What's happened and what's going on

Oh boy, well, it seems I will be making posts (as long as all is going well) in 7 month increments any more? Haha, sorry about that to any of you actually continuing to follow along! Please understand how deeply thankful I am for your concern for this little ol' Anj. It really does mean the world to me. <3

So, as I alluded to above, things seem to be going fine. Normal even. Well, as normal as normal can be after you have survived cancer.

My recent blood work has all been dandy. No abnormally elevated tumor markers or anything nasty like that, praise the Lord!

However, I can't shake the feeling that something isn't right. I am like, 90% sure it's all in my head, if I assess it from a logical standpoint. But in the times I have too much time on my hands to think, which gratefully are further and fewer apart now, I worry. Endlessly and possibly needlessly, but all the same, the fear is there.

I rarely sleep through the night anymore. Naturally, it would likely be easier to if I didn't have a rambunctious teenager-aged furbaby randomly yelling at me to play with her in the middle of the night... thanks for that, Michonne-kitty! ;)

"...who, me?!"

Yet, even when there is no good reason for me to wake up frequently, I still do. A good night's sleep for me these days is if I only happen to wake up between 1-3 times throughout the night. I suspect this change is thanks to Tamoxifen screwing with my hormones. Again though, that's only a suspicion. It's frustrating but not life destroying.

The constant fatigue though? I was reassured by several of my docs that this would disappear post-chemo a year or two. We're catching up on 2 years since I finished my chemo regimen, so we shall see how true that is.

From other articles and studies I have read, it can more often than not be a lifelong side effect. I have accepted this to be true at this point. This way, if this fatigue magically disappears within the near future, I will be quite pleasantly surprised won't I?

If this fatigue could be rectified with a simple nap, or going to bed earlier, then I would have no means for complaining whatsoever. On the contrary, I would be thrilled! Unfortunately, it's far too easy for me to reach the point of exhaustion that instantly puts you into tears and only slightly improves with an over abundance of rest. Let's put it this way, I can/could sleep solidly for 10+ hours and will have no trouble getting in an hour long nap later the same day.

This one affects me more directly. Often times I don't know how I will muster the energy to get through the work week. And booking two outings in one weekend? That's usually not a great idea for me. I simply don't have the energy. I feel at least twice my age on bad days.

Now, my heart feels guilty any time I gripe about the side effects of what helped to keep me alive. I pray God will have patience with me, and that you all will not think less of me. I only feel the need to explain specifically, so that those I love might better understand if I seem less involved at gatherings, etc. etc.

And once more I must remind myself to circle back to my appreciation for still being alive. Had things gone differently, I might not be. I would not have made it to see 30 if I hadn't found that lump in time. So, fatigued Anj can and will shut up and deal. Haha

Speaking of turning 30? I reached that back in May! Flippin' crazy. Jason took me to Napa Rose to celebrate the occasion, and we had the best meal and experience yet that we've had there! I ate some rare, like, limited edition salmon from the North West somewhere and Jason ate shrimp sausage, lol... among other yummy seafoods. Also tried a port wine for the first time! I have decided that I enjoy wine, but I reeeeaaally enjoy GOOD wine. As in the straight-from-Italy or France kinds!

Our desserts from Napa Rose. <3

Oh, and I know I brought up my intention to cosplay Carol Peletier from the Walking Dead in my last post! I have done it twice now! First time was sort of a bust, but it was more successful my second time around. First time was WonderCon back in April. Second was a few weeks ago at Walker Stalker Fan Fest San Diego. Heck, I even got interviewed by the OC Register because of my costume! Proud nerdgirl moment.

WonderCon 2015 Carol selfie.

And serious business season 5b Carol at WSFF San Diego 2015

Also, because of my adoration for the Walking Dead and specific desire to dress as Carol, I have met a group of awesome new friends! We all cosplay as Carol, and although it is private and by invite only, we have a little "secret" group called Carols United. <3

In fact, my dear pal Connor from our group came up with this fabulous idea for us to all have a shirt! He came up with the original design, and with his blessing, I created some new artwork and recreated his original design, just replacing the stock artwork with my own. I'm pretty proud of the outcome, and the back of our shirts all bare our individual hashtag Carol related nicknames. I'm #SurvivorCarol. :D

an Anj modelling said shirt.

