Trying to hear above the noise

Happy (belated) 2014 to you blog-readers of mine! Hoping your new year has been filled with nothing but beautiful moments thus far!

I felt compelled to finally quit procrastinating and update this little ol' blog as today happens to be World Cancer Day. A day dedicated to debunking myths regarding cancer, as well as raising awareness.

Since last I posted... I went ahead and got my hair cut. I now have a fashionable pixie style that appears MOSTLY straight. Chemo curls were pretty well eradicated when I lost the extra hair length.

Good riddance, chemo curls!

I went and saw the cardiologist. Apparently some wires got crossed and I didn't receive an echocardio that day, but I did have an EKG done. Looked fine. My heart rate is still crazy high, around 115bpm, and the cardiologist suspected I might have hyperthyroidism. I got blood work done for it, and never heard back. So that's still a mystery that requires further investigation.

It restricts my lifestyle though. I get winded super easily since my heart is already beating so quickly, when it elevates due to exertion, I feel like I might pass out. :( So, I definitely need to find out what that's all about.

I finally made my appointment to see about having my port removed! Unfortunately it will be on Valentines Day. lol But ah well! I'm all about getting that sucker removed sooner than later. One less time I might have to get a needle shoved in there for my every-three-months port flush would be fabulous. It gets more painful each time, so no thank you.

And most importantly, I made the decision to give up on fighting my health insurance/HMO group regarding my cosmetic surgeon. It's an uphill battle that I would not be able to win easily. Aside from that, it must be happening this way for a reason. Again I've put my faith in the Lord, and spoke to my nurse navigator again, and she recommended a plastic surgeon that's been used by several ladies in the support group she runs.

My appointment with the new cosmetic surgeon is this Thursday afternoon. AH! Which reminds me! I had to pull some strings when I wanted to make that appointment too! Apparently my HMO needed me to get a recommendation from one of my doctors to see this surgeon. So I call my primary care, and guess what? Yeah, she's no longer at that office anymore. Never heard a word about it.

It wasn't even like she moved to another local office. She moved her practice to like, many cities away from here. Thankfully they got another doctor at that office to approve my referral. Phew. So, I still need to see about getting a new PCP now as well. If it's not one thing, it's another. Lol :)

Anyhow, I meet my new surgeon on Thursday. Lord willing, he'll be kind and confident he can fix my chestual region. :P

Unrelated to cancer prevention upkeep and post cancer maintenance, I found out from my dentist that I have a pretty severe cross bite and I will likely be getting braces in the near future.

Thanks to technological advances in dentistry, there are much more discrete options for adults. So I won't necessarily look like Darla from Finding Nemo. Hopefully. I may still think I'm a piranha though. No promises. ;3

Other than what I've been blabbing about, I'm just trying to continue to cherish each day. Some days are much trickier than cherish than others, I'll have you know. But Jason and Michonne-kitty make it worthwhile for me always. Even if everything else sucks, I have them to come home to, to love me and spend time with.

And that's that for now! Wishing you all the grandest of weeks!

"I love you, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold."    Psalm 18:1-2

I'll shut up and carry on

Holy geez! How are we almost to Christmas already?! I seriously blinked and this year was pretty much gone. Believe me, I am NOT complaining. Happy to have another year here that I can blink through. Haha :)

As with my last post, I come bearing both pleasant and unpleasant news. Let's get the icky news out of the way first, shall we?

This past Saturday I received a written response to my grievance I had filed with my insurance company. They supported my HMO group's decision not to cover my surgery. So, my grievance was denied. Same reasoning was given, only slightly different phrasing: "it is not medically necessary for you to go outside of your medical group's network". Gee, it isn't? And that's all it comes down to right?

It has nothing to do with the fact that I feel comfortable with this surgeon handling my case because he has been on it since the very beginning. He knows how my body heals and what my breasts looked like prior to all this crap. I was so livid over the decision that I sobbed while reading that letter.

I'm not looking for a fight. I'm not looking for a surgery to correct my breast reconstruction for something minor either. Frankly, I've been experiencing a gradual increase in pain and tightness on that right side. But I suppose that it isn't medically necessary that Dr. Mowlavi do my second breast reconstruction. However, that's the only way I will feel comfortable with it.

 

I have no clue what action to take next, but I'm going to call and talk to his patient coordinator. Give her the news and ask what step I should take. If I'm not already out of options as it is.

The whole thing makes me feel sick. I can't imagine someone being so coldhearted that they could dismiss anyone who has been disfigured due to lifesaving surgery, the chance to feel whole again. Just brutal.

