Friday, July 27, 2012

The tale of the melancholic warrior

Remember when I said I try my best not to complain? I am very sorry to do this, but I am in deeply in need of airing out my mind. 

Chemo #12 - 8/12 of Taxol. Jason lent a finger (2 actually) this time.

As much as it would delight me to tell you this is another treatment day that went smoothly (and mind you, in most ways it has... ), a few hours ago, everything bubbled up out of oblivion and hit me like a ton of bricks.

It would be a bold-faced lie to say this is my pioneering instant of depression throughout this ordeal. I have my moments of weakness as I have shared before; however, I'm not sure how much I have delved into the matter in posts here. I try to be as uplifting as possible because I want anyone who reads this to be unafraid of handling whatever comes your way in life.

I still strongly believe that. But, I am only human.

And currently, I am suffering. I am worn down, numb, and lost.

When I was diagnosed, I swore my life would only partially be consumed by the cancer and for only the period of time I allowed. Hard lesson learned there. You don't control any of it. Basically, if you want to continue to live, you are given a single path. Take it or give up. This is the choice you are given.

Swallow these pills. Take this test. Allow this toxic substance to course through your veins so it can eat your healthy cells, just so we can cross our fingers and hope that it kills those abnormal ones that are attempting to destroy you. It's all quite nasty, really. No wonder the chemotherapy alone can leave your body in shambles.

This is my life now. It doesn't really define me, but it surely feels like it does. I am hard pressed to find myself motivated to do much in the days leading up to my infusions, and naturally I don't feel up to doing much in the days following either. So my days consist of waiting. I wait for my treatment. I go in for each one with a mixed sense of relief and joy because I fervently count them down.

The world looks so ugly to me these days. I see all the mindless violence, the impatience people have with eachother, etc. It saddens my heart. Or even the way people stare at me/don't make eye contact/avoid me when I go anywhere by myself and I happen to be wearing a hat or headscarf instead of a wig. Then there's the people I worry have been silent (or mostly so) during my fight so far because they're either afraid to "catch" it, or perhaps are scared I'm going to die so they'd rather keep their distance just in case.

So much I don't understand. So much I think but refuse to say. I push it all down and hold it inside myself.

I just want my life back. I want to go to work. I want to enjoy a day out with my husband at the beach or Disneyland. I want the choice to be able to attend church! I also want to have petty concerns again. Like not having an ingredient needed to cook what I wanted for dinner, or being able to bitch about my hair being uncooperative. Simple under appreciated silly things that I sorely miss.

I don't know when those things will return to being the norm for me. I wish I did. I'm only hopeful that they will be again at some point. There's so much left ahead of me that I must face.

This is not something with a permanent insta-fix where you follow doctor orders and you're guaranteed a happily ever after once you're deemed "cancer free" even. I will be forever under the microscope. I am not ungrateful that I will make it through this to be privileged enough to gain survivorship. I am simply trying to expose what hides under the pink ribbon -- pain, scars, and fear.

Honestly, how does ANYONE get through anything like this without God? I can't even picture the thought of trying to handle this without my faith. Because I realize once I've finished with all of my griping, that Christ comprehends all these emotions I'm experiencing. He felt each one them and then some firsthand when He was crucified. The Lord graciously gifted His only son to come down to Earth to become man and then willingly gave His life so that we might be saved.

That was just one reason though. God allowed this so he could feel closer to us as his proudest creation. So he might understand us better. I find such peace in knowing He empathizes any and all plight I endure.

I am so ashamed that I do not live up to the perfection worthy of His love. Perhaps one day I will be, or at least feel I am.

I am also sorry to let all of you down as well. I digress that I am still a warrior... I'm just a weary one.


"Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress, and He hears my voice." Psalm 55:17


  1. you have been so strong anjanette, having moments of weakness is not bad. You are amazing and if i were going through this, reading your blogs, it would give me hope. You are right, you are still a warrior, and after this fight being weary is expected. You're a super hero to me, and i'm so proud to call you my best friend dear. <3 ~S.

  2. The typical reaction from me is trying to find some way to fix this situation, but with the two of us wanting to just call it a day on this whole situation leaves little strength left for either of us to hold each other up with.

    Going to dinner last Friday night was such an amazing change of pace for us. Something that most people do regularly. The only difference is once that was done we came back to the life we have with this cancer and only got an ounce of relief on one night of this over-a-year long situation.

    I wish I could take this from you so you wouldn't have to suffer. You know better than anyone I'm good at holding things in until I crack. I wish I could do that with this cancer, because I'd rather be the one suffering on all levels than you.

    I'm tired of saying, "Hang in there a little longer!", because as we get closer to the end of chemo, the end just seems to be further away.

    You know I agree with you about people who seem to have chosen to shut this situation of ours out. I don't know why they choose to do it, and when the mental wall that you and I have is at its thinnest it hurts more than it normally would. We've accepted the fact that we're the black sheep, and it's always going to be that way, but this is probably the biggest "WHY?!" we're ever going to have to ask.

    I love you, and just feel so helpless right now that there's nothing I can do to make this situation better.

  3. hey!My name is Dani, a friend of Jason. my best friend just finished her 14th session and is waiting for surgery, she wants to connect with you. Im sending you her fb link...chin up chick! a year or more compared to an eternity gone from this earth is nothing! youre young... <3

  4. You are not letting ANYONE down! You are one of the strongest, and most inspirational people I know! I think about you and J all the time and I pray that you both have nothing but happy and loving times ahead once you've kicked cancers ass!

    You're entitled to feeling the way you're feeling right now. But keep you chin up sweetie, when this is all over you're going to come out of this stronger than ever before. If you need anything I stand by what I said, we can skype, text, talk on the phone, whatever! I'm here for you girl even if i am clear across the country :)

    Love you!!!

  5. Darling Daughter Anjanette:

    Your Dad and I could never be more proud of you than we are right here and right is in what you call "weakness" that you are laying yourself out to show yourself more of a warrior than ever.....It takes pure honesty and letting go off the cliff to let God catch you..which you do each and every day. God does see this and He is there catching you and He is proud of his child
    Anjanette who shares with the world her love for Him. He is always there and so are you ....not this much......not that much..........but MORE>>MORE>>>AND
    MORE sweet daughter.....hugs, prayers and kisses...Mom and

  6. So, so glad I found you through YSC! I have tried to be positive through my breast cancer journey but just like you, I hit the valleys too. It is hard to relate it to others because they expect you to stay positive at all times. I found that I just give it to God. I cannot wait to read more of your posts. Someone else that gets it! I have a blog I started that was mostly about decorating, but if you want to check it out just put cancer or breast cancer in the search box to check out parts of my journey so far. God bless you!