So I have met and hung out a couple of times with Connor, Micha and Amelia (whom I all adore and appreciate greatly!) but everyone in our group is extremely friendly and supportive of one another. Geeks helping geeks. It's a beautiful thing! I hope to meet all of my Carols United friends in person eventually. <3

Me looking silly with the fabulous Amelia (carol-on.tumblr.com) at WonderCon 2015.

#FatCarol #ManCarol #SurvivorCarol <3 at WSFF San Diego 2015.

Moral of that story? You never know who or what or where life can take you! Haha. That super dorky interest of yours may lead you to meeting some potential lifelong friends!

Getting into Walker Stalker Fan Fest a bit more... now, we had held out hope that the event would lure some of the current Walking Dead cast over to Petco Park for the event. Likely due to contract restrictions, none did. Buuut, we did meet everyone we wanted to! We have a framed map of "Terminus" that lives in our living room that we brought with us and had our favorite former cast members sign. It's seriously bad ass.

Best thing on here? The "Welcome to" above Terminus that Andrew J. West (Gareth) wrote on there. 

I tried to change out of costume before our photo op, so it's not the best picture of me, but ZOMG HERSHEL!!

Sooo, I'm looking forward to dressing as this amazing character again soon! Don't know when just yet, but I'll be ready! But seriously, Carol's angelic hair is impossible to recreate!! That's the one thing I wish I could get down! Haha

Next fangirl goal? Meet the queen herself, Melissa McBride (the actress who plays Carol). I just want to hug her and thank her for putting her soul into such an inspirational and strong female character. I truly do identify with her. While I may not have had the same trials as her character, I have had to make tough choices just so I could keep on surviving.

You know something blog? I actually have an interesting story for you all in regards to my Walking Dead fandom. For those of you who are disinterested or unfamiliar with the show, it's totally cool if you skip past all this! It won't hurt my feelings. Haha

THUS, NOW IS STORY TIME!!!

Sorry Carol, I'm "these people" then. lol! Anyhow, season 1 of the Walking Dead premiered on Halloween 2010. Jason watched it live from day one. He followed along faithfully for the entire 6 episode first season run. I, on the other hand, have never before been a fan of gore in television or movies, and I have certainly never been a fan of the horror genre. However, my husband is. He loves horror stuff and especially zombie related stuff. So, while he had no familiarity with the Walking Dead comic prior to the tv show's debut, he was initially interested because of the whole zombie apocalypse aspect.

While he watched the show, I would often hear dialogue in the background. A few times it would catch my attention. One unusually touching moment for entertainment considered "horror" that convinced me it was more than just some zombie show, was from the pilot itself. The lead character Rick Grimes sees a woman who is now a sad shell of her former self and has turned long ago crawling towards him. He meets her eyes and says, "I'm sorry this happened to you", before he puts her down. I knew right there that it was a much different animal than I thought it was. 

Slowly as Jason rewatched the first season, I'd watch more here and there. When season 2 debuted, I was hooked and have been ever since. Now, my reason behind bringing this all up, is that it aligns with my cancer diagnosis and journey in some odd ways. 

I was recollecting with Jason recently about a particular moment that happened in the show, and how I realized we were in the apartment we're living in when it happened. I recalled my reaction in that moment, etc. Then it occurred to me. The season ended earlier than it normally would that year (in 2012) as it had several episodes fewer than it does anymore. The season finale for season 2 aired just two days before I received my diagnosis. Season 3 began just 4 days after my bilateral mastectomy and just 1 day after I was released from the hospital for it. 

Okay, I know... I'm being a dork seeing all these things aligning. And I totally am, but I think something about it ties it into my journey a little more personally. These characters are all doing their best to survive the most awful circumstances. They have everything and anything thrown at them. So you see them through all of their ups and downs. I think in some weird way, it has helped empower me and distract me from my own trials and issues. 

So I am indeed an uber fan... but I like to think there's some good reasoning behind it!

One final thing related to my fandom, yet unrelated - I'm still hoping to get my first tattoo this year. Maybe even two? My first will be my pink ribbon I've been wanting for the past 2 years, and now as a separate tattoo, I want to get my favorite quote of Carol's from the show along with a flower that represents her character. When though? Hmmm, sooner than later I hope! 

Other than all my fangirl business, I've just been trying to get through the work week like everyone else. I was doing really well with going to the gym with Jason for quite a few months there. Now it's more inconsistent on my part, as Jason was asked to change to an earlier work shift which makes for us needing to get to the gym even earlier.

