Leave a light on

It's been a wee bit over a week since I had my second breast reconstruction surgery. Sort of really hoping and praying it's my last too. Time will tell, but at this point, the results are night and day from what I was rockin' on my right side prior. 

Pre-surgery: IV in, thumbs up.

 

Surgery was relatively easy. When I came to after,  I had pain and was given a Vicodin. I was able to stuff some crackers in my face immediately. The pain didn't come on until the following day and day after though. Overall, I would say the pain after was more punishing than my first breast reconstruction surgery.

As it turned out, I didn't require a drain after! Lots of surprises for Dr. Doezie when he got in there to do my capsulectomy, in truth. My implant had a 3/4 inch tear in it. Thank God it was cohesive gel! It was also twisted. Partially beneath the muscle, and the rest on top of the muscle. O_O How the even? haha So bizarre.

So he swapped out the implant with a fresh one, and instead of removing all the scar tissue completely, he removed some and created some scoring throughout it so it'd have room to expand for the implant. All this took an extra hour than planned too.

It looks awesome so far. I finally have some breast softness on that side, and the slope matches well with my left side. I'm super pleased with the results, aesthetically speaking. The down side? Tricky to know if I'm doomed to feel tightness on that side of my chest for eternity or not. I know my body is still healing, but just... guh. >:( 

 

At what point do you just sort of wish you could not need to worry about this hot mess? 

We all take for granted what we have until we don't have it any longer. Or if we're even blessed enough to have it in the first place. 

Like it would be a tremendous loss for anybody who has had eyesight all their life to suddenly become blind. Point being, I miss having my normal, flawed chest in tact. It tried to murder me and all, but it was comfortable and natural and mine. 

Most days my decision and what I've been through don't weigh on me. Nobody would even know  what I've experienced if I wasn't such an open book. Perhaps I even hang onto it too much at times. But you don't go through this shit and not allow it to mold you on some level.

I do my best not to bring up all the negative thoughts I have near daily. I shove it deep down and smile when that's the last thing I'd like to do. It's the fear of the disease returning. It's the pain I feel when I hear of any person going through it. The way your altered view of life makes you look at others and their priorities differently.

I'll see some cancer survivors talk about moving on with their lives. Trying to forget it ever happened. I deeply admire and respect them if they're able to accomplish that. I can and have moved on for the most part, but so much is still so different. 

The days I do forget, those are my better ones without a doubt. 

But... I'm alive. I'm all scarred and stitched up and broken; however, I'm still here. That's something I must perpetually tell myself.

So please Lord, forgive me once again. I stumble and some times it takes me longer to get back up and regain my stride. I will regain it though, specifically with and by your loving aide.

And lest we not forget, everything happens for a reason. Everything. As much as I despise that fact at times, it is the truth. :)

For all I know, maybe this will all heal perfectly and be fantastic. All I know now is that I'm still uncomfortable and in pain. Better option any day than not being here to complain about it though. 

God sees it fit for me to exist here still, so I shall exist and try to exist the best I know how. Showing kindness to others above all else. The world can never have too much kindness. And while being positive isn't always my strongest suit, I try to bring that to those around me as well as often as possible. It's the best I can do. 

No reason for me to be harsh on myself for any feeling I feel.

That said, I want to acknowledge my wonderful husband and parents. Mom and Dad were there again for this surgery. My Mom had even made me some healthy and fibrous soupy type stuff to eat post surgery. :) So so sweet. 

Jason took this one of my adorable parents as they all waited for me.

And Jason patiently, sweetly took great care of me afterwards. I love that fella kind of a lot. The evening after surgery, he had to literally feed me because I couldn't raise my right arm without extreme pain. He helped bathe me and cooked and cleaned and bathed me. Demeaning as it feels to require dependency on another person, I'm grateful to God that my husband is and has been amazing and willing enough to help me. 

Oh, he was my chauffeur too! Surgery was on Friday, June 13th, and I returned to work the following Wednesday. I wasn't allowed to drive, so he would drive and drop me off before going to work, etc. etc. It was pretty fun to carpool, admittedly. :) 

Anyway, thank you Beeyah for blowing my mind with your love and care. I am blessed to call you mine. <3 And Mom and Dad, thank you for everything as always! God is good to me by surrounding me with people who love me, and I love, so very much.

Lastly, our precious kitty Michonne, was also in on assisting me in my healing. The morning after, she crawled up on my lap and didn't move. She cuddled with me nonstop for those days I was hurting the most. Sweet girl.

My cuddlebutt kitty passed out on me as I recover. <3

That does it for now, everyone! Wishing you all a most grand week! Go appreciate and spend some time with the beings you love.

Until next time, God bless you all and take care. 

