But that doesn't mean that I wasn't brave

Ah, hello again dear blog! Is it really time for our monthly rendezvous already? ;)

Since our last meeting, I have had a root canal, two more breast revisions and all four of my wisdom teeth removed (which I got dry socket from a traumatic extraction on my bottom left). So my oh my oh my. As you can tell, the fun never ends in the land of Anj! Haha.

In the midst of all this back and forth with my cosmetic surgeon and dentist, I also saw my oncologist. He had pegged me to be finished with radiation by the time my appointment had rolled around. He was a bit surprised.

Thankfully my visit with him had more to do with discussing my eventual start on hormone therapy (Tamoxifen) for the next 5 years. I can't say I'm thrilled about the prospect. To be frank, I'm pretty freaking terrified of it. My body has been through SO much and I've willingly done every treatment possible to prevent the C from returning... I have no plans to have a baby anytime soon either. I just don't get it.

Oh gosh, I realize it's all for the purpose of being preventative about prevention for preventing this from making a come back. I do, but it's got some wickedly scary side effects. Increased risks of endometrial cancer and thromboembolism are enough on their own to spook me. PLUS, the SSRI I've been taking to control my panic disorder for the past half a decade, is incompatible with it.

You reach the point where you look at the risks and simply say, "eff it". My body has already seen most of the worst it can have thrown at it to take care of this. Might as well finish out my outlined treatment plan. I gotta remember to trust God. It's all been in His hands anyway.

And speaking of, I suppose I should explain why I needed two more revisions to my breast since I last updated. Same damn issue each time. That weird random leaking occurred. So my radiation has been on hold ALL this time. I don't even get my stitches out again until next Monday. Praying so hard this will be the last revision that will be have been needed. I want to get this show back on the road!

So I've talked about my suffering body self image since my surgery, and I think it's finally time I found a therapist so I can discuss it along with everything else I've been through. You comprehend how heavy it all is as you're going through it, but you don't prepare yourself for the aftermath. I don't really see how one could either.

I simply keep on trying to do the best I can with all the heaviness I have weighing on my heart.

Oh, and bringing up the subject of doing the best I can... argh, this mop of curly hair I've got! Haha. Not everyone has their hair regrow as curly after chemo, so WHY me?! It frustrates me so! >_<

And all I hear is that I'm stuck with this new texture for at least 2 years. Maybe forever. Ah well, I shouldn't whine too horribly much. It is a vast improvement over no hair at all. Lol, it is tough though as I have no clue how to manage it. If you Google anything about "chemo curls", there's so little information too. I thought surely some other woman has put some tutorial or recommendation up on how to cope with it. No such luck!

I'll have to share my knowledge as I deal with it I suppose, so there can be something for some other poor unfortunate soul who will walk down this path and search for the same thing. 

Note the headband to hold back the chemo-fro with an attempt to make it look girly/fashionable.

I haven't decided whether to let it grow from here on out or if I want to let it grow a bit more and then get a neato haircut. Probably the latter. I'm not yet ready to grow my hair out and face the dreadful mullet that comes with growing out short short hair. Been there. Done that. Not looking forward to going there again. :P 

I was going to share a few photos to prove it, but after looking through them? Uhh, yeah, I'd really rather not. Haha

Other than visiting a doctor of some kind or another, just been busy with work and running other errands as needed for Jason and I. The fatigue persists, but I didn't expect that to disappear any time soon.

As cruddy as things look to me at times as I delve a little further into my survivorship, I remind myself that I am damn blessed to be here. My 1 year diagnosis anniversary is coming up this next month. Hard to believe that so much has happened in only a year. Frightening to think of where I'd be by this point if I hadn't caught it. Would I even be around?

So, I say it yet again, THANK YOU GOD! For better or worse, I'm happy to be alive. Life is not the same since. It won't and it can't be, but I'm glad to accept it with an open mind and heart. This is my path and I will tread on to wherever it may take me.

Appreciate you all reading. God bless and I hope you have a wonderful month of March ahead of you!

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" 2 Corinthians 5:17

Never ask why

Hey all! So I'm a little late, but Happy 2013!! Let's all make it a good one. Mine surely has to be an improvement over 2012. ;)

It's been a bit over a month since my last post and I figured it was time I give an update. Lord knows I'd been meaning to, but time has a way of getting away from me.

I began radiation on December 27th. All went well for the first week or two. Granted there happened to be technical difficulties on the radiation machines' behalf that meant I was unable to be treated a couple of days. On the 8th treatment is when I began having some issues. 

DISCLAIMER: This is pretty disgusting so please do not read the next 3-ish paragraphs if you get squeamish!

Ahem, that being said...

Radiotherapy is relatively painless. It has a list of side effects that may happen to your skin and I have been lucky to miss out on most of them so far. What it did cause me was some intense skin dryness on the treated area (my right breast specifically). Now, seeing as I am without a nipple on that side, and in its stead have a Sally-like scar where they had dispatched the dead skin where the nipple once lived, the skin became very taut along there. 

