What's happened and what's going on

Oh boy, well, it seems I will be making posts (as long as all is going well) in 7 month increments any more? Haha, sorry about that to any of you actually continuing to follow along! Please understand how deeply thankful I am for your concern for this little ol' Anj. It really does mean the world to me. <3

So, as I alluded to above, things seem to be going fine. Normal even. Well, as normal as normal can be after you have survived cancer.

My recent blood work has all been dandy. No abnormally elevated tumor markers or anything nasty like that, praise the Lord!

However, I can't shake the feeling that something isn't right. I am like, 90% sure it's all in my head, if I assess it from a logical standpoint. But in the times I have too much time on my hands to think, which gratefully are further and fewer apart now, I worry. Endlessly and possibly needlessly, but all the same, the fear is there.

I rarely sleep through the night anymore. Naturally, it would likely be easier to if I didn't have a rambunctious teenager-aged furbaby randomly yelling at me to play with her in the middle of the night... thanks for that, Michonne-kitty! ;)

"...who, me?!"

Yet, even when there is no good reason for me to wake up frequently, I still do. A good night's sleep for me these days is if I only happen to wake up between 1-3 times throughout the night. I suspect this change is thanks to Tamoxifen screwing with my hormones. Again though, that's only a suspicion. It's frustrating but not life destroying.

The constant fatigue though? I was reassured by several of my docs that this would disappear post-chemo a year or two. We're catching up on 2 years since I finished my chemo regimen, so we shall see how true that is.

From other articles and studies I have read, it can more often than not be a lifelong side effect. I have accepted this to be true at this point. This way, if this fatigue magically disappears within the near future, I will be quite pleasantly surprised won't I?

If this fatigue could be rectified with a simple nap, or going to bed earlier, then I would have no means for complaining whatsoever. On the contrary, I would be thrilled! Unfortunately, it's far too easy for me to reach the point of exhaustion that instantly puts you into tears and only slightly improves with an over abundance of rest. Let's put it this way, I can/could sleep solidly for 10+ hours and will have no trouble getting in an hour long nap later the same day.

This one affects me more directly. Often times I don't know how I will muster the energy to get through the work week. And booking two outings in one weekend? That's usually not a great idea for me. I simply don't have the energy. I feel at least twice my age on bad days.

Now, my heart feels guilty any time I gripe about the side effects of what helped to keep me alive. I pray God will have patience with me, and that you all will not think less of me. I only feel the need to explain specifically, so that those I love might better understand if I seem less involved at gatherings, etc. etc.

And once more I must remind myself to circle back to my appreciation for still being alive. Had things gone differently, I might not be. I would not have made it to see 30 if I hadn't found that lump in time. So, fatigued Anj can and will shut up and deal. Haha

Speaking of turning 30? I reached that back in May! Flippin' crazy. Jason took me to Napa Rose to celebrate the occasion, and we had the best meal and experience yet that we've had there! I ate some rare, like, limited edition salmon from the North West somewhere and Jason ate shrimp sausage, lol... among other yummy seafoods. Also tried a port wine for the first time! I have decided that I enjoy wine, but I reeeeaaally enjoy GOOD wine. As in the straight-from-Italy or France kinds!

Our desserts from Napa Rose. <3

Oh, and I know I brought up my intention to cosplay Carol Peletier from the Walking Dead in my last post! I have done it twice now! First time was sort of a bust, but it was more successful my second time around. First time was WonderCon back in April. Second was a few weeks ago at Walker Stalker Fan Fest San Diego. Heck, I even got interviewed by the OC Register because of my costume! Proud nerdgirl moment.

WonderCon 2015 Carol selfie.

And serious business season 5b Carol at WSFF San Diego 2015

Also, because of my adoration for the Walking Dead and specific desire to dress as Carol, I have met a group of awesome new friends! We all cosplay as Carol, and although it is private and by invite only, we have a little "secret" group called Carols United. <3

In fact, my dear pal Connor from our group came up with this fabulous idea for us to all have a shirt! He came up with the original design, and with his blessing, I created some new artwork and recreated his original design, just replacing the stock artwork with my own. I'm pretty proud of the outcome, and the back of our shirts all bare our individual hashtag Carol related nicknames. I'm #SurvivorCarol. :D

an Anj modelling said shirt.

So I have met and hung out a couple of times with Connor, Micha and Amelia (whom I all adore and appreciate greatly!) but everyone in our group is extremely friendly and supportive of one another. Geeks helping geeks. It's a beautiful thing! I hope to meet all of my Carols United friends in person eventually. <3

Me looking silly with the fabulous Amelia (carol-on.tumblr.com) at WonderCon 2015.

#FatCarol #ManCarol #SurvivorCarol <3 at WSFF San Diego 2015.

