Thursday, June 28, 2012

The road isn't always straight

Did I say last week was busy? HA! This week has been nearly nonstop as well... but not in the best of ways this time. :\

Last weekend the hubby and I went for a low-key/relaxing visit to his Mom's house. We just hung out with my MIL, her boyfriend, SIL and our nephew. Stuck my feet in the spa, got a pedi, ate some tasty food and took it easy. I still got so worn out simply from being out all weekend, but figured I'd be fine with some good rest.

When we got home Sunday afternoon, Jason and I relaxed some more. Around 9, he went to go lie down so he could get up for work in the morning. I watched some TV and tried to allow myself time to unwind. About 9:30pm, I noticed some discomfort in my chest on the left side underneath my breast. I thought maybe I had bumped my port-a-cath or something? So I just tried to shrug it off. I didn't go get in bed until nearly 11, and by then I had some shortness of breath and the pain wasn't dissapating.

I felt really guilty doing it, but I woke Jason up and told him my symptoms. I was legitimately really, really  frightened. I didn't know if my port was becoming infected, if it had shifted, if I was having lung or heart issues, etc. etc. etc. Not sure if I've mentioned it here before or not, but I also have a long history of dealing with panic disorder. It's controlled, but I still have attacks occasionally. And considering all I've been through in the past few months, I have dealt with more than I would like. So, what I'm trying to get at, is the fear of the pain I was experiencing put me into a panic attack.

So, yeah. Good times! Haha. After getting to the emergency room, I had to fill out some forms and wait my turn. They took my vitals, asked me some questions and then semi admitted me to a room. More waiting, see the doctor, then more waiting for tests. Had a chest x-ray and an EKG done on me. Wait again for results. Find out all looks okay (as far as my heart and lungs go), and then got discharged at approximately 3am. I hadn't slept yet, and poor hubby only had been asleep an hour or two. It was a long night.

I finally slept with some peace of mind once we returned home. I had an appointment to see one of my surgeon's nurses to check out how my port was healing on Monday. I flew solo to that one, as Jason was still exhausted and sick of driving to the hospital (I don't blame him for one second). She knew all about my ER visit and questioned me on it. She said that while my lungs and heart looked okay, in the report on the x-ray, they didn't mention anything about my port-a-cath placement.

She called Dr. Kushner and asked him what he wanted to do about it, as I was still feeling discomfort and burning intermittently. He was in the middle of something with a patient but said he'd look over my chest x-ray to see whether it could be caused by the port placement or something related to it as soon as he could. Nurse said she'd call me once he had and give me the next step to take, if any. That was that and I was sent on my way. As I walked back to my car, I was feeling the burning pretty intensely and was short of breath. I was convinced this wasn't quite right, but I started for home.

Naturally, as I was maybe 2 minutes from home she called me. When I listened to the voicemail, she instructed I return to the hospital ASAP, as in like, NOW. I guess it was iffy enough that Dr. Kushner wanted me to get a port check radiology test. They basically put me on a table with an x-ray machine, injected some contrast dye into my port and watch for leaks, if it's flowing properly, and where the fluid is going live.

All looked beautiful! Hooray! So, port was immediately ruled out as the cause of my discomfort. My surgeon happened to be working at the hospital while I was there, so he even popped in and watched them do it. He then asked me a bunch of questions. He was still concerned, so he requested an order for a CAT scan on my chest.

Sooo, back down to the radiology office again. I had to wait for them to have an opening in between patients as it was spur of the moment. Once they got me in, it was fast. But here's the deal. For PET/CT scans, they give you this iodine-based dye that makes you feel very odd. It flushes your entire body. For this test, they have to put it in one of your large veins in your arm because it needs to be given all at once. So this means my port wasn't able to be used for it. My poor veins. They had issues getting one yet again. When she got it, the end of it wasn't closed off so I bled all over the place. Total awesomesauce.