So here I am again. I trust you Lord. Not sure why this is going the way it is, but I am sure that it's in your plan and there is good reasoning for it.

Onto the good stuff!

My CT/PET results came back... and there was no sign of metastatic disease!!!! P.S. that means no cancer! 

YEEEEAAAH!

That's the best I could possibly hope for. Of course this means I've been dragging my heels on any other doctor visits I should be making. Such as scheduling to finally have my port-a-cath removed, or getting my echocardiogram done, visiting my gynecologist and opthamologist, etc. etc.

Gotta get through the holiday season, then I'll try to tackle all those things me thinks. I'd like to say that my business is pertaining to Christmas preparations but it's more due to work. It's stressful and tiring for this Anj normally, but this time of year there wears me out even more.

Speaking of when the season is over, I'm tempted to get a hair makeover once we reach the new year. But WHY?! many of you may ask. Well, my chemo curls seem to be reaching an end. My hair at the roots, and probably an inch or two of length from there is curl-less.  Soooo, my hair is becoming increasingly obnoxious to try and fix.

It will make my mama cringe (sorry Mom, I love you!), but I might need to chop it shorter. I also have a million split ends. The curls I have at the ends of my hair are very dry, despite what moisturizing EVERYTHING I may use on it. So anybody got any recommendations for me?

Not sure about the color either. I love the red, as does everyone, but I'm not sure if I enjoy the upkeep. I would love to do something fun if the Bux allowed it. Alas, that is not the case.

Or, I may end up chickening out on a hair makeover yet entirely because I'm still just so happy to have hair at all. Hahaha!

Click here to see the post and photo from last year!

A couple weeks ago, Jason and I went to his work's holiday party. Comparing a photo of me at last year's party opposed to this year, you might see why I'm a bit reluctant to cut my locks off too horribly much. It took a while to grow that dang hair out! I've only gotten trims once every 3 months I think?

Grumble grumble. Good to know I can concern myself with petty things again such as what my hair should look like. Lol! I know that sounds sarcastic, but I mean it!

Life continues to feel more and more normal. I pray it continues on that way for us.

Other than all that, our kitten Michonne is awesomesauce. She cuddles me almost nightly at bedtime and gives kitty kisses for days. She's definitely made us feel like we have our own little family. ^_^ So, have a photo of her adorableness for good measure!

That's all folks! In case I don't post again before the end of the year, I want to wish you all a most blessed and beautiful holiday season with your loved ones! At this time of giving and receiving, remember the love you share with one another is the most important gift of all. <3

...well, you know, besides the gift of Jesus being born unto the world that is! ;) Haha. Merry Christmas all and see you in 2014! God bless!

"Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed"  Proverbs 16:3

I've got thick skin and an elastic heart

Oh blog... I had been meaning to update you a while ago, but now I have had too much going on that I feel it is necessary at this point.

As you may or may not recall, I spoke of my breast implants, their healing and some rippling in my last post. The creasing and rippling is much worse now. My right breast looks fantastic, while my left (the side which received the most intense radiation therapy) has not settled well.

I saw Dr. Mowlavi at the end of October and it was decided I would need to have another surgery to replace that implant with a slightly smaller one, and open up the pocket around the implant, plus that fat grafting. Not that I'm thrilled to require another surgery, but I felt some relief at the hope to fix this.

However, getting my surgery approved has been something of a nightmare. You see, my cosmetic surgeon's contract with our HMO group ended at the end of August. I guess a doctor though, in California, may request to continue care for a patient for up to a year following such a scenario. So my doc faxed and mailed a letter requesting simply that and giving particulars on what surgery he'd like to perform on me.

The doc's office told me to give them a few days and call to check up on the status of their decision. I called that Friday and it was still up in the air. The fellow I spoke with told me to try again on Monday or Tuesday. I did, and the decision was a resounding no. The reason? That my surgery was "not medically necessary".

I was in shock. I told the HMO representative that they had to be joking. I had received nothing short of stellar care during all my treatment under that HMO.

Their suggestion was that I could get the phone number of the new cosmetic surgeon I could use, or to file a grievance with our insurance company. I chose the latter.

I have had 2 successful and safe surgeries under my current doctor. Why on earth would I want some new doctor to come in at the end, who may have completely different methods, to finish up? That sounds like a bad idea to me. Besides, Dr. Mowlavi has worked on me enough to know what works and what doesn't for me. He also has experience seeing how I heal up.

It's just maddening.

I have done what I can do at this point though. I filed my grievance and now I sit around and wait to hear news. The HMO group has 30 days to reply.