"The light shines in the darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not." John 1:5

I believe in hope; I believe if I let go, I'll float

Soooo, kind of a lot has occurred since my last post! And I am most pleased and blessed to report that nearly all of the happenings are good ones! 

First things first, I saw my new PCP and she was fantastic. She put in the referral for me to see Dr. Doezie, the plastic surgeon I had been desperately trying to find a way to see. Well, the referral was approved!! I had no idea if it would go through or not as he's covered by our insurance, but just outside of our HMO group's coverage. So having that first major hurdle accomplished, I was able to schedule my consultation. 

My appointment with him was the day before my 29th (ugh) birthday, and what an unbelievable bday present I got! He told me that he believes he can fix my right breast without needing to do any flap surgery. Praise the Lord, like, for serious!

He's planning to do a capsulectomy, which is fancy-talk for cutting the scar tissue away that has encapsulated my right breast implant. Then he will likely swap it with a new implant. This time I will have a single drain. Bummed about the drain, but one sure sounds a lot better than the five I had to drag around after my mastectomy... ;)

In case it seems as though I'm talking about this as if it's coming up soon, that's because it is! My surgery is this next Friday!! I can dig it. Little to no time for me to dwell on it. The longer a surgery date floats around, the more you have time to think and worry. Which is no bueno says this Anj!

Instead, I shall get it done with and pray it is smooth and successful. 

Okay, so that's the big, most relevant news! Some other big stuff for me has gone down since April as well though.

I am no longer working for Starbucks. It took some huge changes to finally give me the push I needed to leave that job behind. It wasn't really the job itself that kept me at it. It was the regular customers I connected with, and of course the friendships I had formed with co-workers. I am extremely loyal and I felt it wrong to abandon these people.

However, it was ever so slowly poisoning my life. I was exhausted, bitter, and most of all, unhappy. I started applying for jobs where I wouldn't be expected to be on my feet my entire shift. I was also looking for a decent company to join that I could grow with. Maybe settle into a career at, etc.

Before I put in my resignation at Sbux, I had interviewed and been hired by a company in Irvine. It was described to me that my duty would be calling and setting up appointments for salespeople with businesses who were interested in the services the company sold. 

Sounded easy enough! Plus the sweet promise of full time hours, Monday through Friday work schedule, and bonus opportunities? That was all more than I needed to hear to lure me away. I was asked to start immediately. 

First week was all training. We weren't even on the phones until midday Thursday of that first week. The longer I was there in training, the more I realized I had been suckered into being hired for a telemarketing job. :( 

I survived that Thursday on the phones, and made it to lunch on that Friday before realizing I would be even more unhappy than I had been working at Sbux recently. So I politely waited until the lunch hour was over... packed up my things, thanked the trainers for the opportunity but apologized telling them the job was not a good fit. Like, really. Worst. Fit. Ever. 

I felt reckless. I left the job I knew for this "promising" new one, and it was all a mirage. I had even unintentionally burnt some bridges with my resignation from Starbucks because I wasn't able to put in my two weeks. All again, for this other job. And now I had left that job. 

I was unemployed and if I didn't get something, and get something relatively fast, I didn't know what Jason and I would do. We wouldn't be able to afford rent or our bills. All this running around my head, and I felt an eerie calm. Peaceful and relieved by it all.

As it turned out, God had it all under control. I trusted Him that I was doing the right thing. I trusted Him that He would lead me to what I was meant to be doing. 

I was unemployed for maybe a grand total of 5 days? A dear mutual friend of Jason and mine named Lindsay has a caring mother named Jayne, of whom I have only had the pleasure of meeting once before in person. She had read our pleas for anybody with any jobs leads in our area and had supplied me with a great lead!

We knew it could be a long shot because a lot of people were applying for it, and my interview was sort of last minute. But I figured I'd go in there and just be my Anj-ish self. And it went well, but I again never expected anything. 

Well, the day after my interview, I went about my business. I made it to church and was lazing about at home afterwards, but I felt really positive about everything. I felt that I needn't worry. I could put forth effort and see what would happen, but it was vital for me to simply trust. 

I texted Jason telling him just that. He mentioned feeling the same. So I decided I would get on my computer to check for new job listings. About 5 minutes after that, I got a call being offered the job I interviewed for! Nearly cried. I was overwhelmed with gratitude. 

And I started the following day. :) I'm working as a receptionist/administrative assistant for a wonderful little company called Absolute Health Care. The owners, Vicki and Ron, are amazingly kind and generous people... and the other girl in the office, Katherine, is super cool and fun to talk to. She's the one who shared the lead on Facebook that Jayne honed in on for me, by the way! 

Needless to say, I adore my new job. ^_^ AND if you or anyone else reading this knows of anybody needing caregiver services provided by a compassionate company in the Orange County area of California, look us up! 

