And she walks

Dear blog,

I am feeling deeply contrite for neglecting you. As is sadly common, in living normal life you take for granted the things which are normal. What I mean is that I've not posted because things have been going well! 

Not the worst of all excuses for my lack of posts, but still an excuse all the same. 

So with my apologies out of the way, I'd now like to update you on the newest!

Last I left you all, I was preparing to finish my radiation therapy. I did very happily complete it all back in May with no further hiccups.  To cross that final treatment finish line was beyond sweet. The commitment to go Monday through Friday was so mentally taxing. I almost didn't know how to react when I no longer had that obligation each day! 

I still tire very easily in comparison to my pre-diagnosis/treatment days. However, it's a vast improvement where I am energy wise versus my stamina level during radiation. 

Could I tell you that I'm running marathons and able to work 12-hour days and still go out afterwards? Oh hell naw! Haha. But I do feel a gradual return of energy. VERY gradual. Like, snail paced actually... but an improvement is still an improvement, right?!

After closing the radiotherapy chapter of my cancer saga, I had to wait for a couple of places on my right breast to fully heal up before seeing my cosmetic surgeon. One spot was particularly stubborn as it would JUST. NOT. HEAL. 

It was teeny-tiny too. One day there was a small thing poking from it that turned out to be another stitch my body decided it wasn't going to absorb. Once that sucker came out, it healed up in no time. I called and scheduled my first post rads saline expansion. 

Doc decided to fill only my left side as it was in need of it because it was deflated so much for better access during radiation. This last Thursday was to be my next fill. Went in with only the intention of getting closer to the size I want to be at. 

We went in not expecting much because at my last appointment, Dr. Mowlavi told me he'd like for me to wait 3 months more until we did my exchange swap surgery. 

Boy were WE surprised!

I did get a fill on my right finally, and quite well more to the size I will be, but it seems there may be a very slow leak in my left expander. I guess normally if there happens to be a leak, there would be a surgery to swap out that tissue expander. Seeing as I'm so close to being done, he favored moving up my swap surgery instead.

I bet you can guess who's going under the knife again in the next few weeks?! This Anj! 

Exceedingly unexpected but it is what it is and I trust God. I trust His goodness, His timing and His will. This is when it's supposed to occur, so it will. ^_^

I don't have my official date, but I will after tomorrow. I've had a follow up appointment scheduled to see Dr. Wagner for months so I'm seeing him after I get off work. Then I'm shooting straight over to pick up and sign papers for my forthcoming surgery from Dr. Mowlavi's office.

Haha, oh! And I'm seeing Dr. Wagner to report on how I'm doing being on Tamoxifen and finally the order for my CT scan. I'd been anxiously awaiting that. No matter how official papers are claiming there is no more cancer in you, my mind tells me I've been done with treatment for 3 months now. I finished chemotherapy nearly a year ago! In the back of each survivor's mind is that darkest of fears, "what if it came back?". 

Until I have more finalization that those terrible self sabotaging cells of mine are still 100% bye bye, I won't have complete peace of mind. The trouble is, I don't know if I'll be able to swing all these doctor appointments between everything depending on how quickly my surgery date shall arrive. 

Gotta jump through those hoops again. Clearance from the primary care physician who then asks you to have x, y and z exams done elsewhere. If I throw in a scan, finishing up possible dental work I've been procrastinating about, and fitting that all in between my work schedule... you might say I'm a little frazzled inside.

Here we go again, Lord! ;)

So what, pray tell, have I been doing in my blogging absence you ask? Well, working. And then working. And then recovering and napping and gaming and reading. And then working some more. :) Pretty standard, normal life living type of stuffs. Soaking up the pleasant little things and griping over insignificant ones like some sort of average joe. Essentially, relishing the normalcy I was robbed of by cancer for 15+ months. :P

My hair has grown. I had to get a trim a couple weeks ago. I don't know why hair inherently becomes a mullet as it grows out from nothingness, but it does. I had the hair stylist trim that party in the back to match the business in the front STAT. I hated my curls with a fearsome loathing at first, but I've grown fond of them with time. It makes me feel a little old timey. Like some sort of dame with lazy finger waves!

I have never received so many compliments on my hair as I have in the past 6 months or so. It might be slightly atrocious of me but I take great delight in people's responses when I explain why curls have not been the primary texture of my hair all my life. Some people handle it very gracefully. Others are speechless. Some are apathetic. It's intriguing to see which I get. 

Could I hold the truth from a stranger? Easily, but I feel like more people should be exposed to the reality of how commonplace cancer is. Almost everyone you know has had someone close to them touched by the disease in one way or another. Yet we still shy away from it as though it's something contagious. Like you could will it upon yourself or your loved one by saying its name three times simultaneously. Lol 

I was guilty of this thinking at one point too. I thought of the C as a disease that ends only in death. It could happen to the "other guy" and maybe even his family or friends, but it couldn't happen to MY family. Nope. Or MY friends. And least of all, to ME.