My next surgery was put in the books for Novemeber 26th, but the likelihood of that being the actual date are slim.

Besides that, I had my follow up with Dr. Wagner, my chemo oncologist. I had my port flushed and blood drawn and he ordered an echo cardiogram and FINALLY, a PET/CT scan. I had to stick up for myself and let him know that I was quite eager to have it done though. Haha :)

Got a call yesterday that my blood work was normal with the exception of one of the tumor markers? I'm still not entirely sure what that means. I do know that the nurse told me a lot of doctors don't like to use them as they fluctuate too frequently, but that Dr. Wagner is extraordinarily cautious. So I was urged to get my scan done quickly and will likely be getting an ultrasound done on my ovaries next.

Once cancer has been introduced to your life, it sure keeps things annoyingly interesting! lol...

And I return full circle as always because all I can do is have faith and pray. Guess what Anj? It's still in God's hands! Nobody is given a guarantee on the length of their lives anyway. Each day is a fight to keep on surviving in one way or another. Some just have to fight a bit harder for it than others.

I'm blessed to be here at all so that I might continue to fight for daily survival.

But anyway... I forgot how very restricted your diet must be leading up to a PET/CT. No carbs, caffeine, sugar, milk, juice, fruit, etc. for 24 hours prior. Nothing but water and meat mostly. Some veggies are acceptable. I ate a couple of eggs for breakfast, but as lunch time approaches I'm at a loss. Lol! At least we have dinner figured out.

No eating for 6 hours prior to the scan  as well. So, if it's anything like last time, my stomach will begin to eat itself by the time we leave the hospital! Haha.

You know, I found out whilst scheduling my scan that I haven't had a PET/CT since the March 2012 when I was diagnosed.  That seems crazy to me. And a little scary.

Obviously I'm nervous. I want and pray and hope for nothing but good news.

Aaaaand I'm awful at segues, sooo in other news --

A couple weekends ago my hubby Jason, my best friend Shalya, my mommy-in-law Violet, (might as well be) pops-in-law Andrew, my sissy-in-law Briana, my bro-in-law Adam and their son, our nephew, Gavin and I all went down to San Diego for the annual Race for the Cure. We stayed the Saturday before the race at this gorgeous hotel originally built in 1926. Its location could not have been more perfect either. It was literally right across the street from Balboa Park where the race begins.

That Saturday night we all just hung out and drank some adult beverages. Hehe. At one point a group went down to pick up some tasty Mexican food from a restaurant that was close by. It was just really pleasant and relaxing.

The race itself was over in a blink. I got to walk in the survivor parade in the 0-1 year group - YAY! And the weather was just phenomenal. In the high 60s and cloudy. The best part? This year I was able the walk the entire thing!! Hey, it doesn't sound cool unless you picture yourself being unable to walk it a year ago because you were in a wheelchair. :P Haha

The whole Pwn Cancer team! :D

We just thought these guys were awesome!

It was another beautifully heartwarming and humbling experience for me. I look forward to this being an annual tradition, so long as I've got willing company to go with me! ;)

Sadly that was Shalysa's last weekend locally too, so I was deeply appreciative she wanted to be there and share her last couple days with us! Hoping she had as much fun as I did!

I also have some more bad news, but it IS followed with good news!

After a lot of discussion and soulsearching, Jason and I decided our sweet little chinchilla needed to be rehomed. She had been getting a declining amount of attention and she deserved much more. She was adorable and precious, so wanted her to go to a good home. At first we considered selling her on Craigslist. But I was skeptical on the sort of people we would get interested in her from there.

So we did some research and found a lady who has a chinchilla rescue in the area. Nice lady who has been a vet for years. Through her, she connected us with a very kind young lady who had filled out an adoption form and was interested in adopting our chin.

As it turned out, she came to visit and meet her, and it seemed like a destined match. I was much happier letting her go knowing she'd go to a home who really wants her and will take good care of her. ^_^

Miss that face, but she's in great hands now.

Now for the good news! We knew we wanted a pet that we wouldn't have to keep cooped up in a cage. One that could be with us, living besides us. So we decided to get a kitten! Anyone who knows me will know that that's a no-brainer as I love kitties with a passion.

We did some searching at a few different adoption events last weekend, and fell in love with a lovely little black and white maine coon mix. She's 19 weeks now and was actually an orphan when she was rescued. :( Poor baby! But she'll have a great life with us and plenty of love now. She is such a cuddlebug and I love it.