As I have learned over the past year, my body has this weird way of spitting out "dissolvable" stitches. Particularly little knots. Nasty, I know. I found this out from my port-a-cath placement procedure. Then it happened with the spots where I had been stitched up after my drains leftover from my bilateral mastectomy were removed. Lastly, it happened with my freshest stitch-up. After starting rads, my skin shrinkage came on quickly. This allowed for the leftover stitches to poke their way through my skin easier.

When they came out, I was left with small openings where they had been. I just figured time would heal it over and continued my treatment. Then one day after getting out of the shower, one of these openings began leaking fluid. -_- BLEH, right? So so so gross. I told my doc about it asap, she wanted to keep watch of it but didn't think it too serious. 

It stopped after a day. I was good for a week, and then it started up again. This time it wasn't stopping. So this meant an immediate halt to my rads. Had to set up to see my plastic surgeon to have him look it over. He then thought to remove some more saline from my right expander. He suspected it was sera serum coming from inflammation to the breast tissue from radiation. They took a culture and sent it to be checked just in case however.

Not long after the saline was taken out, the leaking quit again. Saw Dr. Young again, had her give the okay for me to resume treatment. Then I had to get the CT done again as guess what? The saline removal from my expander meant I'd had change in my breast. Yeah, so I had to have my treatment plan revamped. 

Arghhh! 

Haha, well I'm sure there was a good reason for this all to have happened the way it did. Good news is I'm back on track. Yesterday and today I got to go get treated as normal. 

I thought I was tired after settling back into working, and it's nothing compared to how I feel now. I almost cannot function in the early evening unless I take an hour nap at some point during the day. I guess my routine is reason enough to feel tired. Monday through Friday, I usually open at work. I get up at 3AM and start work at 4AM. Work between 4-6 hours, and then either go home and hang for a bit before going to radiation or go straight to it from work. 

So I spend probably something like an hour and a half to two hours just on driving to and from the places I need to be. That may not seem a lot, especially to those of you who commute daily, but for someone 3 months out from intense surgery, chemotherapy and currently undergoing radiotherapy, it's exhausting. Lol! As I spoke of before, my body still doesn't behave the way it did prior to all this. 

Small price to pay for an extension on my lifetime. :)

I've been trying to research ways to conquer the fatigue. Regular exercise is a common solution. So Jason and I are beginning kickboxing lessons together starting, hopefully, next week! I'm really excited about it. I'm praying it will help.

That's all my cancer related news for now! Other than going to appointments and treatment I've just been working. I can't tell you how pleasant it is to return to living world. I enjoy having minor dramas and concerns to deal with again. Haha.

And speaking of work, tomorrow will make it a year that I started at Starbucks. So crazy. 

All I will say is that God works in mysterious ways. 

Next Monday is the hubby's birthday, and this weekend we're going to celebrate. Going to see Ben Folds Five play in Los Angeles, spend the night out there and then hopefully do something neato in the area before we head home. I'm definitely looking forward to it! Birthdays are so special and I think I might even value them of the ones I love more than they do at this point. Lol, I'm grateful to be here to celebrate it with him is all.

Ahh, and of course our adorably precious Princess Chinsuela keeps me entertained with her antics too. That sweet little creature. I love her to pieces. I've taught her to highfive. Mhm, you heard me! 

Proof:

My sincerest thanks again to all who have asked about/prayed for/thought of me lately. I know I did a bit of a disappearing act. Normal-ish life does that to a person! And man oh man am I ever happy that's the reason why I haven't posted as of late!

Anyway, I hope you all have a lovely week and weekend to follow. I also hope you can spend it enjoying time with people (and critters) you love. ^_^

God bless.

 "For we walk by faith, not by sight"  2 Corinthians 5:7

Will you love me, even with my dark side?

Struggling. That word alone sums up just about everything I'm feeling right now.

I have been really sick with a wicked sinus infection since last Thursday. I've been on antibiotics since Friday afternoon (I went to urgent care immediately after work). I feel slightly better, but if my body was behaving "normally", I'd already have bounced back. 

I guess my immune system still isn't what it used to be. I called in sick today hoping this extra day would help me heal up so I can get back to work tomorrow. I'm really frustrated because I need to be working. I can't afford to miss work. Literally. 

Financially for us, it's been a trying month. So much so, I don't think we'll be able to do Christmas gifts for anyone. Not for each other, and not even for our sweet nieces and nephews. Breaks my heart that we can't. :(

My body, even while I'm not fighting a sinus infection, is not the same. I become so exhausted by work. I thought it was an initial sort of thing and once I got back in the swing it would disappear. Not so. I'm so drained by the end of my day. As you can all imagine, that's an annoyance as well.

