And she walks

Dear blog,

I am feeling deeply contrite for neglecting you. As is sadly common, in living normal life you take for granted the things which are normal. What I mean is that I've not posted because things have been going well! 

Not the worst of all excuses for my lack of posts, but still an excuse all the same. 

So with my apologies out of the way, I'd now like to update you on the newest!

Last I left you all, I was preparing to finish my radiation therapy. I did very happily complete it all back in May with no further hiccups.  To cross that final treatment finish line was beyond sweet. The commitment to go Monday through Friday was so mentally taxing. I almost didn't know how to react when I no longer had that obligation each day! 

I still tire very easily in comparison to my pre-diagnosis/treatment days. However, it's a vast improvement where I am energy wise versus my stamina level during radiation. 

Could I tell you that I'm running marathons and able to work 12-hour days and still go out afterwards? Oh hell naw! Haha. But I do feel a gradual return of energy. VERY gradual. Like, snail paced actually... but an improvement is still an improvement, right?!

After closing the radiotherapy chapter of my cancer saga, I had to wait for a couple of places on my right breast to fully heal up before seeing my cosmetic surgeon. One spot was particularly stubborn as it would JUST. NOT. HEAL. 

It was teeny-tiny too. One day there was a small thing poking from it that turned out to be another stitch my body decided it wasn't going to absorb. Once that sucker came out, it healed up in no time. I called and scheduled my first post rads saline expansion. 

Doc decided to fill only my left side as it was in need of it because it was deflated so much for better access during radiation. This last Thursday was to be my next fill. Went in with only the intention of getting closer to the size I want to be at. 

We went in not expecting much because at my last appointment, Dr. Mowlavi told me he'd like for me to wait 3 months more until we did my exchange swap surgery. 

Boy were WE surprised!

I did get a fill on my right finally, and quite well more to the size I will be, but it seems there may be a very slow leak in my left expander. I guess normally if there happens to be a leak, there would be a surgery to swap out that tissue expander. Seeing as I'm so close to being done, he favored moving up my swap surgery instead.

I bet you can guess who's going under the knife again in the next few weeks?! This Anj! 

Exceedingly unexpected but it is what it is and I trust God. I trust His goodness, His timing and His will. This is when it's supposed to occur, so it will. ^_^

I don't have my official date, but I will after tomorrow. I've had a follow up appointment scheduled to see Dr. Wagner for months so I'm seeing him after I get off work. Then I'm shooting straight over to pick up and sign papers for my forthcoming surgery from Dr. Mowlavi's office.

Haha, oh! And I'm seeing Dr. Wagner to report on how I'm doing being on Tamoxifen and finally the order for my CT scan. I'd been anxiously awaiting that. No matter how official papers are claiming there is no more cancer in you, my mind tells me I've been done with treatment for 3 months now. I finished chemotherapy nearly a year ago! In the back of each survivor's mind is that darkest of fears, "what if it came back?". 

Until I have more finalization that those terrible self sabotaging cells of mine are still 100% bye bye, I won't have complete peace of mind. The trouble is, I don't know if I'll be able to swing all these doctor appointments between everything depending on how quickly my surgery date shall arrive. 

Gotta jump through those hoops again. Clearance from the primary care physician who then asks you to have x, y and z exams done elsewhere. If I throw in a scan, finishing up possible dental work I've been procrastinating about, and fitting that all in between my work schedule... you might say I'm a little frazzled inside.

Here we go again, Lord! ;)

So what, pray tell, have I been doing in my blogging absence you ask? Well, working. And then working. And then recovering and napping and gaming and reading. And then working some more. :) Pretty standard, normal life living type of stuffs. Soaking up the pleasant little things and griping over insignificant ones like some sort of average joe. Essentially, relishing the normalcy I was robbed of by cancer for 15+ months. :P

My hair has grown. I had to get a trim a couple weeks ago. I don't know why hair inherently becomes a mullet as it grows out from nothingness, but it does. I had the hair stylist trim that party in the back to match the business in the front STAT. I hated my curls with a fearsome loathing at first, but I've grown fond of them with time. It makes me feel a little old timey. Like some sort of dame with lazy finger waves!