Moral of that story? You never know who or what or where life can take you! Haha. That super dorky interest of yours may lead you to meeting some potential lifelong friends!

Getting into Walker Stalker Fan Fest a bit more... now, we had held out hope that the event would lure some of the current Walking Dead cast over to Petco Park for the event. Likely due to contract restrictions, none did. Buuut, we did meet everyone we wanted to! We have a framed map of "Terminus" that lives in our living room that we brought with us and had our favorite former cast members sign. It's seriously bad ass.

Best thing on here? The "Welcome to" above Terminus that Andrew J. West (Gareth) wrote on there. 

I tried to change out of costume before our photo op, so it's not the best picture of me, but ZOMG HERSHEL!!

Sooo, I'm looking forward to dressing as this amazing character again soon! Don't know when just yet, but I'll be ready! But seriously, Carol's angelic hair is impossible to recreate!! That's the one thing I wish I could get down! Haha

Next fangirl goal? Meet the queen herself, Melissa McBride (the actress who plays Carol). I just want to hug her and thank her for putting her soul into such an inspirational and strong female character. I truly do identify with her. While I may not have had the same trials as her character, I have had to make tough choices just so I could keep on surviving.

You know something blog? I actually have an interesting story for you all in regards to my Walking Dead fandom. For those of you who are disinterested or unfamiliar with the show, it's totally cool if you skip past all this! It won't hurt my feelings. Haha

THUS, NOW IS STORY TIME!!!

Sorry Carol, I'm "these people" then. lol! Anyhow, season 1 of the Walking Dead premiered on Halloween 2010. Jason watched it live from day one. He followed along faithfully for the entire 6 episode first season run. I, on the other hand, have never before been a fan of gore in television or movies, and I have certainly never been a fan of the horror genre. However, my husband is. He loves horror stuff and especially zombie related stuff. So, while he had no familiarity with the Walking Dead comic prior to the tv show's debut, he was initially interested because of the whole zombie apocalypse aspect.

While he watched the show, I would often hear dialogue in the background. A few times it would catch my attention. One unusually touching moment for entertainment considered "horror" that convinced me it was more than just some zombie show, was from the pilot itself. The lead character Rick Grimes sees a woman who is now a sad shell of her former self and has turned long ago crawling towards him. He meets her eyes and says, "I'm sorry this happened to you", before he puts her down. I knew right there that it was a much different animal than I thought it was. 

Slowly as Jason rewatched the first season, I'd watch more here and there. When season 2 debuted, I was hooked and have been ever since. Now, my reason behind bringing this all up, is that it aligns with my cancer diagnosis and journey in some odd ways. 

I was recollecting with Jason recently about a particular moment that happened in the show, and how I realized we were in the apartment we're living in when it happened. I recalled my reaction in that moment, etc. Then it occurred to me. The season ended earlier than it normally would that year (in 2012) as it had several episodes fewer than it does anymore. The season finale for season 2 aired just two days before I received my diagnosis. Season 3 began just 4 days after my bilateral mastectomy and just 1 day after I was released from the hospital for it. 

Okay, I know... I'm being a dork seeing all these things aligning. And I totally am, but I think something about it ties it into my journey a little more personally. These characters are all doing their best to survive the most awful circumstances. They have everything and anything thrown at them. So you see them through all of their ups and downs. I think in some weird way, it has helped empower me and distract me from my own trials and issues. 

So I am indeed an uber fan... but I like to think there's some good reasoning behind it!

One final thing related to my fandom, yet unrelated - I'm still hoping to get my first tattoo this year. Maybe even two? My first will be my pink ribbon I've been wanting for the past 2 years, and now as a separate tattoo, I want to get my favorite quote of Carol's from the show along with a flower that represents her character. When though? Hmmm, sooner than later I hope! 

Other than all my fangirl business, I've just been trying to get through the work week like everyone else. I was doing really well with going to the gym with Jason for quite a few months there. Now it's more inconsistent on my part, as Jason was asked to change to an earlier work shift which makes for us needing to get to the gym even earlier.

I just have such a hard time getting up to get to the gym at 3:30am versus the 4am we were doing. I don't have to be to work until 8am (and I'm off at 5pm), so I'll try to rest for a bit before getting ready and out the door to work, but with my chronic fatigue, it just makes for an extremely long day for me. I'm trying though, and I shall continue to. That's better than nothing after all!

My next oncology appointment is in September, so we'll see if he decides to order my next scan or decides to wait longer. I always get antsy as my time for a scan approaches. I'll be sure to post an update either way after I see him. 

Weeell, and that's all I got for now folks! Thanks as always for taking the time to read my ramblings. God bless you all with a wonderful rest of your weekend. 

"But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness. " Psalm 86:15

I have a will for survival

Happy 2015 blog! Has it really been 7 months since I last updated?! Oh how time flies!

