Held me down but I got up

Hi again dear blog!

Sooo, my surgery is TOMORROW! Haha, Obviously, I have had my date for a while, but procrastination, yada yada, etc. ;)

On August 29th, I will get getting my brand new shiny set of foobies! No more mean ol' expanders. Which, I'd like to apologize to everyone who has hugged me in the past 10+ months. Particularly the more recent hugs. It's gotta be painful to hug a person with softballs implanted in their chest.

Soon enough they will be a thing of the past. Graduating to something closer to actual breasts will bring about better closure to this saga. I don't doubt I will never feel the same about my body, it can't be the same... because it's not. But, just as going to radiation treatment daily was a constant reminder of the cancer, so are these tissue expanders.

So they will receive a big, fat GOOD effing RIDDANCE from me upon their leave.

They have been a nuisance the entire time they've been living in my body. I'm not even sure if I have explained how very deeply I despise them. They press heavily on my chest and make me feel very short of breath at times. Although it sounds like some lofty excuse, I accredit my lack of routine exercise this year largely in part to this chest tightness/shortbreathed-ness. It bums me out.

Aside from that, I'm a side sleeper. For the past 10 months I have had to be a forced back sleeper. It's terrible. I keep two pillows on either side of me under my arms so I don't roll over. It still happens from time to time. I'll wake up crazy sore because I accidentally slept on my side or stomach a bit.

Come tomorrow morn, it will soon be a thing of the past. Granted I have to wait until I'm all healed up before I can probably sleep on my side again... but hoping and praying that chest tightness will be long gone.

 Yesterday was my last day working for the next 2-3 weeks. While I know I'll miss all my work buddies, I think this forced staycation is sorely needed. I do everything possible to remind myself not to feel frustrated with my lack of energy, but it's tough. I know before all this cancer treatment I would not tire so easily. I do wonder how long the fatigue will stick around. Ah well, now is not the time to be hard on myself! I gots relaxing and trying to keep my mind busy today so I don't succumb to my pre-surgery nerves.

Subconsciously I've been way ahead of myself. I've had issues staying asleep for the past several days. Even when I've been exhausted.

Thankfully I was prescribed Valium to take for surgery related anxiety. So here's to hoping I'll be well rested come the morning.

You'd think I wouldn't be afraid since this will be my third surgery, but I guess being nervous just comes with the territory. I keep on reminding myself over and over that it's in God's hands. And it is. So why bother worrying? There's nothing I can do about it anyway. :P

So today I'm not allowed to have alcohol or caffeine. The big one for me is the caffeine. Working at Starbucks, you kind of wind up dependent on the stuff. I feel all groggy and sluggish without it.

Harder yet will be abstaining from drinking any water after midnight. That's the worst. The no eating part? I'm not especially hungry prior to going under the knife anyway, but I do get crazy thirsty. That's one thing that can't really be fully described unless you've gone through it. Once they get those IV fluids pumping in ya, it's so sweet. Suddenly you don't feel thirsty. So strange.

Now that I'm thinking of it, they must think I'm a pro by now at this whole business. I got so little verbal instruction aside from a handout that was given to me when I signed necessary paperwork to undergo the procedure. I suppose it is a good thing I know the drill then!

For curious readers, YES I am going bigger than what God had given me naturally. This is the only situation I would have ever personally condoned implants for myself... so why not at least get something I want out of it? I had to go through a crap ton to get my booby upgrade! Haha

The deets are my surgeon is going to be using a "gummy bear" implant. It's made of a cohesive silicone filling and is teardrop shaped. Should look more like real breasts and shall be much less likely to cause rippling to occur.

These are the delicious, REAL inner contents of gummy bear implants... ;) (j/k!)

He also told me the size will be 550cc-700cc. I know that's a big gap but it has a lot to do with what he thinks will work. I'm filled at 500cc in my expanders and they don't seem all that big. We shall see!