I have never received so many compliments on my hair as I have in the past 6 months or so. It might be slightly atrocious of me but I take great delight in people's responses when I explain why curls have not been the primary texture of my hair all my life. Some people handle it very gracefully. Others are speechless. Some are apathetic. It's intriguing to see which I get. 

Could I hold the truth from a stranger? Easily, but I feel like more people should be exposed to the reality of how commonplace cancer is. Almost everyone you know has had someone close to them touched by the disease in one way or another. Yet we still shy away from it as though it's something contagious. Like you could will it upon yourself or your loved one by saying its name three times simultaneously. Lol 

I was guilty of this thinking at one point too. I thought of the C as a disease that ends only in death. It could happen to the "other guy" and maybe even his family or friends, but it couldn't happen to MY family. Nope. Or MY friends. And least of all, to ME.

You would think that as a society, we would have grown to see that isn't true in the slightest. If this disease can happen to sweet babies and children, it can happen to anybody at any time for no tangible reason. Allow me to emphasize tangible. Surely there is plenty of reason for it, yet we may find none for it here.

Anyhow, my Susan G. Komen 3 Day fundraising is not going all that well. I suppose that I've not put enough into it either. I'm still going to give it my best to reach my minimum, but if either Jason or I can't reach that $2300, we can't walk. :( Simple as that. I'm so grateful to the few who have donated in our names. So to the few of you who have, your kindness and help is a blessing! Thank you!

And if any of you kind souls do happen to be interested in donating: CLICK MEEEEE! :D 

With that, I think I've reached that point of I've said all I'd like to say for now! Thanks for reading and following along. I will do a smallish update once I have my implant surgery date in sight.

Until then, I'm wishing you all the very best always. Lots of love and happiness and good things! God bless and take care.

"Now may the Lord of peace Himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you."  2 Thessalonians 3:16

Catching my breath

Between work, my daily radiation treatment, therapy appointments and my overall fatigue... I find it hard to squeeze time to write a blog post! So I do apologize once again for my recent silence, but I assure you that as a general rule of thumb, no news is (mostly) good news!

This time that good news happens to be that I have not had any hiccups with my treatment this go 'round! Sounds like a small victory, which it is, but I'm totally psyched to not run into any further trouble so far.

And better news yet than that? This is my LAST week of radiation treatment! Yeeeaaah!

Since I'm wrapping up with this whole chapter of my cancer journey, I figured some of you might be interested to see where and what gives me my treatment!

First up is the machine that administered my first 31 doses of radiation. I'd lie down on the table, put my right arm up in that cup-looking-thingy and the machine would spin around me. It was a bit on the older side and rather clunky, so with the approval of my radiation tech, I named it Bessie.

My rads tech Brian photobombed this pic of Bessie for me.

Now that I'm receiving the "boost" portion of my treatment, I've graduated to a different room and machine! It's really more of the same with the exception of that cube extension. See the cut out on it? That's my tailor made cookie cut out to seclude the radiation to the scar on my right breast.

Kinda nifty right? Since this machine is newer, quieter and slightly sleeker while still being on the large side... I decided to name her Dolores. I have my reasons. :D

I didn't ask Brian to photobomb this time. :P

So I'll finally be able to sort of feel like less of a cancer patient when I'm done with this treatment.

I know I'll still have medical obligations to maintain, but it will be far less demanding. I will no longer have a DAILY reminder of everything. That by itself exhausts me. It's not like I'm going to forget I had cancer. So having to go to the parking lot of the hospital where I had my breasts removed and then receive my radiation at a place where I am once again the youngest person being treated Monday through Friday? Yeah, not so bueno! A little tough to swallow some days.

And I get so upset with myself over my fatigue. Thankfully, one of my therapists (I'll get back to that!) used an analogy to help me understand and cope with it better though.

She said I need to think of an infant. Babies sleep and they sleep A LOT. Why? Because they're growing right? This means they have a bazillion cells dividing and multiplying. Cancer patients who have had the typical combo of chemo and radiation have had many cells, both good and hopefully mostly bad, destroyed. So know what happens next? We gotta regrow those suckers! Makes sense, but I never thought of it that way.

