I have a will for survival

Happy 2015 blog! Has it really been 7 months since I last updated?! Oh how time flies!

Let's see... there hasn't especially been a whole lot to fill everyone in on up until much more recently. That's probably why I've been so quiet leading up to this point. My biggest news concerning my health is that I had my most recent check up with my oncologist back in November, and he then had me go for my yearly PET/CT scan.

Major bruising from vein infiltration from the IV... ahh, fun times!

I went for my scan, and well, good news first -- there was no sign of metastatic disease!

The less good news -- they found an ovarian cyst about 3.4cm on my left side.

He put in an authorization for me to have an ultrasound done to rule out it being cancerous. I went and had that exam in December. When I heard back from my doctor, I didn't really get a solid answer one way or another. I didn't get an "oh, it's a typical, benign looking cyst" or "it's suspicious, we need to check it out immediately".

The radiologist who read my images just thought I should have the exam repeated in 4-6 weeks to see what's going on. One thing positive is that on the PET it showed as being 3.4cm, and my ultrasound showed it being 2.9cm. It had shrunk a bit.

However, it was not a simple cyst. Instead, the docs were thinking more likely a complex hemorrhagic cyst. Fancy-talk for a blood filled cyst. Gross, I know.

So upon their recommendation for me to have the repeat done in 4-6 weeks, which I did the first week of January. The results from that were that the cyst on my left ovary had resolved! Woohoo! BUT, I now have a small cyst on my right ovary. Argh.

With the left ovarian cyst, I had been quietly having pain on the left side of my pelvis for a few months, actually. I didn't even think much about it. Figured it was weird period-related junk. I mean, women are freaking complicated, what with all our crazy reproductive organs and what not! lol

And as a matter of fact, I think the way that cyst "resolved" was by rupturing. Several weekends ago, I had some intense pain and breakthough bleeding. Ended in a couple days, but I was nervous about it. 

So now, I'll hope and pray this new cyst is no big deal and resolves on its own as well. Just have to wait and trust our Lord once again. :3

So in non-health related Anj-news, since I have settled nicely into my lovely little office job, I made the plunge into being an owner of vivid, colorful hair. I had been wanting to do dye it violet/purple for years and there's nothing like facing your mortality to make you realize, "why the heck not??".

Yours truly during the nearly 6 month duration of my violet-hair.

Of course, it may seem silly for a lady in her late twenties to do such a thing, but you know something? I don't care! I've always wanted crazy hair and most recently I had wanted beautiful purple hair, so why not? I totally know I have a problem with repeating myself, but cancer changes your world. It changed mine for the better in most ways. Things I would be too timid or frightened to do before, I say to hell with it and do it anyway! 

I mean, God's got this anyway. My life was never fully in MY control to begin with, so why not live as happily as I can while I have life left to live? You learn so many things along the way when you have this outlook. 

Now, does this mean I would be willing to duck into a just any back alley, weirdo ethnic restaurant and eat the strangest item on the menu? Pfft, noway, I'm not THAT adventurous. However, I would be willing to do it if I thought it might make me happy. :) 

One of the other lessons I have learned is that the more I don't give an eff what random other people think of me (and focus only on my happiness and my love ones' opinions are) the sweeter life is.

So as 2015 came up to greet us, I decided to change my hair again for this brand new year. I now have a two-tone kinda thing going on. I was going for white in my bangs, black the rest... it didn't quite turn out as anticipated because my hair is a stubborn jerk. But, it still turned out pretty awesome if I do say so.

So, it is an ongoing battle to make myself feel beautiful after losing what is considered such a vital component of a woman's beauty, so I'll do what I can to convince myself of my beauty. I will say though, that my chest is looking the best it has since it has post mastectomy. If and when I am ever able to scrounge up the funds to get a tattoo either covering my scars or at least near it, then I think I can be pretty content with it all.

I had been saving a Victoria's Secret gift card that was a gift from my parents for my birthday in 2012. They got it for me with the intention that I could purchase some brand new brassieres once I got my new foobies. A marvelous idea, really!

The problem is, I can't wear normal bras any more. I tried a few times... and they ride up or don't fit right in the front. My right side (which is my Barbie boob side), does not properly fill out a cup the way a normal breast does. That extra bit of skin makes all the difference, apparently.