Oh, and I know I mentioned it briefly, but I also lived to celebrate another birthday! While I could whine about how turning 29 sucks lemons, I shan't. You know why? I'm alive! And I'm dang proud to be alive three years after receiving a cancer diagnosis. 

In summary, life is good and I am blessed beyond words.

I pray that all of you share in feeling the same. :) Hopefully, be typing to you all again real soon with a more normal/improved right booby! Haha! 

Until then, God bless you all!

"But I trusted in you, O LORD: I said, You are my God." Pslam 31:14

We only get one shot at this

Hoohoo blog!

Much has gone on and much has changed since last I wrote... yet so much is still the same as well! 

My 2 year cancerversary came and went without much notice. Truthfully, I think I went to work as it were any other day. I didn't even realize it had been two years since my diagnosis until a few days later. Haha! I would like to think that's better than obsessing on it, but I should like to mark it a bit better from here out. I want to always appreciate each year -- each month -- each week -- each day -- each hour -- each minute -- each moment, that passes... 

 I know I'm something of a broken record on specific subjects, but they are SO precious. Not everyone is guaranteed tomorrow. A bit over two years ago, that fact became abundantly clear to me. Thus, I will be a better survivor (should I be blessed enough to celebrate my third cancerversary) and make a celebration out of it again next year. :)

Soooo, besides having an obliviously peaceful cancerversary, I did get through all my tests performed by my cardiologist. And you know what we discovered? Not a lot. We determined I'm extremely physically deconditioned. Say what?? I'm crazy out of shape. Go figure.

Had to wear this heart monitor for 48 hours straight. It got super itchy!

Happy to find out my ol' ticker isn't damaged from the cancer treatment, but really? All that to be told I'm out of shape? Lol! I could have saved us a lot of time and money!! Ah well. It stinks because I was in pretty decent shape before the shit hit the fan. ;) My cardiologist was at least nice about not making me feel guilty about it though. He explained that I have good reason for it happening since I had no choice but to take it easy and rest for the better part of the past year plus.

There is an unlikely chance that I might have developed late symptoms of radiation damage to my heart, as it can't always be detected on echocardiograms, but he says I have no other symptoms besides the rapid heart rate. Phew!

Personally, I'd rather not have trouble with my heart. I sort of need it, like, for living and stuff! ^_^

And guess who happens to be portacath-less now?!

Yep, it is no more! I'm still trying to get used to being without it. You don't appreciate normal until normal isn't an option anymore. Having that odd little plastic device living under my skin just beneath my collarbone was normal for a good long while.

So I was given the choice to have it done in the surgery center and be put under for it, or my surgeon could give me local anesthetic and remove it in the back room. I chose the latter of course, you know, because I'm Batman a bad ass. 

I learned that anesthetic really burns once it is injected. I also learned that there is absolutely nothing natural about hearing tearing and slicing sounds that you know are coming from your own body. Only a little unsettling... hahaha! My entire body was so tense I was shaking, sooo I was pretty excited when it was all done. Still took about 45 minutes, but at least Jason could be in the room with me. <3

And he got a picture of my port being held up like a trophy-fish after it had vacated my body!

Gross, I know -- sorry!

I recall being so against having the port put in originally. I didn't want another scar if I could help it. Strange as it sounds, it's one of my favorite ones. Jason informed me it's one of his faves too. There's something about it. I think it's because it's so recognizable. You see someone with that clean scar and you can probably safely assume that it was used for administering chemo. Something like a badge of courage.

If I was bolder, perhaps I'd share my other scars, but I don't know about all that. Although I respect and admire the survivors willing to bare theirs completely. With that, I can perfectly segue into this photo I found of a stunning mastectomy scar cover up tattoo. The size and placement is fairly close to what I dream of having. Assuming that skin can be tattooed.

Seriously gorgeous (and inspirational) mastectomy cover up tattoo.

I have yet to see my gynecologist again. I was so tied up with appointments last month that I spaced on the time of the appointment and missed it. I really need to reschedule... as I have some irregularities and concerns. And I still want to get the IUD.

 

The fuuuun never ceases! Lol, and I do now have a brand new PCP, so I need to get in to see her. I have a million things I want to bring up with her but I also want to push for a referral for the cosmetic surgeon I want. Praying that will all work out.

Christ has gotten me this far. I trust He will continue to see me through. No matter the stress or pain or fear I must face, He is there. There is always comfort in that, and I need to focus on that when things get hard.

And well, that's about all I have for now everybody! Thanks for taking the time to read! May the Lord bless you and I wish you all a beautiful weekend! Make sure to go love who you love, be happy and make some lovely memories. :)

"Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it." Luke 9:23-24 

Might not be a lot but I'm making the most

Well blog, seeing as I'm updating you less than a month since my last post, then you must know I come bearing news.