I try to have more patience with my poor tired body as a result now. :)

Back to the talk of therapy! Haha. Well, I've been seeing my counselor individually for about a couple months now. It's beneficial, but I'm hoping to get even more out of it with time. Now, Jason and I started marriage counseling a few weeks ago. My therapist recommended the person we're seeing and she's fabulous. Looking forward to all the positivity that will come from the help we're/I am getting.

Speaking of Jason and I as a couple! Today marks the day we started dating, which was six years ago. We've been together ever since! Pretty unbelievable. Seems like so much shorter and so much longer all at the same time. I don't mention often enough how blessed and grateful I am for him. It's been a really trying year + for us both individually and together. But you know what? We've weathered the storm and we're still very much in love. I feel like we can only grow in our marriage even more from here on out. 

God saw us through some very heavy stuff. Now we need to realize that the worst is behind us. Time to get back to enjoying our life together. And time, especially, to celebrate! 

On top of being together for 6 years, our 3rd wedding anniversary is a week from today! That plus my final radiation treatment? I think that calls for some celebration! <3 

May 8, 2010 - right after we got hitched! <3

Anyway, I just want to thank my sweet sweet husband for standing beside me. For continuing to love me and continuing to find me beautiful, despite what I think of myself. For caring for me when I couldn't care for myself. For taking on the burden of this journey and not running away. For supporting me in so many ways even when it was hard for him to support himself.

I love you Jason. I thank the Lord for you every day and I will for the rest of my days.

Let's see... other than lots of lurve and work and an end to treatment being within sight? Planning and trying to train a bit for the Susan G. Komen 3 Day! Got my shoes for the walk! Pricey, but well worth it if it saves me from injury. They are insanely comfy. 

I went to this walking/running specialty store called Roadrunner Sports to get them. They're a partner with Susan G. Komen for the events so I thought it'd be a good place to start. They did this whole crazy assessment process where they recorded my feet as I walked on a treadmill, measured my feet, etc. etc.

Apparently I have very high arches and over pronate on my right foot. Who knew? I sure as hell didn't. Lol! However, I'm glad to know before I walk 60 miles over the course of three 

 days!

My hair is growing in nicely. It is NOT nice to tame though. These curls are seriously cray-cray. I can't decide if I want to bear with it and allow it to grow or whether to cut it into some amazeballs, kick ass short style. 

All I will say is thank God for thick stretchy cloth headbands and hair products to soothe my twisty locks of pure insanity. Regardless, here is my current hair progression:

This is what a barista-mode-Anj looks like.

Aaaand that does it for now folks! I shall leave you all with my song of the moment.

God bless you all. I hope you have a wonderful day/week/month ahead of you. Always always remember to enjoy every minute of it. Yes, even weekdays and chores and other obligations. ;) They're all blessings you know, even if not in the most obvious of ways.

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails"  Proverbs 19:21

Here in the power of Christ I'll stand

This post is a week and some change late as I had intended to post on my genuine cancerversary (March 20th). However, life and my unrelenting will to procrastinate interfered with that happening. Haha

A fair amount has occurred since my last post! I've had a couple more breast revisions; one not so successful and the other one quite successful. THANK YOU GOD! 

It'd been a nightmare how the revise would look great until after my sutures were removed. Then after showering, I'd spring a leak. So the last time it was done, we thought a new direction would be best. So he removed some saline from my expander and then patched me back up with only internal sutures that would dissolve. 

I got the final okay after another long 11 days, and then I was able to go back to see my radiation oncologist and got the okay to continue treatment finally after my 2+ month hiatus. Got rescanned and all that good stuff. Then I had to wait to get the phone call for my dry run to finalize my reformed treatment plan. Got that call yesterday afternoon. Looks like Monday I'll be doing that. Hopefully that means I'll be back to a regular treatment plan starting Tuesday!