I just have such a hard time getting up to get to the gym at 3:30am versus the 4am we were doing. I don't have to be to work until 8am (and I'm off at 5pm), so I'll try to rest for a bit before getting ready and out the door to work, but with my chronic fatigue, it just makes for an extremely long day for me. I'm trying though, and I shall continue to. That's better than nothing after all!

My next oncology appointment is in September, so we'll see if he decides to order my next scan or decides to wait longer. I always get antsy as my time for a scan approaches. I'll be sure to post an update either way after I see him. 

Weeell, and that's all I got for now folks! Thanks as always for taking the time to read my ramblings. God bless you all with a wonderful rest of your weekend. 

"But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness. " Psalm 86:15

Catching my breath

Between work, my daily radiation treatment, therapy appointments and my overall fatigue... I find it hard to squeeze time to write a blog post! So I do apologize once again for my recent silence, but I assure you that as a general rule of thumb, no news is (mostly) good news!

This time that good news happens to be that I have not had any hiccups with my treatment this go 'round! Sounds like a small victory, which it is, but I'm totally psyched to not run into any further trouble so far.

And better news yet than that? This is my LAST week of radiation treatment! Yeeeaaah!

Since I'm wrapping up with this whole chapter of my cancer journey, I figured some of you might be interested to see where and what gives me my treatment!

First up is the machine that administered my first 31 doses of radiation. I'd lie down on the table, put my right arm up in that cup-looking-thingy and the machine would spin around me. It was a bit on the older side and rather clunky, so with the approval of my radiation tech, I named it Bessie.

My rads tech Brian photobombed this pic of Bessie for me.

Now that I'm receiving the "boost" portion of my treatment, I've graduated to a different room and machine! It's really more of the same with the exception of that cube extension. See the cut out on it? That's my tailor made cookie cut out to seclude the radiation to the scar on my right breast.

Kinda nifty right? Since this machine is newer, quieter and slightly sleeker while still being on the large side... I decided to name her Dolores. I have my reasons. :D

I didn't ask Brian to photobomb this time. :P

So I'll finally be able to sort of feel like less of a cancer patient when I'm done with this treatment.

I know I'll still have medical obligations to maintain, but it will be far less demanding. I will no longer have a DAILY reminder of everything. That by itself exhausts me. It's not like I'm going to forget I had cancer. So having to go to the parking lot of the hospital where I had my breasts removed and then receive my radiation at a place where I am once again the youngest person being treated Monday through Friday? Yeah, not so bueno! A little tough to swallow some days.

And I get so upset with myself over my fatigue. Thankfully, one of my therapists (I'll get back to that!) used an analogy to help me understand and cope with it better though.

She said I need to think of an infant. Babies sleep and they sleep A LOT. Why? Because they're growing right? This means they have a bazillion cells dividing and multiplying. Cancer patients who have had the typical combo of chemo and radiation have had many cells, both good and hopefully mostly bad, destroyed. So know what happens next? We gotta regrow those suckers! Makes sense, but I never thought of it that way.

I try to have more patience with my poor tired body as a result now. :)

Back to the talk of therapy! Haha. Well, I've been seeing my counselor individually for about a couple months now. It's beneficial, but I'm hoping to get even more out of it with time. Now, Jason and I started marriage counseling a few weeks ago. My therapist recommended the person we're seeing and she's fabulous. Looking forward to all the positivity that will come from the help we're/I am getting.

Speaking of Jason and I as a couple! Today marks the day we started dating, which was six years ago. We've been together ever since! Pretty unbelievable. Seems like so much shorter and so much longer all at the same time. I don't mention often enough how blessed and grateful I am for him. It's been a really trying year + for us both individually and together. But you know what? We've weathered the storm and we're still very much in love. I feel like we can only grow in our marriage even more from here on out. 

God saw us through some very heavy stuff. Now we need to realize that the worst is behind us. Time to get back to enjoying our life together. And time, especially, to celebrate! 

On top of being together for 6 years, our 3rd wedding anniversary is a week from today! That plus my final radiation treatment? I think that calls for some celebration! <3 

May 8, 2010 - right after we got hitched! <3

Anyway, I just want to thank my sweet sweet husband for standing beside me. For continuing to love me and continuing to find me beautiful, despite what I think of myself. For caring for me when I couldn't care for myself. For taking on the burden of this journey and not running away. For supporting me in so many ways even when it was hard for him to support himself.