After I'm all healed, I'll have some fat grafting around the implants so it'll look more natural. I can't wait! I shy away from low cut stuff these days. It's not very pretty for any of us to have to see, but I'm hoping that will be an option again sooner than later.

This morning I got up early and went to church. I wanted to go mostly so I could say thank you. I do it everyday, but when it's in His house, it feels different. So I did just that. Spent most of my time praising Him for giving me strength to fight. For allowing me to be at this point. I never thought I would have had the mental fortitude alone.

I am so very, very blessed. I pray that His love may shine through me and I can help others so they might see themselves as being blessed as well. No matter how much or how little you have, what you have is a blessing. What you don't have doesn't matter as much.

Speaking of blessings... I had some really amazing times over the past few days. Jason and I got to spend time with my parents on Saturday. Had some lunch and enjoyed one anothers' company. :) Then Sunday we got to see Violet (Jason's Mom), both his sisters and their families! We all had a nice linner together. Loved sharing time with family all weekend. It's such a gift!!

My Dad took this pic of us while we were out at lunch.

One of Jason's co-worker buddies, Jack, had been inviting us to come out for a cruise on his sailboat some time. We took him up on it on Monday! Had wonderful company and got to meet the amazing people he's currently working with. It was exceptionally peaceful and relaxing.

Our beautiful view from the sailboat.

And I think that's about all I've got for now everybody! Blessings and happiness and love to you all as always. Now go out and be the best you. Never less. ^_^ 

"Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation"  Isaiah 12:2

And she walks

Dear blog,

I am feeling deeply contrite for neglecting you. As is sadly common, in living normal life you take for granted the things which are normal. What I mean is that I've not posted because things have been going well! 

Not the worst of all excuses for my lack of posts, but still an excuse all the same. 

So with my apologies out of the way, I'd now like to update you on the newest!

Last I left you all, I was preparing to finish my radiation therapy. I did very happily complete it all back in May with no further hiccups.  To cross that final treatment finish line was beyond sweet. The commitment to go Monday through Friday was so mentally taxing. I almost didn't know how to react when I no longer had that obligation each day! 

I still tire very easily in comparison to my pre-diagnosis/treatment days. However, it's a vast improvement where I am energy wise versus my stamina level during radiation. 

Could I tell you that I'm running marathons and able to work 12-hour days and still go out afterwards? Oh hell naw! Haha. But I do feel a gradual return of energy. VERY gradual. Like, snail paced actually... but an improvement is still an improvement, right?!

After closing the radiotherapy chapter of my cancer saga, I had to wait for a couple of places on my right breast to fully heal up before seeing my cosmetic surgeon. One spot was particularly stubborn as it would JUST. NOT. HEAL. 

It was teeny-tiny too. One day there was a small thing poking from it that turned out to be another stitch my body decided it wasn't going to absorb. Once that sucker came out, it healed up in no time. I called and scheduled my first post rads saline expansion. 

Doc decided to fill only my left side as it was in need of it because it was deflated so much for better access during radiation. This last Thursday was to be my next fill. Went in with only the intention of getting closer to the size I want to be at. 

We went in not expecting much because at my last appointment, Dr. Mowlavi told me he'd like for me to wait 3 months more until we did my exchange swap surgery. 

Boy were WE surprised!

I did get a fill on my right finally, and quite well more to the size I will be, but it seems there may be a very slow leak in my left expander. I guess normally if there happens to be a leak, there would be a surgery to swap out that tissue expander. Seeing as I'm so close to being done, he favored moving up my swap surgery instead.

I bet you can guess who's going under the knife again in the next few weeks?! This Anj! 

Exceedingly unexpected but it is what it is and I trust God. I trust His goodness, His timing and His will. This is when it's supposed to occur, so it will. ^_^

I don't have my official date, but I will after tomorrow. I've had a follow up appointment scheduled to see Dr. Wagner for months so I'm seeing him after I get off work. Then I'm shooting straight over to pick up and sign papers for my forthcoming surgery from Dr. Mowlavi's office.