So I have yet to go to a Nordstrom and get fitted by a specialist. I hear tell they even sell mastectomy bras! I do need to get my paws on some of those as I'm awfully tired of wearing my pseudo sports bras. Yeah they're comfy and stuff, but I want to feel like regular a lady, dang it!

As far as getting back in shape, Jason's new job has a fabulous discount on gym memberships so we went last Friday to get signed up. We were going to begin working out this past Monday, but I woke up with a pretty severe sinus infection. -_- If it's not one thing, it's another sometimes!

Ahhh well. I actually have a complementary personal trainer session that I've got scheduled for this Sunday morning. It was recommended to me so as to start out on the right path to recovering and improving my upper body strength, etc. So we'll see what she says, but I'm looking forward to it. 

I needs to get in shape because I am 100% going to be cosplaying as one of my favorite Walking Dead characters, Carol Peletier, to one or two conventions this year. ;) Yep, I'm that geeky that that's what motivates me. Haha! Hey, whatever works!

Besides, for anyone who may not watch TWD, she is a freaking amazing character. She has transformed the most over the seasons. She's a kick ass survivor, which I like to think is somewhat fitting. 

Oh! Another thing I don't want to forget mentioning before I wrap this post up; we made it to our Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure San Diego for the third year in a row. ^_^ Quite happy to have been able to be there! It's always such a fun and uplifting experience. I know I look forward to it each year. It's turned into such a fun annual family tradition.

Team Pwn Cancer 2014! My parents also came by to cheer us on and enjoy lunch altogether afterwards. <3 I already can't wait for the 2015 race!


That's all for now, m'blog! But, here's to a wonderful and blessed year ahead for us all! :)

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid of terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

Catching my breath

Between work, my daily radiation treatment, therapy appointments and my overall fatigue... I find it hard to squeeze time to write a blog post! So I do apologize once again for my recent silence, but I assure you that as a general rule of thumb, no news is (mostly) good news!

This time that good news happens to be that I have not had any hiccups with my treatment this go 'round! Sounds like a small victory, which it is, but I'm totally psyched to not run into any further trouble so far.

And better news yet than that? This is my LAST week of radiation treatment! Yeeeaaah!

Since I'm wrapping up with this whole chapter of my cancer journey, I figured some of you might be interested to see where and what gives me my treatment!

First up is the machine that administered my first 31 doses of radiation. I'd lie down on the table, put my right arm up in that cup-looking-thingy and the machine would spin around me. It was a bit on the older side and rather clunky, so with the approval of my radiation tech, I named it Bessie.

My rads tech Brian photobombed this pic of Bessie for me.

Now that I'm receiving the "boost" portion of my treatment, I've graduated to a different room and machine! It's really more of the same with the exception of that cube extension. See the cut out on it? That's my tailor made cookie cut out to seclude the radiation to the scar on my right breast.

Kinda nifty right? Since this machine is newer, quieter and slightly sleeker while still being on the large side... I decided to name her Dolores. I have my reasons. :D

I didn't ask Brian to photobomb this time. :P

So I'll finally be able to sort of feel like less of a cancer patient when I'm done with this treatment.

I know I'll still have medical obligations to maintain, but it will be far less demanding. I will no longer have a DAILY reminder of everything. That by itself exhausts me. It's not like I'm going to forget I had cancer. So having to go to the parking lot of the hospital where I had my breasts removed and then receive my radiation at a place where I am once again the youngest person being treated Monday through Friday? Yeah, not so bueno! A little tough to swallow some days.

And I get so upset with myself over my fatigue. Thankfully, one of my therapists (I'll get back to that!) used an analogy to help me understand and cope with it better though.

She said I need to think of an infant. Babies sleep and they sleep A LOT. Why? Because they're growing right? This means they have a bazillion cells dividing and multiplying. Cancer patients who have had the typical combo of chemo and radiation have had many cells, both good and hopefully mostly bad, destroyed. So know what happens next? We gotta regrow those suckers! Makes sense, but I never thought of it that way.