Oh yeah, her name is Michonne! (Any Walking Dead fan will approve)

That's all the latest I have to share for now! Thanks for reading, God bless you all! May you have a wonderful rest of your week. :3

 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."    Romans 15:13

If you want to survive

Guess which breast cancer survivor happens to be upon her 1 year cancerfreeaversary today?!

Yep, that's right... this Anj!!

In my head, that's when I started to consider myself a survivor. Odd truly, but my logic is that I had now survived cancer, as in, it is no longer living inside me. Therefore, I became a survivor. I think if I'm honest though, a cancer survivor is born the moment they decide to fight their disease.

So I was looking at today and thinking, "Woo! I'm a 1 year cancer survivor!". And it hit me. I'm more of a 1 and 1/2+ year survivor. But enough of that! I'm rambling and splitting hairs. Haha

In the moments before my bilateral mastectomy (I was petrified).

What I do know is I am over the moon to be where I am today versus a year ago. I was probably just waking up at this time from my delayed, lengthy surgery. That anesthesia was not kind to me. My recollection of that evening is hazy but I do recall it being one of the worst of my life.

Everything gets better with time, so although I remember that much, I remind myself that it was a small price to pay. My heart will forever be overflowing with gratitude to all the medical staff who made my surgery successful, along with the nurses who took care of me post surgery and everyone who was there to show their support for me that day.

Especially Jason. He was nothing but the epitome of what a loving, gentle, caring husband should and could be at that time. He made sure I had everything and then some the entire time I was recovering. He would timely fetch my meds for me, bathed me, cooked, did all the housework, did everything I couldn't do aside from that (which was a lot), made sure I was as comfortable as could be 24/7, chauffeured me, soothed me, etc. etc. etc...

But my most favorite exemplary moment of his patient/loving caretaking, silly as it may seem, occurred when I was sick to death of wearing the deep vein thrombosis prevention stockings for days on end after my surgery. He was given the okay to take them off for me. My legs were really itchy, so he scratched them for me and then tenderly massaged baby powder on them for me. You gotta reeeeaaally love someone to rub their sweaty, prickly, unwashed-in-a-hospital-bed-for-days' leggies without hesitation. And my fella did! ^_~ haha

In seriousness, he's wonderful and it's frequently overlooked how much the caretaker is effected by the disease. It may not be that they are going through it, but in reality, they are. It's just not physically happening to them. In some ways I feel that may even be harder. For me, I would be excellent at taking care of my hubby if the situation were reversed, but it would be terrible for ME. I would very likely collapse in on myself due to worry over him. 

I'm much braver handling stuff that happens to me because, y'know... it's just me. So whatever. No big deal. Lol! It's like that thing where people say you can hurt them, but don't hurt blankety-blank. I'm totally like that. You can insult me, but if you hurt anyone I love then it's so much worse than it could ever be happening directly to me.

Getting back on track, my husband is a huge blessing in my life. It hasn't been easy, this brush with the terrible C, but God has seen us through everything and shall continue to. And if we can conquer and come out on the other side of this together, we can do just about damn near anything. I lurve you, Beeyah!

Anywaaay, I say it before and I say it again: God is good. A year later and I'm still here. A small yet steep challenge that any cancer patient can appreciate. I take no credit though. It was all by my Lord's mercy that I'm still around to tell my tale. ;)

October 10th also happens to be my Mom's birthday! And she selflessly spent the day in the hospital waiting room last year, so I was happy to be able to celebrate both meanings for this day to be celebrated with her and my Dad!

We dorkily went to a crappy pumpkin patch today and then some "old world" village place in Huntington Beach. Had some amazing German food and beer there to celebrate. It was fun and I always enjoy the weird little adventures my parents and I have. I kind of love them both. A LOT. :)

As for new news, my foobies are continuing to heal nicely. As they settle, I am seeing some rippling in my skin around the implants though. Must be why I'll need that bit of "sculpting" my doc had mentioned before. Of course I have to be patient as that won't happen 'til my next appointment later this month.

I have officially thrown in the towel on being able to participate in the Komen 3-Day. :(  I'm terribly disappointed in myself, but I didn't put enough effort into raising the funds I needed to. Logically, I don't think I'd be physically prepared for it anyway. We'll try another year, I'm sure.

We are, however, doing the Race for the Cure in San Diego again this year! It was a most grand experience last year and I'm thrilled to be doing it once again. I don't expect any of you reading this to donate since I've already hit you up for our 3-day stuff, but if any of you are feeling generous for a good cause: click me for our team page!

I try my best to remain positive. Like. ALWAYS.