I have also been having a lot of self image issues lately. Nobody would know it because I hate to admit weakness about what I feel should be a superfluous topic. But I am, and I have been. I try to make the best of what I have, but when I strip down and change, I see how mangled my body has become in less than a year. And I know It won't ever be the same.

Now I realize that I would not even be here had it not been for the trauma my body has been through. I'm not completely foolish. I just have my moments where I need to mourn the loss of how I was physically. I am a 27 year old woman after all. What woman in her 20s expects to lose both her breasts, a nipple and then be marred with scars?

I most certainly didn't. And I feel about as far from attractive or pretty as possible largely in thanks due to it. 

In the wake of the tragedy that happened at Sandy Hook Elementary on December 14th, another thought has been swimming in my head; that of survivor guilt. As ridiculous and insane and unrelated as that sounds, it's true. I have overwhelming guilt that I, someone who would not be alive at this moment without medical treatment, am alive and these sweet innocent children were taken. What makes me so special that I am permitted more time on Earth while these babies were not?

It's not secluded to that incident. It's a common feeling since officially obtaining survivor status. Such a maddening thing really. If I could do something to give back and truly make a difference with my existence then maybe I wouldn't feel this way so strongly.

Until then, I'm sure I will continue to. I trust that God has a plan, it's just tricky to be patient in order for it to be revealed.

I'm hoping and praying with all my heart that 2013 will bring a much happier year. That I will be able to resolve some of these issues I've been silently internalizing. I want change. It is often seen as a frightening thing, but I need some change. So I hope that it will also bring us change, and we will be better for it. 

Radiation will be starting very soon. I still believe it won't begin until after the holidays. But I went for my second prep appointment last week. I now have about 5 or 6 of those little pin dot tattoos. I need to get blood work done for them too, but that's really the only news I have regarding my treatment currently. 

My thanks to any and every one who actually reads through this post. It seems silly for me to complain when I have been given so much, however, we all need to vent sometimes. 

God bless you all.

"In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight"  Proverbs 3:6

Life is way too short to take it slow

Has it really been nearly a month since my last post? Incredible how quickly time flies when you're on the go (and not sitting on your butt at home while recovering from surgery!). 

Before I get into everything else, I absolutely have to mention my SIL Marylou and friend Denise doing the Susan G. Komen 3-Day for the Cure. They were Team Anj, and raised their minimum and then some! For those unaware, the 3-Day is a commitment to raise at least $2300 prior to walking, and then when the time comes, walking 60 miles. It's a beautiful thing. Such great passion and love goes into simply making the commitment to do all that. 

I had the pleasure of being there for the closing ceremonies to cheer on all these wonderful men and women on, but specifically to cheer on and show my appreciation to Marylou and Denise. I was in tears during the closing ceremony. It was truly beautiful. I felt honored to be there and have walkers that were walking because of me. 

Jason and I were beyond inspired by the event, and Lord willing, intend to do the San Diego 3-Day together in 2013. Since it's not until November, I think I have a pretty damn good chance to be 100% done with everything by then.

More on that as it develops, folks! 

 

And now on with the rest!

I have been back to work since November 19th. It's been ridiculously nice to have some normalcy returned to me. While my perspective will never be the same on life, it feels amazing to return to work. It keeps my mind busy so I don't feel stuck dwelling on my survivorship, worries, etc. etc. 

Plus, my co-workers are such wonderful people! I missed them tons! Upon my first day back, I was greeted excitedly and with these -- 

And here I was worried that I would be thought of as a burden. Instead, my return was very warmly received. So thank you my Sbux peoples! You have no idea how much I needed that welcome, and how much it meant to receive it. 

I have been to several more doctor appointments. Surprise surpise! Haha. Most of them were with Dr. Mowlavi. Saw him to get my stitches from my right side removed. Returned again to get my right side filled up again. I got to be even chested for a while! Hooray! But then I went to see Dr. Young, my radiation oncologist, thinking I was getting my simulation scan done. She determined my left side was too full and needed some saline removed before I could get it done. Sigh! 

So back to Mowlavi I went. Got some saline taken out, and now I am back to my lopsidedness. Ho hum. I will just say this... not exactly a self esteem booster to have expanders in your chest anyway, but stretch out that skin and then remove some of the stuffing? Yeah. It looks way worse. Ah well though, I know it's necessary to get the best radiation treatment I can. 

Last Thursday I finally had my CT simulation in prep for my radiation. I got my first 2 tattoos now too! Haha. It looks exactly like someone took a pen and dotted me with it. Although my rads tech asked me, before tattooing me, whether I'd prefer a butterfly or a star. I told him I'd like a Mickey Mouse head if I got to choose. Lol ;3

And now? Oh now I wait. They say they'll call me to set up my next one. I'd be surprised if I end up starting radiation treatment before the holidays honestly. Which is fine. Of course I'm always eager to get the ball rolling, but you're hostage to doctors' schedules. And now I have my own schedule I must take into consideration with appointments too. 