So I met with that plastic surgeon that my nurse navigator had heard of. That was one of the hardest days I had had in a long while on this journey. He took one brief glance at my chest and told me -- 

1.) I wouldn't be able to get tattooed there because the skin was far too thin.

and 2.) Simply having a smaller implant put in to replace my current one on the right side, was not going to be successful; therefore, it was not an option for me.

He went on to further deflate me by explaining my only option available would be either TRAM or latissimus dorsi flap surgery. Then, he explained that generally only plastic surgeons who do TRAM/lat flap surgeries on a regular basis are comfortable doing them. 

In other words, he was done dealing with me. I was too much of a hassle. If not, that's definitely the vibe I got off the experience. It was a $40 co-pay to be dismissed immediately. Frustrating as it was, it was eye opening.

I need a cosmetic surgeon who is going to be patient, kind and willing to help "fix" me. 

So begins another challenge. We are quite limited on the number of plastic surgeons covered by our insurance. There is one in particular, I have had recommended to me by multiple reliable sources that I'd really like to be able to see. So now Jason and I are working towards anything we can to try and make that happen. 

This doc I want, specializes in breast reconstruction. He's done a lot of the surgeries for women in the breast cancer support group I had been to before. I just feel God is pointing me towards seeing him. If that's true, I think this will all pan out the way we're hoping. Time shall tell. 

Even my general surgeon, Dr. Kushner, recommended this cosmetic surgeon to me. Speaking of Dr. Kushner! I saw him earlier this week about having my port removed FINALLY. He was concerned about the issue with my heart racing which I'll get back to, but I was able to schedule an appointment to have my port yanked.

I was given the choice to have it scheduled and done at the surgical center, or just done in the back room where his office is. Only difference is twilight sleep. I decided I'm okay not being put under for this. I still get local anesthetic, so it's not like I'll feel anything. I'll just look away when he's slicing and stuff. ;)

As for my heart, well, I did eventually get a phone call from my cardiologist's office. They said my blood work looked fine. No hyperthyroidism then or anemia. After being prompted by Dr. Kushner, I called and scheduled to get my echocardiogram. My cardiologist had another test he wanted me to get, so I scheduled that and a follow up as well. 

The other one is to monitor my natural heart rate for 3 days. So I have to wear a monitor and check in each day for that I guess? The fun never ends, you guys! Haha

Ah, I also finally made it in to see my gynecologist. I literally hadn't seen him since maybe a couple months after my original diagnosis. He was very relieved to see me alive and doing fine. I thanked him up and down for helping me move things along so quickly, since he was the one who confirmed further testing about the breast lump I had.

I should have seen him more recently, seeing as I'm more at risk for cervical/ovarian cancer as someone who has breast cancer. So I'm nervous about getting my pap results. Hopefully all is normal and well. I'm going back next week, to have a hormone-free IUD placed and he's going to do an ultrasound on my pelvic area.

As I said, the fun never ends! I still have more docs to visit after these ones too, but I don't want to think about that right now. Lol! But you know, I would take preventative maintenance appointments any day over a lot of other things.

Other than filling my weeks with as many doctor visits as I can manage, I've been working and napping and squeezing fun in here and there. 

Disneyland has been my life long happy-place/refuge, plus the hubby and I have a ton of sentimental  history as a couple attached to it as well. So we've had a chance to get back there a bit more recently. Not much more in life makes me happier than being there, nonetheless being there with him. :)

We can't afford to take a real vacation, so it's our next best thing. And I am blessed and grateful for it. <3

With the mention of expenses, I must bring up something I debated with myself whether or not to post about here.

Now, I try not to speak of our financial issues. Not for pride's sake, but because I never wanted to worry anyone. 

Before I go on, it should be said that we have received generosity and kindness from family, more than I ever feel we ever could have deserved, earlier on during this ordeal. That help was what kept us afloat. 

We are just about 2 years out since my DX. Treatment didn't end for me until May 2013, and my last surgery was in August 2013. We are still trying to pay off my radiation therapy. On top of that, my so-called routine testing, has a much heftier co-pay. Our specialists co-pay went up last year as well. 

You think if you're blessed enough to beat cancer, it's all sunshine and cupcakes afterwards. And in many ways, it is! But the upkeep to make sure you remain cancer free... the lasting side effects... the medical bills that never cease... 

It takes its toll. At the suggestion of one my dear friends, Stacey (she was a fellow Disney bride too!), Jason made an account for us on a medical fundraising website called Give Forward. The money donated, which I am shocked and humbled we've received as much as we have so far, is going to help us pay off our medical bills. 

https://www.giveforward.com/fundraiser/6q24/anj-s-breast-cancer-treatment

Please, by no means feel obligated... prayers are deeply appreciated, but if you're interested in donating to help us out, click HERE. 