Some days I find I have less energy for maintaining the positivity needed to keep me upbeat. Self image, naturally, is on my list of things that I beat myself up over. Ironically, it does come after the annoyance I have with my post-cancer-treatment body; the easy onset fatigue, my inability to sleep through to night, random mini hot flashes, etc. etc.

Oh guys, I know they're really nothing since these little vexations are in trade for being given back my life. I do know this. It's never far from my mind. I know each breath is borrowed... but I do feel it's important that I address the realness of my survival. All aspects of it. That would include the dark moments as well. So please bear with me when I do.

There's a sadness that comes over me if I spend too much time in front of the mirror. My breasts, while they are a vast improvement over the expanders, do not look the way I envisioned. I don't know what miracle I was expecting. They're not real breasts. They're not MY breasts. So that can't look or feel the way they did.

The missing nipple on my right is probably the toughest for me, odd as that may seem. It's not like I need it. Even if Jason and I decide to have a baby down the road, the breastfeeding card is off the table completely, so it's not necessary. I guess it's just further demonstration that I am missing part of what makes me a woman on the outside. Sort of a slap to the ego.

I never thought these would be issues I would have ever needed to worry myself with. Especially not this early in my life, if ever. My self-image issues run deep. They always have. I have never considered myself a pretty girl. Even when I was in shape, it wasn't enough. This is only an extension.

At least I'm plenty confident in the kind of person I am. I know who I am and I'm proud to be who I am. That's my one redeemer when I'm down on how I look.  And I suppose it's a decent redeemer because I am awesome and stuff. Or so I tells myself! 

And that'll do me for now, guys! Thank you for reading to those of you doing so! :) 

May you all have a most blessed and super fantastic weekend.

"So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness" Colossians 2:6-7

Whatever you're facing

Time you fill you in again my dear blog! ...literally! :3

As you may have guessed, my exchange surgery went excellently. It was a total piece of surgical-cake! Yum? Haha Well, I won't say I didn't have any nerves. I had some, but I knew I was in good hands.

All set and ready for my (hopefully) last surgery!

I woke up a couple hours after being put under. I was trembling and unable to control it, so my nice surgery recovery nurse gave me some medication that stopped that. I'll be frank, I don't recall a lot else after waking up from this surgery. I know I was wheeled out in a wheelchair to our car. I also believe I crashed when I got home. Anesthesia is freaky like that. Forget-me-now juice!

The pain wasn't very intense when I was first released from the surgical center, however it started to kick in real good as I was settling in at home.

Thus I thought:

Haha! Due to the aforementioned pain, the routine of 2 Percocet every 4-6 hours for several days began. Oh joy. I shan't sugarcoat this for you all. Painkillers taken that regularly + not eating or moving very much = extremely uncomfortable digestive issues. Gross and not fun.

Weaned myself off the Percocet as soon as the pain was somewhat tolerable because of that fact.

Thanks to my amazing parents, we got hooked up with lots and lots of healthy yummy foods in the house since we were to be stuck at home for a while. Then that Saturday after my surgery, Jason's wonderful sister (Bre) and wonderful mom (Violet) came to visit us and cook food for us.

Had my first post surgery 1-week check up this last Thursday. Since I'm unable to drive for now yet, Violet took me. It was the first time I got to be out for an extended amount of time after surgery. Appointment went well. Everything was healing the right way, with the exception of some redness at the top of my right breast. Looked sort of like a bruise? But that also happens to be my breast that received the most radiation treatment. 

Something else I learned that day...

When I woke up in recovery, I noticed I had some weird pink belt thing at the top of the new girls and above my regular bandages. I knew I was meant to keep all that on, or at least I assumed I was. However, nobody told me what it was for or how to keep it on there.

I walked into my check up wearing it down lower and backwards. Lol! My doc asked where my "breast band" was, and I go, "the pink thingy? I have it on!". Yeah sure I was wearing it. Incorrectly. Oopsie!

So for any of you other women out there who might face breast reconstruction with implants, or even a typical breast augmentation apparently... if you wake up with a velcroed soft belt thingamajig above your boobies, that's called a BREAST BAND. Leave it be! Hahaha

Its function? Ah, kind of an important one at that! It keeps your new foobies from migrating to places you don't want them.

Exhibit A: pink thing A.K.A breast band. Must be kept in place 24 hours a day.

I would love to wash that thing at this point, but I don't even know if I'm allowed to! I guess that's a question for Thursday when I go to my post-op 2 week check up? ;) Why do I get the feeling I gotta keep this thing on for at least the full 4 weeks? Still beats the crap out of having drains in!