Before my return to work, I had to figure out what to do with my hair. The pink had mostly melted away and I was left with a pink hued yellow blonde. It needed covering. So I thought what better time to try a different color! I took the opportunity to go with a red. :D I wasn't sure how I felt about it, but with all the compliments I've received... I may have to stick with it for a while! 

But to be an Anj is to never stay the same for too horribly long. I'm sort of a hair-chameleon in that way!

 The hubby and I got to go out last Friday night for the first time in quite some time. It was for his work's Christmas party, and formal attire was required. Anyone who knows me knows I love a good reason to dress up. I even love a less-than-good reason to dress up! ;)

 

It was a lot of fun, and I had the opportunity to meet a lot of great people I had been hearing of for a year plus and never met. Jason and I are blessed. We both work with some seriously lovely human beings. 

I wasn't scheduled to work the next day, but my buddy Carly lost her dad last week and they needed someone to help cover for her. I did the second half of her shift Saturday. That morning as I got ready, I put my cell phone in my back pocket as the pockets are too small to fit my phone in the front ones. I had to piddle before leaving, and as I was about to sit down, my iPhone slipped out and fell into the toilet. 

Mortified, I immediately stuck my hand in the potty water to retrieve it. Swearing like a sailor, I knew it was royally effed. I woke up Jason and told him what had happened. He assured me we'd get it fixed or replaced and told me to worry about getting to work. I went back to finish getting ready.

I said a simple prayer asking to be able to relax and not allow it to ruin my day. Guess what? After that, I felt better and was able to get through my shift. When I got back, Jason had already gone to the Apple store and managed to get me a new phone to replace my old one at NO cost to us. Praise God. I was biting my nails thinking of how much they'd charge us to replace it. 

Another mini miracle. :)  I'm grateful for it too! We have been struggling with the financial side of things since we're trying to get back on our feet with working regularly. Doesn't help when the hospital bills are unending.

In case I don't get a chance to post again until after the holidays, then I want to wish you all a blessed and joyous Christmas! 

And if I do write again before then... well, disregard that until I say it again! Lol. 

God bless you all! 

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds" James 1:2

Bubblegum bitch

We have been kept busy over the past week-ish or so!

I met with a radiation oncologist, got my hair dyed pink, attended the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure in San Diego for the first time and had 2 check up appointments. Oh, and the hubby and I got a pet chinchilla last Thursday! ;)

Radiation oncologist filled me in on what treatment will be like. I will start after Thanksgiving, and will be going for treatment Monday through Friday for 7 weeks. Before I'm set up to begin that, I will go in for a couple of pre-treatment appointments. They'll do a CT scan on me in house to "map out" where they'll be treating me precisely. Then I'll receive markings where they'll focus the radiation. It will be a couple of permanent pin dot sized tattoos, so they'll always know where I received radiation treatment.

I have been told by everyone I've spoken to that in comparison to the other treatment and recovery I've had, this should be cake. So I've spoken with my boss, and am returning to work next Monday. ^_^  I may have some restrictions on what I'll be able to lift and do physically, but I know I could certainly do most of my regular tasks without an issue.

But I won't know until I try. :)

And I am looking forward to seeing my Sbux family. It's been way too long!

Dangerous thing regarding my return? Those damn seasonal drinks, specifically the caramel brulee latte. Yum. Thing I keep forgetting? When you have regular access to said beverages, you tend to over indulge and get tired of it quickly. So hopefully that will happen, and happen fast! Last thing I need is to gain more poundage, hahaha. I already need to lose a few!

Back on the topic of rads... the wait is due to needing me fully healed from my surgery, and now my fresher procedure on my right.

I'm happy to report that it is all healing nicely. The swelling finally dissipated. I have been able to lay off the medication to help lessen my muscle spasms. My chest is still uncomfortable and tight at times, but I'm coping much better.

On November 2nd, Violet (my wonderful mommy-in-law) took me out and treated me to getting my hair dyed pink for our then fast approaching walk! My hair was just dark enough to require bleaching. The bleach worked perfectly, but the pink dye? I had been hoping for a bubblegum pink versus a hot pink. So the lovely hairstylist Kelly mixed up the absolute perfect color. Let me sit with it. 

The verdict? Well, my tips took it nicely... my roots? Yeah, not so much. Chemo regrowth can be super stubborn apparently. She had to put a darker pink on just hoping it would take. It did take, but it was sort of orangey still. Ah well! Still looked plenty pink to me! It actually looked perfect with some product in it. 

Violet even got me some hair styling products while we were there so I could better maintain my freaky chemo fro. Hahaha. It helps in taming it so that it looks cuter. 