Haha, oh! And I'm seeing Dr. Wagner to report on how I'm doing being on Tamoxifen and finally the order for my CT scan. I'd been anxiously awaiting that. No matter how official papers are claiming there is no more cancer in you, my mind tells me I've been done with treatment for 3 months now. I finished chemotherapy nearly a year ago! In the back of each survivor's mind is that darkest of fears, "what if it came back?". 

Until I have more finalization that those terrible self sabotaging cells of mine are still 100% bye bye, I won't have complete peace of mind. The trouble is, I don't know if I'll be able to swing all these doctor appointments between everything depending on how quickly my surgery date shall arrive. 

Gotta jump through those hoops again. Clearance from the primary care physician who then asks you to have x, y and z exams done elsewhere. If I throw in a scan, finishing up possible dental work I've been procrastinating about, and fitting that all in between my work schedule... you might say I'm a little frazzled inside.

Here we go again, Lord! ;)

So what, pray tell, have I been doing in my blogging absence you ask? Well, working. And then working. And then recovering and napping and gaming and reading. And then working some more. :) Pretty standard, normal life living type of stuffs. Soaking up the pleasant little things and griping over insignificant ones like some sort of average joe. Essentially, relishing the normalcy I was robbed of by cancer for 15+ months. :P

My hair has grown. I had to get a trim a couple weeks ago. I don't know why hair inherently becomes a mullet as it grows out from nothingness, but it does. I had the hair stylist trim that party in the back to match the business in the front STAT. I hated my curls with a fearsome loathing at first, but I've grown fond of them with time. It makes me feel a little old timey. Like some sort of dame with lazy finger waves!

I have never received so many compliments on my hair as I have in the past 6 months or so. It might be slightly atrocious of me but I take great delight in people's responses when I explain why curls have not been the primary texture of my hair all my life. Some people handle it very gracefully. Others are speechless. Some are apathetic. It's intriguing to see which I get. 

Could I hold the truth from a stranger? Easily, but I feel like more people should be exposed to the reality of how commonplace cancer is. Almost everyone you know has had someone close to them touched by the disease in one way or another. Yet we still shy away from it as though it's something contagious. Like you could will it upon yourself or your loved one by saying its name three times simultaneously. Lol 

I was guilty of this thinking at one point too. I thought of the C as a disease that ends only in death. It could happen to the "other guy" and maybe even his family or friends, but it couldn't happen to MY family. Nope. Or MY friends. And least of all, to ME.

You would think that as a society, we would have grown to see that isn't true in the slightest. If this disease can happen to sweet babies and children, it can happen to anybody at any time for no tangible reason. Allow me to emphasize tangible. Surely there is plenty of reason for it, yet we may find none for it here.

Anyhow, my Susan G. Komen 3 Day fundraising is not going all that well. I suppose that I've not put enough into it either. I'm still going to give it my best to reach my minimum, but if either Jason or I can't reach that $2300, we can't walk. :( Simple as that. I'm so grateful to the few who have donated in our names. So to the few of you who have, your kindness and help is a blessing! Thank you!

And if any of you kind souls do happen to be interested in donating: CLICK MEEEEE! :D 

With that, I think I've reached that point of I've said all I'd like to say for now! Thanks for reading and following along. I will do a smallish update once I have my implant surgery date in sight.

Until then, I'm wishing you all the very best always. Lots of love and happiness and good things! God bless and take care.

"Now may the Lord of peace Himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you."  2 Thessalonians 3:16

Never ask why

Hey all! So I'm a little late, but Happy 2013!! Let's all make it a good one. Mine surely has to be an improvement over 2012. ;)

It's been a bit over a month since my last post and I figured it was time I give an update. Lord knows I'd been meaning to, but time has a way of getting away from me.