I feel so strange asking for donations. I don't see how or why little ol' me would be any worthier than anyone else out there, but I do feel so immensely touched by the outpouring of loved ones sharing and donating. Not to forget those beautiful strangers who have as well! <3 I see Christ is alive and well in each of these kind souls.

I hope we'll be able to return the favor one day. By our Lord's grace and mercy, I know we will. 

Even with all our stressful money dealings, I can't complain. It could be so much worse. I am ever grateful for each day. I, very heartbreakingly, was slapped with this reminder when my friend and personal cancer-warrior-hero, Stan, lost his battle a few weeks ago.

His optimism and love is resounding. He was and shall ever be an inspiration to myself and many others. I never saw him whining about anything, ever. The guy had plenty cause, out of nearly everyone I've known, to complain too. He never did. He fought nearly without end for 3 years.

I aspire to be that way... although I'm sorry, Stan. I don't think I'm as saintly as you were. :) 

Stan with his lovely wife, Fatima

Rest peacefully Stan. May God bless you, my friend, and may He bless your courageous wife, my friend Fatima as well. Let us all be appreciative for our blessings, great and small.

That covers everything new in my little world.  I hope to have more to share, and hopefully all positive news at that, in the coming weeks. 

Wishing you all a marvelous March! God bless!

"Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful."  Colossians 3:15

 

Trying to hear above the noise

Happy (belated) 2014 to you blog-readers of mine! Hoping your new year has been filled with nothing but beautiful moments thus far!

I felt compelled to finally quit procrastinating and update this little ol' blog as today happens to be World Cancer Day. A day dedicated to debunking myths regarding cancer, as well as raising awareness.

Since last I posted... I went ahead and got my hair cut. I now have a fashionable pixie style that appears MOSTLY straight. Chemo curls were pretty well eradicated when I lost the extra hair length.

Good riddance, chemo curls!

I went and saw the cardiologist. Apparently some wires got crossed and I didn't receive an echocardio that day, but I did have an EKG done. Looked fine. My heart rate is still crazy high, around 115bpm, and the cardiologist suspected I might have hyperthyroidism. I got blood work done for it, and never heard back. So that's still a mystery that requires further investigation.

It restricts my lifestyle though. I get winded super easily since my heart is already beating so quickly, when it elevates due to exertion, I feel like I might pass out. :( So, I definitely need to find out what that's all about.

I finally made my appointment to see about having my port removed! Unfortunately it will be on Valentines Day. lol But ah well! I'm all about getting that sucker removed sooner than later. One less time I might have to get a needle shoved in there for my every-three-months port flush would be fabulous. It gets more painful each time, so no thank you.

And most importantly, I made the decision to give up on fighting my health insurance/HMO group regarding my cosmetic surgeon. It's an uphill battle that I would not be able to win easily. Aside from that, it must be happening this way for a reason. Again I've put my faith in the Lord, and spoke to my nurse navigator again, and she recommended a plastic surgeon that's been used by several ladies in the support group she runs.

My appointment with the new cosmetic surgeon is this Thursday afternoon. AH! Which reminds me! I had to pull some strings when I wanted to make that appointment too! Apparently my HMO needed me to get a recommendation from one of my doctors to see this surgeon. So I call my primary care, and guess what? Yeah, she's no longer at that office anymore. Never heard a word about it.

It wasn't even like she moved to another local office. She moved her practice to like, many cities away from here. Thankfully they got another doctor at that office to approve my referral. Phew. So, I still need to see about getting a new PCP now as well. If it's not one thing, it's another. Lol :)

Anyhow, I meet my new surgeon on Thursday. Lord willing, he'll be kind and confident he can fix my chestual region. :P

Unrelated to cancer prevention upkeep and post cancer maintenance, I found out from my dentist that I have a pretty severe cross bite and I will likely be getting braces in the near future.

Thanks to technological advances in dentistry, there are much more discrete options for adults. So I won't necessarily look like Darla from Finding Nemo. Hopefully. I may still think I'm a piranha though. No promises. ;3

Other than what I've been blabbing about, I'm just trying to continue to cherish each day. Some days are much trickier than cherish than others, I'll have you know. But Jason and Michonne-kitty make it worthwhile for me always. Even if everything else sucks, I have them to come home to, to love me and spend time with.

And that's that for now! Wishing you all the grandest of weeks!

"I love you, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold."    Psalm 18:1-2

I'll shut up and carry on

Holy geez! How are we almost to Christmas already?! I seriously blinked and this year was pretty much gone. Believe me, I am NOT complaining. Happy to have another year here that I can blink through. Haha :)

As with my last post, I come bearing both pleasant and unpleasant news. Let's get the icky news out of the way first, shall we?

This past Saturday I received a written response to my grievance I had filed with my insurance company. They supported my HMO group's decision not to cover my surgery. So, my grievance was denied. Same reasoning was given, only slightly different phrasing: "it is not medically necessary for you to go outside of your medical group's network". Gee, it isn't? And that's all it comes down to right?