I love you Jason. I thank the Lord for you every day and I will for the rest of my days.

Let's see... other than lots of lurve and work and an end to treatment being within sight? Planning and trying to train a bit for the Susan G. Komen 3 Day! Got my shoes for the walk! Pricey, but well worth it if it saves me from injury. They are insanely comfy. 

I went to this walking/running specialty store called Roadrunner Sports to get them. They're a partner with Susan G. Komen for the events so I thought it'd be a good place to start. They did this whole crazy assessment process where they recorded my feet as I walked on a treadmill, measured my feet, etc. etc.

Apparently I have very high arches and over pronate on my right foot. Who knew? I sure as hell didn't. Lol! However, I'm glad to know before I walk 60 miles over the course of three 

 days!

My hair is growing in nicely. It is NOT nice to tame though. These curls are seriously cray-cray. I can't decide if I want to bear with it and allow it to grow or whether to cut it into some amazeballs, kick ass short style. 

All I will say is thank God for thick stretchy cloth headbands and hair products to soothe my twisty locks of pure insanity. Regardless, here is my current hair progression:

This is what a barista-mode-Anj looks like.

Aaaand that does it for now folks! I shall leave you all with my song of the moment.

God bless you all. I hope you have a wonderful day/week/month ahead of you. Always always remember to enjoy every minute of it. Yes, even weekdays and chores and other obligations. ;) They're all blessings you know, even if not in the most obvious of ways.

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails"  Proverbs 19:21

But that doesn't mean that I wasn't brave

Ah, hello again dear blog! Is it really time for our monthly rendezvous already? ;)

Since our last meeting, I have had a root canal, two more breast revisions and all four of my wisdom teeth removed (which I got dry socket from a traumatic extraction on my bottom left). So my oh my oh my. As you can tell, the fun never ends in the land of Anj! Haha.

In the midst of all this back and forth with my cosmetic surgeon and dentist, I also saw my oncologist. He had pegged me to be finished with radiation by the time my appointment had rolled around. He was a bit surprised.

Thankfully my visit with him had more to do with discussing my eventual start on hormone therapy (Tamoxifen) for the next 5 years. I can't say I'm thrilled about the prospect. To be frank, I'm pretty freaking terrified of it. My body has been through SO much and I've willingly done every treatment possible to prevent the C from returning... I have no plans to have a baby anytime soon either. I just don't get it.

Oh gosh, I realize it's all for the purpose of being preventative about prevention for preventing this from making a come back. I do, but it's got some wickedly scary side effects. Increased risks of endometrial cancer and thromboembolism are enough on their own to spook me. PLUS, the SSRI I've been taking to control my panic disorder for the past half a decade, is incompatible with it.

You reach the point where you look at the risks and simply say, "eff it". My body has already seen most of the worst it can have thrown at it to take care of this. Might as well finish out my outlined treatment plan. I gotta remember to trust God. It's all been in His hands anyway.

And speaking of, I suppose I should explain why I needed two more revisions to my breast since I last updated. Same damn issue each time. That weird random leaking occurred. So my radiation has been on hold ALL this time. I don't even get my stitches out again until next Monday. Praying so hard this will be the last revision that will be have been needed. I want to get this show back on the road!

So I've talked about my suffering body self image since my surgery, and I think it's finally time I found a therapist so I can discuss it along with everything else I've been through. You comprehend how heavy it all is as you're going through it, but you don't prepare yourself for the aftermath. I don't really see how one could either.

I simply keep on trying to do the best I can with all the heaviness I have weighing on my heart.

Oh, and bringing up the subject of doing the best I can... argh, this mop of curly hair I've got! Haha. Not everyone has their hair regrow as curly after chemo, so WHY me?! It frustrates me so! >_<

And all I hear is that I'm stuck with this new texture for at least 2 years. Maybe forever. Ah well, I shouldn't whine too horribly much. It is a vast improvement over no hair at all. Lol, it is tough though as I have no clue how to manage it. If you Google anything about "chemo curls", there's so little information too. I thought surely some other woman has put some tutorial or recommendation up on how to cope with it. No such luck!

I'll have to share my knowledge as I deal with it I suppose, so there can be something for some other poor unfortunate soul who will walk down this path and search for the same thing. 

Note the headband to hold back the chemo-fro with an attempt to make it look girly/fashionable.