I began radiation on December 27th. All went well for the first week or two. Granted there happened to be technical difficulties on the radiation machines' behalf that meant I was unable to be treated a couple of days. On the 8th treatment is when I began having some issues. 

DISCLAIMER: This is pretty disgusting so please do not read the next 3-ish paragraphs if you get squeamish!

Ahem, that being said...

Radiotherapy is relatively painless. It has a list of side effects that may happen to your skin and I have been lucky to miss out on most of them so far. What it did cause me was some intense skin dryness on the treated area (my right breast specifically). Now, seeing as I am without a nipple on that side, and in its stead have a Sally-like scar where they had dispatched the dead skin where the nipple once lived, the skin became very taut along there. 

As I have learned over the past year, my body has this weird way of spitting out "dissolvable" stitches. Particularly little knots. Nasty, I know. I found this out from my port-a-cath placement procedure. Then it happened with the spots where I had been stitched up after my drains leftover from my bilateral mastectomy were removed. Lastly, it happened with my freshest stitch-up. After starting rads, my skin shrinkage came on quickly. This allowed for the leftover stitches to poke their way through my skin easier.

When they came out, I was left with small openings where they had been. I just figured time would heal it over and continued my treatment. Then one day after getting out of the shower, one of these openings began leaking fluid. -_- BLEH, right? So so so gross. I told my doc about it asap, she wanted to keep watch of it but didn't think it too serious. 

It stopped after a day. I was good for a week, and then it started up again. This time it wasn't stopping. So this meant an immediate halt to my rads. Had to set up to see my plastic surgeon to have him look it over. He then thought to remove some more saline from my right expander. He suspected it was sera serum coming from inflammation to the breast tissue from radiation. They took a culture and sent it to be checked just in case however.

Not long after the saline was taken out, the leaking quit again. Saw Dr. Young again, had her give the okay for me to resume treatment. Then I had to get the CT done again as guess what? The saline removal from my expander meant I'd had change in my breast. Yeah, so I had to have my treatment plan revamped. 

Arghhh! 

Haha, well I'm sure there was a good reason for this all to have happened the way it did. Good news is I'm back on track. Yesterday and today I got to go get treated as normal. 

I thought I was tired after settling back into working, and it's nothing compared to how I feel now. I almost cannot function in the early evening unless I take an hour nap at some point during the day. I guess my routine is reason enough to feel tired. Monday through Friday, I usually open at work. I get up at 3AM and start work at 4AM. Work between 4-6 hours, and then either go home and hang for a bit before going to radiation or go straight to it from work. 

So I spend probably something like an hour and a half to two hours just on driving to and from the places I need to be. That may not seem a lot, especially to those of you who commute daily, but for someone 3 months out from intense surgery, chemotherapy and currently undergoing radiotherapy, it's exhausting. Lol! As I spoke of before, my body still doesn't behave the way it did prior to all this. 

Small price to pay for an extension on my lifetime. :)

I've been trying to research ways to conquer the fatigue. Regular exercise is a common solution. So Jason and I are beginning kickboxing lessons together starting, hopefully, next week! I'm really excited about it. I'm praying it will help.

That's all my cancer related news for now! Other than going to appointments and treatment I've just been working. I can't tell you how pleasant it is to return to living world. I enjoy having minor dramas and concerns to deal with again. Haha.

And speaking of work, tomorrow will make it a year that I started at Starbucks. So crazy. 

All I will say is that God works in mysterious ways. 

Next Monday is the hubby's birthday, and this weekend we're going to celebrate. Going to see Ben Folds Five play in Los Angeles, spend the night out there and then hopefully do something neato in the area before we head home. I'm definitely looking forward to it! Birthdays are so special and I think I might even value them of the ones I love more than they do at this point. Lol, I'm grateful to be here to celebrate it with him is all.