Let's see... there hasn't especially been a whole lot to fill everyone in on up until much more recently. That's probably why I've been so quiet leading up to this point. My biggest news concerning my health is that I had my most recent check up with my oncologist back in November, and he then had me go for my yearly PET/CT scan.

Major bruising from vein infiltration from the IV... ahh, fun times!

I went for my scan, and well, good news first -- there was no sign of metastatic disease!

The less good news -- they found an ovarian cyst about 3.4cm on my left side.

He put in an authorization for me to have an ultrasound done to rule out it being cancerous. I went and had that exam in December. When I heard back from my doctor, I didn't really get a solid answer one way or another. I didn't get an "oh, it's a typical, benign looking cyst" or "it's suspicious, we need to check it out immediately".

The radiologist who read my images just thought I should have the exam repeated in 4-6 weeks to see what's going on. One thing positive is that on the PET it showed as being 3.4cm, and my ultrasound showed it being 2.9cm. It had shrunk a bit.

However, it was not a simple cyst. Instead, the docs were thinking more likely a complex hemorrhagic cyst. Fancy-talk for a blood filled cyst. Gross, I know.

So upon their recommendation for me to have the repeat done in 4-6 weeks, which I did the first week of January. The results from that were that the cyst on my left ovary had resolved! Woohoo! BUT, I now have a small cyst on my right ovary. Argh.

With the left ovarian cyst, I had been quietly having pain on the left side of my pelvis for a few months, actually. I didn't even think much about it. Figured it was weird period-related junk. I mean, women are freaking complicated, what with all our crazy reproductive organs and what not! lol

And as a matter of fact, I think the way that cyst "resolved" was by rupturing. Several weekends ago, I had some intense pain and breakthough bleeding. Ended in a couple days, but I was nervous about it. 

So now, I'll hope and pray this new cyst is no big deal and resolves on its own as well. Just have to wait and trust our Lord once again. :3

So in non-health related Anj-news, since I have settled nicely into my lovely little office job, I made the plunge into being an owner of vivid, colorful hair. I had been wanting to do dye it violet/purple for years and there's nothing like facing your mortality to make you realize, "why the heck not??".

Yours truly during the nearly 6 month duration of my violet-hair.

Of course, it may seem silly for a lady in her late twenties to do such a thing, but you know something? I don't care! I've always wanted crazy hair and most recently I had wanted beautiful purple hair, so why not? I totally know I have a problem with repeating myself, but cancer changes your world. It changed mine for the better in most ways. Things I would be too timid or frightened to do before, I say to hell with it and do it anyway! 

I mean, God's got this anyway. My life was never fully in MY control to begin with, so why not live as happily as I can while I have life left to live? You learn so many things along the way when you have this outlook. 

Now, does this mean I would be willing to duck into a just any back alley, weirdo ethnic restaurant and eat the strangest item on the menu? Pfft, noway, I'm not THAT adventurous. However, I would be willing to do it if I thought it might make me happy. :) 

One of the other lessons I have learned is that the more I don't give an eff what random other people think of me (and focus only on my happiness and my love ones' opinions are) the sweeter life is.

So as 2015 came up to greet us, I decided to change my hair again for this brand new year. I now have a two-tone kinda thing going on. I was going for white in my bangs, black the rest... it didn't quite turn out as anticipated because my hair is a stubborn jerk. But, it still turned out pretty awesome if I do say so.

So, it is an ongoing battle to make myself feel beautiful after losing what is considered such a vital component of a woman's beauty, so I'll do what I can to convince myself of my beauty. I will say though, that my chest is looking the best it has since it has post mastectomy. If and when I am ever able to scrounge up the funds to get a tattoo either covering my scars or at least near it, then I think I can be pretty content with it all.

I had been saving a Victoria's Secret gift card that was a gift from my parents for my birthday in 2012. They got it for me with the intention that I could purchase some brand new brassieres once I got my new foobies. A marvelous idea, really!

The problem is, I can't wear normal bras any more. I tried a few times... and they ride up or don't fit right in the front. My right side (which is my Barbie boob side), does not properly fill out a cup the way a normal breast does. That extra bit of skin makes all the difference, apparently.

So I have yet to go to a Nordstrom and get fitted by a specialist. I hear tell they even sell mastectomy bras! I do need to get my paws on some of those as I'm awfully tired of wearing my pseudo sports bras. Yeah they're comfy and stuff, but I want to feel like regular a lady, dang it!

As far as getting back in shape, Jason's new job has a fabulous discount on gym memberships so we went last Friday to get signed up. We were going to begin working out this past Monday, but I woke up with a pretty severe sinus infection. -_- If it's not one thing, it's another sometimes!

Ahhh well. I actually have a complementary personal trainer session that I've got scheduled for this Sunday morning. It was recommended to me so as to start out on the right path to recovering and improving my upper body strength, etc. So we'll see what she says, but I'm looking forward to it. 