In other new news is that Jason got a job promotion, which is fantastic and with such perfect timing! We can really seriously use the extra income what with all the medical bills we still need to pay. I'm so ridiculously proud of him!! :D Way to go, beeyah!

Jason and I also made the commitment recently to sign up for the Susan G. Komen 3-Day in San Diego! I cannot wait. It'll be a great experience and a fabulous reason to need to get in good shape. I mean seriously, walking 20 miles each day for 3 days in a row? That's pretty brutal! I'm pumped about it. Truthfully, I'm more concerned about the fundraising aspect of this commitment. 

If any of you reading this are able to donate even just $1, I'd be extremely grateful. It might not seem like much but it all adds up. And the donations received will go towards further research in finding a cure and helping women/men with getting proper testing and treatment.

If you'd like to donate to our team, CLICK HERE. ;)

So beyond the good cause and all that, this is a challenge I feel I want... no, I NEED to conquer. Nothing to me says "eff you" to cancer more than walking in support of a cause to end it as a survivor. It's like, HEY CANCER! I pwned you and now I fully intend on pwning yo mama too. Haha.

Our team, by the way, earned its namesake by way of honoring my lonely scarred Barbie-boob. We are... 

Please please pleeeease consider donating to our team.

Yep! Originally we were going to be Team Frankenbooby, but I found that to be way too typical. We had to geek it up. Since it's sort of a quest and all, and happily not to a mountain of doom (although we are trying to save people fighting for their lives against their own mountains of doom!). lol

Back to the hot topic, my cancerversary! 

It's hard to swallow that it's already been a year since I was given that dreadful, life changing news. Even though you're reassured you'll make it through and that it's not a death sentence, I find it miraculous to be here a year later. And I didn't expect to be blessed enough to say I was cancer-free by this point yet either. In fact, I've technically been cancer-free for 6 months.

Now that's just madness! My gratitude never diminishes. Some days I feel it more intensely than others, but it's always there. This is the Lord's work. It was through His love and healing that I am here. I will never forget or take that for granted. If anything, I'm still troubled by what I'm meant to do with this extension on living I was given. For now, I'll keep on praying until I am enlightened on how I can better serve Him in this world. If I'm meant to be here, I want to make the most of it after all. ^_^

Which is another thing often on my mind. I want to experience like. ALL THE THINGS. Hahaha! No, I mean, I want to live life to the fullest and then have enough left over for a whole other cup full of living. Don't worry dear readers. Nothing too cray cray. I just want to have many lovely times ahead of me. When I have gone and left this earth, I want everyone who loved me to have lots of memories of me to think of and smile about.

That said, I already have several tattoos I know I'll be getting as soon as I'm able. One will be a cross and/or some scripture. Another will be a pink ribbon. Lastly, I finally have it in my head what I'd like to have tattooed over my right breast once I'm all done with radiation.

Everybody who knows me is well aware of how much I adore Disney stuffs. I'm also a big big fan of Alice in Wonderland in pretty much any form. I love the book, the Disney movie, video games based on it, etc. So I had the idea that I wanted some floral design covering part of that breast and have it extend down my right side a bit. Weeell, that is what I want, but it's going to be the flowers comprising the Disney's "Golden Afternoon" scene from the film.

It's geeky, I know. But I think it's perfect for me. Besides, I totally want a bread and butterfly to accompany said flowers!

That does it for now, e'rybody! May you all have a beautiful and blessed Easter. The Father gave His only son so we could live in His love and be free of sin. So enjoy the gift of life and create many reasons to smile this weekend. :)

"For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." Isaiah 41:13

But that doesn't mean that I wasn't brave

Ah, hello again dear blog! Is it really time for our monthly rendezvous already? ;)

Since our last meeting, I have had a root canal, two more breast revisions and all four of my wisdom teeth removed (which I got dry socket from a traumatic extraction on my bottom left). So my oh my oh my. As you can tell, the fun never ends in the land of Anj! Haha.

In the midst of all this back and forth with my cosmetic surgeon and dentist, I also saw my oncologist. He had pegged me to be finished with radiation by the time my appointment had rolled around. He was a bit surprised.