I haven't decided whether to let it grow from here on out or if I want to let it grow a bit more and then get a neato haircut. Probably the latter. I'm not yet ready to grow my hair out and face the dreadful mullet that comes with growing out short short hair. Been there. Done that. Not looking forward to going there again. :P 

I was going to share a few photos to prove it, but after looking through them? Uhh, yeah, I'd really rather not. Haha

Other than visiting a doctor of some kind or another, just been busy with work and running other errands as needed for Jason and I. The fatigue persists, but I didn't expect that to disappear any time soon.

As cruddy as things look to me at times as I delve a little further into my survivorship, I remind myself that I am damn blessed to be here. My 1 year diagnosis anniversary is coming up this next month. Hard to believe that so much has happened in only a year. Frightening to think of where I'd be by this point if I hadn't caught it. Would I even be around?

So, I say it yet again, THANK YOU GOD! For better or worse, I'm happy to be alive. Life is not the same since. It won't and it can't be, but I'm glad to accept it with an open mind and heart. This is my path and I will tread on to wherever it may take me.

Appreciate you all reading. God bless and I hope you have a wonderful month of March ahead of you!

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" 2 Corinthians 5:17

Never ask why

Hey all! So I'm a little late, but Happy 2013!! Let's all make it a good one. Mine surely has to be an improvement over 2012. ;)

It's been a bit over a month since my last post and I figured it was time I give an update. Lord knows I'd been meaning to, but time has a way of getting away from me.

I began radiation on December 27th. All went well for the first week or two. Granted there happened to be technical difficulties on the radiation machines' behalf that meant I was unable to be treated a couple of days. On the 8th treatment is when I began having some issues. 

DISCLAIMER: This is pretty disgusting so please do not read the next 3-ish paragraphs if you get squeamish!

Ahem, that being said...

Radiotherapy is relatively painless. It has a list of side effects that may happen to your skin and I have been lucky to miss out on most of them so far. What it did cause me was some intense skin dryness on the treated area (my right breast specifically). Now, seeing as I am without a nipple on that side, and in its stead have a Sally-like scar where they had dispatched the dead skin where the nipple once lived, the skin became very taut along there. 

As I have learned over the past year, my body has this weird way of spitting out "dissolvable" stitches. Particularly little knots. Nasty, I know. I found this out from my port-a-cath placement procedure. Then it happened with the spots where I had been stitched up after my drains leftover from my bilateral mastectomy were removed. Lastly, it happened with my freshest stitch-up. After starting rads, my skin shrinkage came on quickly. This allowed for the leftover stitches to poke their way through my skin easier.

When they came out, I was left with small openings where they had been. I just figured time would heal it over and continued my treatment. Then one day after getting out of the shower, one of these openings began leaking fluid. -_- BLEH, right? So so so gross. I told my doc about it asap, she wanted to keep watch of it but didn't think it too serious. 

It stopped after a day. I was good for a week, and then it started up again. This time it wasn't stopping. So this meant an immediate halt to my rads. Had to set up to see my plastic surgeon to have him look it over. He then thought to remove some more saline from my right expander. He suspected it was sera serum coming from inflammation to the breast tissue from radiation. They took a culture and sent it to be checked just in case however.

Not long after the saline was taken out, the leaking quit again. Saw Dr. Young again, had her give the okay for me to resume treatment. Then I had to get the CT done again as guess what? The saline removal from my expander meant I'd had change in my breast. Yeah, so I had to have my treatment plan revamped. 

Arghhh! 

Haha, well I'm sure there was a good reason for this all to have happened the way it did. Good news is I'm back on track. Yesterday and today I got to go get treated as normal. 

I thought I was tired after settling back into working, and it's nothing compared to how I feel now. I almost cannot function in the early evening unless I take an hour nap at some point during the day. I guess my routine is reason enough to feel tired. Monday through Friday, I usually open at work. I get up at 3AM and start work at 4AM. Work between 4-6 hours, and then either go home and hang for a bit before going to radiation or go straight to it from work. 

So I spend probably something like an hour and a half to two hours just on driving to and from the places I need to be. That may not seem a lot, especially to those of you who commute daily, but for someone 3 months out from intense surgery, chemotherapy and currently undergoing radiotherapy, it's exhausting. Lol! As I spoke of before, my body still doesn't behave the way it did prior to all this. 

Small price to pay for an extension on my lifetime. :)

I've been trying to research ways to conquer the fatigue. Regular exercise is a common solution. So Jason and I are beginning kickboxing lessons together starting, hopefully, next week! I'm really excited about it. I'm praying it will help.