It has nothing to do with the fact that I feel comfortable with this surgeon handling my case because he has been on it since the very beginning. He knows how my body heals and what my breasts looked like prior to all this crap. I was so livid over the decision that I sobbed while reading that letter.

I'm not looking for a fight. I'm not looking for a surgery to correct my breast reconstruction for something minor either. Frankly, I've been experiencing a gradual increase in pain and tightness on that right side. But I suppose that it isn't medically necessary that Dr. Mowlavi do my second breast reconstruction. However, that's the only way I will feel comfortable with it.

 

I have no clue what action to take next, but I'm going to call and talk to his patient coordinator. Give her the news and ask what step I should take. If I'm not already out of options as it is.

The whole thing makes me feel sick. I can't imagine someone being so coldhearted that they could dismiss anyone who has been disfigured due to lifesaving surgery, the chance to feel whole again. Just brutal.

So here I am again. I trust you Lord. Not sure why this is going the way it is, but I am sure that it's in your plan and there is good reasoning for it.

Onto the good stuff!

My CT/PET results came back... and there was no sign of metastatic disease!!!! P.S. that means no cancer! 

YEEEEAAAH!

That's the best I could possibly hope for. Of course this means I've been dragging my heels on any other doctor visits I should be making. Such as scheduling to finally have my port-a-cath removed, or getting my echocardiogram done, visiting my gynecologist and opthamologist, etc. etc.

Gotta get through the holiday season, then I'll try to tackle all those things me thinks. I'd like to say that my business is pertaining to Christmas preparations but it's more due to work. It's stressful and tiring for this Anj normally, but this time of year there wears me out even more.

Speaking of when the season is over, I'm tempted to get a hair makeover once we reach the new year. But WHY?! many of you may ask. Well, my chemo curls seem to be reaching an end. My hair at the roots, and probably an inch or two of length from there is curl-less.  Soooo, my hair is becoming increasingly obnoxious to try and fix.

It will make my mama cringe (sorry Mom, I love you!), but I might need to chop it shorter. I also have a million split ends. The curls I have at the ends of my hair are very dry, despite what moisturizing EVERYTHING I may use on it. So anybody got any recommendations for me?

Not sure about the color either. I love the red, as does everyone, but I'm not sure if I enjoy the upkeep. I would love to do something fun if the Bux allowed it. Alas, that is not the case.

Or, I may end up chickening out on a hair makeover yet entirely because I'm still just so happy to have hair at all. Hahaha!

Click here to see the post and photo from last year!

A couple weeks ago, Jason and I went to his work's holiday party. Comparing a photo of me at last year's party opposed to this year, you might see why I'm a bit reluctant to cut my locks off too horribly much. It took a while to grow that dang hair out! I've only gotten trims once every 3 months I think?

Grumble grumble. Good to know I can concern myself with petty things again such as what my hair should look like. Lol! I know that sounds sarcastic, but I mean it!

Life continues to feel more and more normal. I pray it continues on that way for us.

Other than all that, our kitten Michonne is awesomesauce. She cuddles me almost nightly at bedtime and gives kitty kisses for days. She's definitely made us feel like we have our own little family. ^_^ So, have a photo of her adorableness for good measure!

That's all folks! In case I don't post again before the end of the year, I want to wish you all a most blessed and beautiful holiday season with your loved ones! At this time of giving and receiving, remember the love you share with one another is the most important gift of all. <3

...well, you know, besides the gift of Jesus being born unto the world that is! ;) Haha. Merry Christmas all and see you in 2014! God bless!

"Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed"  Proverbs 16:3

Whatever you're facing

Time you fill you in again my dear blog! ...literally! :3

As you may have guessed, my exchange surgery went excellently. It was a total piece of surgical-cake! Yum? Haha Well, I won't say I didn't have any nerves. I had some, but I knew I was in good hands.

All set and ready for my (hopefully) last surgery!

I woke up a couple hours after being put under. I was trembling and unable to control it, so my nice surgery recovery nurse gave me some medication that stopped that. I'll be frank, I don't recall a lot else after waking up from this surgery. I know I was wheeled out in a wheelchair to our car. I also believe I crashed when I got home. Anesthesia is freaky like that. Forget-me-now juice!

The pain wasn't very intense when I was first released from the surgical center, however it started to kick in real good as I was settling in at home.

Thus I thought:

Haha! Due to the aforementioned pain, the routine of 2 Percocet every 4-6 hours for several days began. Oh joy. I shan't sugarcoat this for you all. Painkillers taken that regularly + not eating or moving very much = extremely uncomfortable digestive issues. Gross and not fun.

Weaned myself off the Percocet as soon as the pain was somewhat tolerable because of that fact.