Thankfully my visit with him had more to do with discussing my eventual start on hormone therapy (Tamoxifen) for the next 5 years. I can't say I'm thrilled about the prospect. To be frank, I'm pretty freaking terrified of it. My body has been through SO much and I've willingly done every treatment possible to prevent the C from returning... I have no plans to have a baby anytime soon either. I just don't get it.

Oh gosh, I realize it's all for the purpose of being preventative about prevention for preventing this from making a come back. I do, but it's got some wickedly scary side effects. Increased risks of endometrial cancer and thromboembolism are enough on their own to spook me. PLUS, the SSRI I've been taking to control my panic disorder for the past half a decade, is incompatible with it.

You reach the point where you look at the risks and simply say, "eff it". My body has already seen most of the worst it can have thrown at it to take care of this. Might as well finish out my outlined treatment plan. I gotta remember to trust God. It's all been in His hands anyway.

And speaking of, I suppose I should explain why I needed two more revisions to my breast since I last updated. Same damn issue each time. That weird random leaking occurred. So my radiation has been on hold ALL this time. I don't even get my stitches out again until next Monday. Praying so hard this will be the last revision that will be have been needed. I want to get this show back on the road!

So I've talked about my suffering body self image since my surgery, and I think it's finally time I found a therapist so I can discuss it along with everything else I've been through. You comprehend how heavy it all is as you're going through it, but you don't prepare yourself for the aftermath. I don't really see how one could either.

I simply keep on trying to do the best I can with all the heaviness I have weighing on my heart.

Oh, and bringing up the subject of doing the best I can... argh, this mop of curly hair I've got! Haha. Not everyone has their hair regrow as curly after chemo, so WHY me?! It frustrates me so! >_<

And all I hear is that I'm stuck with this new texture for at least 2 years. Maybe forever. Ah well, I shouldn't whine too horribly much. It is a vast improvement over no hair at all. Lol, it is tough though as I have no clue how to manage it. If you Google anything about "chemo curls", there's so little information too. I thought surely some other woman has put some tutorial or recommendation up on how to cope with it. No such luck!

I'll have to share my knowledge as I deal with it I suppose, so there can be something for some other poor unfortunate soul who will walk down this path and search for the same thing. 

Note the headband to hold back the chemo-fro with an attempt to make it look girly/fashionable.

I haven't decided whether to let it grow from here on out or if I want to let it grow a bit more and then get a neato haircut. Probably the latter. I'm not yet ready to grow my hair out and face the dreadful mullet that comes with growing out short short hair. Been there. Done that. Not looking forward to going there again. :P 

I was going to share a few photos to prove it, but after looking through them? Uhh, yeah, I'd really rather not. Haha

Other than visiting a doctor of some kind or another, just been busy with work and running other errands as needed for Jason and I. The fatigue persists, but I didn't expect that to disappear any time soon.

As cruddy as things look to me at times as I delve a little further into my survivorship, I remind myself that I am damn blessed to be here. My 1 year diagnosis anniversary is coming up this next month. Hard to believe that so much has happened in only a year. Frightening to think of where I'd be by this point if I hadn't caught it. Would I even be around?

So, I say it yet again, THANK YOU GOD! For better or worse, I'm happy to be alive. Life is not the same since. It won't and it can't be, but I'm glad to accept it with an open mind and heart. This is my path and I will tread on to wherever it may take me.

Appreciate you all reading. God bless and I hope you have a wonderful month of March ahead of you!

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" 2 Corinthians 5:17

Never ask why

Hey all! So I'm a little late, but Happy 2013!! Let's all make it a good one. Mine surely has to be an improvement over 2012. ;)

It's been a bit over a month since my last post and I figured it was time I give an update. Lord knows I'd been meaning to, but time has a way of getting away from me.

I began radiation on December 27th. All went well for the first week or two. Granted there happened to be technical difficulties on the radiation machines' behalf that meant I was unable to be treated a couple of days. On the 8th treatment is when I began having some issues. 

DISCLAIMER: This is pretty disgusting so please do not read the next 3-ish paragraphs if you get squeamish!