This was after they 'cleaned' up the bloody mess too. -_-;

Short test, thank God, but they always warn you about having any shortness of breath because of any sensitivity to shellfish and a long list of other stuff. I'm not allergic to anything that I'm aware of. However, when they gave me the dye I only lasted about 30 seconds to a minute before I sort of freaked out. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I don't know if I was actually having a reaction to the dye (I hadn't before) or if I was panicking. They stopped right away, gave me some water and let me wait it out. I had not eaten anything since early in the morning as this all demanded being taken care of on the fly. Who knows though.

Check out my insides! I think I see my squeedily spooch!

Then we waited... again. The big concern with my chest was to be sure I hadn't started forming any blood clots in my lungs. Apparently you're more prone to them when you're going through cancer, and even more so when you're going through chemotherapy treatment. Cool that everybody neglected to tell me this. Lol! Praise the Lord yet again though, as my lungs looked good!

So all that testing, and we still don't know why I've been having the hurty chest stuff. The ER set up an appointment with my oncologist as a follow up on Tuesday. We went to that too, and what we got from that is suspicions that it's a side effect of chemo and/or likely from indigestion or my body still healing from the trauma of the port placement. I have an appointment to get another ultrasound on my heart for next Friday though, just to be safe.

Fun, fun, fun, fun, fuuuuun times!! [Insert huge super deep sigh here] O_O

My one day so far this week I didn't have to go to a doctors appointment or get a test done, I went to get my blood drawn yesterday and decided to busy myself with regular typical girl-type stuff. I bought a new nailpolish and gave myself a manicure to the best of my abilities. I then baked some cake batter blondies. It felt so nice to do that superficially pointless stuff I miss being able to busy myself with. You take that sort of thing for granted big time. Yet another case of "you don't miss it 'til it's gone" me thinks.
Back to my reality of dealing with docs and nurses and medical junk today though! I am glad to report that I am done with one month of my Taxol regimen though after today. As long as everything stays on track without delays, I have just two months left!

Chemo treatment #8 - 4/12 of Taxol. 

Ugh. I look so squishy in that picture! Man oh man do I miss working out. I need to try yoga if nothing else, because I feel icky. :( I'm scared to try anything more because of how easy I am winded. Anyway, enough of my silly vanity! Treatment went okay for the most part. I felt discomfort throughout part of the first portion of my infusion. I'm in the belief that my body is just weird and still healing from that surgery because it didn't hurt until she was poking/pushing around on my port. It did go away for the most part too after a while.

About halfway through, Dr. Wagner told the nurse that my WBC were on the low side with a 3 this week. She only administered 90% of my Taxol because of this. Well, 1/3 of the way through this regimen... seems about right that the accumulation starts to stack up. Oh, goodie. Haha

I have blabbed an enormous amount already, so bear with me while I add a little more! Hey, if you've stuck it out with me this far, then kudos! I am impressed! I'd have probably skimmed through this monstrously sized blog post most definitely! ;) Lol

It's tricky for me to discern where I'm at in my emotional journey through this at this point. I have accepted this is my life now a few months back, so that's not it. Perhaps the best way I can put it into words is that it feels as if there's no end. Logically I know that is as far from the truth as possible. The strangest thing is that I don't feel angry or upset about it. I just feel kind of apathetic. I know I will get to the end of this, and Lord willing will stomp my cancer out of existence... but I dunno. Just different steps in the process, I s'pose.

I try to remind myself that it's okay and human to have my moments. I'm fighting for my life. That's not exactly a walk in the park. I am blessed though  to have all my loving supporters, great medical insurance and my faith. There are so many who are facing the same fight or worse who may only have one of these blessings, if any. So I shall count my blessings one by one. :)

Song choice for today (frankly I think I need to listen to these lyrics myself) --

Okee dokee! Now I'm done, I promise! As usual, enjoy that weekend everyone! Go enjoy your lives. Treasure those silly yet readily under appreciated things you love to do. God bless and thanks for reading.