I needs to get in shape because I am 100% going to be cosplaying as one of my favorite Walking Dead characters, Carol Peletier, to one or two conventions this year. ;) Yep, I'm that geeky that that's what motivates me. Haha! Hey, whatever works!

Besides, for anyone who may not watch TWD, she is a freaking amazing character. She has transformed the most over the seasons. She's a kick ass survivor, which I like to think is somewhat fitting. 

Oh! Another thing I don't want to forget mentioning before I wrap this post up; we made it to our Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure San Diego for the third year in a row. ^_^ Quite happy to have been able to be there! It's always such a fun and uplifting experience. I know I look forward to it each year. It's turned into such a fun annual family tradition.

Team Pwn Cancer 2014! My parents also came by to cheer us on and enjoy lunch altogether afterwards. <3 I already can't wait for the 2015 race!


That's all for now, m'blog! But, here's to a wonderful and blessed year ahead for us all! :)

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid of terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

We only get one shot at this

Hoohoo blog!

Much has gone on and much has changed since last I wrote... yet so much is still the same as well! 

My 2 year cancerversary came and went without much notice. Truthfully, I think I went to work as it were any other day. I didn't even realize it had been two years since my diagnosis until a few days later. Haha! I would like to think that's better than obsessing on it, but I should like to mark it a bit better from here out. I want to always appreciate each year -- each month -- each week -- each day -- each hour -- each minute -- each moment, that passes... 

 I know I'm something of a broken record on specific subjects, but they are SO precious. Not everyone is guaranteed tomorrow. A bit over two years ago, that fact became abundantly clear to me. Thus, I will be a better survivor (should I be blessed enough to celebrate my third cancerversary) and make a celebration out of it again next year. :)

Soooo, besides having an obliviously peaceful cancerversary, I did get through all my tests performed by my cardiologist. And you know what we discovered? Not a lot. We determined I'm extremely physically deconditioned. Say what?? I'm crazy out of shape. Go figure.

Had to wear this heart monitor for 48 hours straight. It got super itchy!

Happy to find out my ol' ticker isn't damaged from the cancer treatment, but really? All that to be told I'm out of shape? Lol! I could have saved us a lot of time and money!! Ah well. It stinks because I was in pretty decent shape before the shit hit the fan. ;) My cardiologist was at least nice about not making me feel guilty about it though. He explained that I have good reason for it happening since I had no choice but to take it easy and rest for the better part of the past year plus.

There is an unlikely chance that I might have developed late symptoms of radiation damage to my heart, as it can't always be detected on echocardiograms, but he says I have no other symptoms besides the rapid heart rate. Phew!

Personally, I'd rather not have trouble with my heart. I sort of need it, like, for living and stuff! ^_^

And guess who happens to be portacath-less now?!

Yep, it is no more! I'm still trying to get used to being without it. You don't appreciate normal until normal isn't an option anymore. Having that odd little plastic device living under my skin just beneath my collarbone was normal for a good long while.

So I was given the choice to have it done in the surgery center and be put under for it, or my surgeon could give me local anesthetic and remove it in the back room. I chose the latter of course, you know, because I'm Batman a bad ass. 

I learned that anesthetic really burns once it is injected. I also learned that there is absolutely nothing natural about hearing tearing and slicing sounds that you know are coming from your own body. Only a little unsettling... hahaha! My entire body was so tense I was shaking, sooo I was pretty excited when it was all done. Still took about 45 minutes, but at least Jason could be in the room with me. <3

And he got a picture of my port being held up like a trophy-fish after it had vacated my body!

Gross, I know -- sorry!

I recall being so against having the port put in originally. I didn't want another scar if I could help it. Strange as it sounds, it's one of my favorite ones. Jason informed me it's one of his faves too. There's something about it. I think it's because it's so recognizable. You see someone with that clean scar and you can probably safely assume that it was used for administering chemo. Something like a badge of courage.

If I was bolder, perhaps I'd share my other scars, but I don't know about all that. Although I respect and admire the survivors willing to bare theirs completely. With that, I can perfectly segue into this photo I found of a stunning mastectomy scar cover up tattoo. The size and placement is fairly close to what I dream of having. Assuming that skin can be tattooed.

Seriously gorgeous (and inspirational) mastectomy cover up tattoo.

I have yet to see my gynecologist again. I was so tied up with appointments last month that I spaced on the time of the appointment and missed it. I really need to reschedule... as I have some irregularities and concerns. And I still want to get the IUD.

 

The fuuuun never ceases! Lol, and I do now have a brand new PCP, so I need to get in to see her. I have a million things I want to bring up with her but I also want to push for a referral for the cosmetic surgeon I want. Praying that will all work out.