Ahh, and of course our adorably precious Princess Chinsuela keeps me entertained with her antics too. That sweet little creature. I love her to pieces. I've taught her to highfive. Mhm, you heard me! 

Proof:

My sincerest thanks again to all who have asked about/prayed for/thought of me lately. I know I did a bit of a disappearing act. Normal-ish life does that to a person! And man oh man am I ever happy that's the reason why I haven't posted as of late!

Anyway, I hope you all have a lovely week and weekend to follow. I also hope you can spend it enjoying time with people (and critters) you love. ^_^

God bless.

 "For we walk by faith, not by sight"  2 Corinthians 5:7

It sucks, but do it anyway!

This past Tuesday came and went without a peep. I swear I do make an effort to be patient while waiting for any news. It simply comes to a point after you've been practicing patience for months that you become antsy. I called the following afternoon, and Dr. Kushner told me he was still waiting on replies. He assured me this wouldn't delay my surgery, which he still wanted to get scheduled for next week. 

After giving it thought over last weekend, I had decided I didn't want to go through 2 additional hours of chest surgery so they could remove the mammary lymph node that'd been troublesome. I'm getting radiation therapy either way, so what's the point? I mentioned this to Kushner, which he had been giving me plenty of reason to think it was a wise decision. 

There's been studies done on cancer patients who had cancerous lymph nodes removed versus those who were given radiation/chemo. The ones who had nodes removed encountered more complications and their survival rate was no better. With my particular case, that lymph node of mine is way deep in my chest. So it's even tricky to get to on top of it all. Not worth it to me to try and get to. 

As he told me his surgery scheduler was calling my cosmetic surgeon's office to get my surgery scheduled, I got a call that interrupted us. I let it go to voicemail, and ironically enough, it was his scheduler giving me a date. FINALLY! 

The catch is that all month I'd had my heart and mind set on the end of September. And for two weeks solid, I was assured it was the last week of September. The reality? October 10th. 

 I was pretty displeased at first. I wanted to fight it, but it was too late to do so Wednesday and I had an early early morning appointment to see my cosmetic surgeon Thursday. Jason kept telling me that it might wind up being for the best. Urging me to accept whether it was my real surgery date or not. 

My husby being completely mature about holding breast implants.

After my appointment with Dr. Mowlavi I discovered that October 10th was the way it was meant to be. There's quite a lot I need to do and get ready before my surgery (blood work, EKG, chest x-ray, clearance from my PCP, etc.). If it were next week, it would be very stressful to get everything ready in time. 

So, October 10th it is.  There's your cue Mr. Post Title --

"It sucks, but do it anyway!" :D

Jason took this for me, while waiting to see the plastic surgeon, so I could see my chemo-wavy hair. I still can't believe how LIGHT it is!

Of course what would this experience be without a little added uncertainty? Mowlavi asked what Kushner had told me when I spoke with him about my MRI results. I told him what I knew - radiation for sure, great skin sparing potential, and recommended I have expanders rather than implants put in right away. 

I only know what I'm told, therefore I don't know typical treatment protocol. He was bewildered by my claim that I could have nipple sparing on my right breast if I were having radiation. Apparently that's weird. Haha, how would I know that though?? 

So the two of them have yet to firm up details and let me know my exact game plan. But as it stands, the only thing not finalized is whether I will wake up with my implant for my left breast or if it will have to be an expander instead as well. Again, "it sucks, but do it anyway!". Lol

I'd love to take credit for my new found mantra, but it's from a new song by the talented Ben Folds Five. I highly recommend you all give this a listen. Besides its tremendous fabulousness, the video itself is adorable:

Living life doesn't always go the way you want it to, believe me, but do it anyway. ^_^ You'll get through it. You can be better or worse for it. It all depends on how you look at it.