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all."   2 Corinthians 4:16-17

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Spa, surgery and treatment! Oh my!

Had my first massage, first surgery, another treatment and it's not even the weekend yet! I've been busy, busy, busy. :)

Time to rewind! Sooo, Monday I left to go to Spa Gregories in Newport Beach for that non-profit event held for select cancer patients in Orange County to get a free massage, facial or pedicure I had mentioned in my last post. The group that puts it on is called Greet the Day, and it's seriously such a fabulous thing. There are so many good people left in the world.

Although I left early so I could make it on time, I got lost trying to find the place. Not nearly as lost as I became when I was trying to find my way back home though (I borrowed the hubby's GPS and it died while I was getting my massage), haha. Oh well! They were very nice about it when I showed up, and thankfully, I was only running behind by like 15 minutes. They led me to the changing room, gave me my locker and robe. Snarky! Erm, well. To me, it seemed fancy as I'm kind of a spa-newbie.

After changing, I was taken to the "quiet room". A dimly lit, intentionally relaxation-inducing room with cushy seating. Here there were 7 other women chatting amongst themselves. Many of which were either bald or wearing headscarves, beanies, etc. These were my other cancer-fighting sisters! It was so odd for me to cruise around 1.) wearing just a robe and  2.) donning my bald head in all its domey, hairless glory in front of strangers. Lol

We went around the room and did mini introductions. Something I'm never fond of. Everyone here had been through and/or was going through a lot currently. I was the youngest in the group, once again. Not that that makes my plight all that different. Simply means people generally feel more sympathetic towards me. I appreciate the sympathy, but really, no matter the age, cancer is terrible. I feel awful that ANYONE has to experience it, whether they're 6 or 60 - it sucks. I hope to see the end of it in my lifetime, but I'd be astonished if they even get close to finding a cure within the next 100 years.

Sorry! That crazy Anj and her ramblings! Got a little off track there. ;3  So after the intros, we were led through a mental imaging relaxation exercise, and then we were each taken back for our spa treat! My massage therapist was sooo incredibly kind and understanding. She knew I was a massage-virgin, and explained everything to me before and as she went along. I felt so light and stress free after she was finished. And God bless all of the massage therapists, event organizers, etc. who were there doing this stuff for us. They were there doing it all free of charge, and we were told not to try to give any gratuity; that they would not accept it.

We were then given a light lunch and had some time to socialize. I did make at least one friend! Her name's Jennifer, and she was in the younger group of us cancer patients who were present. She's nearing the end of her journey battling colon cancer (So happy for her! She will soon be able to put herself in the survivor category! Such a blessing!). She's so, so sweet and strong. I guess you have to be something of a fighter to get through this sort of thing though. I look forward to getting to know her better. :)

I was so grateful for that relaxing day because my nerves were on all kinds of edge for Tuesday. I had never had any sort of surgery or been given anesthesia before that. I knew it was a minor and necessary procedure, but that didn't stop me from being crazy scared! I did well up until I was about to go in. A few things saved my sanity though! Having Jason there reassuring me and trying to make me smile, Christ (duh!), and Susann dropped by for a visit with a little gift in hand! She's such a sweetheart!!

Next thing I knew, I was given whatever made me ready to go night-night and I was being wheeled in for my surgery. The last thing I recall is having an oxygen mask put on my face. They had told me it was only a twilight sleep, and I wasn't put fully under, but I didn't wake up once. PTL! I was scared I would wake up... or  that I might feel something. You know. All those legitimate yet absolutely ridiculous fears someone facing surgery has.

Did any of that happen? Of course effing not! In fact, my surgeon told the hubby that I snored through it. Lol! Yeah, pretty embarrassing really. I'm not even a snorer! No really, I'm not! I swear! Haha.