So, we had planned way back in April of this year that we'd be doing the San Diego Race for the Cure on November 4th. To say I was determined to attend would be a huge understatement. I feel guilty to have had to do it, but I was seated in a wheelchair for most of the walk. I had to swallow my pride, because I was still really swollen and uncomfortable. Bummed I had to do it that way, but it allowed me to be there. And for that, I am so grateful.

It was such a beautifully touching and heartwarming experience to attend. To attend as a survivor, and be able to participate in the survivor celebration ceremony? I don't know if I have ever felt such a mix of pride and modesty all rolled in to one.

 

Not only by the ceremony, but to be surrounded by so many people I love so deeply. To know that they care and were willing to walk alongside me. God bless each and every one of you who walked with me that day, and made up Team Pwn Cancer! I love you guys. It was easily one of the best days of my life (right after my wedding day).

Jason, bless his heart, pushed me in that wheelchair for at least 3ish miles that day. We took a cab from the hotel we stayed at to where we thought was close to the starting line. Yeah, it wasn't all that close. So he pushed me starting from there. Poor hubby! lol.

The walk was 3.1 miles on its own. My dear dear friend Shalysa took over once Jason was exhausted. I should mention that it just had to be at least 85 degrees that day. She pushed me until we reached this crazy gnarly hill. Then I refused to let anyone try and push my butt up that thing. I got out of my chair, and slowly trudged up that beast until we reached the finish line.

I'm one stubborn bitch. I was later scolded at my follow up appointment with Dr. Mowlavi about having walked any of that race. I wasn't supposed to do much physical activity for 3 weeks. Oopsie! I had committed to being at that walk, and especially to finishing it as a survivor. I'm proud to have accomplished both. 

None of it would have been possible without all the love I am and have been surrounded with. The Lord, Jason, my family, my friends, my doctors/nurses, and even that of many kind strangers. It's appalling how many people have heard my story and been touched by it in one way or another. And even enough so as to even say a single prayer for me. It's no wonder to me that I am where I am now. 

The power of prayer and love are unstoppable. <3

Ah yes, and next year when we will inevitably walk again - we already have a name picked out! Team Frankenbooby 2013, for the win!!!

Team Pwn Cancer (minus my brother Sean, SIL Lindsay, niece Sydney & neph Austin) after the race!

So, lastly, the husband and I now have our own little furbaby! Prior to my surgery, Jason and I would regularly visit our local PetSmart to get filters for our little 5 gallon aquarium. We have a single golden dojo loach in it. When we'd go, we'd always look at the other animals. Specifically the kitties because well, I adore kitties with every fiber of my being! And I also sorely miss my cat Johnny; when we moved, we had to leave him with my parents because we simply had no room for his litter box anywhere in our tiny apartment. 

Princess Chinsuela Bananahammock! :3

Anyway... a week or so before s-day, we went to the PetSmart a little further from our place. They had a couple of chinchillas available. I LOVE chinchillas. I've wanted one for well over a decade. Jason teased me when I'd talk about it, until he saw how adorable these critters are. He fell in love! 

We decided it would not be a good time to get one until after we were back home, etc. Well, the time wound up being right last Thursday! We got our chinchilla. She's a female and fairly young. Total sweetheart. I think it will be a very therapeutic thing for us to have another little creature to care for. 

More love in your life is never a bad thing is it? :D  Even if it is for a small rodent!

P.S. If you don't get our chin's name... then check this out -- 

Have a grand week all! God bless.

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”  Isaiah 41:10

The complicated reality

Yesterday was the day to see if my right nipple had made it or not. It is with a tinge of sadness that I say it didn't. Deep down I knew. It almost makes me angry with myself for not just telling them to spare only my left one during my mastectomy. But they thought they'd be able to save it...

God said no is all. And that's just fine. Seeing as I wouldn't be able to breast feed should we have kids down the line anyway, it was purely for aesthetics. Plus I have plenty of options. The first thing they tell me to try and cheer me up is that they can make me one with skin grafting taken from my thigh.

Maybe I'm weird, but I prefer to leave my Barbie-style franken as is. 

It's a reminder of everything I have been through. I have heard and read other women speaking about how much breast cancer is glossed over with pink ribbons and all the stories of survivorship. Which is all wonderful and I embrace it wholeheartedly, but to me, the scars and my nipple-less breast? This is reality.  This is what it's REALLY like.

It's not an incident that I can play pretend at as though it never occurred. I don't want them to fix me up like I'm some broken doll. I'm not broken. I'm simply different now and I'm stronger for it. 

Getting back to what all went down on Monday... 

I was taken back to the room where they'd do my revision before Mowlavi even looked at me. The solution helped out very well on my left side. Looks almost as it did pre-surgery. The right? I apologize to anybody with a weak constitution, but it had turned black, flat and dried out. Almost like the thickest scab you can imagine. Not just the nipple, but the areola below it and a lot of surrounding area. At least a couple inches of the skin on my breast had flat out died. Sorry sorry... it was really disgusting. :\

They warn you of complications prior to surgery of course, but just like thinking you're impervious to getting a disease like cancer in the first place, you don't think it will happen to you. 