So I'm kind of almost feeling like a normal human woman again. Almost. My new foobs are fantastic and fabulous. I'm quite happy with them so far. I hear it takes time for them to "drop and fluff" into place. Whatever that means. In my mind, it means settling into the pocket that's made for them.

Not a lot of pain at this point. Sometimes I have some at the end of the day, but primarily I'm just becoming increasingly itchy as I heal where the incisions were made. Can't complain about being a little scratchy.

Gotta regain my stamina and strength again as well. I get tired and winded more easily. Dumb surgery recovery. :P GEEZ BODY! It's not like you've been under any turmoil recently and trying to reknit my cells and junk!! Get it together already! >:D

I'm planning to return to work next Monday actually. Starting out with princess shifts (4 hours-ish) so I can reacclimate. You always think time from work will be a whole lot of stuff it doesn't turn out to be. I was so tired most of last week that I didn't do much of anything other than sit on my butt catching up on tv shows and resting.

As hot as it's been here in southern California for the past couple of weeks, I'm okay with having to be stuck inside.

Anyway, I'll be happy and feel quite blessed to be able to return to work so soon. Honestly, we really need the money I make. My parents are so kindly and generously helping us once again so we could get by without my income for these couple of weeks.

Lord willing, this will be the last time for all of this. Last surgery. Last needing time off without pay. Last cancer-related chapter in my saga.

As bizarre as it is, the thought that this might all be behind me makes me feel empty. It's been my life. OUR life, for close to two full years. It's almost like another job in a sense. I think I just need to be adamant about filling the void.

My life, as I've said many times before, will never be the same. If I was considered to have an 'old soul' before, then now my soul must be fricken ancient! The worries many of my peers speak of are so troublesome for me to even attempt to relate to. I don't mean to sound as though I'm minimizing anyones' feelings or fears, but you go through something like this and you see that things could be a whole lot worse. For ANYBODY.

Myself included! Aggressive stage 2-3 breast cancer? Say my chemo had failed to work properly. Or my lymph nodes had been cancerous? And there's people who have much much worse they face with far more grace than I could ever muster.

So for the rest of my life here on this earth, I shall try to remain humble, grateful and full of kindness. You never know what other people are going through. One smile could give another person the will carry on for that day. Etc.

And I do believe that's where I will leave you all for now! May you all have a most lovely week and weekend ahead. I look forward to filling you in with more boob related information again real soon.

God bless you all!

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ... I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."  Philippians 4:4, 12

Held me down but I got up

Hi again dear blog!

Sooo, my surgery is TOMORROW! Haha, Obviously, I have had my date for a while, but procrastination, yada yada, etc. ;)

On August 29th, I will get getting my brand new shiny set of foobies! No more mean ol' expanders. Which, I'd like to apologize to everyone who has hugged me in the past 10+ months. Particularly the more recent hugs. It's gotta be painful to hug a person with softballs implanted in their chest.

Soon enough they will be a thing of the past. Graduating to something closer to actual breasts will bring about better closure to this saga. I don't doubt I will never feel the same about my body, it can't be the same... because it's not. But, just as going to radiation treatment daily was a constant reminder of the cancer, so are these tissue expanders.

So they will receive a big, fat GOOD effing RIDDANCE from me upon their leave.

They have been a nuisance the entire time they've been living in my body. I'm not even sure if I have explained how very deeply I despise them. They press heavily on my chest and make me feel very short of breath at times. Although it sounds like some lofty excuse, I accredit my lack of routine exercise this year largely in part to this chest tightness/shortbreathed-ness. It bums me out.

Aside from that, I'm a side sleeper. For the past 10 months I have had to be a forced back sleeper. It's terrible. I keep two pillows on either side of me under my arms so I don't roll over. It still happens from time to time. I'll wake up crazy sore because I accidentally slept on my side or stomach a bit.

Come tomorrow morn, it will soon be a thing of the past. Granted I have to wait until I'm all healed up before I can probably sleep on my side again... but hoping and praying that chest tightness will be long gone.

 Yesterday was my last day working for the next 2-3 weeks. While I know I'll miss all my work buddies, I think this forced staycation is sorely needed. I do everything possible to remind myself not to feel frustrated with my lack of energy, but it's tough. I know before all this cancer treatment I would not tire so easily. I do wonder how long the fatigue will stick around. Ah well, now is not the time to be hard on myself! I gots relaxing and trying to keep my mind busy today so I don't succumb to my pre-surgery nerves.

Subconsciously I've been way ahead of myself. I've had issues staying asleep for the past several days. Even when I've been exhausted.

Thankfully I was prescribed Valium to take for surgery related anxiety. So here's to hoping I'll be well rested come the morning.