I groggily awoke as I was wheeled into the recovery room. I had a wicked sore throat, and vaguely remember having the x-ray tech making me sit up to put something behind my back. Apparently he was taking this image to make sure that my port was in the proper place and that my lung hadn't been punctured. Lovely, huh?? I wasn't allowed to drink anything before my surgery, which I hadn't had anything to eat or drink since 10pm the night before, and I needed to wait until they got this x-ray back before I could have something. It came back eventually that it was all clear. I had some cranberry juice, saltines and a Percocet. Jason was given my prescription for 'em, and then they wheeled me out to the curb and he picked me up.

Almost forgot! I had my need for that port put in reaffirmed the day of the procedure when the nurse could not get a vein for my IV after 3 attempts. Anesthesiologist got it though! 

My new buddy Jennifer had warned me about feeling like a horse had kicked me in the chest when you get your port-a-cath placed, but I didn't know how accurate that was until the next day! So glad to have those pain meds. Besides the soreness, the area has a general tightness. I keep reminding myself that it's because I have this foreign object living inside me now. It'd be weird if it felt no different! I'm sure I'll get used to it. It'll probably be in there for something like a year, so it's got to become second nature sooner or later.

And here it is! Not much to look at when it's hidden under that bandage... but it's just an ugly bunch of steristrips over my stitched up incision anyway.

Honestly, I know in my heart that God allowed me to/had me go through this so I would not be as anxious when it comes time for my big surgery. I've had my spiritual faith covered, and now I have matching faith in the process and in my surgeon as well now.

My thoughts on it aside from being painful and uncomfortable thus far? It's freaking amazing. I'm so glad I have it! Getting my IV set up for my infusion this morning was a breeze. It hurt more when the nurse was pressing around on the port trying to find out where to insert it; I couldn't tell when she put in the needle. This port thing rocks! Plus, doesn't this totally qualify me as being part robot or something cool like that? ^_~

Speaking of my treatment today... well, not a lot to say! Painless and easy! Muuuuuch improved over last time. And now we're officially in the single digits for number of chemo treatments left. Woot!

Look Ma, no hands! Chemo #7 - 3/12 of Taxol.

Side effects have been mild. I'm sure the accumulation may begin to suck when I'm halfway through, but maybe not? Hot flashes are still my biggest pain in the side. I've also about lost all of my eyelashes and eyebrows. I wasn't able to avoid that "sickly cancer patient" look completely, dang it! I did for a while though.  >:D

And that about does it for this one! Next week will be a lot less eventful, and as I always say, at this point? I'm okay with that! Normal is not all that bad of a thing. I welcome it these days.

Thanks for the continued prayers, support and love! Oh yeah, and for reading along! While it is MY fight, I'm glad to have you all along with me in spirit. God bless and take care!

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."  Proverbs 16:9

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Holey Anj, Batman!

Yes, holey. Not holy. And Batman? Well... I love Batman! Haha, no really! I mean, I do totally love the B-man, but hopefully I don't have to explain my pun (I did forewarn you all about my being a huge geek :B ).

*Ahem* Anyhoo! ... Today was Taxol treatment numero dos, so that's done and in the past now.

Chemo treatment #6 - 2/12 of Taxol.
Allow me a moment to sigh deeply with relief. Ah, much better! Today was pretty bad. The poor nurses had a REALLY hard time of getting my IV in. My veins are just shot right now, and I naturally have tiny veins (or so I'm told?). So several unsuccessful attempts ensued. Several tries in my hand, one in the side of my wrist, and one more try on top of my hand. Last try on my hand, she thought she got it in, but it started to swell as soon as the fluids were going. So they had to go on my left arm. PTL that one went in without a hassle.

After this experience, we came to the conclusion that I can no longer avoid the port-a-cath. T-T I'm extremely sad that I will have yet another scar from this battle once I've won, but as my hubby said to me "just another badge of courage". ^_^

Not sure if I had explained the port in another post or not? Well, in case I didn't and for those who are unaware, a port-a-cath is an "implantable venous access system". It is placed completely under the skin, and it will allow for an easy-access portal for medication and fluid to be delivered into my bloodstream. It's essentially a sure fire way to make sure I get my IVs hooked up properly every time. It will also preserve my veins.

