Friday, July 6, 2012

Thanks for making me a fighter

Probably the first time I haven't written my blog on the day of my chemo! And for what reason was I delayed? None really. I was just procrastinating... haha.

Yesterday Jason got a break from taking me to chemo for the first time throughout this process. My mommy-in-law Violet took me. It was nice, truly. We talked the whole time and my infusion went by in a jiffy. I must be obtaining some sort of immunity to the Benadryl they pump me with as it only puts me in a fog now, rather than making me pass out. ;)

Chemo #9 - 5/12 of Taxol. Almost halfway through this regimen! Huzzah!

It's funny in an ironically pathetic sort of way when you become a "regular" at medical places. I walk in to my oncology office and expect the front people to know who I am and why I'm there. They have a new receptionist girl, and yesterday, she just stared at me blankly before asking what she could help me with. Ahh, newbies! Lol. It was packed in there too though. We actually had to wait in the waiting room until they took 2 other patients back before me.

So it was a full house in there, and someone else was in my usual chair! The nerve. :P At least they had another comfy chair left and I wasn't stuck with one of the stiff seats. Last week my nurse told me that my port had tipped. I had no idea what that meant so I asked her, and this time my port was perfectly positioned. Got in my IV right away and with little pain. That port is so the way to go if you have multiple treatments to go through.

A older gentleman sitting next to me was um, rather grumpy when he first walked in. He had it in his head that it was going to be unpleasant for him, and it was. They had trouble using his port-a-cath and it was painful, etc. I think your attitude and mind can really do a number on you. I try to go in there with my boxing gloves on. Like, "let's do this shit!". Haha, and I also think that's why I get through it without anxiety.

Getting back to this fellow; he went on asking every other patient who had a port what it was like for them. He finally got to me, and I told him it was painful and tight when it was first put in, but three weeks later it's not so bad. I tried to encourage him that it does get better. He just had his put in a week and a half ago. But he even had an ointment that helped numb the area before they stuck him for the IV and he said it was crazy painful. He asked if I had that stuff too, and I said, "Nah. They just shove that needle in". I think it made him feel like a baby because he quit talking to me after that. Oopsie! But if the shoe fits? Lol.

All this talk of my port, and my steristrips that were covering my incision finally came off completely today after I showered. It looks pretty clean, but kind of gnarly. It doesn't look like it sticks out, but if you touch it, there's no doubt I've got a weird contraption living under my skin there. >_> I can only imagine what my scars will be like after my double mast. Oh well. Makes me feel like a kick ass warrior-lady. These scars are all well earned, dammit!

Looks teeny, which it sort of is. About an 1 and 1/2 inches.

With my hair slowly growing back in, I realized I never bit the bullet and shared my nerdy bald head. So I took a photo yesterday that I feel may be the best I'll get of it, and I wanted to commemorate it before it's no longer really looking like bald (and more like a freaky downy baby duck or something).

That said, here it goes. Shield your eyes if necessary! It's a bald me, and I'm fairly certain my head will blind some of you from both its shiny and pale. Bwahaha!

At least my dome isn't misshapen!

I treated myself to some lovely new MAC makeup last week as my other makeup I'd been using was being sweat off way too easily. Stupid, stupid hot flashes. They are such a pain. So I decided to go in to the MAC store and tell them straight up that I was a cancer patient going through treatment presently and I needed some good stuff I wouldn't sweat off. They fulfilled my wish and then some. They even taught me how to draw on my eyebrows softer so they'd appear more natural. I needed a little confidence boost, and that helped.

I know I have spoken many times on here about how one simply cannot be the same after going through such a life altering experience as this, but I spend a lot of time pondering the concept deeply. It doesn't do well to regret, but I feel such a sense of regret for time I wasted in my young life. Fears held me back considerably. That will not ever be an issue for me again. Once I'm a survivor, I plan to live life fully. I want Jason and I to travel tons. I want us to enjoy as much time together as possible. Experience things we've never seen or done before. Make lots and lots of new beautiful memories to hold on to. :) Each day, each moment - they're gifts. I will not forget this.

Granted no one ever knows when their last day is, when you are told you have something like cancer, you face your mortality head on. Let's just say you learn to appreciate the little things. Even if you already did, you appreciate them with a renewed fervor. That's where I am.

 I count my blessings every single day. God is and has been good to me. My situation could be a bazillion times worse, and I am well aware of this. So I try my absolute best not to complain. It does me no good anyhow. Complaining breeds negativity and who needs more of that ever?

So, thanks cancer! I was tough before you... and I'll be a hell of a lot tougher after you. :D

Praying you all have a grand weekend and week to follow. Thanks for those of you who are continuing to follow along with me, and if you're new, then thanks to you as well! You're all well appreciated.

You all keep fighting the good fight too. Remember to always be the kind of person you want to meet.

"Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven."  Luke 6:37

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