Christ has gotten me this far. I trust He will continue to see me through. No matter the stress or pain or fear I must face, He is there. There is always comfort in that, and I need to focus on that when things get hard.

And well, that's about all I have for now everybody! Thanks for taking the time to read! May the Lord bless you and I wish you all a beautiful weekend! Make sure to go love who you love, be happy and make some lovely memories. :)

"Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it." Luke 9:23-24 

Might not be a lot but I'm making the most

Well blog, seeing as I'm updating you less than a month since my last post, then you must know I come bearing news.

So I met with that plastic surgeon that my nurse navigator had heard of. That was one of the hardest days I had had in a long while on this journey. He took one brief glance at my chest and told me -- 

1.) I wouldn't be able to get tattooed there because the skin was far too thin.

and 2.) Simply having a smaller implant put in to replace my current one on the right side, was not going to be successful; therefore, it was not an option for me.

He went on to further deflate me by explaining my only option available would be either TRAM or latissimus dorsi flap surgery. Then, he explained that generally only plastic surgeons who do TRAM/lat flap surgeries on a regular basis are comfortable doing them. 

In other words, he was done dealing with me. I was too much of a hassle. If not, that's definitely the vibe I got off the experience. It was a $40 co-pay to be dismissed immediately. Frustrating as it was, it was eye opening.

I need a cosmetic surgeon who is going to be patient, kind and willing to help "fix" me. 

So begins another challenge. We are quite limited on the number of plastic surgeons covered by our insurance. There is one in particular, I have had recommended to me by multiple reliable sources that I'd really like to be able to see. So now Jason and I are working towards anything we can to try and make that happen. 

This doc I want, specializes in breast reconstruction. He's done a lot of the surgeries for women in the breast cancer support group I had been to before. I just feel God is pointing me towards seeing him. If that's true, I think this will all pan out the way we're hoping. Time shall tell. 

Even my general surgeon, Dr. Kushner, recommended this cosmetic surgeon to me. Speaking of Dr. Kushner! I saw him earlier this week about having my port removed FINALLY. He was concerned about the issue with my heart racing which I'll get back to, but I was able to schedule an appointment to have my port yanked.

I was given the choice to have it scheduled and done at the surgical center, or just done in the back room where his office is. Only difference is twilight sleep. I decided I'm okay not being put under for this. I still get local anesthetic, so it's not like I'll feel anything. I'll just look away when he's slicing and stuff. ;)

As for my heart, well, I did eventually get a phone call from my cardiologist's office. They said my blood work looked fine. No hyperthyroidism then or anemia. After being prompted by Dr. Kushner, I called and scheduled to get my echocardiogram. My cardiologist had another test he wanted me to get, so I scheduled that and a follow up as well. 

The other one is to monitor my natural heart rate for 3 days. So I have to wear a monitor and check in each day for that I guess? The fun never ends, you guys! Haha

Ah, I also finally made it in to see my gynecologist. I literally hadn't seen him since maybe a couple months after my original diagnosis. He was very relieved to see me alive and doing fine. I thanked him up and down for helping me move things along so quickly, since he was the one who confirmed further testing about the breast lump I had.

I should have seen him more recently, seeing as I'm more at risk for cervical/ovarian cancer as someone who has breast cancer. So I'm nervous about getting my pap results. Hopefully all is normal and well. I'm going back next week, to have a hormone-free IUD placed and he's going to do an ultrasound on my pelvic area.

As I said, the fun never ends! I still have more docs to visit after these ones too, but I don't want to think about that right now. Lol! But you know, I would take preventative maintenance appointments any day over a lot of other things.

Other than filling my weeks with as many doctor visits as I can manage, I've been working and napping and squeezing fun in here and there. 

Disneyland has been my life long happy-place/refuge, plus the hubby and I have a ton of sentimental  history as a couple attached to it as well. So we've had a chance to get back there a bit more recently. Not much more in life makes me happier than being there, nonetheless being there with him. :)

We can't afford to take a real vacation, so it's our next best thing. And I am blessed and grateful for it. <3

With the mention of expenses, I must bring up something I debated with myself whether or not to post about here.

Now, I try not to speak of our financial issues. Not for pride's sake, but because I never wanted to worry anyone. 

Before I go on, it should be said that we have received generosity and kindness from family, more than I ever feel we ever could have deserved, earlier on during this ordeal. That help was what kept us afloat. 

We are just about 2 years out since my DX. Treatment didn't end for me until May 2013, and my last surgery was in August 2013. We are still trying to pay off my radiation therapy. On top of that, my so-called routine testing, has a much heftier co-pay. Our specialists co-pay went up last year as well. 

You think if you're blessed enough to beat cancer, it's all sunshine and cupcakes afterwards. And in many ways, it is! But the upkeep to make sure you remain cancer free... the lasting side effects... the medical bills that never cease... 