The other part that sucks? I have to get a procedure to have it put in. Good thing though, it will be an outpatient procedure. :) So next Tuesday I will be going in around noon to get that taken care of. I've never been put under, so I'm nervous about that, but I gotta remind myself that God's got me. All the same, prayers for me are always welcomed though! Hehe.

Another change from my excursion with Taxol last time is I am starting to feel the aches. Nothing extreme, thankfully, but I feel 'em. If they stay this mild then I have no qualms with them. If these aches decide to be jerks, then I will be unhappy. Other than that, doing okay again. Much better on the fatigue with this regimen on chemo still. It was ridiculous with the AC. I'm happy to count my little blessings, no matter how wee they are!

I nearly forgot to mention it! I did go to that breast cancer support group this past Monday evening. It was very nice to be with other people who knew exactly what I was talking about. However, I'm not sure if it's the right environment for me personally. I'm still unsure though. It was a rather large group, and I'm horribly shy in large groups. >_>;

I was also the youngest woman there. While that doesn't make a huge difference in many ways, it does make for different personal challenges while battling the C. From recovery time, to whether you choose a lumpectomy or bilateral mast. There's also different concerns. Older survivors who have had children already don't need to be concerned with the possibility of infertility from chemotherapy, or early onset menopause, etc.

Thankfully though, I did meet 2 other women who were younger there. One named Allyson was very kind. She's only 33 and was diagnosed approximately a week or two before me, and she is also blogging her journey (so I recommend checking it out!). :) Another younger woman, 35 years old, was even kind enough to show me the result of her double mast with reconstruction. She's in survivorship mode on her journey, but I thought that was nice of her to share with me.

Either way, I am glad I went. Having breast cancer, as cheesy and lame as this will sound, does put you into some secret special sort of sisterhood with other patients/survivors. I'm glad I had the opportunity to meet so many other women fighting for a cure. God bless them all.

Lastly, I got the okay for me to attend my free spa retreat! So Monday I'm heading to Spa Gregories in Newport Beach for a free massage given by an oncology-specialized massage therapist. It's all organized by a group called Greet The Day. They give out these free spa retreats to cancer patients quarterly. I just think it's such an awesomely nice thing to do, and I'm so humbled and grateful I was chosen for it. :)

That's all for now ladies and gents! As always, thank you for following along. Enjoy that weekend! Oh, and a Happy Father's Day to all you daddies out there; particularly to my exceptionally awesome Dad! Love you Daddy, thank you for all you do! Relax and enjoy your loved ones everybody. It's such a blessing to have good family.

"Pray continually."  
 1 Thessalonians 5:17

Friday, June 8, 2012

The Return of the Chemo

Quite a lot has happened since my last post. This past Tuesday I met with Dr. Wagner. I was uncertain whether he'd try to argue in favor of surgery still, or if he'd go along with what the other oncologists suggested at the cancer conference.

Frankly, I was concerned I was going to be the one that needed to make the decision ultimately. Jason and I had been praying that the right decision would be revealed to us. I don't argue with God's plans, as He always knows what is best for us. And as it turns out, we were not even given a decision to choose from.

When I saw my doctor, he had my next chemo regimen outlined for me. Three months of treatment using Taxol. I go in once a week for it, and they drip it slow (over 2-3 hours) so as to prevent any infusion related allergies from popping up. They didn't waste any time, as the first time I started chemotherapy. My first infusion was yesterday. One down, with 11 more to go.

Chemo treatment #5 - 1/12 of Taxol.