I'm here to say it did, and there isn't a whole lot of information to find about it online either. Breast or nipple necrosis after surgery for breast cancer are not exactly a hot subject. Can't imagine why not. ;) Hahaha.

My revision was to remove 200cc of my saline from my right expander, and to have the dead skin cut out. Jason sat in the room as they did it and I'm so grateful he did, but I wish he hadn't watched it. I never once took my gaze off the ceiling or light above me. 

They numb you up really well before doing  this, but you still feel the tugging and everything. Oh, and nothing like being aware as you smell your own skin a sizzlin' from cauterization. Lol! This post is full of appetite prevention. 

Magically, and by God's grace, he removed all the yucky skin and sewed me back up. Says I'll be able to shower regularly by Thursday, and that he can refill it in 2 weeks. 

My new scar will be more like the traditional straight line across the middle of my breast. And besides my little in office procedure, I had my drains removed! YAY! Unpleasant bit to that? My left side was not nearly as numb so when he took out the drains on that side, it hurt. Oh. And then I could feel him stitching me. 

But seriously, compared to other things I've endured, that was pretty mild. I napped for a couple hours once we got back home that day. I didn't feel much pain yet.

Today I was exhausted and have a fair amount of pain again. Such a bummer considering I had been doing really well and was about back to normal before this incident. Oddly enough, the pain is not so much on my chest as it is down my right arm. My dutifully awesome hubby called to make sure this was normal. They said it was, and that it was like deferred pain. 

Whatever it is, it sucks! I pray it goes away sooner rather than later.

Well, that's all my excitement for now. I accept the Lord's will with all this and I shall continue to trust him. He has a reason for everything. :)

God bless you all and have a great week!

"And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."  Romans 5:5

Bai Bai Bewbiez!: ACT II

And now, I present the second act of Bai Bai Bewbiez!

--------------------------------------------------

[[ HOSPITAL STAY DAY 1 | 10.11.2012 ]] --

The greater part of this day was spent sleeping off and on. They brought me food for breakfast, but it was still the liquid diet. That suited me just fine as pumping my body with the pain meds (PCA-style) every 20 minutes had made my head very cloudy. I had also been dealing with bad indigestion and some nausea. Good times!

As my parents visited early, my mom helped try to feed me some jello. Lots of ice chips were also fed to me by way of alternating between hubby and my mom at my request. Simple water didn't sound so glamorous, nor did it sound like the best idea yet.

Besides my parents visiting, my brother Sean stopped by. It meant to a lot to me that he took the time out just to see me. :) I was still very groggy, but I knew I was happy to see them all!

Dr. Mowlavi popped in to check on me. Took off my bandages and put some sticky yellow gauze junk on them and wrapped me back up. He was trying to encourage me to be released that day... hah!  I wasn't even close to ready.

I won't get into it, but it was the first time I realized what I assumed was some oddly hard, cast-like bandage the night before happened to be my new foobs.

I realize some of you may be unfamiliar with tissue expanders used in breast reconstruction. Well, it's essentially a temporary implant. They insert it under your pec muscles as I mentioned. It has a limit on how much it may be filled, but is usually filled over time with saline. It has a port, I assume is much like port-a-cath, in which they inject the saline to fill them. 

Once I have completed my radiation therapy and I have had enough fills to reach my desired size, I will have another procedure to replace my expanders with my permanent implants.

Another thing that came as a shock to me is that the expanders are HARD. Like, imagine slightly more pliable softballs shoved underneath your pectorals. I was not expecting to be filled when I awoke. And I definitely wasn't expecting to be filled so very much if I was going to be.

More on that later though... >_<;

I also found out I had 5 drains total. Two on the left and three on my right. I loathe them. That's all I will say. Ghastly pests they are.

On a happier note, although it was Dr. Kushner's day off, he also came in and checked on me. Again, PTL for this man. He ordered for my nurses to replace whatever pain medication was being dripped to morphine. I felt MUCH better and way less nauseous once that happened.

I still played it safe and stuck with liquid diet. I think I remember eating grape flavored popsicle? Haha... Still really out of it that day so my memory is a bit fuzzy on the details.

I was able to sleep better that night, which in turn meant better sleep for Jason too.

[[ HOSPITAL STAY DAY 2 | 10.12.2012 ]] --

Woke up well rested. Yeah, the nurses still milled in every 4 hours or so to check on me, empty my drains and scan my wristband to give me any meds I needed... but it was a nice, boopless night of sleep.