It takes its toll. At the suggestion of one my dear friends, Stacey (she was a fellow Disney bride too!), Jason made an account for us on a medical fundraising website called Give Forward. The money donated, which I am shocked and humbled we've received as much as we have so far, is going to help us pay off our medical bills. 

https://www.giveforward.com/fundraiser/6q24/anj-s-breast-cancer-treatment

Please, by no means feel obligated... prayers are deeply appreciated, but if you're interested in donating to help us out, click HERE. 

I feel so strange asking for donations. I don't see how or why little ol' me would be any worthier than anyone else out there, but I do feel so immensely touched by the outpouring of loved ones sharing and donating. Not to forget those beautiful strangers who have as well! <3 I see Christ is alive and well in each of these kind souls.

I hope we'll be able to return the favor one day. By our Lord's grace and mercy, I know we will. 

Even with all our stressful money dealings, I can't complain. It could be so much worse. I am ever grateful for each day. I, very heartbreakingly, was slapped with this reminder when my friend and personal cancer-warrior-hero, Stan, lost his battle a few weeks ago.

His optimism and love is resounding. He was and shall ever be an inspiration to myself and many others. I never saw him whining about anything, ever. The guy had plenty cause, out of nearly everyone I've known, to complain too. He never did. He fought nearly without end for 3 years.

I aspire to be that way... although I'm sorry, Stan. I don't think I'm as saintly as you were. :) 

Stan with his lovely wife, Fatima

Rest peacefully Stan. May God bless you, my friend, and may He bless your courageous wife, my friend Fatima as well. Let us all be appreciative for our blessings, great and small.

That covers everything new in my little world.  I hope to have more to share, and hopefully all positive news at that, in the coming weeks. 

Wishing you all a marvelous March! God bless!

"Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful."  Colossians 3:15

 

I've got thick skin and an elastic heart

Oh blog... I had been meaning to update you a while ago, but now I have had too much going on that I feel it is necessary at this point.

As you may or may not recall, I spoke of my breast implants, their healing and some rippling in my last post. The creasing and rippling is much worse now. My right breast looks fantastic, while my left (the side which received the most intense radiation therapy) has not settled well.

I saw Dr. Mowlavi at the end of October and it was decided I would need to have another surgery to replace that implant with a slightly smaller one, and open up the pocket around the implant, plus that fat grafting. Not that I'm thrilled to require another surgery, but I felt some relief at the hope to fix this.

However, getting my surgery approved has been something of a nightmare. You see, my cosmetic surgeon's contract with our HMO group ended at the end of August. I guess a doctor though, in California, may request to continue care for a patient for up to a year following such a scenario. So my doc faxed and mailed a letter requesting simply that and giving particulars on what surgery he'd like to perform on me.

The doc's office told me to give them a few days and call to check up on the status of their decision. I called that Friday and it was still up in the air. The fellow I spoke with told me to try again on Monday or Tuesday. I did, and the decision was a resounding no. The reason? That my surgery was "not medically necessary".

I was in shock. I told the HMO representative that they had to be joking. I had received nothing short of stellar care during all my treatment under that HMO.

Their suggestion was that I could get the phone number of the new cosmetic surgeon I could use, or to file a grievance with our insurance company. I chose the latter.

I have had 2 successful and safe surgeries under my current doctor. Why on earth would I want some new doctor to come in at the end, who may have completely different methods, to finish up? That sounds like a bad idea to me. Besides, Dr. Mowlavi has worked on me enough to know what works and what doesn't for me. He also has experience seeing how I heal up.

It's just maddening.

I have done what I can do at this point though. I filed my grievance and now I sit around and wait to hear news. The HMO group has 30 days to reply.

My next surgery was put in the books for Novemeber 26th, but the likelihood of that being the actual date are slim.

Besides that, I had my follow up with Dr. Wagner, my chemo oncologist. I had my port flushed and blood drawn and he ordered an echo cardiogram and FINALLY, a PET/CT scan. I had to stick up for myself and let him know that I was quite eager to have it done though. Haha :)

Got a call yesterday that my blood work was normal with the exception of one of the tumor markers? I'm still not entirely sure what that means. I do know that the nurse told me a lot of doctors don't like to use them as they fluctuate too frequently, but that Dr. Wagner is extraordinarily cautious. So I was urged to get my scan done quickly and will likely be getting an ultrasound done on my ovaries next.

Once cancer has been introduced to your life, it sure keeps things annoyingly interesting! lol...

And I return full circle as always because all I can do is have faith and pray. Guess what Anj? It's still in God's hands! Nobody is given a guarantee on the length of their lives anyway. Each day is a fight to keep on surviving in one way or another. Some just have to fight a bit harder for it than others.

I'm blessed to be here at all so that I might continue to fight for daily survival.