Between this week and last, it turned out to be a lot of news and information to digest. Now that I've warmed up to the thought of having a solid date to have the source of my cancer removed from my body, I feel at peace. I know I'll become restless as it grows closer, but until then, I feel peaceful. The Lord certainly knows what he's doing, and I best not forget that. ;) 

Anyway... I wanted to mention some nice things that happened for me and Jason in the middle of this flurry of medical madness!

Some time back, Jason's mom had mentioned getting this fabulous deal on Groupon for wine pairing meal at a fancy restaurant called The Cellar. She told us that she and her boyfriend Andrew wanted to take us to it once my chemo was complete and I felt up to it. This past Saturday, we got dressed up and got to go! It was such a fun, fun outing. We desperately needed a "normal" night out. Yummy food with delicious wine and wonderful company. Just perfect! 

The unfortunate part of that outing meant we had to skip out on going to the second fundraiser event to support my SIL Marylou and our friend Denise's Susan G. Komen 3-Day (go Team Anj!! Again I will plug it - please donate!). From what I heard, and the photos I saw, it was wildly successful. We'll be there at the next one guys!

On Sunday the hubby and I were both pooped. We've been talking for months about how to figure out our sleeping arrangement once I'm home recovering. For the past 5 and half years we'd been sleeping on a full mattress. Not always the comfiest, but we managed. My parents very generously offered us their king-sized guest mattress in exchange for our old one. As sweet as that is on its own, they took the time to stop by Sunday morning and do the mattress switch for us. Such an amazingly kind gesture!

Next one takes some backstory... haha.

My favorite band is called The Dresden Dolls. Been in love with their unique music since I was first introduced to them approximately 7 years ago. I have been able to see them perform live twice. Always wanted to grab their autograph, particularly leadsinger/pianist Amanda Palmer. I adore her. She's a strong kick ass woman. 

When I was diagnosed earlier in the year and unbeknownst to me, Jason took it upon himself to contact many of my favorite places and people telling them my situation and asking if they would mind doing something for me. One of the ones he had contacted happened to be Ms. Amanda Palmer. Well, they got back to him. Her street team informed him that they'd get Amanda to make postcard out to me. It came in our mail this week!!

I looooove Amanda Palmer!!!  P.S. He is a good one!

My point? You gotta take the good with the bad. There has to be some rain before a rainbow can be born. Thankfully I can see the positive in the rain too. :)

 God bless all of you. 

"Do everything without complaining or arguing so that you may become blameless and pure children of God, without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe."   Philippians 2:14-15

The endless in-between

This week has been quite the roller coaster! Wednesday was my big appointment day. Got up early and got down to my cosmetic surgeon's office off of PCH. Beautiful view of the ocean over there! Anyway, we got in there and I could not figure out how to put on the examination top I had been asked to put on. Lol... I waited until Dr. Mowlavi got in the room and he assisted by getting the snap buttons all put together. Apparently there was a way to make it wearable after all! Haha. 

Pick a size, ANY size!

He didn't spend a ton of time with us as I was so unsure of the game plan. All I could offer him was the promise of surgery this month. But he needed to know if I was going to require radiation, etc. I'm not sure I comprehended this on our initial visit way back in March, but he specializes in doing immediate reconstruction as opposed to the more traditional way of doing it in steps.

I was thrilled to hear him say that, but my excitement was quickly deflated. It would only be possible if I didn't require radiation treatment. So, there was A LOT left up in the air. He had me reschedule and we're going to see him again next Thursday. This time I'll have all the information he needs.

Feeling somewhat bummed, we returned home for a while as my MRI appointment wasn't until 1pm. Unrelated, yet still related, I have panic disorder and I regularly take medication that helps me manage my panic attacks. I have been on it for years. My psychiatrist is out in the Temecula area, and seeing as I only see her once a year, I saw no point in finding a new one. Well, last weekend I discovered I'd run out of refills. I attempted to refill it and see if the pharmacy could garner her approval. It was declined. 