Ahem, that being said...

Radiotherapy is relatively painless. It has a list of side effects that may happen to your skin and I have been lucky to miss out on most of them so far. What it did cause me was some intense skin dryness on the treated area (my right breast specifically). Now, seeing as I am without a nipple on that side, and in its stead have a Sally-like scar where they had dispatched the dead skin where the nipple once lived, the skin became very taut along there. 

As I have learned over the past year, my body has this weird way of spitting out "dissolvable" stitches. Particularly little knots. Nasty, I know. I found this out from my port-a-cath placement procedure. Then it happened with the spots where I had been stitched up after my drains leftover from my bilateral mastectomy were removed. Lastly, it happened with my freshest stitch-up. After starting rads, my skin shrinkage came on quickly. This allowed for the leftover stitches to poke their way through my skin easier.

When they came out, I was left with small openings where they had been. I just figured time would heal it over and continued my treatment. Then one day after getting out of the shower, one of these openings began leaking fluid. -_- BLEH, right? So so so gross. I told my doc about it asap, she wanted to keep watch of it but didn't think it too serious. 

It stopped after a day. I was good for a week, and then it started up again. This time it wasn't stopping. So this meant an immediate halt to my rads. Had to set up to see my plastic surgeon to have him look it over. He then thought to remove some more saline from my right expander. He suspected it was sera serum coming from inflammation to the breast tissue from radiation. They took a culture and sent it to be checked just in case however.

Not long after the saline was taken out, the leaking quit again. Saw Dr. Young again, had her give the okay for me to resume treatment. Then I had to get the CT done again as guess what? The saline removal from my expander meant I'd had change in my breast. Yeah, so I had to have my treatment plan revamped. 

Arghhh! 

Haha, well I'm sure there was a good reason for this all to have happened the way it did. Good news is I'm back on track. Yesterday and today I got to go get treated as normal. 

I thought I was tired after settling back into working, and it's nothing compared to how I feel now. I almost cannot function in the early evening unless I take an hour nap at some point during the day. I guess my routine is reason enough to feel tired. Monday through Friday, I usually open at work. I get up at 3AM and start work at 4AM. Work between 4-6 hours, and then either go home and hang for a bit before going to radiation or go straight to it from work. 

So I spend probably something like an hour and a half to two hours just on driving to and from the places I need to be. That may not seem a lot, especially to those of you who commute daily, but for someone 3 months out from intense surgery, chemotherapy and currently undergoing radiotherapy, it's exhausting. Lol! As I spoke of before, my body still doesn't behave the way it did prior to all this. 

Small price to pay for an extension on my lifetime. :)

I've been trying to research ways to conquer the fatigue. Regular exercise is a common solution. So Jason and I are beginning kickboxing lessons together starting, hopefully, next week! I'm really excited about it. I'm praying it will help.

That's all my cancer related news for now! Other than going to appointments and treatment I've just been working. I can't tell you how pleasant it is to return to living world. I enjoy having minor dramas and concerns to deal with again. Haha.

And speaking of work, tomorrow will make it a year that I started at Starbucks. So crazy. 

All I will say is that God works in mysterious ways. 

Next Monday is the hubby's birthday, and this weekend we're going to celebrate. Going to see Ben Folds Five play in Los Angeles, spend the night out there and then hopefully do something neato in the area before we head home. I'm definitely looking forward to it! Birthdays are so special and I think I might even value them of the ones I love more than they do at this point. Lol, I'm grateful to be here to celebrate it with him is all.

Ahh, and of course our adorably precious Princess Chinsuela keeps me entertained with her antics too. That sweet little creature. I love her to pieces. I've taught her to highfive. Mhm, you heard me! 

Proof:

My sincerest thanks again to all who have asked about/prayed for/thought of me lately. I know I did a bit of a disappearing act. Normal-ish life does that to a person! And man oh man am I ever happy that's the reason why I haven't posted as of late!

Anyway, I hope you all have a lovely week and weekend to follow. I also hope you can spend it enjoying time with people (and critters) you love. ^_^

God bless.