I try to have more patience with my poor tired body as a result now. :)

Back to the talk of therapy! Haha. Well, I've been seeing my counselor individually for about a couple months now. It's beneficial, but I'm hoping to get even more out of it with time. Now, Jason and I started marriage counseling a few weeks ago. My therapist recommended the person we're seeing and she's fabulous. Looking forward to all the positivity that will come from the help we're/I am getting.

Speaking of Jason and I as a couple! Today marks the day we started dating, which was six years ago. We've been together ever since! Pretty unbelievable. Seems like so much shorter and so much longer all at the same time. I don't mention often enough how blessed and grateful I am for him. It's been a really trying year + for us both individually and together. But you know what? We've weathered the storm and we're still very much in love. I feel like we can only grow in our marriage even more from here on out. 

God saw us through some very heavy stuff. Now we need to realize that the worst is behind us. Time to get back to enjoying our life together. And time, especially, to celebrate! 

On top of being together for 6 years, our 3rd wedding anniversary is a week from today! That plus my final radiation treatment? I think that calls for some celebration! <3 

May 8, 2010 - right after we got hitched! <3

Anyway, I just want to thank my sweet sweet husband for standing beside me. For continuing to love me and continuing to find me beautiful, despite what I think of myself. For caring for me when I couldn't care for myself. For taking on the burden of this journey and not running away. For supporting me in so many ways even when it was hard for him to support himself.

I love you Jason. I thank the Lord for you every day and I will for the rest of my days.

Let's see... other than lots of lurve and work and an end to treatment being within sight? Planning and trying to train a bit for the Susan G. Komen 3 Day! Got my shoes for the walk! Pricey, but well worth it if it saves me from injury. They are insanely comfy. 

I went to this walking/running specialty store called Roadrunner Sports to get them. They're a partner with Susan G. Komen for the events so I thought it'd be a good place to start. They did this whole crazy assessment process where they recorded my feet as I walked on a treadmill, measured my feet, etc. etc.

Apparently I have very high arches and over pronate on my right foot. Who knew? I sure as hell didn't. Lol! However, I'm glad to know before I walk 60 miles over the course of three 

 days!

My hair is growing in nicely. It is NOT nice to tame though. These curls are seriously cray-cray. I can't decide if I want to bear with it and allow it to grow or whether to cut it into some amazeballs, kick ass short style. 

All I will say is thank God for thick stretchy cloth headbands and hair products to soothe my twisty locks of pure insanity. Regardless, here is my current hair progression:

This is what a barista-mode-Anj looks like.

Aaaand that does it for now folks! I shall leave you all with my song of the moment.

God bless you all. I hope you have a wonderful day/week/month ahead of you. Always always remember to enjoy every minute of it. Yes, even weekdays and chores and other obligations. ;) They're all blessings you know, even if not in the most obvious of ways.

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails"  Proverbs 19:21

Here in the power of Christ I'll stand

This post is a week and some change late as I had intended to post on my genuine cancerversary (March 20th). However, life and my unrelenting will to procrastinate interfered with that happening. Haha

A fair amount has occurred since my last post! I've had a couple more breast revisions; one not so successful and the other one quite successful. THANK YOU GOD! 

It'd been a nightmare how the revise would look great until after my sutures were removed. Then after showering, I'd spring a leak. So the last time it was done, we thought a new direction would be best. So he removed some saline from my expander and then patched me back up with only internal sutures that would dissolve. 

I got the final okay after another long 11 days, and then I was able to go back to see my radiation oncologist and got the okay to continue treatment finally after my 2+ month hiatus. Got rescanned and all that good stuff. Then I had to wait to get the phone call for my dry run to finalize my reformed treatment plan. Got that call yesterday afternoon. Looks like Monday I'll be doing that. Hopefully that means I'll be back to a regular treatment plan starting Tuesday!

In other new news is that Jason got a job promotion, which is fantastic and with such perfect timing! We can really seriously use the extra income what with all the medical bills we still need to pay. I'm so ridiculously proud of him!! :D Way to go, beeyah!

