Monday, December 17, 2012

Will you love me, even with my dark side?

Struggling. That word alone sums up just about everything I'm feeling right now.

I have been really sick with a wicked sinus infection since last Thursday. I've been on antibiotics since Friday afternoon (I went to urgent care immediately after work). I feel slightly better, but if my body was behaving "normally", I'd already have bounced back. 

I guess my immune system still isn't what it used to be. I called in sick today hoping this extra day would help me heal up so I can get back to work tomorrow. I'm really frustrated because I need to be working. I can't afford to miss work. Literally. 

Financially for us, it's been a trying month. So much so, I don't think we'll be able to do Christmas gifts for anyone. Not for each other, and not even for our sweet nieces and nephews. Breaks my heart that we can't. :(

My body, even while I'm not fighting a sinus infection, is not the same. I become so exhausted by work. I thought it was an initial sort of thing and once I got back in the swing it would disappear. Not so. I'm so drained by the end of my day. As you can all imagine, that's an annoyance as well.

I have also been having a lot of self image issues lately. Nobody would know it because I hate to admit weakness about what I feel should be a superfluous topic. But I am, and I have been. I try to make the best of what I have, but when I strip down and change, I see how mangled my body has become in less than a year. And I know It won't ever be the same.

Now I realize that I would not even be here had it not been for the trauma my body has been through. I'm not completely foolish. I just have my moments where I need to mourn the loss of how I was physically. I am a 27 year old woman after all. What woman in her 20s expects to lose both her breasts, a nipple and then be marred with scars?

I most certainly didn't. And I feel about as far from attractive or pretty as possible largely in thanks due to it. 

In the wake of the tragedy that happened at Sandy Hook Elementary on December 14th, another thought has been swimming in my head; that of survivor guilt. As ridiculous and insane and unrelated as that sounds, it's true. I have overwhelming guilt that I, someone who would not be alive at this moment without medical treatment, am alive and these sweet innocent children were taken. What makes me so special that I am permitted more time on Earth while these babies were not?

It's not secluded to that incident. It's a common feeling since officially obtaining survivor status. Such a maddening thing really. If I could do something to give back and truly make a difference with my existence then maybe I wouldn't feel this way so strongly.

Until then, I'm sure I will continue to. I trust that God has a plan, it's just tricky to be patient in order for it to be revealed.

I'm hoping and praying with all my heart that 2013 will bring a much happier year. That I will be able to resolve some of these issues I've been silently internalizing. I want change. It is often seen as a frightening thing, but I need some change. So I hope that it will also bring us change, and we will be better for it. 

Radiation will be starting very soon. I still believe it won't begin until after the holidays. But I went for my second prep appointment last week. I now have about 5 or 6 of those little pin dot tattoos. I need to get blood work done for them too, but that's really the only news I have regarding my treatment currently. 

My thanks to any and every one who actually reads through this post. It seems silly for me to complain when I have been given so much, however, we all need to vent sometimes. 

God bless you all.

"In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight"  Proverbs 3:6


  1. Sweetie you hang in there! This has been the absolute worst couple of months we've been through as a couple, but no matter what you go through you're the most beautiful person I've ever met in my life and I thank God daily that I was blessed enough to be the one worthy enough to be with you!

  2. You are allowed to feel this way! No one can be strong ALL of the time. You sure have had a great attitude through this whole thing so its okay to feel this way sometimes. I pray that 2013 is filled with happiness too my dear sister in law. You two deserve this. I cannot wait until you are finally all done with this because I know without a doubt, God is going to be using you to inspire others. He is already working on it. You are amazing!

  3. Sissy we love you and will continue to be by your side and be here to lift you up when you need it. Please please please let your feelings be heard so we all know when you need us even more.....don't keep it inside let us hear it and be there for you. We love you and will always love you and will always stand by you on your good days and your bad days.