I started to grow weary of being bedridden right about this time. I knew I was weak, but had no clue until I was encouraged to get up and sit in a chair while I ate my first solid breakfast. Seeing as I have never before stayed in a hospital, it wasn't until this moment that I understood how gross hospital food really is. Lol. I did put away some oatmeal though. :D

My parents once again paid us a visit in the morning. One nurse lady that visited me and gave me a handbook on healing from a mastectomy suggested some things that would be useful to have at home - a wedge pillow and toilet seat riser. The thoughtful and sweet parents they are, took flight in quest to get these items for me so I'd have them once I was discharged. My mom and dad are so amazing. :)

I rested for a while before we later had a warmly welcomed fresh batch of visitors. Violet and Andrew (mommy-in-law and pops-in-law) were first. Also such amazing people. I am ridiculously blessed in so many ways, and one of them is the sheer amount of people who love my geeky butt!

My bestie Shalysa made the trip out to visit me that day too. So sweet! I know she's busy and it meant very much to have her make the drive up just to check on me and say hi!

After they all took their leave, my nurse was encouraging me to get up and try walking a bit. So on wobbly legs like a clumsy newborn calf, I got up with great effort with assistance from Jason and my nurse. They each had one of my arms and helped wheel my IV pole as we slowly trudged along. I am proud to say that I made it all around the nurses station on my first go!

Of course I was pooped after that. Lol, but I did it! 

Now, those leg squeezy things that prevent blood clots from forming while you're stuck in bed, they are uncomfortable. After you've been wearing them for well over 24 hours, they chaff. I was insanely itchy. I had to keep them on while I wasn't walking, so they brought some baby powder.

This is another moment where my hubby left me feeling as though I was in the best care possible. He'd gently take off those cuffs and apply the powder. The way he'd do it were as if I were delicate and might have broken if he applied too much pressure. Love love love that man of mine.

Had more visitors in the evening. My parents returned and then we got the most beautiful news imaginable for any cancer patient; my surgeon received the results of my pathology report, which read there were no signs of malignancy. Meaning? SUCK IT CANCER! I PWNED YOU!!!

Hahaha... okay, so more like, I pwned it along with an army of others' assistance! But you know what I mean! Without all the prayers, doctors, nurses, medication, family, friends, etc. it wouldn't have been possible. Here I am though, and I didn't think I would be saying I am cancer free this shortly after my surgery.

Nothing short of a miracle, honestly. And what a glorious testimony to the power of prayer. I'm well aware I have had hundreds of people, many of whom I've never even met, praying for my healing. It's all in the Lord's hand, but he has mercifully answered those prayers. I will never take a single day of my existence for granted.

God wants me here longer for some reason. I look forward to discovering what that reason is. ^_^

A little after we got the grand news, our friend Samara visited. Also so sweet of her! I was much much more coherent that day, but still worry I was perhaps not bouncing on all just yet. Some of my timing may be a bit jumbled. Sad to say. Haha. However, I remember feeling overjoyed and loved from the news and throughout all my visits!

[[ HOSPITAL LEAVE | 10.13.2012 ]] --

Woke up determined to leave this day... I did everything I could to get out of there. Got up and walked around as much as possible. Switched from using the PCA pain meds to strictly Percocet to control the pain.

My wish was granted, and in a short time, we were discharged. I had my IV removed and was able to get dressed. To say I remember much else that day after being put in a wheelchair and taken to the car would be a lie. My head was still plenty foggy. All I recall doing is crashing once home.

I do know that my parents were there and had bought me all the aforementioned goodies from the day before and a couple others, including a nice chair and a tray so I could eat in bed.

Jason lovingly made sure I was comfortable and settled in. Woke me up every time I was meant to take my pain medication to prevent me from waking up hurting.

So, I slept and then slept some more. :)

[[ FIRST DAY HOME | 10.14.2012 ]] --

That morning my wonderful husband helped me get cleaned up for the first time since the surgery. Can't tell you how splendid even a sponge bath feels after being unable to be cleansed for days.

Violet, Andrew, Bre and our nephew Gavin came to visit us. It was uplifting to see them all, and I gave it my best to stay awake during their stay. I eventually had to give in and go take a rest. Earlier Jason and Bre went out shopping for a while. Did some grocery shopping and also got a small dining table for us.

Jason and I didn't own one before this because we normally sit on the floor in front of our coffee table and eat. Ghetto, I know, but it worked. Not really an option for me while I had trouble getting up and down. So all of them put the table together for us while I napped, and that allowed time for Jason to take it easy too.

Later they picked us up some yummy dinner from Wood Ranch BBQ. Of course I couldn't eat nearly as much as I would have had my appetite been back to normal, but it was awfully kind all the same!

Then my MIL and SIL washed my hair in the sink. It was the first time that had happened since s-day as well. That. Felt. Fantastic. Haha! You instantly feel more clean when your hair is, I swear.

[[ FROM THEN | 10.15.2012-TO NOW ]] --

That Monday the hubby and I spent time unwinding and adjusting to me being so debilitated. I rested and relaxed the day away. He babied me. :)

My brother Michael came by and visited us that Tuesday. I really enjoyed that he stopped by. I know how busy everybody gets, and his family just got home from a week long vacation, so I was grateful that he took the time to check on me.