You would think that as a society, we would have grown to see that isn't true in the slightest. If this disease can happen to sweet babies and children, it can happen to anybody at any time for no tangible reason. Allow me to emphasize tangible. Surely there is plenty of reason for it, yet we may find none for it here.

Anyhow, my Susan G. Komen 3 Day fundraising is not going all that well. I suppose that I've not put enough into it either. I'm still going to give it my best to reach my minimum, but if either Jason or I can't reach that $2300, we can't walk. :( Simple as that. I'm so grateful to the few who have donated in our names. So to the few of you who have, your kindness and help is a blessing! Thank you!

And if any of you kind souls do happen to be interested in donating: CLICK MEEEEE! :D 

With that, I think I've reached that point of I've said all I'd like to say for now! Thanks for reading and following along. I will do a smallish update once I have my implant surgery date in sight.

Until then, I'm wishing you all the very best always. Lots of love and happiness and good things! God bless and take care.

"Now may the Lord of peace Himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you."  2 Thessalonians 3:16

But that doesn't mean that I wasn't brave

Ah, hello again dear blog! Is it really time for our monthly rendezvous already? ;)

Since our last meeting, I have had a root canal, two more breast revisions and all four of my wisdom teeth removed (which I got dry socket from a traumatic extraction on my bottom left). So my oh my oh my. As you can tell, the fun never ends in the land of Anj! Haha.

In the midst of all this back and forth with my cosmetic surgeon and dentist, I also saw my oncologist. He had pegged me to be finished with radiation by the time my appointment had rolled around. He was a bit surprised.

Thankfully my visit with him had more to do with discussing my eventual start on hormone therapy (Tamoxifen) for the next 5 years. I can't say I'm thrilled about the prospect. To be frank, I'm pretty freaking terrified of it. My body has been through SO much and I've willingly done every treatment possible to prevent the C from returning... I have no plans to have a baby anytime soon either. I just don't get it.

Oh gosh, I realize it's all for the purpose of being preventative about prevention for preventing this from making a come back. I do, but it's got some wickedly scary side effects. Increased risks of endometrial cancer and thromboembolism are enough on their own to spook me. PLUS, the SSRI I've been taking to control my panic disorder for the past half a decade, is incompatible with it.

You reach the point where you look at the risks and simply say, "eff it". My body has already seen most of the worst it can have thrown at it to take care of this. Might as well finish out my outlined treatment plan. I gotta remember to trust God. It's all been in His hands anyway.

And speaking of, I suppose I should explain why I needed two more revisions to my breast since I last updated. Same damn issue each time. That weird random leaking occurred. So my radiation has been on hold ALL this time. I don't even get my stitches out again until next Monday. Praying so hard this will be the last revision that will be have been needed. I want to get this show back on the road!

So I've talked about my suffering body self image since my surgery, and I think it's finally time I found a therapist so I can discuss it along with everything else I've been through. You comprehend how heavy it all is as you're going through it, but you don't prepare yourself for the aftermath. I don't really see how one could either.

I simply keep on trying to do the best I can with all the heaviness I have weighing on my heart.

Oh, and bringing up the subject of doing the best I can... argh, this mop of curly hair I've got! Haha. Not everyone has their hair regrow as curly after chemo, so WHY me?! It frustrates me so! >_<

And all I hear is that I'm stuck with this new texture for at least 2 years. Maybe forever. Ah well, I shouldn't whine too horribly much. It is a vast improvement over no hair at all. Lol, it is tough though as I have no clue how to manage it. If you Google anything about "chemo curls", there's so little information too. I thought surely some other woman has put some tutorial or recommendation up on how to cope with it. No such luck!

I'll have to share my knowledge as I deal with it I suppose, so there can be something for some other poor unfortunate soul who will walk down this path and search for the same thing. 

Note the headband to hold back the chemo-fro with an attempt to make it look girly/fashionable.

I haven't decided whether to let it grow from here on out or if I want to let it grow a bit more and then get a neato haircut. Probably the latter. I'm not yet ready to grow my hair out and face the dreadful mullet that comes with growing out short short hair. Been there. Done that. Not looking forward to going there again. :P 

I was going to share a few photos to prove it, but after looking through them? Uhh, yeah, I'd really rather not. Haha

Other than visiting a doctor of some kind or another, just been busy with work and running other errands as needed for Jason and I. The fatigue persists, but I didn't expect that to disappear any time soon.

As cruddy as things look to me at times as I delve a little further into my survivorship, I remind myself that I am damn blessed to be here. My 1 year diagnosis anniversary is coming up this next month. Hard to believe that so much has happened in only a year. Frightening to think of where I'd be by this point if I hadn't caught it. Would I even be around?

So, I say it yet again, THANK YOU GOD! For better or worse, I'm happy to be alive. Life is not the same since. It won't and it can't be, but I'm glad to accept it with an open mind and heart. This is my path and I will tread on to wherever it may take me.

Appreciate you all reading. God bless and I hope you have a wonderful month of March ahead of you!

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" 2 Corinthians 5:17