Thanks to my amazing parents, we got hooked up with lots and lots of healthy yummy foods in the house since we were to be stuck at home for a while. Then that Saturday after my surgery, Jason's wonderful sister (Bre) and wonderful mom (Violet) came to visit us and cook food for us.

Had my first post surgery 1-week check up this last Thursday. Since I'm unable to drive for now yet, Violet took me. It was the first time I got to be out for an extended amount of time after surgery. Appointment went well. Everything was healing the right way, with the exception of some redness at the top of my right breast. Looked sort of like a bruise? But that also happens to be my breast that received the most radiation treatment. 

Something else I learned that day...

When I woke up in recovery, I noticed I had some weird pink belt thing at the top of the new girls and above my regular bandages. I knew I was meant to keep all that on, or at least I assumed I was. However, nobody told me what it was for or how to keep it on there.

I walked into my check up wearing it down lower and backwards. Lol! My doc asked where my "breast band" was, and I go, "the pink thingy? I have it on!". Yeah sure I was wearing it. Incorrectly. Oopsie!

So for any of you other women out there who might face breast reconstruction with implants, or even a typical breast augmentation apparently... if you wake up with a velcroed soft belt thingamajig above your boobies, that's called a BREAST BAND. Leave it be! Hahaha

Its function? Ah, kind of an important one at that! It keeps your new foobies from migrating to places you don't want them.

Exhibit A: pink thing A.K.A breast band. Must be kept in place 24 hours a day.

I would love to wash that thing at this point, but I don't even know if I'm allowed to! I guess that's a question for Thursday when I go to my post-op 2 week check up? ;) Why do I get the feeling I gotta keep this thing on for at least the full 4 weeks? Still beats the crap out of having drains in!

So I'm kind of almost feeling like a normal human woman again. Almost. My new foobs are fantastic and fabulous. I'm quite happy with them so far. I hear it takes time for them to "drop and fluff" into place. Whatever that means. In my mind, it means settling into the pocket that's made for them.

Not a lot of pain at this point. Sometimes I have some at the end of the day, but primarily I'm just becoming increasingly itchy as I heal where the incisions were made. Can't complain about being a little scratchy.

Gotta regain my stamina and strength again as well. I get tired and winded more easily. Dumb surgery recovery. :P GEEZ BODY! It's not like you've been under any turmoil recently and trying to reknit my cells and junk!! Get it together already! >:D

I'm planning to return to work next Monday actually. Starting out with princess shifts (4 hours-ish) so I can reacclimate. You always think time from work will be a whole lot of stuff it doesn't turn out to be. I was so tired most of last week that I didn't do much of anything other than sit on my butt catching up on tv shows and resting.

As hot as it's been here in southern California for the past couple of weeks, I'm okay with having to be stuck inside.

Anyway, I'll be happy and feel quite blessed to be able to return to work so soon. Honestly, we really need the money I make. My parents are so kindly and generously helping us once again so we could get by without my income for these couple of weeks.

Lord willing, this will be the last time for all of this. Last surgery. Last needing time off without pay. Last cancer-related chapter in my saga.

As bizarre as it is, the thought that this might all be behind me makes me feel empty. It's been my life. OUR life, for close to two full years. It's almost like another job in a sense. I think I just need to be adamant about filling the void.

My life, as I've said many times before, will never be the same. If I was considered to have an 'old soul' before, then now my soul must be fricken ancient! The worries many of my peers speak of are so troublesome for me to even attempt to relate to. I don't mean to sound as though I'm minimizing anyones' feelings or fears, but you go through something like this and you see that things could be a whole lot worse. For ANYBODY.

Myself included! Aggressive stage 2-3 breast cancer? Say my chemo had failed to work properly. Or my lymph nodes had been cancerous? And there's people who have much much worse they face with far more grace than I could ever muster.

So for the rest of my life here on this earth, I shall try to remain humble, grateful and full of kindness. You never know what other people are going through. One smile could give another person the will carry on for that day. Etc.

And I do believe that's where I will leave you all for now! May you all have a most lovely week and weekend ahead. I look forward to filling you in with more boob related information again real soon.

God bless you all!

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ... I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."  Philippians 4:4, 12

Held me down but I got up

Hi again dear blog!

Sooo, my surgery is TOMORROW! Haha, Obviously, I have had my date for a while, but procrastination, yada yada, etc. ;)

On August 29th, I will get getting my brand new shiny set of foobies! No more mean ol' expanders. Which, I'd like to apologize to everyone who has hugged me in the past 10+ months. Particularly the more recent hugs. It's gotta be painful to hug a person with softballs implanted in their chest.