Jason and I also made the commitment recently to sign up for the Susan G. Komen 3-Day in San Diego! I cannot wait. It'll be a great experience and a fabulous reason to need to get in good shape. I mean seriously, walking 20 miles each day for 3 days in a row? That's pretty brutal! I'm pumped about it. Truthfully, I'm more concerned about the fundraising aspect of this commitment. 

If any of you reading this are able to donate even just $1, I'd be extremely grateful. It might not seem like much but it all adds up. And the donations received will go towards further research in finding a cure and helping women/men with getting proper testing and treatment.

If you'd like to donate to our team, CLICK HERE. ;)

So beyond the good cause and all that, this is a challenge I feel I want... no, I NEED to conquer. Nothing to me says "eff you" to cancer more than walking in support of a cause to end it as a survivor. It's like, HEY CANCER! I pwned you and now I fully intend on pwning yo mama too. Haha.

Our team, by the way, earned its namesake by way of honoring my lonely scarred Barbie-boob. We are... 

Please please pleeeease consider donating to our team.

Yep! Originally we were going to be Team Frankenbooby, but I found that to be way too typical. We had to geek it up. Since it's sort of a quest and all, and happily not to a mountain of doom (although we are trying to save people fighting for their lives against their own mountains of doom!). lol

Back to the hot topic, my cancerversary! 

It's hard to swallow that it's already been a year since I was given that dreadful, life changing news. Even though you're reassured you'll make it through and that it's not a death sentence, I find it miraculous to be here a year later. And I didn't expect to be blessed enough to say I was cancer-free by this point yet either. In fact, I've technically been cancer-free for 6 months.

Now that's just madness! My gratitude never diminishes. Some days I feel it more intensely than others, but it's always there. This is the Lord's work. It was through His love and healing that I am here. I will never forget or take that for granted. If anything, I'm still troubled by what I'm meant to do with this extension on living I was given. For now, I'll keep on praying until I am enlightened on how I can better serve Him in this world. If I'm meant to be here, I want to make the most of it after all. ^_^

Which is another thing often on my mind. I want to experience like. ALL THE THINGS. Hahaha! No, I mean, I want to live life to the fullest and then have enough left over for a whole other cup full of living. Don't worry dear readers. Nothing too cray cray. I just want to have many lovely times ahead of me. When I have gone and left this earth, I want everyone who loved me to have lots of memories of me to think of and smile about.

That said, I already have several tattoos I know I'll be getting as soon as I'm able. One will be a cross and/or some scripture. Another will be a pink ribbon. Lastly, I finally have it in my head what I'd like to have tattooed over my right breast once I'm all done with radiation.

Everybody who knows me is well aware of how much I adore Disney stuffs. I'm also a big big fan of Alice in Wonderland in pretty much any form. I love the book, the Disney movie, video games based on it, etc. So I had the idea that I wanted some floral design covering part of that breast and have it extend down my right side a bit. Weeell, that is what I want, but it's going to be the flowers comprising the Disney's "Golden Afternoon" scene from the film.

It's geeky, I know. But I think it's perfect for me. Besides, I totally want a bread and butterfly to accompany said flowers!

That does it for now, e'rybody! May you all have a beautiful and blessed Easter. The Father gave His only son so we could live in His love and be free of sin. So enjoy the gift of life and create many reasons to smile this weekend. :)

"For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." Isaiah 41:13

Life is way too short to take it slow

Has it really been nearly a month since my last post? Incredible how quickly time flies when you're on the go (and not sitting on your butt at home while recovering from surgery!). 

Before I get into everything else, I absolutely have to mention my SIL Marylou and friend Denise doing the Susan G. Komen 3-Day for the Cure. They were Team Anj, and raised their minimum and then some! For those unaware, the 3-Day is a commitment to raise at least $2300 prior to walking, and then when the time comes, walking 60 miles. It's a beautiful thing. Such great passion and love goes into simply making the commitment to do all that. 

I had the pleasure of being there for the closing ceremonies to cheer on all these wonderful men and women on, but specifically to cheer on and show my appreciation to Marylou and Denise. I was in tears during the closing ceremony. It was truly beautiful. I felt honored to be there and have walkers that were walking because of me. 

Jason and I were beyond inspired by the event, and Lord willing, intend to do the San Diego 3-Day together in 2013. Since it's not until November, I think I have a pretty damn good chance to be 100% done with everything by then.