You'd think I wouldn't be afraid since this will be my third surgery, but I guess being nervous just comes with the territory. I keep on reminding myself over and over that it's in God's hands. And it is. So why bother worrying? There's nothing I can do about it anyway. :P

So today I'm not allowed to have alcohol or caffeine. The big one for me is the caffeine. Working at Starbucks, you kind of wind up dependent on the stuff. I feel all groggy and sluggish without it.

Harder yet will be abstaining from drinking any water after midnight. That's the worst. The no eating part? I'm not especially hungry prior to going under the knife anyway, but I do get crazy thirsty. That's one thing that can't really be fully described unless you've gone through it. Once they get those IV fluids pumping in ya, it's so sweet. Suddenly you don't feel thirsty. So strange.

Now that I'm thinking of it, they must think I'm a pro by now at this whole business. I got so little verbal instruction aside from a handout that was given to me when I signed necessary paperwork to undergo the procedure. I suppose it is a good thing I know the drill then!

For curious readers, YES I am going bigger than what God had given me naturally. This is the only situation I would have ever personally condoned implants for myself... so why not at least get something I want out of it? I had to go through a crap ton to get my booby upgrade! Haha

The deets are my surgeon is going to be using a "gummy bear" implant. It's made of a cohesive silicone filling and is teardrop shaped. Should look more like real breasts and shall be much less likely to cause rippling to occur.

These are the delicious, REAL inner contents of gummy bear implants... ;) (j/k!)

He also told me the size will be 550cc-700cc. I know that's a big gap but it has a lot to do with what he thinks will work. I'm filled at 500cc in my expanders and they don't seem all that big. We shall see!

After I'm all healed, I'll have some fat grafting around the implants so it'll look more natural. I can't wait! I shy away from low cut stuff these days. It's not very pretty for any of us to have to see, but I'm hoping that will be an option again sooner than later.

This morning I got up early and went to church. I wanted to go mostly so I could say thank you. I do it everyday, but when it's in His house, it feels different. So I did just that. Spent most of my time praising Him for giving me strength to fight. For allowing me to be at this point. I never thought I would have had the mental fortitude alone.

I am so very, very blessed. I pray that His love may shine through me and I can help others so they might see themselves as being blessed as well. No matter how much or how little you have, what you have is a blessing. What you don't have doesn't matter as much.

Speaking of blessings... I had some really amazing times over the past few days. Jason and I got to spend time with my parents on Saturday. Had some lunch and enjoyed one anothers' company. :) Then Sunday we got to see Violet (Jason's Mom), both his sisters and their families! We all had a nice linner together. Loved sharing time with family all weekend. It's such a gift!!

My Dad took this pic of us while we were out at lunch.

One of Jason's co-worker buddies, Jack, had been inviting us to come out for a cruise on his sailboat some time. We took him up on it on Monday! Had wonderful company and got to meet the amazing people he's currently working with. It was exceptionally peaceful and relaxing.

Our beautiful view from the sailboat.

And I think that's about all I've got for now everybody! Blessings and happiness and love to you all as always. Now go out and be the best you. Never less. ^_^ 

"Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation"  Isaiah 12:2

And she walks

Dear blog,

I am feeling deeply contrite for neglecting you. As is sadly common, in living normal life you take for granted the things which are normal. What I mean is that I've not posted because things have been going well! 

Not the worst of all excuses for my lack of posts, but still an excuse all the same. 

So with my apologies out of the way, I'd now like to update you on the newest!

Last I left you all, I was preparing to finish my radiation therapy. I did very happily complete it all back in May with no further hiccups.  To cross that final treatment finish line was beyond sweet. The commitment to go Monday through Friday was so mentally taxing. I almost didn't know how to react when I no longer had that obligation each day! 

I still tire very easily in comparison to my pre-diagnosis/treatment days. However, it's a vast improvement where I am energy wise versus my stamina level during radiation. 

Could I tell you that I'm running marathons and able to work 12-hour days and still go out afterwards? Oh hell naw! Haha. But I do feel a gradual return of energy. VERY gradual. Like, snail paced actually... but an improvement is still an improvement, right?!

After closing the radiotherapy chapter of my cancer saga, I had to wait for a couple of places on my right breast to fully heal up before seeing my cosmetic surgeon. One spot was particularly stubborn as it would JUST. NOT. HEAL. 

It was teeny-tiny too. One day there was a small thing poking from it that turned out to be another stitch my body decided it wasn't going to absorb. Once that sucker came out, it healed up in no time. I called and scheduled my first post rads saline expansion. 