Then at the 1 week marker from my surgery, we met up with Dr. Mowlavi to check on things. Again, just for a refresher, the exact procedure I had done was a bilateral nipple sparing mastectomy with right axillary node biopsy.

So, the question in matter had mostly to do with how my nipples would survive. Particularly my right nipple. Seeing as I had ductal carcinoma, where the tumor is inside and in my case had grown outside of the milk duct, they had to remove as much of that tissue as possible. This makes for much thinner skin left.

The day at the hospital when Mowlavi checked on me, my right side already looked a little worse for wear than my left. He put the magical medicated yellow gauze stuff though and let it be.

Anyway, we had a brief appointment. He looked me over and thought the left was in good shape. The right side was still an issue. He wanted to wait another week and then planned for a 'revision' in office if it didn't improve by the following appointment. We sent us with the yellow gauze stuff and directed us to swap it every day.

As that first week wore on, I slowly felt like I was regaining my strength but also found myself in more and more pain. Um, to the point of tears kind of discomfort. My chest was so tight it made my breathing feel restricted and it just plain hurt. Throbbing type of hurt. I wasn't able to get the rest I required to recuperate because I couldn't sleep through the night thanks to it.

I had been taking my pain meds on time and still didn't find relief. I thought maybe it had moved on to being caused by inflammation. So, we stopped the Percocet and started Ibuprofen. Yeah. Not so helpful either.

So God bless my babeh; he stepped up and did everything he could to expedite me to finding some relief. He called Kushner and talked with him. He recommended getting back on the Percocet for the time being and made time for me to see him the following morning.

At that appointment he checked me over. He was suspicious my expanders were over filled. I had been too. He called Mowlavi to plead with him to remove some of the saline, and he said he would but was reluctant to do so. Instead, he suggested prescribing some Valium for me. I always thought this was a drug used for anxiety, but apparently it's helpful with muscle spasms too!

To rule out anything else, such as pulmonary embolism, they sent me to the hospital to get a CT done on my chest. Christ had it all under control as usual and I had no signs of a blood clot formed or forming inside my lungs.

The culprit for my agony? Muscle spasms.

All that for such a simple answer!

Happy part is the Valium has helped alleviate much of my discomfort. My chest still feels tight, and at the end of the night, my ribs feel a bit sore beneath my "breasts". Overall I'm a lot better.

Now, yesterday we went to see Mowlavi again. I was awful nervous when he had us sent back to a room I'd never seen. It wasn't an exam room. It had a weird chair, and then I was put in a room and asked to lie down. He hadn't even seen my poor right nip and was getting ready to do a revision.

He decided to let it go another week, but I was given a prescription and homework. We've got this new solution we have to put on each nipple daily. Its job? To remove the excess icky skin.  Yuck. And I can't sugar coat it. My right nipple looks gnarly. Real gnarly. Like, I'm concerned it may not be able to be saved type of gnarly.

I'm of course preparing myself for the worse, but as always, hoping for the best.

Today was the first day we applied this stuff, so we'll see how this goes.

Ah, I should also mention that I still have all 5 of my udders in place! Haha. Those drains are pesky indeed. There's no possible way you can stroll in a public place and not have people either thinking you're pregnant with some weird creature or have an odd way of storing belly fat.

I try to hide behind sweatshirts, but it has trouble hiding FIVE of these suckers.

This coming Monday they say I'll be able to get them removed. HUZZAH I SAY! So silly, but I know I'll feel much better once I don't have to lug these things around. Makes you feel like a gigantic octopus monster.

The other thing we'll find out is whether my nipple revision(s) will be simple or not. Praying they will be and this medicated solution helps.

I am getting stronger everyday. We went to see my oncologist for follow up on everything. He was thrilled with my pathology reports. He told us what we basically already knew. The plan is to put me on Tamoxifen after rads are finished. Ho hum.

I made sure to thank Dr. Wagner more than a couple times. I even hugged him, which I think may have caught him off guard. He helped save my life. It's because of his chemo regimen he had outlined for me that there was no trace of that cancer to be found after all!

Aaaaand...

That's where we're at!

Right now I'm looking forward to finally doing the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure in San Diego. Not this Sunday, but next. In fact... I was originally going to wear a pink wig, but instead have opted to sport my short chemo regrowth. However, I'm going to get it dyed pink. :)

Excited about that... and frankly, am excited about life!

And the heavenly Father deserves all the praise for healing me so that I might be around still to enjoy it.

Thus concludes the story of Bai Bai Bewbiez! There will be more to come, but it shall be a new chapter in the same novel.

Until then, God bless you all and as always, thank you for your love and prayers!!!

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves received from God."  2 Corinthians 1:3-4