More on that as it develops, folks! 

 

And now on with the rest!

I have been back to work since November 19th. It's been ridiculously nice to have some normalcy returned to me. While my perspective will never be the same on life, it feels amazing to return to work. It keeps my mind busy so I don't feel stuck dwelling on my survivorship, worries, etc. etc. 

Plus, my co-workers are such wonderful people! I missed them tons! Upon my first day back, I was greeted excitedly and with these -- 

And here I was worried that I would be thought of as a burden. Instead, my return was very warmly received. So thank you my Sbux peoples! You have no idea how much I needed that welcome, and how much it meant to receive it. 

I have been to several more doctor appointments. Surprise surpise! Haha. Most of them were with Dr. Mowlavi. Saw him to get my stitches from my right side removed. Returned again to get my right side filled up again. I got to be even chested for a while! Hooray! But then I went to see Dr. Young, my radiation oncologist, thinking I was getting my simulation scan done. She determined my left side was too full and needed some saline removed before I could get it done. Sigh! 

So back to Mowlavi I went. Got some saline taken out, and now I am back to my lopsidedness. Ho hum. I will just say this... not exactly a self esteem booster to have expanders in your chest anyway, but stretch out that skin and then remove some of the stuffing? Yeah. It looks way worse. Ah well though, I know it's necessary to get the best radiation treatment I can. 

Last Thursday I finally had my CT simulation in prep for my radiation. I got my first 2 tattoos now too! Haha. It looks exactly like someone took a pen and dotted me with it. Although my rads tech asked me, before tattooing me, whether I'd prefer a butterfly or a star. I told him I'd like a Mickey Mouse head if I got to choose. Lol ;3

And now? Oh now I wait. They say they'll call me to set up my next one. I'd be surprised if I end up starting radiation treatment before the holidays honestly. Which is fine. Of course I'm always eager to get the ball rolling, but you're hostage to doctors' schedules. And now I have my own schedule I must take into consideration with appointments too. 

Before my return to work, I had to figure out what to do with my hair. The pink had mostly melted away and I was left with a pink hued yellow blonde. It needed covering. So I thought what better time to try a different color! I took the opportunity to go with a red. :D I wasn't sure how I felt about it, but with all the compliments I've received... I may have to stick with it for a while! 

But to be an Anj is to never stay the same for too horribly long. I'm sort of a hair-chameleon in that way!

 The hubby and I got to go out last Friday night for the first time in quite some time. It was for his work's Christmas party, and formal attire was required. Anyone who knows me knows I love a good reason to dress up. I even love a less-than-good reason to dress up! ;)

 

It was a lot of fun, and I had the opportunity to meet a lot of great people I had been hearing of for a year plus and never met. Jason and I are blessed. We both work with some seriously lovely human beings. 

I wasn't scheduled to work the next day, but my buddy Carly lost her dad last week and they needed someone to help cover for her. I did the second half of her shift Saturday. That morning as I got ready, I put my cell phone in my back pocket as the pockets are too small to fit my phone in the front ones. I had to piddle before leaving, and as I was about to sit down, my iPhone slipped out and fell into the toilet. 

Mortified, I immediately stuck my hand in the potty water to retrieve it. Swearing like a sailor, I knew it was royally effed. I woke up Jason and told him what had happened. He assured me we'd get it fixed or replaced and told me to worry about getting to work. I went back to finish getting ready.

I said a simple prayer asking to be able to relax and not allow it to ruin my day. Guess what? After that, I felt better and was able to get through my shift. When I got back, Jason had already gone to the Apple store and managed to get me a new phone to replace my old one at NO cost to us. Praise God. I was biting my nails thinking of how much they'd charge us to replace it. 

Another mini miracle. :)  I'm grateful for it too! We have been struggling with the financial side of things since we're trying to get back on our feet with working regularly. Doesn't help when the hospital bills are unending.

In case I don't get a chance to post again until after the holidays, then I want to wish you all a blessed and joyous Christmas! 

And if I do write again before then... well, disregard that until I say it again! Lol. 

God bless you all! 

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds" James 1:2