Doc decided to fill only my left side as it was in need of it because it was deflated so much for better access during radiation. This last Thursday was to be my next fill. Went in with only the intention of getting closer to the size I want to be at. 

We went in not expecting much because at my last appointment, Dr. Mowlavi told me he'd like for me to wait 3 months more until we did my exchange swap surgery. 

Boy were WE surprised!

I did get a fill on my right finally, and quite well more to the size I will be, but it seems there may be a very slow leak in my left expander. I guess normally if there happens to be a leak, there would be a surgery to swap out that tissue expander. Seeing as I'm so close to being done, he favored moving up my swap surgery instead.

I bet you can guess who's going under the knife again in the next few weeks?! This Anj! 

Exceedingly unexpected but it is what it is and I trust God. I trust His goodness, His timing and His will. This is when it's supposed to occur, so it will. ^_^

I don't have my official date, but I will after tomorrow. I've had a follow up appointment scheduled to see Dr. Wagner for months so I'm seeing him after I get off work. Then I'm shooting straight over to pick up and sign papers for my forthcoming surgery from Dr. Mowlavi's office.

Haha, oh! And I'm seeing Dr. Wagner to report on how I'm doing being on Tamoxifen and finally the order for my CT scan. I'd been anxiously awaiting that. No matter how official papers are claiming there is no more cancer in you, my mind tells me I've been done with treatment for 3 months now. I finished chemotherapy nearly a year ago! In the back of each survivor's mind is that darkest of fears, "what if it came back?". 

Until I have more finalization that those terrible self sabotaging cells of mine are still 100% bye bye, I won't have complete peace of mind. The trouble is, I don't know if I'll be able to swing all these doctor appointments between everything depending on how quickly my surgery date shall arrive. 

Gotta jump through those hoops again. Clearance from the primary care physician who then asks you to have x, y and z exams done elsewhere. If I throw in a scan, finishing up possible dental work I've been procrastinating about, and fitting that all in between my work schedule... you might say I'm a little frazzled inside.

Here we go again, Lord! ;)

So what, pray tell, have I been doing in my blogging absence you ask? Well, working. And then working. And then recovering and napping and gaming and reading. And then working some more. :) Pretty standard, normal life living type of stuffs. Soaking up the pleasant little things and griping over insignificant ones like some sort of average joe. Essentially, relishing the normalcy I was robbed of by cancer for 15+ months. :P

My hair has grown. I had to get a trim a couple weeks ago. I don't know why hair inherently becomes a mullet as it grows out from nothingness, but it does. I had the hair stylist trim that party in the back to match the business in the front STAT. I hated my curls with a fearsome loathing at first, but I've grown fond of them with time. It makes me feel a little old timey. Like some sort of dame with lazy finger waves!

I have never received so many compliments on my hair as I have in the past 6 months or so. It might be slightly atrocious of me but I take great delight in people's responses when I explain why curls have not been the primary texture of my hair all my life. Some people handle it very gracefully. Others are speechless. Some are apathetic. It's intriguing to see which I get. 

Could I hold the truth from a stranger? Easily, but I feel like more people should be exposed to the reality of how commonplace cancer is. Almost everyone you know has had someone close to them touched by the disease in one way or another. Yet we still shy away from it as though it's something contagious. Like you could will it upon yourself or your loved one by saying its name three times simultaneously. Lol 

I was guilty of this thinking at one point too. I thought of the C as a disease that ends only in death. It could happen to the "other guy" and maybe even his family or friends, but it couldn't happen to MY family. Nope. Or MY friends. And least of all, to ME.

You would think that as a society, we would have grown to see that isn't true in the slightest. If this disease can happen to sweet babies and children, it can happen to anybody at any time for no tangible reason. Allow me to emphasize tangible. Surely there is plenty of reason for it, yet we may find none for it here.

Anyhow, my Susan G. Komen 3 Day fundraising is not going all that well. I suppose that I've not put enough into it either. I'm still going to give it my best to reach my minimum, but if either Jason or I can't reach that $2300, we can't walk. :( Simple as that. I'm so grateful to the few who have donated in our names. So to the few of you who have, your kindness and help is a blessing! Thank you!

And if any of you kind souls do happen to be interested in donating: CLICK MEEEEE! :D 

With that, I think I've reached that point of I've said all I'd like to say for now! Thanks for reading and following along. I will do a smallish update once I have my implant surgery date in sight.

Until then, I'm wishing you all the very best always. Lots of love and happiness and good things! God bless and take care.

"Now may the Lord of peace Himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you."  2 Thessalonians 3:16