The dosage is much lower, and obviously not dose dense as the Adriamycin/Cytoxan cocktail was. They give me the usual Zofran to prevent any nausea, and Benadryl this time. Again, preventative measures for any infusion related allergic reaction. It knocked me out, and Jason took the opportunity to take a stunning photo of me passed out that I think I'll refrain from posting here. Lol

So far, praise the Lord, I feel okay. Tired and a bit off, but okay. I hear you get muscle aches and such with this medication. So we shall see. My face has been flushed since I woke up this morning, and I'm assuming that is a side effect too?  I've also been having a ton of hot flashes, but that was happening before I started this med. I think the warm weather doesn't help that any either. Boo to you hot flashes!

This time around I'm not taking the Neulasta that helped boost my WBC, so I'm more susceptible to infection than last time. This coupled with the demands of how often I need to go in for treatment led me to choose to pursue short term disability from work. I'm bummed, because I really felt that seeing my lovely friends at work helped me to feel like life was normal for a bit through this. But I still think it's the most responsible choice I can make.

I called today and got the ball rolling on all that. I imagine it will take a bit before I see any compensation, but I'm just happy to have my job protected. I told my boss that I fully intend on returning when my 3 months of treatment are completed. So he better be counting on that! ;)

I'm certainly going to miss my Starbucks family during my hiatus! I've met some awesome people there, and hope they know how much I appreciate them and their support too. I'm still going to go visit whenever I feel okay (and when my fave people are working >:D).

Anyhow, so surgery will now most likely happen in September or October. So I don't have to worry about that for now. I'm such a weirdo though. I keep thinking, "Aw man! I hope I can still do the Susan G. Komen walk in November!". Haha.

Next Monday I'm going to go to my first support group held at the Womens Wellness Center I've gone to for all my imaging and such. Susann (my nurse navigator) leads it, and she's been trying to get me come to it for months. I think I'm now far enough along in my journey that I'd feel like I have something to talk about, and would be less likely to be scared off by others' stories. I'll let you all know how that goes too. :)

So that's the news for now! Thanks again for taking the time to follow along with me, and I hope you all have a blessed and happy fun-filled weekend.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."  John 16:33

Saturday, June 2, 2012

No one else can play your part

Since my last post, I was able to make my appointment to get in to see my surgeon. When I called to arrange it, they had just had a cancellation, so that worked out perfectly for me. During the appointment, he went over the MRI results with us and examined me again. That's when he told us he didn't want to make any decisions for a game plan right then. He said he wanted to present my case again at the weekly cancer conference which was luckily occurring the following day.

Jason and I showed up and waited to see whether I'd need to be seen by the other doctors or not. It turned out they still wanted to see me, but it was much less awkward/embarrassing than last time thankfully. Haha.

Before that though, while we were waiting, there was only one other patient in attendance that day that was having their case discussed as well. She turned out to be a really nice woman. I'd estimate she was in her late 40s or early 50s. She wasn't a cancer patient like myself, but she had just tested positive for carrying the BRCA 1/2 gene. Her mother is currently battling breast cancer for the second time, so she was there to discuss eliminating her risk by getting a double mastectomy now instead of waiting until she may develop it later in life.

I thought she was very brave and logical about her situation. Made me feel more reassured in my decision for what my own surgery is going to be; just hearing someone else who may soon be facing the same thing speak in agreeance. For her, she had seen her mother get a lumpectomy the first go round, and then 26 years later, the nasty C returned. Her mom wishes she had gone with the mastectomy and she didn't want the same thing to happen to her.

So as anticipated, I was given a bevy of information to digest from the cancer conference. Truthfully, I'm still digesting all of it.

My surgeon came in after they had finished discussing my case and told us their findings. After my appointment with him on Thursday, it was the decision of whether to proceed to surgery or chemo that hung in the balance. He said that that decision was reached almost immediately. There were 4 oncologists there, and they all agreed that I should continue with my chemo due to how spectacular my response has been to treatment.