Now, that's understandable considering most docs want you to come see them before giving you further refills. Normal practice, but taking my situation into consideration, this seemed like SUCH a burden. In her favor, she had no idea I had this going on. I had to call and play phone tag between the pharmacy and my psychiatrist's office all day yesterday. Fun times! 

Thankfully, my persistence paid off. When she finally got the message from the receptionist she talked to me for probably 15 minutes or so and then faxed her approval for several months of refills immediately after we hung up. Phew.

Getting back to the story of Wednesday... this refill nonsense matters because I hadn't had my medication to help with my panic disorder in like, 2 days at that point. I was already kind of on edge about doing this MRI because of my possible "allergic reaction" to the CT contrast dye I had last time I had testing done. 

You'd think I would have been more logical about it as that was third breast MRI this year for me and I'd never had an issue with the dye before.  The times before I had been given a pair of headphones over my earplugged ears. I could hear the tech tell me how much time is remaining in the set, and music streams through the rest of the time. She accidentally forgot to give me that this time, so I was even more tense. I just kept my eyes shut most of the time and prayed. 

Between the prayers and having my hubby in the room, I got through it fine. :)

Me being totally sexy in my MRI getup.

Sometimes I'm convinced that the down time is far more painful than the actual testing/treatment/procedure is. Yesterday and especially today, I was convinced that was true. I spent the day with my cell phone by my side, flip-flops on and a hat within reach in case I needed to jump up and step outside to answer (we get AWFUL cell reception in our apartment).

As 2pm rolled around and I still hadn't heard a peep from my surgeon, I was afraid I'd be without the news of my results all weekend. I called their office and got through to his scheduler, who was away from her desk or on the phone already. Left a message about just checking to get my results and asked to be called back. Around 3:30pm, I was entertaining the thought of whether to go outside and try calling again. That's about when Dr. Kushner called me. 

He had presented my case to the weekly held cancer conference once again, which was why he hadn't called sooner. He sounded solemn, which worried me and must have shown in my voice because he immediately reassured me that it wasn't bad news. The tumor in my breast is gone. It has miraculously melted away, and my enlarged internal mammary lymph node is now back to a normal size. 

Awesomesauce, right? Well... mostly.

It is now a guarantee I will be having radiation. I will also be having expanders put in, and will be unable to have them filled with saline until my radiation therapy is finished. This means I will be completely flat until then. :\ 

Which as much as all that sucks, I'm the most frightened about the possibility of them wanting to try to surgically remove the lymph node. My surgeon didn't seem very keen on the idea of it, but he's going to speak with a well known breast cancer surgeon named Armando Giuliano next week and get his opinion. 

Dr. Kushner is going to be in touch with me after that, and he says as long as I'm game for it, the week following next will be the week. I told him I'm ready when he is and the sooner the better. I'm on pins and needles to get this surgery out of the way.

I will say that I am grateful to have such a compassionate medical team that is willing to take the extra time to do what will be most beneficial for me in the long run. And whatever fear I feel, I must keep reminding myself to give it up to God. He has seen me through to this point and I know He will see me through to the end.

I may not be able to see why my journey is being extended, but I'm certain it's happening this way for a reason. All I have to do is hold on to my faith and just wait this out. :)

 

Have you ever wondered why those days exist
When life just seems to be the conspiracy against you
I don't know where the answers lie
But I try not to get hung up on the questions

I burn like a good bonfire
In whatever I do
I burn like a good bonfire
And I know I'll come through

The time is long overdue for a house clearing of the soul
We all get so complicated in our lives
When walking just walk, when sitting just sit when being just be
Above all don't stray from your chosen path

Burn like a good bonfire
In whatever you do
Burn like a good bonfire
And I know you'll come through

Burn like a good bonfire
In whatever you do
Burn like a good bonfire
And may peace come to you

 

Such a beautiful song and it sums up how I'm feeling perfectly right about now. ^_^ Well, that's all for today. Have a great weekend everyone! God bless! 

"Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you"   Psalm 9:10