 "For we walk by faith, not by sight"  2 Corinthians 5:7

Will you love me, even with my dark side?

Struggling. That word alone sums up just about everything I'm feeling right now.

I have been really sick with a wicked sinus infection since last Thursday. I've been on antibiotics since Friday afternoon (I went to urgent care immediately after work). I feel slightly better, but if my body was behaving "normally", I'd already have bounced back. 

I guess my immune system still isn't what it used to be. I called in sick today hoping this extra day would help me heal up so I can get back to work tomorrow. I'm really frustrated because I need to be working. I can't afford to miss work. Literally. 

Financially for us, it's been a trying month. So much so, I don't think we'll be able to do Christmas gifts for anyone. Not for each other, and not even for our sweet nieces and nephews. Breaks my heart that we can't. :(

My body, even while I'm not fighting a sinus infection, is not the same. I become so exhausted by work. I thought it was an initial sort of thing and once I got back in the swing it would disappear. Not so. I'm so drained by the end of my day. As you can all imagine, that's an annoyance as well.

I have also been having a lot of self image issues lately. Nobody would know it because I hate to admit weakness about what I feel should be a superfluous topic. But I am, and I have been. I try to make the best of what I have, but when I strip down and change, I see how mangled my body has become in less than a year. And I know It won't ever be the same.

Now I realize that I would not even be here had it not been for the trauma my body has been through. I'm not completely foolish. I just have my moments where I need to mourn the loss of how I was physically. I am a 27 year old woman after all. What woman in her 20s expects to lose both her breasts, a nipple and then be marred with scars?

I most certainly didn't. And I feel about as far from attractive or pretty as possible largely in thanks due to it. 

In the wake of the tragedy that happened at Sandy Hook Elementary on December 14th, another thought has been swimming in my head; that of survivor guilt. As ridiculous and insane and unrelated as that sounds, it's true. I have overwhelming guilt that I, someone who would not be alive at this moment without medical treatment, am alive and these sweet innocent children were taken. What makes me so special that I am permitted more time on Earth while these babies were not?

It's not secluded to that incident. It's a common feeling since officially obtaining survivor status. Such a maddening thing really. If I could do something to give back and truly make a difference with my existence then maybe I wouldn't feel this way so strongly.

Until then, I'm sure I will continue to. I trust that God has a plan, it's just tricky to be patient in order for it to be revealed.

I'm hoping and praying with all my heart that 2013 will bring a much happier year. That I will be able to resolve some of these issues I've been silently internalizing. I want change. It is often seen as a frightening thing, but I need some change. So I hope that it will also bring us change, and we will be better for it. 

Radiation will be starting very soon. I still believe it won't begin until after the holidays. But I went for my second prep appointment last week. I now have about 5 or 6 of those little pin dot tattoos. I need to get blood work done for them too, but that's really the only news I have regarding my treatment currently. 

My thanks to any and every one who actually reads through this post. It seems silly for me to complain when I have been given so much, however, we all need to vent sometimes. 

God bless you all.

"In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight"  Proverbs 3:6

Life is way too short to take it slow

Has it really been nearly a month since my last post? Incredible how quickly time flies when you're on the go (and not sitting on your butt at home while recovering from surgery!). 

Before I get into everything else, I absolutely have to mention my SIL Marylou and friend Denise doing the Susan G. Komen 3-Day for the Cure. They were Team Anj, and raised their minimum and then some! For those unaware, the 3-Day is a commitment to raise at least $2300 prior to walking, and then when the time comes, walking 60 miles. It's a beautiful thing. Such great passion and love goes into simply making the commitment to do all that. 

I had the pleasure of being there for the closing ceremonies to cheer on all these wonderful men and women on, but specifically to cheer on and show my appreciation to Marylou and Denise. I was in tears during the closing ceremony. It was truly beautiful. I felt honored to be there and have walkers that were walking because of me. 

Jason and I were beyond inspired by the event, and Lord willing, intend to do the San Diego 3-Day together in 2013. Since it's not until November, I think I have a pretty damn good chance to be 100% done with everything by then.