Apparently there's some belief that if I were to quit chemo and take a 2-3 month break, that my treatment, although of course it would still be effective, could be slightly less effective? I know, I know. Sounds weird to me too. However, I'm not an expert. :P (I apologize. He had explained all this far more thoroughly than I have. It made much more sense. Lol.)

If I quit now, I guess it'd be a shame, and the matter of my cancer-afflicted lymph node in my chest would still need further addressing. That, of course, would mean more treatment or surgery specifically for it to be removed. As it stands now, I would have needed further chemotherapy regardless of pathology findings after surgery because of that stupid lymph node.

Even if I go for another 4 rounds of chemo and that lymph node is no longer an issue, I will still be required to do radiation. This is simply to eradicate any possibility of a single cell remaining in there among my other lymph nodes that could be cancerous.

Oh cancer. You sure know how to screw with a girl's life, don't ya?  >_<


No matter what, the hubby and I knew this would be a long and treacherous journey. I will say though that I don't think either of us truly understood exactly how treacherous and long it would be.

When we departed, Dr. Kushner told me he planned to give my oncologist a call to talk this over with him and get his opinion and was then going to call me. I waited until nearly 5pm and he hadn't called yet. And after a little phone tag, I finally spoke with him.

Dr. Wagner said he understood the other oncologists' opinion but said it wasn't necessarily going to be less effective in a few months. Seeing as he's a cancer survivor, I think he sees the value of getting several months of freedom from chemo. The chemo does wear you out mentally. A lot. Like, A LOT alot. So I certainly get that.

Next step now? Going to set up an appointment with Wagner to figure out what's going to be best for me - both psychologically as well as physically.

As underwhelmed as I am about the thought of more chemo, I feel like God may be trying to corner me so I must go that way first. If that happens to be true, who am I to question His plan for me? I suppose all we can do for the time being is wait. I should have an answer after I see my oncologist, so until then, I'll just try to distract myself and keep on keepin' on. ;)

On the bright side, this all means I won't have to miss out on that awesomely sweet free spa visit I'd been given! Woot! Hehe.  I need some rest and relaxation now more than ever anyway!

Another lesson I've learned from my experience thus far is that I'm way tougher than I thought I was. I've surprised myself at how much I have been able to deal with. I never thought I would face something like this in my life, and I most definitely never would have thought I'd been able to handle it this well.

But cancer is just a big ol' bully. And you know something? Anj don't care! Anj smacks the sh** out of it! >:D  Lol

Frankly though, this seems to be one of my purposes here on this plane though. For years, I often prayed for God to show me how I could serve Him and do His work in life. I wanted to do something with my life that would make a difference, and I wanted to do it in His name. It occurred to me not all that long ago, that this may be one of the ways he's chosen to answer that prayer. I'm not sure as to how much of a difference I will make, but I'm hoping to make a small impact in the least.

People that think prayer is silly because they believe their prayers won't ever be answered, I will tell you this; God always hears our prayers and will answer many of them, but not all. He also answers them in His way and in His time. Only He knows what is in our hearts and what is best for us. This doesn't even necessarily mean it's what is best for us HERE. He gives us trials in life as to better us and to aide us in preparing for the next. That is what truly counts. Becoming more like Christ so that we're worthy to be with Him in our eternal life. :)

I try to think of this whenever I'm feeling weary from this journey. It puts everything into perspective reeeeaaally quickly. So instead of being rude to a customer at my job when they've been disrespectful or cranky with me, I smile sweetly and remember my mantra -- Everything happens for a reason. They might have been unkind to me so that I may practice turning the other cheek. So in turn, they may have been helping me become slightly less sinful. Haha, who knows, but whatever the reason, no single experience (whether good or bad) is all for naught.

Thus I leave you with two songs for today:

Okay guys, I've written a lengthy enough novel for today. ;3 I pray you all have a great weekend full of happy stuffs and again, I am grateful you took time out of your day to read this. God bless!

"The LORD is near to the brokenhearted, And saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18