brought some baby powder.

This is another moment where my hubby left me feeling as though I was in the best care possible. He'd gently take off those cuffs and apply the powder. The way he'd do it were as if I were delicate and might have broken if he applied too much pressure. Love love love that man of mine.

Had more visitors in the evening. My parents returned and then we got the most beautiful news imaginable for any cancer patient; my surgeon received the results of my pathology report, which read there were no signs of malignancy. Meaning? SUCK IT CANCER! I PWNED YOU!!!

Hahaha... okay, so more like, I pwned it along with an army of others' assistance! But you know what I mean! Without all the prayers, doctors, nurses, medication, family, friends, etc. it wouldn't have been possible. Here I am though, and I didn't think I would be saying I am cancer free this shortly after my surgery.

Nothing short of a miracle, honestly. And what a glorious testimony to the power of prayer. I'm well aware I have had hundreds of people, many of whom I've never even met, praying for my healing. It's all in the Lord's hand, but he has mercifully answered those prayers. I will never take a single day of my existence for granted.

God wants me here longer for some reason. I look forward to discovering what that reason is. ^_^

A little after we got the grand news, our friend Samara visited. Also so sweet of her! I was much much more coherent that day, but still worry I was perhaps not bouncing on all just yet. Some of my timing may be a bit jumbled. Sad to say. Haha. However, I remember feeling overjoyed and loved from the news and throughout all my visits!

[[ HOSPITAL LEAVE | 10.13.2012 ]] --

Woke up determined to leave this day... I did everything I could to get out of there. Got up and walked around as much as possible. Switched from using the PCA pain meds to strictly Percocet to control the pain.

My wish was granted, and in a short time, we were discharged. I had my IV removed and was able to get dressed. To say I remember much else that day after being put in a wheelchair and taken to the car would be a lie. My head was still plenty foggy. All I recall doing is crashing once home.

I do know that my parents were there and had bought me all the aforementioned goodies from the day before and a couple others, including a nice chair and a tray so I could eat in bed.

Jason lovingly made sure I was comfortable and settled in. Woke me up every time I was meant to take my pain medication to prevent me from waking up hurting.

So, I slept and then slept some more. :)

[[ FIRST DAY HOME | 10.14.2012 ]] --

That morning my wonderful husband helped me get cleaned up for the first time since the surgery. Can't tell you how splendid even a sponge bath feels after being unable to be cleansed for days.

Violet, Andrew, Bre and our nephew Gavin came to visit us. It was uplifting to see them all, and I gave it my best to stay awake during their stay. I eventually had to give in and go take a rest. Earlier Jason and Bre went out shopping for a while. Did some grocery shopping and also got a small dining table for us.

Jason and I didn't own one before this because we normally sit on the floor in front of our coffee table and eat. Ghetto, I know, but it worked. Not really an option for me while I had trouble getting up and down. So all of them put the table together for us while I napped, and that allowed time for Jason to take it easy too.

Later they picked us up some yummy dinner from Wood Ranch BBQ. Of course I couldn't eat nearly as much as I would have had my appetite been back to normal, but it was awfully kind all the same!

Then my MIL and SIL washed my hair in the sink. It was the first time that had happened since s-day as well. That. Felt. Fantastic. Haha! You instantly feel more clean when your hair is, I swear.

[[ FROM THEN | 10.15.2012-TO NOW ]] --

That Monday the hubby and I spent time unwinding and adjusting to me being so debilitated. I rested and relaxed the day away. He babied me. :)

My brother Michael came by and visited us that Tuesday. I really enjoyed that he stopped by. I know how busy everybody gets, and his family just got home from a week long vacation, so I was grateful that he took the time to check on me.

Then at the 1 week marker from my surgery, we met up with Dr. Mowlavi to check on things. Again, just for a refresher, the exact procedure I had done was a bilateral nipple sparing mastectomy with right axillary node biopsy.

So, the question in matter had mostly to do with how my nipples would survive. Particularly my right nipple. Seeing as I had ductal carcinoma, where the tumor is inside and in my case had grown outside of the milk duct, they had to remove as much of that tissue as possible. This makes for much thinner skin left.