But anyway... I forgot how very restricted your diet must be leading up to a PET/CT. No carbs, caffeine, sugar, milk, juice, fruit, etc. for 24 hours prior. Nothing but water and meat mostly. Some veggies are acceptable. I ate a couple of eggs for breakfast, but as lunch time approaches I'm at a loss. Lol! At least we have dinner figured out.

No eating for 6 hours prior to the scan  as well. So, if it's anything like last time, my stomach will begin to eat itself by the time we leave the hospital! Haha.

You know, I found out whilst scheduling my scan that I haven't had a PET/CT since the March 2012 when I was diagnosed.  That seems crazy to me. And a little scary.

Obviously I'm nervous. I want and pray and hope for nothing but good news.

Aaaaand I'm awful at segues, sooo in other news --

A couple weekends ago my hubby Jason, my best friend Shalya, my mommy-in-law Violet, (might as well be) pops-in-law Andrew, my sissy-in-law Briana, my bro-in-law Adam and their son, our nephew, Gavin and I all went down to San Diego for the annual Race for the Cure. We stayed the Saturday before the race at this gorgeous hotel originally built in 1926. Its location could not have been more perfect either. It was literally right across the street from Balboa Park where the race begins.

That Saturday night we all just hung out and drank some adult beverages. Hehe. At one point a group went down to pick up some tasty Mexican food from a restaurant that was close by. It was just really pleasant and relaxing.

The race itself was over in a blink. I got to walk in the survivor parade in the 0-1 year group - YAY! And the weather was just phenomenal. In the high 60s and cloudy. The best part? This year I was able the walk the entire thing!! Hey, it doesn't sound cool unless you picture yourself being unable to walk it a year ago because you were in a wheelchair. :P Haha

The whole Pwn Cancer team! :D

We just thought these guys were awesome!

It was another beautifully heartwarming and humbling experience for me. I look forward to this being an annual tradition, so long as I've got willing company to go with me! ;)

Sadly that was Shalysa's last weekend locally too, so I was deeply appreciative she wanted to be there and share her last couple days with us! Hoping she had as much fun as I did!

I also have some more bad news, but it IS followed with good news!

After a lot of discussion and soulsearching, Jason and I decided our sweet little chinchilla needed to be rehomed. She had been getting a declining amount of attention and she deserved much more. She was adorable and precious, so wanted her to go to a good home. At first we considered selling her on Craigslist. But I was skeptical on the sort of people we would get interested in her from there.

So we did some research and found a lady who has a chinchilla rescue in the area. Nice lady who has been a vet for years. Through her, she connected us with a very kind young lady who had filled out an adoption form and was interested in adopting our chin.

As it turned out, she came to visit and meet her, and it seemed like a destined match. I was much happier letting her go knowing she'd go to a home who really wants her and will take good care of her. ^_^

Miss that face, but she's in great hands now.

Now for the good news! We knew we wanted a pet that we wouldn't have to keep cooped up in a cage. One that could be with us, living besides us. So we decided to get a kitten! Anyone who knows me will know that that's a no-brainer as I love kitties with a passion.

We did some searching at a few different adoption events last weekend, and fell in love with a lovely little black and white maine coon mix. She's 19 weeks now and was actually an orphan when she was rescued. :( Poor baby! But she'll have a great life with us and plenty of love now. She is such a cuddlebug and I love it.

Oh yeah, her name is Michonne! (Any Walking Dead fan will approve)

That's all the latest I have to share for now! Thanks for reading, God bless you all! May you have a wonderful rest of your week. :3

 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."    Romans 15:13

If you want to survive

Guess which breast cancer survivor happens to be upon her 1 year cancerfreeaversary today?!

Yep, that's right... this Anj!!

In my head, that's when I started to consider myself a survivor. Odd truly, but my logic is that I had now survived cancer, as in, it is no longer living inside me. Therefore, I became a survivor. I think if I'm honest though, a cancer survivor is born the moment they decide to fight their disease.

So I was looking at today and thinking, "Woo! I'm a 1 year cancer survivor!". And it hit me. I'm more of a 1 and 1/2+ year survivor. But enough of that! I'm rambling and splitting hairs. Haha

In the moments before my bilateral mastectomy (I was petrified).

What I do know is I am over the moon to be where I am today versus a year ago. I was probably just waking up at this time from my delayed, lengthy surgery. That anesthesia was not kind to me. My recollection of that evening is hazy but I do recall it being one of the worst of my life.

Everything gets better with time, so although I remember that much, I remind myself that it was a small price to pay. My heart will forever be overflowing with gratitude to all the medical staff who made my surgery successful, along with the nurses who took care of me post surgery and everyone who was there to show their support for me that day.