That's all my cancer related news for now! Other than going to appointments and treatment I've just been working. I can't tell you how pleasant it is to return to living world. I enjoy having minor dramas and concerns to deal with again. Haha.

And speaking of work, tomorrow will make it a year that I started at Starbucks. So crazy. 

All I will say is that God works in mysterious ways. 

Next Monday is the hubby's birthday, and this weekend we're going to celebrate. Going to see Ben Folds Five play in Los Angeles, spend the night out there and then hopefully do something neato in the area before we head home. I'm definitely looking forward to it! Birthdays are so special and I think I might even value them of the ones I love more than they do at this point. Lol, I'm grateful to be here to celebrate it with him is all.

Ahh, and of course our adorably precious Princess Chinsuela keeps me entertained with her antics too. That sweet little creature. I love her to pieces. I've taught her to highfive. Mhm, you heard me! 

Proof:

My sincerest thanks again to all who have asked about/prayed for/thought of me lately. I know I did a bit of a disappearing act. Normal-ish life does that to a person! And man oh man am I ever happy that's the reason why I haven't posted as of late!

Anyway, I hope you all have a lovely week and weekend to follow. I also hope you can spend it enjoying time with people (and critters) you love. ^_^

God bless.

 "For we walk by faith, not by sight"  2 Corinthians 5:7

Will you love me, even with my dark side?

Struggling. That word alone sums up just about everything I'm feeling right now.

I have been really sick with a wicked sinus infection since last Thursday. I've been on antibiotics since Friday afternoon (I went to urgent care immediately after work). I feel slightly better, but if my body was behaving "normally", I'd already have bounced back. 

I guess my immune system still isn't what it used to be. I called in sick today hoping this extra day would help me heal up so I can get back to work tomorrow. I'm really frustrated because I need to be working. I can't afford to miss work. Literally. 

Financially for us, it's been a trying month. So much so, I don't think we'll be able to do Christmas gifts for anyone. Not for each other, and not even for our sweet nieces and nephews. Breaks my heart that we can't. :(

My body, even while I'm not fighting a sinus infection, is not the same. I become so exhausted by work. I thought it was an initial sort of thing and once I got back in the swing it would disappear. Not so. I'm so drained by the end of my day. As you can all imagine, that's an annoyance as well.

I have also been having a lot of self image issues lately. Nobody would know it because I hate to admit weakness about what I feel should be a superfluous topic. But I am, and I have been. I try to make the best of what I have, but when I strip down and change, I see how mangled my body has become in less than a year. And I know It won't ever be the same.

Now I realize that I would not even be here had it not been for the trauma my body has been through. I'm not completely foolish. I just have my moments where I need to mourn the loss of how I was physically. I am a 27 year old woman after all. What woman in her 20s expects to lose both her breasts, a nipple and then be marred with scars?

I most certainly didn't. And I feel about as far from attractive or pretty as possible largely in thanks due to it. 

In the wake of the tragedy that happened at Sandy Hook Elementary on December 14th, another thought has been swimming in my head; that of survivor guilt. As ridiculous and insane and unrelated as that sounds, it's true. I have overwhelming guilt that I, someone who would not be alive at this moment without medical treatment, am alive and these sweet innocent children were taken. What makes me so special that I am permitted more time on Earth while these babies were not?

It's not secluded to that incident. It's a common feeling since officially obtaining survivor status. Such a maddening thing really. If I could do something to give back and truly make a difference with my existence then maybe I wouldn't feel this way so strongly.

Until then, I'm sure I will continue to. I trust that God has a plan, it's just tricky to be patient in order for it to be revealed.

I'm hoping and praying with all my heart that 2013 will bring a much happier year. That I will be able to resolve some of these issues I've been silently internalizing. I want change. It is often seen as a frightening thing, but I need some change. So I hope that it will also bring us change, and we will be better for it. 

Radiation will be starting very soon. I still believe it won't begin until after the holidays. But I went for my second prep appointment last week. I now have about 5 or 6 of those little pin dot tattoos. I need to get blood work done for them too, but that's really the only news I have regarding my treatment currently. 

My thanks to any and every one who actually reads through this post. It seems silly for me to complain when I have been given so much, however, we all need to vent sometimes. 

God bless you all.

"In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight"  Proverbs 3:6