Friday, March 23, 2012

Not gonna break my soul

As expected, the cancer conference (a.k.a. tumor board) did yield us more information. Jason accompanied me today, the trooper he is as usual, and we arrived early. There were four other people there whose surgeons would be presenting their cancer cases for discussion with the other doctors . I was very obviously the youngest person present. Not surprising, but I felt as if no one would even glance in my direction because of it.

I was actually the first one called in to the exam room. I was then asked to remove my top attire and replace it with a mammo cape. They are super sweet and fashionable of course. I was telling Jason after my biopsy that I would bring one home to wear if I could! It's like boxers for boobies. Airy and non-restrictive! Haha. He also happened to take a dorky photo of me modelling it for him, in which I am wearing a total cheese smile. Worry not readers, I will spare you the sight. ;)

After I had changed, doctors single-filed in. In all, there were 9 present to check me out. I was asked to show them and then some came up and examined me. As awkward as embarrassing as it is, it was over in an instant thankfully.

We returned to the waiting room until my breast surgeon called us out to talk privately. I received some news I wasn't fully ready to receive. All of our game plan so far for this battle was about to be changed. Instead of rushing to surgery, we will be doing "neo-adjuvant chemotherapy" first. What this means is that I'll be doing three months of chemotherapy before anything else happens.

The reason for this sudden change of plan? Well, apparently they got a better look at my MRI and it seems as though I had a lymph node next to my tumor. The doctors that discussed what they saw, all agreed that is is likely also cancerous as well. While I find on Tuesday for certain whether it is or not with the PET/CT scan, they're setting me up with an oncologist for Monday. My surgeon is going to schedule me for a procedure to have a port put in this coming week as well. It's a tube he will put in my skin under my collar bone that they will plug the IV into to administer my chemo. Fun stuff! :P

The good news out of this is that we'll be killing that cancer ASAP. This means the tumor will likely shrink. I could opt for a lumpectomy at that point, but I will most certainly still be gunning for the double mastectomy down the line. The ultra fool-proof deciding factor for me will be the results from my genetic counseling test, which I had blood drawn for today.

Chemo is the scary-to-face, yucky-sounding part... but if I'm going to kill that mean ass cancer sooner, then why not? I'm certain I will lose my hair, but I'm oddly excited! It will mean I'll get to buy/wear cute wigs. Haha. Also, I won't have to worry about doing my (impossible) hair! Not all awful, y'know!

Christ allowed this to happen to me because He must have felt I could carry the weight of this cross. I only pray I may carry it with just an ounce of the grace and quiet fortitude He had as He carried His own. He doesn't give us more than we can handle.

Attempting to return to work tomorrow. Other than that, it will be a peaceful weekend free of doctor appointments. It's been a long, long week so I'm looking forward to some relaxation. This week seems as though it has been three weeks combined into one.

Something tells me my life will be that way for a while too...

Jason requested I post a song he feels sums up our situation currently. He believes it speaks truthfully about the fact that in the grand scheme of things, he and I are stuck in a moment; but everything will get better. :

And I think I'd like to make a point of posting a song each post from now on that represents how I'm feeling currently about my ordeal, so here's my pick for today. :

Now I know that song was written about a breakup, but let's pretend it's about fighting cancer instead of ditching some jerky fella. >_> I think the heart of the speaks for what I'm feeling though - "Throw your sticks and stones. Throw your bombs and your blows, but you're not gonna break my soul. This is the part of me that you're never gonna ever take away from me."

Not going down without a fight, and cancer is not going to take away my Anj-ness! Nope, no sir!

Alright, and I realize I keep saying it, but I'm so grateful for all the love we have been shown since this all started. It's overwhelming, in the nicest way imaginable! So, huge thank you once again for all the kindness, love, support and generosity. :)

Well, that's all for now! God bless all, and have a wonderful weekend! Cherish every moment and count each blessing.


  1. Just teared up reading this! She continues to blow me away with how strong she is!
    And just like she said all of the generosity and support from everyone continues to leave us speechless!
    I thank God for my job, a place filled with amazing people that are making this a lot more comfortable to deal with, my medical benefits, my family and friends. We're seeing sides of all of you that makes our jaws hit the floor while we look for ways to repay you all!
    God bless every single one of you for it and thank you God so much for thinking I'm worthy enough to be with this powerful woman!

  2. You are an amazing inspiration! Love both song choices =)Keep on fighting and show the Eff'in Cancer that it CANNOT take you down!!

  3. Once again.. So powerfully well written and moving. It's obvious to me that you are going to knock this one out of the park! Your positive spirit, uplifting perspective and overall READY TO KICK ASS demeanor is helping ME want to do more and be better every day. Thank you for taking on this challenge with such grace...And know that this blog is helping others in ways you might not even imagine. :) Loves to you and that Fella you love.

  4. Anj you are truly an inspiration to all women!! I can't believe the fight you have in you...and I can't wait to see you kick the shit out of the cancer!!! Love you and Jay so much and I'll be following you on your journey!!!

  5. Anj you leave me speechless. You're spirit is so beautiful and positive. Everything is going to work out. That cancer can go eff itself, it messed with the wrong girl!!!
    Love you guys!

  6. Love your attitude Anjanette. Keep it up.