Especially Jason. He was nothing but the epitome of what a loving, gentle, caring husband should and could be at that time. He made sure I had everything and then some the entire time I was recovering. He would timely fetch my meds for me, bathed me, cooked, did all the housework, did everything I couldn't do aside from that (which was a lot), made sure I was as comfortable as could be 24/7, chauffeured me, soothed me, etc. etc. etc...

But my most favorite exemplary moment of his patient/loving caretaking, silly as it may seem, occurred when I was sick to death of wearing the deep vein thrombosis prevention stockings for days on end after my surgery. He was given the okay to take them off for me. My legs were really itchy, so he scratched them for me and then tenderly massaged baby powder on them for me. You gotta reeeeaaally love someone to rub their sweaty, prickly, unwashed-in-a-hospital-bed-for-days' leggies without hesitation. And my fella did! ^_~ haha

In seriousness, he's wonderful and it's frequently overlooked how much the caretaker is effected by the disease. It may not be that they are going through it, but in reality, they are. It's just not physically happening to them. In some ways I feel that may even be harder. For me, I would be excellent at taking care of my hubby if the situation were reversed, but it would be terrible for ME. I would very likely collapse in on myself due to worry over him. 

I'm much braver handling stuff that happens to me because, y'know... it's just me. So whatever. No big deal. Lol! It's like that thing where people say you can hurt them, but don't hurt blankety-blank. I'm totally like that. You can insult me, but if you hurt anyone I love then it's so much worse than it could ever be happening directly to me.

Getting back on track, my husband is a huge blessing in my life. It hasn't been easy, this brush with the terrible C, but God has seen us through everything and shall continue to. And if we can conquer and come out on the other side of this together, we can do just about damn near anything. I lurve you, Beeyah!

Anywaaay, I say it before and I say it again: God is good. A year later and I'm still here. A small yet steep challenge that any cancer patient can appreciate. I take no credit though. It was all by my Lord's mercy that I'm still around to tell my tale. ;)

October 10th also happens to be my Mom's birthday! And she selflessly spent the day in the hospital waiting room last year, so I was happy to be able to celebrate both meanings for this day to be celebrated with her and my Dad!

We dorkily went to a crappy pumpkin patch today and then some "old world" village place in Huntington Beach. Had some amazing German food and beer there to celebrate. It was fun and I always enjoy the weird little adventures my parents and I have. I kind of love them both. A LOT. :)

As for new news, my foobies are continuing to heal nicely. As they settle, I am seeing some rippling in my skin around the implants though. Must be why I'll need that bit of "sculpting" my doc had mentioned before. Of course I have to be patient as that won't happen 'til my next appointment later this month.

I have officially thrown in the towel on being able to participate in the Komen 3-Day. :(  I'm terribly disappointed in myself, but I didn't put enough effort into raising the funds I needed to. Logically, I don't think I'd be physically prepared for it anyway. We'll try another year, I'm sure.

We are, however, doing the Race for the Cure in San Diego again this year! It was a most grand experience last year and I'm thrilled to be doing it once again. I don't expect any of you reading this to donate since I've already hit you up for our 3-day stuff, but if any of you are feeling generous for a good cause: click me for our team page!

I try my best to remain positive. Like. ALWAYS.

Some days I find I have less energy for maintaining the positivity needed to keep me upbeat. Self image, naturally, is on my list of things that I beat myself up over. Ironically, it does come after the annoyance I have with my post-cancer-treatment body; the easy onset fatigue, my inability to sleep through to night, random mini hot flashes, etc. etc.

Oh guys, I know they're really nothing since these little vexations are in trade for being given back my life. I do know this. It's never far from my mind. I know each breath is borrowed... but I do feel it's important that I address the realness of my survival. All aspects of it. That would include the dark moments as well. So please bear with me when I do.

There's a sadness that comes over me if I spend too much time in front of the mirror. My breasts, while they are a vast improvement over the expanders, do not look the way I envisioned. I don't know what miracle I was expecting. They're not real breasts. They're not MY breasts. So that can't look or feel the way they did.

The missing nipple on my right is probably the toughest for me, odd as that may seem. It's not like I need it. Even if Jason and I decide to have a baby down the road, the breastfeeding card is off the table completely, so it's not necessary. I guess it's just further demonstration that I am missing part of what makes me a woman on the outside. Sort of a slap to the ego.

I never thought these would be issues I would have ever needed to worry myself with. Especially not this early in my life, if ever. My self-image issues run deep. They always have. I have never considered myself a pretty girl. Even when I was in shape, it wasn't enough. This is only an extension.

At least I'm plenty confident in the kind of person I am. I know who I am and I'm proud to be who I am. That's my one redeemer when I'm down on how I look.  And I suppose it's a decent redeemer because I am awesome and stuff. Or so I tells myself! 

And that'll do me for now, guys! Thank you for reading to those of you doing so! :) 

May you all have a most blessed and super fantastic weekend.

"So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness" Colossians 2:6-7