More on that as it develops, folks! 

 

And now on with the rest!

I have been back to work since November 19th. It's been ridiculously nice to have some normalcy returned to me. While my perspective will never be the same on life, it feels amazing to return to work. It keeps my mind busy so I don't feel stuck dwelling on my survivorship, worries, etc. etc. 

Plus, my co-workers are such wonderful people! I missed them tons! Upon my first day back, I was greeted excitedly and with these -- 

And here I was worried that I would be thought of as a burden. Instead, my return was very warmly received. So thank you my Sbux peoples! You have no idea how much I needed that welcome, and how much it meant to receive it. 

I have been to several more doctor appointments. Surprise surpise! Haha. Most of them were with Dr. Mowlavi. Saw him to get my stitches from my right side removed. Returned again to get my right side filled up again. I got to be even chested for a while! Hooray! But then I went to see Dr. Young, my radiation oncologist, thinking I was getting my simulation scan done. She determined my left side was too full and needed some saline removed before I could get it done. Sigh! 

So back to Mowlavi I went. Got some saline taken out, and now I am back to my lopsidedness. Ho hum. I will just say this... not exactly a self esteem booster to have expanders in your chest anyway, but stretch out that skin and then remove some of the stuffing? Yeah. It looks way worse. Ah well though, I know it's necessary to get the best radiation treatment I can. 

Last Thursday I finally had my CT simulation in prep for my radiation. I got my first 2 tattoos now too! Haha. It looks exactly like someone took a pen and dotted me with it. Although my rads tech asked me, before tattooing me, whether I'd prefer a butterfly or a star. I told him I'd like a Mickey Mouse head if I got to choose. Lol ;3

And now? Oh now I wait. They say they'll call me to set up my next one. I'd be surprised if I end up starting radiation treatment before the holidays honestly. Which is fine. Of course I'm always eager to get the ball rolling, but you're hostage to doctors' schedules. And now I have my own schedule I must take into consideration with appointments too. 

Before my return to work, I had to figure out what to do with my hair. The pink had mostly melted away and I was left with a pink hued yellow blonde. It needed covering. So I thought what better time to try a different color! I took the opportunity to go with a red. :D I wasn't sure how I felt about it, but with all the compliments I've received... I may have to stick with it for a while! 

But to be an Anj is to never stay the same for too horribly long. I'm sort of a hair-chameleon in that way!

 The hubby and I got to go out last Friday night for the first time in quite some time. It was for his work's Christmas party, and formal attire was required. Anyone who knows me knows I love a good reason to dress up. I even love a less-than-good reason to dress up! ;)

 

It was a lot of fun, and I had the opportunity to meet a lot of great people I had been hearing of for a year plus and never met. Jason and I are blessed. We both work with some seriously lovely human beings. 

I wasn't scheduled to work the next day, but my buddy Carly lost her dad last week and they needed someone to help cover for her. I did the second half of her shift Saturday. That morning as I got ready, I put my cell phone in my back pocket as the pockets are too small to fit my phone in the front ones. I had to piddle before leaving, and as I was about to sit down, my iPhone slipped out and fell into the toilet. 

Mortified, I immediately stuck my hand in the potty water to retrieve it. Swearing like a sailor, I knew it was royally effed. I woke up Jason and told him what had happened. He assured me we'd get it fixed or replaced and told me to worry about getting to work. I went back to finish getting ready.

I said a simple prayer asking to be able to relax and not allow it to ruin my day. Guess what? After that, I felt better and was able to get through my shift. When I got back, Jason had already gone to the Apple store and managed to get me a new phone to replace my old one at NO cost to us. Praise God. I was biting my nails thinking of how much they'd charge us to replace it. 

Another mini miracle. :)  I'm grateful for it too! We have been struggling with the financial side of things since we're trying to get back on our feet with working regularly. Doesn't help when the hospital bills are unending.

In case I don't get a chance to post again until after the holidays, then I want to wish you all a blessed and joyous Christmas! 

And if I do write again before then... well, disregard that until I say it again! Lol. 

God bless you all! 

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds" James 1:2