The day at the hospital when Mowlavi checked on me, my right side already looked a little worse for wear than my left. He put the magical medicated yellow gauze stuff though and let it be.

Anyway, we had a brief appointment. He looked me over and thought the left was in good shape. The right side was still an issue. He wanted to wait another week and then planned for a 'revision' in office if it didn't improve by the following appointment. We sent us with the yellow gauze stuff and directed us to swap it every day.

As that first week wore on, I slowly felt like I was regaining my strength but also found myself in more and more pain. Um, to the point of tears kind of discomfort. My chest was so tight it made my breathing feel restricted and it just plain hurt. Throbbing type of hurt. I wasn't able to get the rest I required to recuperate because I couldn't sleep through the night thanks to it.

I had been taking my pain meds on time and still didn't find relief. I thought maybe it had moved on to being caused by inflammation. So, we stopped the Percocet and started Ibuprofen. Yeah. Not so helpful either.

So God bless my babeh; he stepped up and did everything he could to expedite me to finding some relief. He called Kushner and talked with him. He recommended getting back on the Percocet for the time being and made time for me to see him the following morning.

At that appointment he checked me over. He was suspicious my expanders were over filled. I had been too. He called Mowlavi to plead with him to remove some of the saline, and he said he would but was reluctant to do so. Instead, he suggested prescribing some Valium for me. I always thought this was a drug used for anxiety, but apparently it's helpful with muscle spasms too!

To rule out anything else, such as pulmonary embolism, they sent me to the hospital to get a CT done on my chest. Christ had it all under control as usual and I had no signs of a blood clot formed or forming inside my lungs.

The culprit for my agony? Muscle spasms.

All that for such a simple answer!

Happy part is the Valium has helped alleviate much of my discomfort. My chest still feels tight, and at the end of the night, my ribs feel a bit sore beneath my "breasts". Overall I'm a lot better.

Now, yesterday we went to see Mowlavi again. I was awful nervous when he had us sent back to a room I'd never seen. It wasn't an exam room. It had a weird chair, and then I was put in a room and asked to lie down. He hadn't even seen my poor right nip and was getting ready to do a revision.

He decided to let it go another week, but I was given a prescription and homework. We've got this new solution we have to put on each nipple daily. Its job? To remove the excess icky skin.  Yuck. And I can't sugar coat it. My right nipple looks gnarly. Real gnarly. Like, I'm concerned it may not be able to be saved type of gnarly.

I'm of course preparing myself for the worse, but as always, hoping for the best.

Today was the first day we applied this stuff, so we'll see how this goes.

Ah, I should also mention that I still have all 5 of my udders in place! Haha. Those drains are pesky indeed. There's no possible way you can stroll in a public place and not have people either thinking you're pregnant with some weird creature or have an odd way of storing belly fat.

I try to hide behind sweatshirts, but it has trouble hiding FIVE of these suckers.

This coming Monday they say I'll be able to get them removed. HUZZAH I SAY! So silly, but I know I'll feel much better once I don't have to lug these things around. Makes you feel like a gigantic octopus monster.

The other thing we'll find out is whether my nipple revision(s) will be simple or not. Praying they will be and this medicated solution helps.

I am getting stronger everyday. We went to see my oncologist for follow up on everything. He was thrilled with my pathology reports. He told us what we basically already knew. The plan is to put me on Tamoxifen after rads are finished. Ho hum.

I made sure to thank Dr. Wagner more than a couple times. I even hugged him, which I think may have caught him off guard. He helped save my life. It's because of his chemo regimen he had outlined for me that there was no trace of that cancer to be found after all!

Aaaaand...

That's where we're at!

Right now I'm looking forward to finally doing the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure in San Diego. Not this Sunday, but next. In fact... I was originally going to wear a pink wig, but instead have opted to sport my short chemo regrowth. However, I'm going to get it dyed pink. :)

Excited about that... and frankly, am excited about life!

And the heavenly Father deserves all the praise for healing me so that I might be around still to enjoy it.

Thus concludes the story of Bai Bai Bewbiez! There will be more to come, but it shall be a new chapter in the same novel.

Until then, God bless you all and as always, thank you for your love and prayers!!!

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves received from God."  2 Corinthians 1:3-4