Soon enough they will be a thing of the past. Graduating to something closer to actual breasts will bring about better closure to this saga. I don't doubt I will never feel the same about my body, it can't be the same... because it's not. But, just as going to radiation treatment daily was a constant reminder of the cancer, so are these tissue expanders.

So they will receive a big, fat GOOD effing RIDDANCE from me upon their leave.

They have been a nuisance the entire time they've been living in my body. I'm not even sure if I have explained how very deeply I despise them. They press heavily on my chest and make me feel very short of breath at times. Although it sounds like some lofty excuse, I accredit my lack of routine exercise this year largely in part to this chest tightness/shortbreathed-ness. It bums me out.

Aside from that, I'm a side sleeper. For the past 10 months I have had to be a forced back sleeper. It's terrible. I keep two pillows on either side of me under my arms so I don't roll over. It still happens from time to time. I'll wake up crazy sore because I accidentally slept on my side or stomach a bit.

Come tomorrow morn, it will soon be a thing of the past. Granted I have to wait until I'm all healed up before I can probably sleep on my side again... but hoping and praying that chest tightness will be long gone.

 Yesterday was my last day working for the next 2-3 weeks. While I know I'll miss all my work buddies, I think this forced staycation is sorely needed. I do everything possible to remind myself not to feel frustrated with my lack of energy, but it's tough. I know before all this cancer treatment I would not tire so easily. I do wonder how long the fatigue will stick around. Ah well, now is not the time to be hard on myself! I gots relaxing and trying to keep my mind busy today so I don't succumb to my pre-surgery nerves.

Subconsciously I've been way ahead of myself. I've had issues staying asleep for the past several days. Even when I've been exhausted.

Thankfully I was prescribed Valium to take for surgery related anxiety. So here's to hoping I'll be well rested come the morning.

You'd think I wouldn't be afraid since this will be my third surgery, but I guess being nervous just comes with the territory. I keep on reminding myself over and over that it's in God's hands. And it is. So why bother worrying? There's nothing I can do about it anyway. :P

So today I'm not allowed to have alcohol or caffeine. The big one for me is the caffeine. Working at Starbucks, you kind of wind up dependent on the stuff. I feel all groggy and sluggish without it.

Harder yet will be abstaining from drinking any water after midnight. That's the worst. The no eating part? I'm not especially hungry prior to going under the knife anyway, but I do get crazy thirsty. That's one thing that can't really be fully described unless you've gone through it. Once they get those IV fluids pumping in ya, it's so sweet. Suddenly you don't feel thirsty. So strange.

Now that I'm thinking of it, they must think I'm a pro by now at this whole business. I got so little verbal instruction aside from a handout that was given to me when I signed necessary paperwork to undergo the procedure. I suppose it is a good thing I know the drill then!

For curious readers, YES I am going bigger than what God had given me naturally. This is the only situation I would have ever personally condoned implants for myself... so why not at least get something I want out of it? I had to go through a crap ton to get my booby upgrade! Haha

The deets are my surgeon is going to be using a "gummy bear" implant. It's made of a cohesive silicone filling and is teardrop shaped. Should look more like real breasts and shall be much less likely to cause rippling to occur.

These are the delicious, REAL inner contents of gummy bear implants... ;) (j/k!)

He also told me the size will be 550cc-700cc. I know that's a big gap but it has a lot to do with what he thinks will work. I'm filled at 500cc in my expanders and they don't seem all that big. We shall see!

After I'm all healed, I'll have some fat grafting around the implants so it'll look more natural. I can't wait! I shy away from low cut stuff these days. It's not very pretty for any of us to have to see, but I'm hoping that will be an option again sooner than later.

This morning I got up early and went to church. I wanted to go mostly so I could say thank you. I do it everyday, but when it's in His house, it feels different. So I did just that. Spent most of my time praising Him for giving me strength to fight. For allowing me to be at this point. I never thought I would have had the mental fortitude alone.

I am so very, very blessed. I pray that His love may shine through me and I can help others so they might see themselves as being blessed as well. No matter how much or how little you have, what you have is a blessing. What you don't have doesn't matter as much.

Speaking of blessings... I had some really amazing times over the past few days. Jason and I got to spend time with my parents on Saturday. Had some lunch and enjoyed one anothers' company. :) Then Sunday we got to see Violet (Jason's Mom), both his sisters and their families! We all had a nice linner together. Loved sharing time with family all weekend. It's such a gift!!

My Dad took this pic of us while we were out at lunch.

One of Jason's co-worker buddies, Jack, had been inviting us to come out for a cruise on his sailboat some time. We took him up on it on Monday! Had wonderful company and got to meet the amazing people he's currently working with. It was exceptionally peaceful and relaxing.

Our beautiful view from the sailboat.

And I think that's about all I've got for now everybody! Blessings and happiness and love to you all as always. Now go out and be the best you. Never less. ^_^ 

"Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation"  Isaiah 12:2